Beautiful Boy

by Leddy Harper

  He leaned back in his office chair and stretched his legs out beneath the large desk. A smug smile grew on his pouty lips. “I’ll be honest with you. If I appreciate the photos you take, I’ll tell you. I really am interested to see if you can show me beauty, Novah.”

  When I didn’t respond, his smile vanished. His eyes darted behind me, growing unfocused.

  “Maybe this is as much for me as it is for you. And because of that, I’ll give you anything you want. An apology, a check, anything…you name it.”

  I grew uncomfortable with his sudden shift in mood. As soon as I believed I had grasped one temperament, he switched to another. First angry, then sad, then cold, smug, and now…lost. Getting the hell out of there and away from him became my main priority. “Fine. We have a deal.”

  His greenish-brown eyes flashed back at me and then narrowed. Maybe he didn’t appreciate the tone I used, but I didn’t care. He had used so many with me and I was over it. I would speak to him any way I wanted to.

  “I’ll check my schedule and set up a time.”

  “Tomorrow morning at nine. My office,” he said dismissively and then moved his attention back to his computer screen.

  “No,” I argued. “I don’t even know what my schedule looks like to even agree with you. Not to mention, if I’m going to take these pictures, I choose the location and setting.”

  Nolan slowly shifted his gaze back to me again, and his eyes heated with ire as he took me in. “You don’t have an appointment until eleven tomorrow morning. You’re free to take my photos. And it will be here. I need some for business, and the rest of the time, you can take whatever kind of pictures you want.” His words were so cold they covered my skin in gooseflesh, sending chills racing down my spine.

  “And what if I don’t agree?”

  He didn’t speak, didn’t move, only stared at me as if I’d asked the dumbest question in the world.

  “So this is how it’s going to be? You bark out orders and I follow along like an obedient dog?”

  Nolan ran his tongue over his bottom lip, catching my attention. “It’s only a few pictures. One morning. An hour tops. Don’t act like I’m asking you to be at my beck and call.”

  “Fine. Nine o’clock tomorrow morning.” I shouldn’t have given in so easily. I should’ve fought more, not been so quick to let him have his way, but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t have the strength to argue with him once I looked into his eyes—the way he regarded me cultivated an ache inside for some unknown reason.

  He showed no gratitude, not even a shadow of a smile. Then he turned his attention back to his computer once more, silently dismissing me. With slow-burning anger, I turned on my heel and left his office. Part of me wanted to glance back, see if he watched me, but the other part didn’t care. Either that or I didn’t want to be stung with rejection if he kept his eyes on the screen in front of him.

  My thoughts and emotions were all over the place. I stepped onto the elevator to leave, no different than it was when I’d arrived. Except this time, I didn’t have the fear of the unknown…I had the apprehension of the truth. Everything I thought I knew, had been a…what, a lie? A half-truth?

  I had no way of knowing what was true and what wasn’t. I couldn’t decipher why, if he was innocent, he hadn’t stuck around to tell me when it mattered. Waiting fifteen years made no sense. There’s no reason his friends should have let him take the fall and not spoken up.

  Nothing made sense.

  And trying to figure it out only confused me more.

  On one hand, he had seemed so sincere when admitting he’d paid attention to me back then—he’d noticed specific things, and still remembered them. Yet on the other hand, he acted so aloof. Like this was nothing more than a game. I didn’t have time for games. And I didn’t have time to rehash the last half of my life.

  I got in my car and tried to focus on the here and now. On my career, my family, my friends. I tried so hard to stay in the present and not allow my mind to wander. But regardless of what I wanted…it happened anyway.

  In an instant, I was right back there.

  The guidance counselor’s room was cold. The air must’ve been set to sixty, yet my entire body grew flushed, warm, overheated. My face burned with embarrassment, and I had no way of stopping it. In the room with me sat my parents, the principal, the counselor, as well as Nolan and his father…the fucking senator.

