Picturing Perfect

by Brown, Melissa

  "I would love a medium chai tea, please," I said to the redheaded barista with tiny freckles on her cheeks. She smiled and entered my order into the computer. When I handed her my money, though, she just shook her head.

  "I don't understand," I said, puzzled.

  "It's on us," she said with warm eyes.

  "Um, thank you," I replied.

  "You're doing important work. And you're so patient. It's my pleasure." My heart swelled as she said those words. I'd never thought of my work as important. I'd only thought of how happy it made me.

  I joined the others at a large table in the corner. Just as I was pulling my chair out, I heard a familiar voice say a name I hadn't heard in years.

  "Haddie?" He called me Haddie. He was the only person I'd ever allowed to call me by that nickname. And there was a very special reason for that. He was my world, my obsession, my everything. The boy who captured my heart when I was only eight years old.

  Jason Kelly. My very first crush and my best friend's older brother. The boy who made my pulse race so incredibly fast, it was sometimes hard to breathe around him. I felt my palms sweating as I turned to him.

  He looked just as I remembered. Sandy brown hair, a little spiky in the front. Hipster glasses sat on the bridge of his nose and tiny dimples indented his pale cheeks. His eyes were wide as he approached.

  "I thought that was you," he said.

  "Jason…wow, hi." I replied, clearing my throat to help the words along. He wrapped me into a tight hug and I smelled the familiar scent of Jason.

  "How are you feeling?" he asked, looking concerned as his fingers grazed my arm. My skin tingled with that simple touch.

  "Much better now." I smiled, softly gesturing towards the group, "You guys, this is an old friend of mine. His name is Jason."

  "Hi Jason," Violet said with a chocolate mustache above her lip. "You're handsome."

  "Well, thanks," Jason said with ease.

  He was always good at taking compliments. Humble and friendly, smart and witty. The list went on and on—with so many positive qualities it was impossible to name them all. I took in the sight of him. I had to chuckle when my eyes were greeted by the gray t-shirt underneath his plaid flannel button-down.

  "867-5309?" I asked with a laugh. Jason had been wearing crazy t-shirts for years. And he was just about as obsessed with the 80s as me. I wondered if he knew that we still shared an affinity for that decade. I wondered if he remembered much about me at all.

  "Jenny, Jenny." He nodded. "It's a classic. Unfortunately, sometimes girls think I'm trying to pick them up with it."

  "Those girls need to listen to better music."

  Jason threw his head back with a hearty laugh.

  "I agree," he said.

  "Would you like to join us? We can pull up a chair."

  "Sure, I can do that for a few minutes. I'm writing, but I could use a break."

  He quickly grabbed a wooden chair from a neighboring table, flipping it around effortlessly so that he faced the back of his chair as he straddled it. His knee bumped my thigh and goose bumps ran down my arms. I was desperately trying to get my heart rate under control, but I felt like I was on autopilot. Tucker. Tucker. Tucker. I said to myself. Nope, didn't help. Even Tucker couldn't push the redness from my cheeks. Even Tucker couldn't stop the adrenaline pulsing through my veins. Tucker? Tucker who?

  "So, how's everyone doing this morning?" Jason asked. His knee brushed mine again. This time it was a slower movement, more deliberate. I felt a chill run down my spine. The most delicious chill I'd ever felt. What is happening to me?

  Riley wrapped one of her silky curls around her fingers as she stared at our new companion. Riley was boy-crazy and not afraid to show it. She took a sip of her drink, never breaking eye contact. I glanced at Jason, wondering if her forward behavior was making him uncomfortable. But, if it was, you'd never know it. He was calm and collected, flashing a grin at her pale face.

  "Congrats on the new job," he said to me before glancing around the table. "Do you all work together?"

  "No, silly," Riley said in her high-pitched voice, "Hadley works for us."

  Brian cackled, slapping his knee as he threw his head back in laughter. Riley loved making others laugh, so she began to chuckle loudly to spur Brian on further. It worked. The table was in hysterics.

  "Not exactly," I said, smirking. "But, she's kind of right. These are my clients. This is Riley, Brian, Violet, Tina and Sam."

