Picturing Perfect

by Brown, Melissa

  "I don't know…just confused, I guess," I said, placing my hands in my pockets.

  "Wanna grab a bite? Talk about it? Maybe I can help."

  No one who knew us would describe our sibling relationship as close. But, my feelings for Haddie seemed to be bringing us closer for once in our lives. She wasn't the bratty kid sister who used to drive me crazy. Instead, she was the best friend of the girl I was absolutely crazy about. Auden knew Haddie like no one else and she actually wanted to help me. I'd be a dumbass if I turned her down.

  Thirty minutes later, Auden and I were eating sub sandwiches and making small talk. For some reason, I chose not to start the conversation looming around us. Luckily, Auden seemed to sense that. She finished chewing, took a sip of her Diet Coke and simply said, "She's just as confused as you are."

  I nodded, knowing that Haddie was overwhelmed.

  "I don't want to make things worse for her."

  "I know that…she does, too. Just be patient. It'll happen."

  "I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, ya know? I keep waiting for Tucker to come back into her life. I'd be a shit if I stood in the way of her having a family."

  "He's not coming back," she said with a confident shake of her head.

  "But, does she want him to?"

  "Honestly, no. They were falling apart for months before she got pregnant. The baby just made it more complicated."

  "Much more," I said before taking a few more bites of sandwich. Our meal became eerily silent. I looked up at my sister. Auden bit her lip and scrunched her nose. Why is she nervous?

  "What?" I asked with a mouth full of food.

  "I have a confession to make." She twiddled her thumbs in a frantic way. She used to do that when my parents caught her in a lie.

  "You do?" What could Auden possibly have to confess that was making her freak out? I hadn't seen her panic like that in years.

  "I'm the one who pushed her to date Tucker. It's my fault she was ever with that asshole. It's my fault she's having his kid."

  "Hardly," I scoffed.

  "No, seriously."

  "They dated for six years—you're not responsible for that. She could've broken up with him."

  "I know, but her dad died…and he was there for her. She needed him after all that happened. And he stepped up. But, in the beginning, she was hung up on someone else."

  "Who?"

  "Don't be a dumbass."

  "Me?" I asked, in shock. I knew she cared about me when we were younger. But, I didn't realize it continued for that long. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

  "You were away at school and I told her she needed to get over you. She was pissed for a while, but eventually she let me set her up with Tuck."

  "Wow."

  "Are you pissed?" Auden winced, stirring her drink. "I just wanted her to be happy…with someone."

  "Of course not," I said with a furrowed brow. "Just a little shocked."

  "She's been crazy about you since we were, like, eight." She rolled her eyes and I kinda wanted to smack her. Sometimes she was still my little pain-in-the-ass sister. But, her stance on Haddie and I being together was refreshing. I didn't expect her to feel that way. At all. Especially given our history.

  "Can we change the subject? I feel like we're just going round and round and getting nowhere."

  She shrugged as she wiped her mouth. "I just feel bad, that's all."

  "I know." It was usually our unspoken topic. We were finally talking about it without really talking about it. Haddie had been our divide for a long time. But, ironically she was actually pulling us together now.

  Auden changed the subject after an uncomfortable silence lingered at our table. She hated her job and was content to tell me all about it…which was really nothing new. She'd been in a mood for months. Nothing seemed to make her happy. As Auden began to retell a story I'd already heard last week at our Sunday dinner, I zoned out. Realizing how Haddie felt all along brought up so many thoughts and answered so many questions. All I could think about was the day I discovered that Haddie was dating Tucker. I would never forget that day.

  It was my first Christmas home with my family after starting college. Awesome smells filled the house. My mom's famous brined turkey and garlic mashed potatoes. Cornbread stuffing and cherry pie. I couldn't wait. My school cafeteria wasn't the best and instead of gaining the freshman fifteen, I had lost weight during that first semester at school. I was homesick, yes. But, I was missing someone specific. Haddie.