  My fingers twisted together in my lap with the unease of what was to come. I knew the photos were in a folder on the desk only a few feet away from me, and my stomach knotted into a pretzel knowing there was a chance my parents would see them. The entire school had already seen them, but I couldn’t stomach the thought of my parents looking at the evidence of what I had allowed Nolan to do to me on his kitchen table.

  “This isn’t the kind of meeting I look forward to calling, but unfortunately, I have no other choice. I’m sure everyone here is aware of the severity of this incident. My reason for having everyone here at the same time to discuss this, is so we’re all on the same page. I don’t like the back and forth, and prefer to have everyone knowing exactly what is said. This meeting is to determine how we will proceed, since it does involve a minor. With Mr. Richards being eighteen and Miss Johnson—”

  “I don’t think we need to make an issue of their ages. He’s still in high school.” The senator interrupted, using his harsh, authoritative tone.

  “Still in high school or not, it doesn’t change the fact he is eighteen—an adult—and this is a very serious matter.” For the first time since sitting down, we finally heard the principal sound angry.

  Before then, I was under the impression he didn’t care. But after what he said, I finally allowed myself to believe he was on my side. I had expected everyone to bow down to Nolan’s dad—his power seemed to follow him everywhere.

  “So are you planning to press charges?” Senator Richards asked with distain, making everyone in the room shift uncomfortably in their seats to a certain degree.

  I watched my father puff his chest out with my mother sinking further into her chair, and in the one glance I stole of Nolan, he seemed more withdrawn than I had ever seen him before. His strong presence had dissipated, leaving behind a weak version of himself, staring at his hands in his lap with his head down. I had never seen him act so reserved before. I guess the idea of having charges pressed against him proved too much for him to handle. Why couldn’t he worry about the repercussions I had to face as much as he seemed to worry about his own?

  “Well, as you know, Senator, we’ve discussed this already. And as of right now, it’s up to Miss Johnson and her parents whether or not charges will be pressed. And this is why I have called this meeting, so everyone knows exactly what occurred.” Principal Cline paused to look each person in the eye, finally stopping on my father. When he grabbed the folder from the top of his desk, my heart stopped beating. I knew what would come next. “It’s up to you, sir, but if you’d like to see them, these are the photos of your daughter. The ones Mr. Richards admitted to taking with his camera and developing himself.”

  I fought the urge to snatch it away from the principal before my dad could see them. My life would forever change in this moment. My parents would never look at me the same way. I became lightheaded and had a metallic taste on my tongue.

  Maybe my breathing was too fast, or too slow…maybe I wasn’t breathing at all.

  I couldn’t tell.

  My dad reached across the desk. His hand shook as he took the file.

  Everything happened around me, as if I wasn’t there, as if I were nothing but a silent spectator. And then my father had the folder open in front of him.

  His knuckles turned white around the edges of the photos and all I could hear was my own heart pounding in my ears. A gasp from the other side of my dad grabbed my attention, and I finally looked at my mom for the first time since sitting down. She seemed so broken as her body shook. I watched as she took her finger and wiped away a fa
lling tear. I hated myself, because I had caused this. My dad’s anger, my mom’s sadness…it may not have all been my fault, but I did have a hand in it.

  And my guilt gutted me.

  I glanced across the room to see Nolan’s reaction to my parents. He sat slumped in his chair, hands clasped in his lap, his head subtly shaking back and forth. I hated his indifferent attitude, his complete lack of remorse. At that moment, I hated him. He seemed bored. He acted as if my father was looking at my report card, not half-naked pictures of his only child.

  My parents already knew my thoughts on this. We had discussed it in great lengths. I didn’t want to drag this through the court system. I didn’t want to have to rehash it over and over to other people. I only wanted it to go away. To move on and put this behind me. It took a lot of arguing on my part, a lot of begging, but my father finally relented. At the end of the day, my parents respected me and my decision, even if I had lost some of their trust through it all.

