Picturing Perfect

by Brown, Melissa

  "It's not as much as it seems. Can you make a fist for me?"

  The nurse pressed on my skin to find a vein. Turning my head, I stared at the wall, feeling a pinch.

  "Okay, open your hand," she said softly. Her voice was surprisingly soothing.

  She finished filling several vials before covering my arm with a Band-Aid and patting me gently on the forearm. Next, she handed me a gown. I noticed a large machine in the room with a projection screen on the wall.

  "Dr. Myers is going to give you an internal ultrasound. You'll need to remove your pants and underwear. There's a sheet for you to cover up."

  "All right." I felt like that was the only phrase in my current vocabulary. My brain was too scattered to think of anything else to say.

  Dr. Myers walked in just a few minutes after I perched myself on the exam table. She was a woman in her mid-thirties with long brown hair and bright blue eyes. I'd always found her beautiful. But, today, she looked stunning, almost as if she was glowing.

  "Hadley, back so soon? You were here-" she paused to glance at my chart, "in November, right? Is everything okay?"

  "I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant," I muttered.

  "Ohhh," she said, pulling her stool up to the table where I sat, almost squirming. "I'm guessing this wasn't planned?"

  I shook my head while pursing my lips.

  "I see…well, now I know why we're in room 4." She looked back to my chart. "Okay, so the first day of your last period was December 17th."

  "Right."

  "So you're about two months pregnant, assuming you are pregnant."

  "Is it possible that I'm not?"

  "Yes. Missed periods usually do mean pregnancy, but there's always a chance that something else is happening. Stress, a hormonal imbalance. You've lost weight, and you've always been trim…it could be that you're not storing enough fat to get your period. Have you started a new exercise regimen?"

  "No. But, I've been throwing up a lot."

  "Ahh. Did you leave a sample?"

  "Yes." I nodded.

  "I'll be right back. You just sit tight."

  Dr. Myers patted me gently on the knee before walking out of the room. About five minutes later she returned, looking serious. She sat back down on the stool and patted my knee again.

  "Your urine test was positive. You are definitely pregnant."

  "All right." There was that word again.

  "Do you want to talk about it?" Dr. Myers asked.

  "Um…not sure what to say."

  "Well, we can discuss your options…" her words trailed off.

  "I don't want an abortion."

  "Okay, I respect that," she said with a warm smile. "Lie back, we're going to do an internal ultrasound."

  She sat down, pulling the large machine towards us. Placing latex gloves on her hands, she then selected a plastic wand from the side of the machine.

  "This is going to go inside of you. It's a little uncomfortable, but as you can see, it's no larger than a man's penis. Just remember to breathe, okay?"

  "Okay," I replied, shaking my head at myself.

  "Let's get started," she said. I took a deep breath and stared at the projection screen on the wall. The wand was uncomfortable, but I was so focused on the little thump thump thump on the screen that I barely even noticed it.

  "What is that?" I asked, pointing at the little circle that was throbbing out of control.

  "That's the heartbeat."

  "Ohhh," I said, left speechless. My baby had a heartbeat. My baby had a heartbeat.

  "I'm going to do some measurements, but I'm pretty sure everything is right on schedule. You appear to be nine weeks along."

  "So, that means I'm due in…"

  "We'll take a look at the calendar in a moment. Just relax and look at your baby."

  "It's so small."

  "That's normal," she reassured me as she clicked the buttons on the keyboard, measuring the different dimensions of the baby.

  "Can you tell if it's a boy or a girl?"

  "Not yet. We'll be able to see that around 20 weeks or so."

  "Sorry, stupid question, I guess." My cheeks reddened with embarrassment.

  "There are no stupid questions during pregnancy. If you're curious about something, do just that…ask. And you'll want a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting."

  "I bought it."

  "Good. Then you're on the right track." She removed the wand and told me to sit back up.

  "Everything looks good. Let's figure out your due date."

  "All right."

  She looked down at a calendar on the desk.

  "September 23."