  It was pretty ridiculous, really. I had gone on several dates with girls from my dorm. And they were all pretty cool. But, none of them really did it for me. I would be home for three full weeks and I had made up my mind…I was going to ask Haddie out on a date. A real date. No more avoiding, no more ignoring how I felt about that girl. She was a junior in high school, and before I'd left for college, she had never really dated anyone aside from the occasional dance at school. I really wanted a fresh start with the only girl who ever really owned my full attention.

  My plan was to show up at her house that night, after my aunts and uncles all went home. Auden had mentioned to my mom that Haddie and her parents were having a quiet holiday at home. It would be perfect. I'd made several mix CDs for her…songs that made me think of her while I was at school. I'd burned them on my computer and made copies for myself. I listened to them all the time.

  My roommate was the one who planted the seed in my mind. He was having a long distance relationship with a girl who was still in high school. They had been dating for years and were still making it work. I'd always heard horror stories about long distance relationships, but after watching Pete and his girlfriend, I decided to be impulsive and follow my heart.

  That evening, I drove to Haddie's house. Large snowflakes were falling on the ground, and I started to have visions of kissing Haddie in the snow. When I reached her house, though, I saw a car parked in her driveway. I parked the car, turned off my headlights and focused on her front door. A guy I didn't recognize was standing on her front porch, holding a bouquet of roses. I watched, my mouth agape, as Haddie answered the door. She covered her mouth in surprise before taking the bouquet and wrapping her arms around him.

  My heart sank. After she took his hand and led him inside, I drove away. She'd given up on me. She'd found someone else. And for me…well, it was time to let go. Maybe I'd get another chance with her in the future. I just had to be patient.

  Jason and I were spending the day together and I was terribly excited. Our friendship had grown significantly and I found myself looking forward to hearing his voice, spending hours chatting on park benches and walking through my neighborhood on lazy Sunday afternoons. He hadn't told me yet where we were going, but I was told to dress in my "Sunday best."

  My hair was curled in loose waves down my back and I wore my favorite maternity dress. It was light and airy and I wore it as often as possible. Auden gave me a gorgeous jade necklace for my birthday and it sat perfectly on my chest. I was fixing my hair when I felt a familiar push inside my belly.

  "Hey there, baby boy," I said, rubbing my tummy. Pushing slightly into my baby bump with the tips of my fingers, I waited for him to respond. He did, just as I'd hoped, with another nudge of his foot or elbow. It was impossible to know exactly what my busy boy was up to, but I loved that we were able to communicate.

  "We're spending the day with Jason, sweet pea. You will love him…just wait and see." My son pushed against me again, bringing another smile to my face. I heard a knock and I couldn't get to the door fast enough.

  When I looked through the peephole, an unfamiliar face smiled back at me. A petite woman with chocolate brown hair, porcelain skin and dark brown eyes.

  "Hello," she said with a kind smile, as I opened the door. "My name is Kate Maxwell. I'm a friend of Jason's."

  "Oh," I said, slightly confused. "Um, Jason's not here, but he should be any minute."

  "Actually, he's not coming."

  "I don't unde
rstand," I said. I was disappointed. So disappointed…not to mention confused.

  "Jason sent me as a gift. He wanted to surprise you with a maternity photo session. That's where I come in. I'm a photographer," she said, motioning to the large camera bag around her left shoulder.

  "You're kidding," I said, aghast. When would this man stop surprising me?

  "Nope, dead serious. Here," she said, reaching into her bag, "this is for you."

  A simple unmarked envelope was placed in my hands. Quickly, I flipped it over, pulling the white card stock out of its envelope.

  "Wow," I muttered, staring off into space, trying desperately to wrap my mind around the kindness and generosity that Jason continued to show me.

  "He's got it bad," Kate said with a devilish grin.

  "I'm starting to see that," I said. Gesturing for Kate to come in, I looked down at my dress, a little bit panicked. Was I dressed right for this?

  "You look gorgeous," Kate said. "And based on your outfit, I have the perfect spot in mind."