  “We have talked to Novah, and we know what her wishes are, but her mother and I would like to have a conversation with the senator alone. If it’s possible, we’d like for our daughter to step out of the room.” My dad’s voice sounded so hard, so cold, it didn’t even sound like him.

  “I think it’s probably a good idea. Maybe Nolan should step out as well. My secretary is at her desk. They can sit in the hallway with her.”

  I’m not sure if we were escorted out, or if we both simply got up from our seats and left, but the next thing I knew, I sat in a chair across from Nolan in the hallway outside the principal’s office.

  I waited and waited for something from him. For an apology…anything to show an ounce of remorse. Yet I got nothing. Not once did he look at me, or make any noise whatsoever. Even when Logan, his fellow football player, snickered from a seat near the secretary’s desk, he didn’t react.

  He was stone-faced.

  As if none of this meant anything to him. His father would get him out of trouble. I’d overheard a rumor about Nolan withdrawing from school to finish out his senior year at home. I’d hate him if he did, mostly because I was envious. I wanted to leave. I didn’t want to stay in this building with the people who’d seen me, but I couldn’t leave. The only way I could’ve transferred schools was if we moved, which wasn’t an option because we couldn’t afford it. So I was stuck, while Nolan Richards got everything he wanted.

  Yes, I hated him.

  And sitting across from him, watching him act so uninterested, only intensified my hatred. I knew I’d never be the same again, so I made a vow to myself.

  I would be as cold as Nolan Richards.

  I would not let this happen to me again.

  Five

  I had shown up at exactly nine o’clock as we’d agreed, yet when I got to his office, his secretary asked me to take a seat and wait. I thought it would only be for a moment; however, I’d been waiting for almost ten minutes.

  The secretary, whose name I couldn’t remember, glanced at me every few seconds. Her smile grew smugger with every peek over the desk. I’m sure she saw this as vindication after the stunt I’d pulled yesterday. But I wouldn’t let her, or her attitude, get to me. To pass the time, I studied her appearance.

  Her thick brown hair curled around her face and fell over her bare shoulders. She wore small, plastic-framed glasses, and lined her bright eyes with heavy liner, bringing attention to her face. And she was young…like really young. Maybe straight out of high school. Observing the self-righteous look on her face, I began to contemplate the probability of her blowing Nolan in his office.

  I can’t compete with her…

  Before I could question my ridiculous thought, movement down the hall caught my attention. My gaze shifted to the person walking toward me, starting with his black, polished shoes, and working my way up the pant legs of his pressed, black slacks. My perusal rose to his face and my breathing slowed. What a handsome man. If only he didn’t have such ugliness beneath the surface.

  Nolan held his hand out, motioning down the hall he was ready for me, and I silently got up and followed.

  I couldn’t turn around to face him until the door was closed behind us, and even then, I found it difficult to meet his gaze. Unease once again set in, much like it had always seemed to do in his presence.

  Nolan strolled around me to his desk, not once greeting me, or even acting as if I were in the room with him. I didn’t know how to take his coldness, nor did I want to spend too much time thinking about it. Instead of giving it any more thought, I put my bag on a chair and pulled out my camera. I adjusted the settings and peered through the viewfinder, looking at anything but him.

  “I thought we could start with a few headshots of me at my desk. I need some for work since I don’t really have anything, and then we can move on to whatever you want to do.”

  I longed to comment on something about his controlling attitude, but I didn’t. I didn’t have the desire to argue with him. He needed to run the show, fine. I would take his pictures and then be done with it. Be done with him. Forever. I had no intention of seeing him again after this.

  So I started shooting, just clicking away, not even bothering with what it looked like. I could always edit it later. The faster I was out of here the better.

  “I’m surprised…” His voice interrupted the silence in the room.

  I examined him over my camera and raised my eyebrow, offering my silent question. I had no desire to speak.