  "Really? That's so soon." My heart was pounding and I felt faint. Suddenly, it was hard to swallow. And the room felt smaller somehow. Smaller and warmer. Yes, someone had definitely turned up the heat in this tiny shoebox of a room.

  "Believe me, it's longer than it seems. By the end of July you'll realize just how long nine months is." Dr. Myers chuckled as she patted my leg. Despite the fact that she was obviously attempting to comfort me, the constant patting of my leg was really starting to annoy me.

  "Whenever you're ready, you can get dressed. And I'd like to see you back here in four weeks."

  "Thanks."

  "Sure…and Hadley, I know this is a lot to take in. Make sure you get a support system in place."

  "Right." My teeth clamped onto my bottom lip.

  "You're gonna need supportive people in your life."

  "I know."

  "I know I shouldn't pry, but I've known you since you were seventeen. The father? Will he be involved?"

  "Honestly…I have no idea." I said, as tears formed quickly in my already wet eyes.

  "That's the first step. Figure that out first and you can handle the rest as it comes."

  "Thanks, Dr. Myers."

  "Of course. Take care and we'll see you in a month."

  Once the door closed behind her, I got dressed and walked to the front desk to make my next appointment. When she asked for my insurance card, I panicked. Reality check number God-knows-how-many for this incredibly surreal day. I wouldn't be able to hide this from my mother for long. I had to tell her before any bills arrived from the office. This was getting more and more overwhelming by the minute. But, that tiny little beating heart had found its way into mine.

  Walking to the phone, I made the call I'd been dreading since I saw that tiny little person on the screen. I owed it to that little person to make this call.

  "Hey," he said, answering after several rings.

  "Hey." Silence.

  "You're going to talk to me now?"

  "I think I have to."

  "Yeah." More silence.

  "I'm due September 23rd."

  "So you're definitely having it?"

  "Tucker!"

  "I'm serious. You should think about it, at least!"

  "I have thought about it."

  "And?"

  "I saw the heartbeat."

  "What? Already?"

  "Yes."

  "Oh," he paused, "what about us?"

  "What do you mean?" I asked, hoping to stall. I wasn't in love with Tucker. Of this, I was certain. "Do you love me?" I decided to cut to the chase.

  Another pause. A very long pause.

  "Had…"

  "Just answer. Don't worry about hurting me. Answer."

  "I don't think so, no." Instead of feeling anxious or hurt or sad, I felt relief. Unbelievable relief.

  "Okay then."

  "And you?" he asked.

  "No," I said as gently as I could.

  "Wow." I could hear the relief in his voice, as well. Although he seemed genuinely surprised. Asshole.

  "Think about it. I won't pressure you. I know you aren't ready to be a father."

  "Right, but I should help you. I mean, what are you gonna do?"

  "You know money isn't an issue," I said.

  "Oh right, the money from your dad."

  "Yeah." When my father
passed away, he had a substantial life insurance policy. My mom and I were very well taken care of. But, that didn't make me miss him any less. I still ached for my dad…every single day.

  "Don't feel obligated," I added.

  "I don't…I mean. You know what I mean."

  "Yeah."

  "I'm sorry," he said, clearing his throat after saying the words. As if they tasted terrible coming out of his mouth. Tucker doesn't like to admit he's wrong.

  "For what?" I asked.

  "You know—for thinking you did this on purpose. That was fucked up."

  "It was," I scoffed.

  "Do you forgive me?"

  "Not yet," I said, matter of fact. It was the truth.

  "I'm not sure I'm ready to be a dad."

  "I know."

  "We're only twenty-two. I just finished college. I just started this job. And things are going really well, I just don't—"

  "Tuck, stop." I couldn't listen anymore. I knew all the reasons why this baby wasn't planned. I didn't need to hear them listed for me again and again. It wouldn't change the way I felt.

  "All right."

  "I have my next appointment in a month. I'll call you after that and we'll see how we feel about things."

  "Fine, okay. But, what about you and me?"

