Picturing Perfect

by Brown, Melissa

  "Babies like milk," Warren said.

  "Yes, they do. He also likes bananas and pears."

  "I like pears!" Lucy sat up straight in her seat with a new appreciation for the baby. She'd found common ground with him. Sometimes that's all we needed. All of us.

  "Me too," Violet added. "I have one in my lunch today."

  "That's awesome," I replied, remembering just how much these wonderful people made me smile and laugh. I'd really missed them. A lot.

  "They still haven't filled your position," Nick said, pursing his lips with hesitation. As if he couldn't decide whether or not to tell me.

  "Seriously? Why not?"

  "Everyone's kinda filling in with the classes. And Ellie and I are taking over the show."

  "But, why? I don't understand."

  "I guess Pamela is hoping you'll come back."

  My stomach flipped. I didn't want anyone to wait around for me. But, I was flattered.

  "Why didn't you tell me about the show? You know I'd help out. Jason and I both."

  "We didn't want to pressure you. That's all."

  "Pressure me." I nodded assertively.

  "Fine," he said, raising his hands up near his head in surrender. "Still bossy, I see."

  "You'd better believe it. Sounds like I need to have a conversation with Pamela, huh?"

  "That's up to you," Nick said. "You have to put your family first."

  Taking Bryce and Violet's hands in my own. "This is my family, too. I need all of you. I'll figure something out."

  When I arrived at Haddie's place today, I noticed the mailbox was full. I scooped several envelopes out of the simple metal box and carried all of it to her apartment.

  She greeted me with a kiss and thanked me, asking me to put everything on the counter. As I joined Marty on the floor to play with Grover and friends, Haddie sorted through the mail.

  "Oh…" she said quietly to herself.

  "What is it?"

  "The results. They're here."

  "I thought Tucker wanted them sent directly to his family."

  She scoffed. "Or his parents' lawyer."

  "I can drop them off, Haddie," I offered. She looked relieved as soon as I said the words.

  "Are you sure?" she asked, scrunching her nose and clenching her teeth. God, she was adorable.

  "Absolutely."

  There was something I wanted to discuss with Tucker anyway. The coward hadn't been back to see his son since he freaked out over Haddie revealing his secret. And since then, I had some things I wanted to discuss. Important things.

  Haddie excused herself to use the bathroom. Her cell was on the counter. Quickly I sent a text to Tucker from her phone. Probably not the smartest move on the planet, but I was eager to see him. Face to face.

  I have results for you. Would like to deliver them.

  After a few minutes without a reply, I was starting to get nervous. Haddie had returned from the bathroom and had scooped Marty up for a diaper change. Just as I heard him cooing through the monitor her cell phone chirped.

  I'm home.

  A man of very few words, I thought to myself as I deleted the messages and placed the phone back on the counter. My heart was pounding in my chest. I'd never lied to Haddie before. I'd never used her phone or checked her email. But, I had to do this. For all of us. When Haddie and Marty returned, Marty was cuddling his favorite turtle toy.

  "Listen, I'm gonna deliver these," I said, clutching the envelope. Haddie looked perplexed.

  "But, you just got here. Tucker can wait."

  "I know, but…" I hesitated. My nerves were getting the best of me. "I just want to get it over with."

  "Oh my god," she gasped, "you want to see the results."

  "Don't be silly," I said, panicking. She was totally misreading my intentions. Shit.

  "I can't believe this. I thought you trusted me!" she said, placing Marty in his playpen before turning back to me, hands on hips and chest heaving.

  I walked towards her, placing my hands on her shoulders. "I don't need to look in this envelope to know who his biological father is. I just have some things I need to say to him. All right? Don't turn this into something it's not."

  I smoothed down her hair with both hands before kissing her softly on the lips. She closed her eyes and kept them tight. The last thing I wanted was to make her doubt my trust in her. I trusted her implicitly.

  "I'll be back soon. I'll pick up dinner on the way." Planting one last kiss on her forehead, I walked to Marty and kissed him there as well. "See you in a bit, little guy."