  "Well, it's great to meet Hadley's bosses," Jason said with a grin. Riley chuckled again.

  "I like you," she said, her smile wide.

  "Well, thank you. I like all of you, too."

  Jason turned his attention back to me. I could feel his gaze burning my cheeks. I attempted to keep my breath steady as I turned my attention his way.

  "How's the writing?" I asked, scratching the back of my neck.

  Jason cracked his knuckles before he spoke. He always did that when he was uncomfortable. I was surprised to see he was still doing it. I guess some things never change.

  "I'm in kind of a slump," he said, shrugging.

  "Writer's block?" I asked, taking a sip of my tea. Jason nodded as he ran his fingers through his hair.

  "Auden said your books have really taken off. You even made it to the top 100 on Amazon?" I asked, trying to sound casual. What Jason didn't know was that all three of his books were on my Kindle. I'd read them all and loved them. Usually I was a contemporary romance reader, but his words sucked me in and I got all wrapped up in the suspense of his stories. He was so talented.

  "Yeah. I got lucky, I guess."

  "I'm sure it's not luck. You're just being modest."

  "Maybe, yeah." He tilted his head to the side and grinned. His dimples reappeared and I practically choked on my tea. Get ahold of yourself, Hadley.

  "So, how's Tucker?" he asked, hesitating at his name. That simple question jerked me back to reality and the fact that I'd had the same boyfriend for six years. The boyfriend I assumed I would marry. The boyfriend who had been my world for so long.

  "Oh, he…he's fine." I smiled politely, not offering any other information. The table was quiet as we sipped our drinks.

  "Well, I should get back to my writing," Jason said, standing.

  "Of course." I smile.

  "It was wonderful to meet all of you," he said as he shook each of my clients' hands one by one. He was always so friendly and warm. It killed me in the best possible way.

  "Hope to see you around, Haddie." He smiled, patting me lightly on my shoulder before placing his chair back where it came from and walking back to his waiting table.

  Glancing at my watch, I saw it was time to meet Nick and the other clients. Thank God. I needed to get my head on straight, and there was no way that would happen with Jason Kelly sitting just five feet away from me. I gave him a quick wave as we walked out of Beans. Back to Sunnyside. Back to a place where I could think, where I could focus, where I could remember what it was like before Jason Kelly walked back into my world.

  Madeline Kramer was a royal pain in my ass. No one else's. Just mine.

  She wouldn't cooperate. She wouldn't do the things I wanted her to do or say the things I wanted her to say. And she was driving me insane. She was a product of my imagination, and yet, I couldn't control her.

  I'd been stuck on Chapter 18 of this book for two weeks and it was driving me nuts. Madeline had been the one character I could count on with my writing. The one character who led the way and spoke to me, the one who guided my books towards a suspenseful plot and a satisfying ending. She was the one who made people want to read my work. In the three books I'd written, she'd never let me down.

  Until now.

  It was the "Book Four Curse" my buddy and fellow writer, Cameron warned me about. I allowed him to psych me out. That little shit.

  I'd been staring at my Mac screen for what felt like an hour, ever since saying goodbye to Hadley and her Sunnyside clients. The blinking cu
rsor taunted me from the empty page. Glancing at my watch, I was shocked to see that only a few minutes had passed. Damn.

  Maybe I needed to stretch my legs. Just as I was standing up, my cell rang. Usually I put it on vibrate when I work. Must have forgotten this morning.

  It was my sister, Auden. Expert timing, as usual.

  "Hey, sis," I answered.

  "Afternoon, how are ya?" I could tell she was smiling through the phone. The ever-so-chipper Auden. She could be a tour guide with her constant sunny, yet difficult, personality. Although sometimes, I had to admit, we were actually a lot alike.

  Stretching my neck, I replied, "You know…better than some, not as good as others."

  "You always say that. How's the writing?"

  "Madeline won't cooperate," I huffed.

  "She's such a pain in the ass." She laughed.

  "Tell me about it. How are you today?"

  I had to wonder if she'd spoken to Haddie. I couldn't imagine Haddie called her after our chance meeting, but you never know.