  "I think it's pretty obvious."

  An uncomfortable pause took over the already tense conversation. He was making me say it. Tucker never did well with guilt either.

  I sighed and told him what he wanted to hear. "We're over, Tuck. We both know it."

  "I guess I needed to hear you say it."

  "So you won't feel like the asshole who dumped his pregnant girlfriend?"

  "No. I swear. I just…you know, I had to know for sure. That you'd be okay without me."

  "I'll survive without you, Tuck," I scoffed again.

  "I know."

  "And we're not going to stay together just for the baby. He deserves better than that."

  "It's a boy?" he asked, his voice hopeful for the first time during this entire conversation.

  "No, I mean, maybe. I don't know yet. It's too early."

  "Oh." He sounded disappointed.

  "Do you want a boy?" I asked, confused.

  "Shit, I don't know." His voice turned defensive and I knew this conversation had run its course.

  "Right. I should go," I said.

  "Call me next month?"

  "Sure, bye."

  I sunk down to my bed, hugging my stomach and crying. Hard. An ugly cry that hadn't happened in years…not since Dad died. I needed to let Tucker go. But, he'd been my lifeline, my safety net, my life preserver…for years. Literally years of my life were spent depending on Tucker. Turning to him when I needed to cry, when I needed to throw things because I missed my dad so goddamn much. He was there for me. Always. He'd hold my hair when I threw up after drinking my sorrows away. He'd hold my hand as I sobbed. He was just…there.

  And because of that, I'd felt indebted to him. I'd felt like I was his to take or leave…like our entire relationship was up to him. But, it wasn't about me anymore. And it wasn't about Tucker. It was about that tiny little life on the screen. That fluttering little heart.

  I pushed up on my elbows and reached for the phone on my bedside table. It was time to tell her. I needed her with me, desperately.

  Sobbing into the phone, I choked on the words, "Can you come over?"

  Without skipping a beat, Auden answered, "Give me ten minutes."

  Auden held me, stroking my hair as I wailed into her chest, grabbing on to her sleeves for dear life. She'd been holding me like this for at least twenty minutes and hadn't pushed me to tell her what was going on. She knew I had to get it out.

  Finally, when I was completely exhausted from crying, I managed to find the words.

  "I'm pregnant," I whispered.

  A long pause went by. And then a deep sigh. Not one of disappointment. Of that I was sure. It was a sigh of contemplation. She wanted to help me, but had no idea how.

  "Tucker?" she asked.

  "Yes."

  "Are you sure?"

  "I haven't been with anyone else. And the doctor confirmed it today."

  "How far along are you?" she asked calmly, still threading her fingers through my hair.

  "Nine weeks. I'm due September 23."

  "Wow," she whispered.

  "I know…it's so soon," I said. Another tear slipped from my eye. It landed harshly on my hand, and I wiped it away with the sleeve tucked around my hand. Whenever I'm upset, my shirts get wrapped up like that. My mom says I've done it since I was really young. And here I was again…tucked up like a child, crying on my best friend as a child grew inside of me. It was all too surreal.

  "Do you know what you're gonna do?" she asked.

  "I'm going to keep it."

  "You know you don't have to, right?" Auden asked, no judgment in her voice.

  I sat up and looked her square in the eyes. "What do you mean?"

  "You know…" her voice trailed off as she raised an eyebrow, looking at my stomach. "You're only twenty-two. You have so much you still want to do."

  I shook my head, "That's not what I want."

  "I just want you to be sure. This is a huge decision."

  "Believe me, I know that," I said, feeling myself getting defensive.

  "What did Tucker say?"

  "He doesn't want it." I shrugged.

  "Can you blame him, sweetheart? You two have been sketchy at best."

  "I know, but—I just can't. I can't do that."

  "Look, you took care of your dad, and now you take care of your mom. When are you going to take care of you? When does your life get to be about you, Hadley?"

  "I don't know." More tears rushed out as I scrunched my eyes together in frustration. "When did my life spin so out of control? I had plans. And those plans made sense. None of this makes sense to me. None of it."