  Haddie put on a brave face as I left her apartment. It was killing me to leave them, but it was more than necessary. This conversation needed to happen. I couldn't wait any longer.

  The lights of Tucker's luxury townhome were on and luckily it seemed like he was home alone. His curtains were open and he was sitting on the couch, watching the Cubs game as he drank a beer. I took a deep breath before ringing the bell. Let's do this.

  He opened the door apprehensively. When he noticed the envelope in my hand, his muscles tensed and he lifted his chin in defiance. He was ready for a fight. Well, maybe he'd get one.

  "Hey, man. I thought Hadley was bringing those," he said, opening the door, gesturing for me to come in.

  "Change of plans," I said as I entered his home. "Nice place." I looked around at the rustic leather furniture and large flat screen TV mounted to the wall. His place was the epitome of bachelor pad. This was not a child-friendly place. Even if he wanted to have Marty here for the day or, God forbid, overnight, it wouldn't be safe at all. Marty was almost walking and he'd been crawling for months. Glass coffee table, a bookshelf made of wrought iron, two antique guitars propped up with metal stands. This place would be a disaster waiting to happen for the baby.

  "You have the results?" he asked, pointing to the envelope in my hand.

  "Yep." I passed him the large envelope. He looked down at his hands, knowing he held all the answers he needed in regards to his son's paternity. He couldn't avoid this any longer. Tucker took a deep breath and walked to the fridge.

  "Beer?" he asked.

  "Sure."

  He popped the top of a Stella Artois beer, handed it to me and we walked to the living room. He nodded for me to sit. I took a sip of my beer and settled in to the leather furniture. I couldn't stop staring at his hands. He still hadn't opened the envelope. Because he already knows the results. He knows Marty's his son.

  "You don't even need to open it, do you?" I said, glaring at him through hooded eyes.

  "No," he said, tapping the envelope on his knee.

  "Well, you might as well," I said, trying to stay casual. I didn't want him to know how much I was seething between each swig of my beer. I hoped the amber liquid would calm my nerves, but it didn't. I was there to protect my family.

  Tucker swallowed hard as he opened the envelope and revealed the smaller white envelope containing the results. He opened it, nodded, closed the paper and tossed it to his coffee table. No surprise. But, the look on his face killed me. It was as if he was hoping he wasn't the father. He had no idea how lucky he was…how much he was missing.

  "I don't get you, man," I said, leaning on my elbows.

  "What?" he snapped, crossing his arms and glowering at me. Classic defensive stance.

  "You don't have any idea how cool that little guy is. No idea at all."

  "I don't want a kid. You know this."

  "It's not that easy."

  "You don't get it," he huffed, looking away.

  "Then tell me."

  "We were done, over. I didn't want to be with her any more. I was trying to break up with her…and then this…I'm twenty-three, for fuck's sake. I don't want a kid…and neither does my family."

  "Yeah, that was obvious."

  "What are you talking about?"

  "The ridiculous offer your mother made. Did you honestly think Haddie could be bought?"

  "My mom? What the fuck are you talking about
?" He looked taken aback.

  "Whatever, dude. I'm not getting into this with you. You want the test, and then you don't want the test. Don't you think you've put her through enough?"

  "What the fuck? I never changed my mind about the test."

  "Well, your mom sure as hell did."

  "No, she didn't. She's been asking me for days when we'll see the results."

  "She went to Haddie's place a few weeks ago. Tried to convince her not to have the test done at all."

  "You're full of shit," he said, slamming his beer so hard on the glass I flinched, waiting for the table to shatter. Luckily, it remained intact. He stood up and paced.

  "No, I'm not. But, your family sure as hell is."

  "Watch it, man."

  Adrenaline pumped furiously through my veins. Gripping the side of the armchair, I felt my pulse racing. Don't knock his ass out. Be the better man. Haddie deserves more.

  "You don't know, do you?" I asked, in shock. I thought he'd sent his mother to Haddie's place to humiliate her. To protect his reputation among the single ladies in his wealthy circle.