  He must’ve been waiting for me to say something, but when I didn’t, he took it upon himself to proceed. “I’m surprised you still take pictures.”

  “Why wouldn’t I?” My anger overrode my desire to stay quiet. I was no longer able to keep my thoughts to myself.

  I hated how he acted as if he knew me.

  Because he never did, even before.

  “After everything… I don’t know, I guess I assumed you would have stopped.”

  “You seriously think you have that much influence over me and my decisions? You think you hold enough power over me to make me stop doing something I love?”

  “That’s not what I meant,” he said defensively with his hands out, palms up as if to hold me off. “You’ve talked nonstop about how much I’ve ruined your life. How I made your life horrible. So I’m only saying I’m surprised.”

  I shook my head, trying to control my hostility toward him. “You know nothing, Nolan. Let me just take the pictures so we can be done. Do you think you can do that?”

  A shadow of something passed through his eyes. He looked down, ripped his jacket off, then threw it over the armrest of his chair. I didn’t understand his attitude…if anyone should be pissed, it should been me. Yet he was the one throwing around his arms, acting like the victim.

  I snapped two more shots before he stood abruptly and shoved the chair back. My finger halted on the shutter release. I waited to see what he would do next.

  I don’t know why, but I almost expected him to charge at me. He seemed angry enough to rush toward me like a bull charging a red cape. But he didn’t. He turned around, faced the window behind his desk, and rested his forehead against the glass.

  I pulled the camera back to my eye in time to watch him take in a heavy breath through the zoomed lens. My finger instantly hit the shutter release. I held down the button, hoping to catch this emotion in an image, while the camera shot images in rapid succession. The glass fogged in front of his mouth as he exhaled, and it’s the only thing my mind could focus on.

  Once my thumb found the aperture dial, he turned to the side, eyes on me, and my breath stopped in my chest. The expression on his face was something I couldn’t process, but I snapped one more photo anyway, unable to keep myself from pressing the shutter release.

  “I think I have enough,” I whispered as I looked down at my camera to turn it off. I needed to put it away, get my things, and get out of here.

  Walk away.

  I couldn’t seem to comprehend the expression in his e
yes. Nor did I want to. I didn’t think I could handle the emotions it would stir within me. Emotions I’d tried desperately to ignore.

  “But we’re not done. I’m still dressed.” His tone came across as teasing, but I knew better. His eyes told me so as they bore into mine.

  This was no different than high school.

  He hadn’t changed.

  A wolf in sheep’s clothing.

  “This isn’t the place, Nolan.”

  “It’s my office. I can do as I please in here. And the door is locked…no one will come in.” He rounded his desk and stepped forward, his fingers working the top few buttons on his shirt until they were undone. “I thought you were going to show me sexy. Isn’t that what you do? Wasn’t it the deal?” He continued to walk my way as I stepped back with my camera and bag in my hands.

  “I don’t care anymore. I don’t need your apology. It’d be a lie anyway. It won’t mean anything…to you or to me. So, I’m done. I’ll have your pictures ready by the end of the week and send them over to you through a messenger.” My voice shook with every word, giving away how anxious I was on the inside. How he made me feel on the inside. Shaky and weak.

  And I hated it. Because I wasn’t weak.

  Fifteen years ago, Nolan had turned me cold.

  Now, he made me hot. Hot with emotion I wasn’t ready to handle. Emotion I couldn’t sort through.

  Anger. Confusion. Lust. Empathy.

  I needed to get out of here. In lightning speed. I couldn’t handle being so close to him any longer. “I have to go. I’ll develop the prints for you, and we’ll call it even.”

  “Even? How are we even? What did you get out of this?”

  “Answers. To questions I didn’t even know I had.”

  He froze several feet away from me. I watched his greenish-hued eyes narrow until they were dark slits. I couldn’t discern the color of them anymore. “What answers? What questions?”