  "Maybe that's the beauty of it."

  "What do you mean?"

  "You've always been scheduled, you've had routines that made sense. Things are a little crazy right now, but maybe that's how it's supposed to be…maybe you weren't shaking things up enough on your own. Someone else is shaking them up for you."

  Auden shrugged and looked up at the ceiling. But, I didn't want to talk about God. I didn't want to talk about fate. I just wanted things to make sense again. I wanted my life to fit the picture I had in my head…and it was panning out to be nothing like that picture. Not at all.

  "Whatever you decide, I'm here for you. You know that," Auden said, squeezing my hand.

  "I do."

  "So, what's next?"

  "I see the doctor in a month."

  "Okay."

  "And I broke up with Tucker."

  "I've been waiting for that," she said with a smile.

  "It's like a part of me has died."

  "Six years is a long time…and those last three were brutal. But, he's not the one, sweetheart."

  "I know," I said, curling up and placing my head on Auden's crisscrossed legs. She instinctively rubbed my back and hummed a song.

  Tucker was my safe place for three years, my secure dock in a sea of indecision as I dealt with my father's illness and death. And now I had to sink or swim. It was time to let go and move on. Slowly, I pushed off from the dock that was Tucker Montgomery and prepared to swim…praying I wouldn't drown.

  I didn't mean to make Hadley uncomfortable that night at the dance. But, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what I did. Something came over me and I just had to tell her how I felt…that she was worth fighting for. I was determined to show her that we're a good fit, a good match. I knew she felt something for me. I knew she'd felt that way for years. But, maybe I just missed my chance. Maybe I waited too long and managed to lose her.

  But, I was not giving up.

  I meant every single word I said.

  Completely and entirely.

  I was done pushing my feelings away.

  Had
die and I were emailing practically every day, but we hadn't actually spoken since the dance. Madeline finally started to cooperate, so I'd been writing like crazy, funneling all of my frustration and emotions over my feelings for Haddie into my novel. I was almost there, almost finished. My editor was expecting it by May 1st, which gave me just a couple more weeks.

  I was nervous as hell to see her. I was volunteering at Sunnyside for the next several months until the big performance in August. I was excited to see her weekly. And if I was being honest with myself, I really was looking forward to volunteering at the center. Her clients were so full of life, so lighthearted and fun. I had such a great time at that dance, even when I wasn't with Haddie. Bryce was a killer DJ's assistant, so eager to help keep our audience entertained. I looked forward to helping them select songs for the big performance. I suspected Bryce would be instrumental in that.

  Haddie had also asked me to assist her with choreography, props and costumes. Oh and sets, too. So, pretty much every aspect of the show, which was just fine with me. Each Thursday, I'd be there for about four hours, assisting with all of those things.

  I was happy to have the opportunity to spend more time with her, to show her how much I cared and that this thing between us was far from over. With every fiber of my being, I felt like our story had just begun.

  I tried my best to calm my nerves as I walked through the doors of Sunnyside. The receptionist gave me a smile and directed me to the rec room where Haddie and Ellie were meeting. I was right on time.

  They sat at a long wooden table, looking at Haddie's laptop. I assumed they were looking at playlists because each of them took turns pointing at the screen and laughing about songs and singers. Just as I was about to say hello, Haddie looked up, as if she could feel my presence.

  Her cheeks turned a gorgeous shade of pink and she pushed her hair behind her ears. She looked different, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Was it the tone of her skin, maybe the style of her hair? I swear she may have even had a few new freckles on her cheeks. No matter what the changes were, she looked stunning.

  "Hey," she said. She didn't stand up, and pulled nervously on her shirt as she gave me a shy smile.

  "Great seeing you again." Ellie stood to greet me, shaking my hand.

  "Thanks," I said, pulling up a chair and joining them at the table, purposely sitting opposite Haddie so I could have the best possible view of her. It had been way too long since I'd seen those sky blue eyes and golden hair.