  "Know what?"

  "Your mom showed up and offered to pay Haddie off. If she dropped the DNA test, Marty would be set for life. College, trust fund, everything. She even had a contract drawn up. As long as your name wasn't on the birth certificate, she'd never have to work another day in her life."

  "You gotta be fucking with me." Tucker tilted his head back, searching my eyes for some sign of a joke or a prank.

  "No, man…I'm not." I insisted.

  "I can't believe her…" His words trailed off as he continued to pace his living room, grabbing his beer from the table. "Hadley must've been pissed."

  "Obviously." I nodded.

  "I can't believe my mother. Anything to protect our family's fucking reputation." He took another sip of beer, shaking his head as he stared off into space.

  "So, now you know everything. You know he's yours. You know what your mother did. Now, make a choice."

  "What?" He glowered at me with dark eyes. The same eyes as Marty.

  "Haddie told you months ago…you need to shit or get off the pot, dude," I said, crossing the room to stand in front of Tucker. He stopped pacing and ran his fingers through his hair, puffing out his chest.

  "Don't tell me what to do. He's my kid."

  "You don't even know him. Not at all," I said, shaking my head.

  "He's a baby. What is there to know? He sleeps, he cries, he shits." He threw his hands in the air, placing his empty bottle on the bookshelf.

  "You don't have a clue, dude. He drools like crazy because he's always teething. He got his first one at six months and is getting another. He hates peas but loves carrots…but only if you put a spoonful of applesauce in too. He can't sleep without his blankie. And this shirt," I said, gesturing to my Super Grover t-shirt, "always makes him laugh."

  "Huh…" Tucker said and his eyes softened slightly. He knew I wasn't the enemy. Maybe he even realized how much I loved his son. And how much he didn't.

  "There's something else in the envelope. Look it over and get back to me."

  He raised his eyebrows in confusion, crossed to the table and looked inside the large manila envelope. Pulling out the documents, he read quietly to himself.

  "If this is what you wanted, why didn't you two just take the money? It would've been a hell of a lot easier."

  "Because Marty deserves the truth. And Haddie can't be bought."

  I walked out of his place feeling proud of myself, but also at Tucker's mercy. I hated that his decisions affected us. But, that was the reality of all of this. I had to get used to it.

  As I opened the door to my Jeep, I heard a door slam.

  "Jason, wait up," Tucker yelled to me, jogging to where I stood.

  He stopped, swallowed hard and handed the manila envelope back to me. He looked embarrassed…but to me, he was just pathetic.

  "Here."

  I nodded and got in the car, leaving him standing on his driveway staring as I drove away, surrounded by nothing but his own guilt and shortcomings.

  I left Tucker standing in front of his perfect bachelor pad. He may have needed to be surrounded by pristine collector's items, high-tech television and stainless steel appliances. He could keep all that shit. I was headed back to the messy toy-laden apartment of my girlfriend and her amazing kid.

  The best things in life aren't things. Maybe one day Tucker would get a clue. Until then, I was reaping the benefits of his selfishness and stupidity. And I was going home to my family.

  It was a lazy Saturday afternoon and we were doing what we did best. Hanging out with the little guy. He was doing so many new things. It was incredible. Walking and babbling, placing his turtle toy in his shopping cart and taking him for a stroll—he was becoming an actual toddler. When did that happen? It felt like we were just in that hospital room a few weeks ago.

  I'd been planning something for a long time now, and hanging with my little guy was the best inspiration. And Haddie, of course. Even wearing sweat pants, an Illini hooded sweatshirt, and a ponytail, my girl was stunning. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. She was the best inspiration a guy like me could ask for.

  "What should we do today?" she asked from the kitchen as she poured a bottle for Marty.

  "This." I smiled, crossing my hands behind my head and spreading out on the couch.

  Haddie pretended to roll her eyes and joined us on the floor. Marty handed her toys from the shopping cart and she gladly took them in her hands. One minute later, he was taking them back and placing them in the cart. I swear this boy never stopped. He was awesome to watch.