  "It's a slow day. I met with a few doctors this morning, but none of them were really biting."

  Auden had just started her job in pharmaceutical sales and it was pretty cutthroat. With her personality, I knew she could pull it off. But, she didn't seem that into it.

  "That sucks."

  "Oh well, that's life. And you? Just writing all day?"

  "Actually, I just saw Hadley. She was here with some of her clients."

  "Seriously? Oh, yeah, it's field trip day. Cool."

  "Yeah, it was good to see her." I replied, trying to brush off my lingering thoughts of the gorgeous blond who still smelled like strawberries.

  "I know you've always had a soft spot for Haddie," she said. I could hear her smirking through the phone as she enunciated the nickname. Brat.

  "She's a nice girl," I said, a little too defensively.

  "Woman," my sister corrected me. My brain knew that Hadley was grown up. But, to me she would always be my little sister's best friend who had a pretty obvious crush on me.

  She was the eight-year-old who used to blush when I entered the room. I didn't notice, being only eleven myself, but my older sister, Maya always did. Hadley was the thirteen-year-old who made me mix tapes with her parents' old stereo unit when I bought my first car. At first, I was bummed that I couldn't afford to replace the old cassette unit with a CD player, but I listened to those tapes every single day. When my dad offered to install a CD player for my birthday that year, I turned him down. That was my only tape player and I couldn't stop listening to her tapes. "Soft spot" didn't even begin to tell the story of my feelings for Hadley. She always got under my skin in a way that I never really understood as a teenager. Now, I got it. But, I still had no idea what to do about it. She had a boyfriend, and from what Auden told me, they were pretty serious.

  In many ways, I'd been waiting six years for that relationship to end. But, it still hadn't. I wasn't really waiting around for Hadley. I dated. I dated a lot, actually. And I'd had a few serious girlfriends. But, for some reason, things always came back to Hadley…my Haddie.

  "Yes, woman," I said, rolling my eyes and shaking my head at my sister as if she could actually see me through my cell.

  "Whatever, Jase. Listen, I'll let you get back to Madeline. Will I see you this weekend at Mom and Dad's?"

  "Yep, Sunday dinner. Wouldn't miss it."

  "See you then," she said before hanging up her phone. I pressed End on my phone and opened my awaiting laptop.

  Damn you, Auden. For making me ponder things that I really didn't want to think about. Things I've been happy to keep tucked away in my brain.

  Somehow, two cappuccinos later, I was able to finish chapter 18. Glancing at my watch, I realized I needed to head into the city for dinner with my friends. I'd have to continue writing later.

  I was kind of pissed at myself, though. I had to retype the name Madeline several times as my brain replaced it with Haddie. Why did I torture myself like that? She'd been with Tucker for six years and a chance encounter in a coffee shop wasn't going to change that. I needed to get a grip.

  "What's up with you?" my friend Evan asked as he poured me a beer. I ran my fingers through my hair, placing my glasses on his counter and pinching the bridge of my nose. Hoping for clarity, hoping to make sense of my afternoon.

  "Have you ever run into someone from your past? Someone you couldn't get out of your head?"

  Evan chuckled and cocked an eyebrow, "You're kidding, right? Have you met my wife?"

  "Oh damn."

  Stupid question. Of course Evan understood. He and his wife Kate were two of my closest friends. I met Kate during their breakup. Trust issues and misunderstandings tore them apart, but they realized they couldn't be without one another. They've been back together for about two years now. They're married, they're happy, they're settled. They're everything that I wanted to be. But, all of a sudden, my vision of settled and happy was including someone who wasn't mine, who couldn't be mine.

  "I ran into someone from a long time ago. Someone who used to mean a lot to me. Seeing her again, it's messing with my head. I can't stop thinking about her."

  "Ex-girlfriend?"

  I shook my head. "Nope. My little sister's best friend."

  "Ahhh. She grew up nicely, eh?" he teased.

  "She's always been beautiful," I said, "but, when we were kids it was just…I don't know, it never made sense to date her. She was off-limits because of Auden."

  "I see. Well, is she still off-limits?"