  "Really?" I had no idea where she was thinking we'd go. I knew nothing about photography.

  "I arrived early and scoped out your neighborhood. There's a small wooded area behind your complex. I thought we could get some beautiful shots out there. I also brought a backdrop in case you'd like some general studio-type shots."

  "Natural sounds good." I followed Kate out of the apartment, thinking only of a man named Jason Kelly.

  Two hours later, Kate and I made our way back to my apartment. As Jason predicted, I was exhausted. But, that wasn't going to stop me from calling him. I was practically giddy at the thought of seeing him, hugging him tight and thanking him for his incredible gift.

  "I'll go through all the photos, do some editing and send them to you in an email. Sound good?"

  "Absolutely," I said, rubbing my stomach gently. "Thank you so much."

  Kate smiled warmly. "It was my pleasure. Jason's a great guy. You make him very happy."

  "Oh, um…we're not dating," I said, suddenly embarrassed of my baby bump. How ridiculous she must think I was, carrying another man's baby as we discussed Jason's feelings for me.

  "That doesn't matter. He's crazy about you." She raises an eyebrow and I felt the heat rushing to my cheeks. It was getting harder and harder to deny my feelings for him.

  Kate smiled as I shrugged my shoulders, looking all kinds of embarrassed.

  "And I him," I whispered.

  "I can tell." She smiled again.

  "But, how could he…never mind." I waved my hand dismissively in front of my face.

  Kate looked concerned, so I did my best to gather my thoughts before speaking. I barely knew this person, and yet, I felt if I didn't tell her how I felt about him, it would be a betrayal of some kind. That I would be denying him somehow. And that was the last thing I wanted to do.

  "The baby isn't his," I said simply.

  "I know. And I know how confusing that must make it for you."

  I nodded in response. My cheeks were hot. Thank goodness she had finished taking the pictures.

  "I know what it's like to be without the person you love. My husband and I were apart for a long time and it was awful. I don't want that for Jason. Nor you."

  "You barely know me," I said, confused again.

  "I know that Jason is smitten and I know he's felt this way for a long time."

  "But, how could he love a baby that isn't his?"

  "He already does."

  "He does?" I couldn't believe my ears. It had never crossed my mind that Jason would be falling in love with the baby just as I was.

  She smiled gently. "He loves you and he loves the baby. Can't you see that?"

  I shook my head back and forth, almost in denial. I knew Jason had feelings for me. I'd known that since the night of the Valentine's Dance. But, the thought of him actually being able to love my baby had to be the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard. I couldn't get my hopes up. It wasn't fair to the baby…or to me. I had to stay strong for the two of us. I couldn't allow myself to have a broken heart.

  "We're friends." I shrugged. "Right now, that's all we can be."

  "Okay." Kate's eyebrows knitted together as she gathered her things. "Well, I should go. I hope to see you again, Hadley."

  "Thank you again for this wonderful gift. I can't wait to see the pictures."

  I walked Kate to the door, shutting it behind her, terrified to pick up the phone. Ten minutes ago, I couldn't wait to see Jason, but now…now, I was an overwhelmed mess. I needed to do the right thing for the baby and I didn't know what that was. I had allowed my naive self to get wrapped up in a relationship that could blow up in my face. My focus should be solely on the baby. Becoming a mother was such an incredible responsibility and I needed to honor that. I had to focus on the boy whose life was entirely in my hands. I refused to screw that up.

  Reaching for the phone, I dialed Jason's number, hoping for voicemail. He answered right away. Damn it.

  "Hey, how'd it go?" He sounded so happy, so satisfied, so proud. It killed me to have to do what I was about to do.

  "It was great," I replied. Silence filled the air. "Thank you so much."

  "Of course. I want you to have memories of this. You're radiant, you know."

  "Thanks," I whispered, pressing my eyes tight, pulling on the strap of my dress.

  "So, are you hungry?" His voice was eager.

  "I'm actually really tired. I think I'm gonna lay down, maybe go to bed early."