  "My mom can watch Marty next week if you want to take me out on a real date," she teased. We'd spent plenty of time alone, but as excited as I was to spend time alone with Haddie, I got just as happy to see Marty when we returned. Was that weird?

  Last night, my older sister Maya called me. She was the only one in my family who wasn't very excited about Haddie and our relationship. She was just beginning the process of a divorce. She and her husband couldn't make it work and they were going through a horrible custody battle, neither of them willing to give up seeing their child every day. Jaded would be a great word to describe her when it came to all of this. But, last night, her words stuck with me. I was unable to shake them, even though I wanted to. Desperately.

  "He's not yours, Jase. He never will be. You have to remember that."

  "Nice attitude," I said in revulsion. "His DNA doesn't matter to me. I love that kid."

  "That's the problem."

  Maya had always been protective of me…ever since I was Marty's age, she'd been looking out for me, guiding me like a mommy-in-training. But, this time, she struck a nerve. As much as I loved and cared for Marty, he would never really be mine. Haddie and I could pretend, but Tucker would always be his real father. And that frustrated the shit out of me.

  "Mama, Gogo," Marty said, handing Grover to Haddie. She lit up. He'd just started labeling things and it was incredible how simple words could make us giddy. The first time he called her Mama, I was at my place. She called me sobbing…so ecstatic she could hardly see straight. Thank goodness, she waited for his nap before breaking down that day.

  Haddie took Grover in her arms, gave him a hug and kiss and handed the blue stuffed animal back to Marty. He grabbed Gogo with a grin before running to the kitchen, taking a lap around the island and heading back to the room. Haddie shook her head as she stared at him with pride and admiration. I stared at her the same way. She was such a good mom.

  "Dada, Gogo," the little voice startled me. Marty's deep hazel eyes were looking into mine as he handed Grover to me. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Recovering as quickly as I was able, I cleared my throat and smiled. He just called me Dada. Holy shit, he thinks I'm his Dad. Is this good? Is this bad? I had no idea what to think and it was written all over my uncomfortable face.

  "Thanks, buddy," I said, rubbing the t
op of his head as he walked back to Haddie, climbing into her arms. Our eyes locked. She looked just as stunned as I felt. But, instead of looking confused, her eyes looked disappointed. There was no coming back from that reaction. I'd hurt her and I was pissed at myself for letting my insecurities take over. Of course I wanted him to think of me as Dada. Of course I did.

  Marty sucked his thumb as he rested his head on Haddie's shoulder. It was time for his afternoon nap. Without making eye contact with me, she grabbed his turtle and blanket and carried him to his room. She didn't emerge for quite a while.

  By the time she walked out of the nursery, my pulse was racing. Leaning my elbows on my knees, my foot tapped restlessly on the carpet. I hoped I didn't hurt her. She walked in silence and sat across from me in the armchair. Her hands were in her lap and she looked calm. But, her eyes told another story. They were red and puffy and I knew I caused this.

  "Haddie, look I—"

  She held up her hand, urging me to stop. Her eyes were closed shut as she waited to see if I'd let her speak. "You don't have to say anything. Your face said it all."

  "No, that's not true." I shook my head emphatically, but she looked up at the ceiling, avoiding eye contact…as if looking at me would make her lose her resolve.

  "I knew this would come up sooner or later."

  "It doesn't change anything," I said, practically pleading.

  "Yes, it does. We can't ignore this anymore," she said, gesturing to the space between us.

  "This?" I asked in confusion.

  "Tucker was right. We're just playing house. This isn't real."

  "Tucker? Why are you letting that arrogant shit have anything to do with us?"

  "I—I'm not, I just have to do the right thing. For my son," she said, finally looking me directly in the eye. But, her eyes were cold. She didn't look away…not even for a second.

  Her words had bite…especially the word "my." How foolish was I to think of him as ours? She was building up a wall…with each word that escaped her lips, another brick was placed on the wall. I wanted to kick it down, tear it apart, but she wouldn't let me near her. She just stacked the bricks, shutting me out, pushing me away.