  "Yeah, but for a different reason. She's been dating this guy since high school. They've been together for years. And Auden thinks they're on their way to being engaged."

  "Shit, that sucks."

  "I know," I said, cracking my knuckles before leaning my head in my hands.

  "When will you see her again?"

  "My parents are planning a birthday dinner for Auden in January. I'm sure she'll be invited."

  "And her boyfriend?"

  "Yeah, he might be invited, too. This is messed up, isn't it?"

  Evan put his hands up in mock surrender and took a step back. "I'm not gonna judge, man. All I know is that I couldn't get Kate out of my head and eventually everything worked out."

  "But, she felt the same about you," I said, tilting my head and glaring at him from above the rim of my glasses.

  "I'm guessing this Hadley feels it, too. Just give it time."

  Just then, Kate entered the kitchen, tying her hair up in a bun. She rested her hand on my shoulder and leaned in to give me a welcoming hug. I knew by her hug that she'd heard most, if not all, of the conversation.

  "Jase, we've talked about this," she said.

  "What's that?" I played dumb.

  "You're very good at reading people. You read me right away when we first met. You sensed how conflicted and unhappy I was."

  "That was different," I said, taking a swig of my beer.

  "Nope, it's the same. What does your gut say about her? How does she feel about you?"

  "My gut tells me she's into me. But, she was always into me when we were kids. So, that could be all it is. Memories. And, it seems pretty arrogant of me to assume those feelings are still there."

  "I disagree. Some feelings get stronger over time," she said, her eyes softening as she looked at Evan.

  He grabbed her hand and pulled her in for a peck on the lips. Her fingers brushed the lip gloss off of his bottom lip before turning her attention back to me.

  "So, what do you think I should do?" I asked.

  "Spend time with her. Make up a reason to see her," Kate said.

  "Sounds kinda stalkerish," I said, waiting for Kate to smack me in the arm. Which she did.

  "It's not stalkerish if she likes you. It's romantic. It's sweet."

  "And if she's not into me?"

  "Then, you'll be able to tell and you can walk away," Kate said.

  "And then you'll know, dude," Evan adds.

  "
Okay." I drained the rest of my beer and gave them both a relaxed smile. "Let's talk about something else."

  "Like what?"

  "How are book sales?" Kate asked.

  "Decent. They've actually picked up a lot."

  "That's awesome," Evan said.

  "So, what's on the horizon for Whitman Kelly?" Kate asked with a wink.

  She knew I hated when she referred to me by my real first name. I'd adopted it as a pen name, but it still felt foreign to me when my friends used it.

  "Book four has been rough. It's just not flowing out of me like it usually does."

  "You're distracted," Kate said as she narrowed her eyes. She's always seen through me. Part of the reason we became friends so easily after we attempted to date.

  Kate squeezed my hand before pulling a frying pan from the cabinet. Without a word, Evan followed her lead and gathered onions and peppers from their refrigerator.

  "Can I help with that?" I asked.

  "Nope," Kate said, pouring olive oil into the pan.

  "Okay…well, my agent's pissed. She's trying to get a publishing deal for the Kramer series, but none of the publishers will bite until the series is finished."

  "Better finish it then," Evan teased as he chopped the onion.

  "Shit, I know," I nodded, "only forty thousand words to go."

  "No problem," Kate said, waving her hand in front of her face as she stirred the sizzling vegetables.

  "Riiiiight," I replied, shaking my head. 40k was no picnic. It would take time. Weeks, if not months. And with thoughts of Haddie filling my brain, I worried it could take an entire year to get the right amount of focus necessary to write the rest of the book.

  "You'll figure it out, man." Evan patted me on the back. He drained his beer and leaned against the kitchen counter. I hoped he was right. If not, it was going to be a long year.

  When I returned home from work on a bitterly cold December afternoon, the lights inside the condo warned me that my mom was home from work. Usually I arrived before her and was able to relax by myself for a while before putting on a brave face and making supper. A ripple of unease drifted through my limbs as I parked my car. Deep breaths, Hadley. She's still the same woman she's always been. Only she wasn't and I knew it.