  "Oh," Jason said, sighing softly into his phone. "Do you want some company? I could bring a movie and a pizza."

  "Jase," I said gently, my heart sinking as I said his name.

  I hate this.

  Jason sighed again. He understood what I was doing. He knew I was pushing him away. I was scared to death and he probably knew that, too.

  "Yeah, sure. Um…I guess I'll see you on Thursday then?" he said as he cleared his throat.

  "Thank you for the gift. I can't even express to you how much it meant to me."

  "You're welcome, Haddie."

  I placed my phone on the counter and walked like a zombie back to my room. Turning on the shower, I climbed in to wash the smell of fresh pine and grass from my hair and body. Smelling like the photo shoot would only make me think of Jason and how much he loved me. How much he would do to make me happy. How I wouldn't allow him to do anything else because of how much I loved him in return.

  My tears joined the hot water as it spilled down my chest and swollen belly. The baby kicked against my side. And it was the only thing that kept me from sinking to my knees.

  "Hi, sweet pea." I said through my sobs, pressing my fingers into my belly.

  This tiny person was my first priority. He had to come first, no matter what. I would worry about my own happiness later.

  What the hell is that?

  I gasped in horror. There was blood in my underpants. Not a lot of blood, just a few spots. But, my heart raced and my stomach dropped to my knees. When was the last time the baby kicked? I honestly didn't remember. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

  I raced to my kitchen and dialed the emergency line for Dr. Myers' office. The nurse on duty instructed me to come in right away for an ultrasound. I took a fast shower, got dressed, and grabbed a banana from the kitchen.

  On my way to the hospital, I called Ellie. I had no idea if I'd be able to go to work today…physically or mentally. Every time I came to grips with the pregnancy, I was thrown another curve ball—another crisis or critical moment that made me question whether or not I was cut out to be a mother.

  I arrived at the office and was taken promptly to an examination room. Dr. Myers was already waiting for me. Her face was painted with concern and it scared me to death.

  "Okay, let's take a look," she said, placing the gel on the plastic device in her hand. She rubbed the gel onto my belly as well.

  "Are you still bleeding?"

  "No," I replied.

  "Have you
felt much movement this morning?" she asked.

  "No, none," I said, choking out the words.

  "Deep breaths," she said with a reassuring expression that, unfortunately, did absolutely nothing to reassure me.

  Within seconds, she located the baby. I took a deep breath just as the corners of her mouth curled towards her nose. The heart was beating like crazy and I saw my boy moving his tiny fingers.

  "Is he okay?" I asked. "Is he going to be okay?"

  "He appears to be just fine. And, some other good news is that your placenta has moved higher inside your uterus, which is what we were hoping for."

  "So, there's nothing to worry about?"

  "Well," she began, "the bleeding was probably from the recent movement of your placenta. Or, it could be stress induced. Have you done anything out of the ordinary?"

  "I moved into my own place not too long ago."

  "Well, that could do it. I'd like to put you on temporary bed rest. I'd also like to do some tests on your urine and blood just to be safe."

  "Bed rest? For how long?"

  "Let's do two weeks for now. As long as the bleeding doesn't come back, you can go back to work. But for now, you need to have your feet up and avoid stress whenever you can."

  My heart sank knowing that I'd be away from Sunnyside. The performance was in just a few weeks and I needed to make sure Lucy was conquering her stage fright. We needed costumes and props. There were still so many things to be done. I wondered how much, if anything, could be done from my apartment…

  Ding-dong.

  The ring of the doorbell woke me from my nap. I'd been sleeping a lot that week. I was bored out of my mind—wishing I was at work, with my clients, planning the big performance and teaching my daily classes. Instead, I was following doctor's orders, lying in bed for most of the day, checking Facebook way too often and reading books on my Kindle. I was hoping and praying Dr. Myers would let me return to work since the bleeding had completely stopped days ago. I missed work so much. And the show was quickly approaching. They needed me.