Contingent

by Livia Jamerlan

  “Shh. It’s okay, baby girl.”

  But it wasn’t okay. I had lost him. Watched him walk out of my life. “It’s over, Gus.”

  The world around me continued. Gus gave me my space to cry and sat beside me, watching TV. He cooked and served me dinner, but I didn’t so much as lift my head. I lay there with a pounding head and tears streaming down my face like a salty waterfall.

  The night had come and gone but I still hadn’t moved; my body had simply shut down. The doorbell rang early the next morning. My neck ached as I looked around me. Gus had slept with me on the couch, and I smiled when I noticed him. Always my protector. Even if it was only a broken heart, he always stood by my side.

  I didn’t move from the couch. Bringing the throw blanket across my face, I closed my eyes, ignoring the outside world.

  Gus pushed my legs to the side and stood to answer the doorbell. Kennedy’s voice rang through the apartment.

  “What happened?” she asked Gus in a low whisper.

  “I don’t know. I found her like this yesterday. She hasn’t moved or eaten anything.”

  “I can hear you, you know,” I grunted under the thin cover.

  Kennedy’s heels clicked against the wood floor. The couch dipped next to me as she pulled the blanket off my face. “You want ice cream?” It was the first thing she asked, her blue eyes bright as she smiled down at me. I had not seen her since her wedding, yet here she was first thing in the morning and her first question was exactly what I needed.

  “Yeah,” I wailed, tears threatening to fall again.

  Kennedy nodded towards Gus and kicked off her shoes, curling up next to me She brushed my hair back to the side. “Lynnie, what happened?”

  I swallowed the porcupine crammed deep in my throat. “We broke up.”

  “Why? You told me everything was going great that last time I emailed you.” Kennedy shifted to make room for Gus on the couch.

  Ice cream in hand, Gus joined the party and handed us each a pint. “It was. Everything was perfect.” I shook my head, doubting what I was about to say. I had yet to tell anyone that he had proposed. “After your wedding, he asked me to marry him. I said no because we weren’t ready—I wasn’t ready. But it wasn’t that I didn’t want to marry him. I do! I just wanted to get my life in order first. So much has happened in the past year, and I wanted to get everything situated before I said yes.

  And then for the past six weeks he’s been asking me to move in, but . . . that’s his house.” I placed the pint on the coffee table to scratch my aching head. “I got a job with the District Attorney’s office and I never told him about it. He seemed pissed, but we never finished discussing it. He avoided me for two days, sleeping in a guest bed and not going to work. It wasn’t until I came back home without letting him know that he showed up here.”

  “Lynnie, I don’t know what to say,” Kennedy whispered.

  “I don’t either. I’m supposed to be happy I got the job and that my life is finally on the right path, but I feel it was the final thing to push him away. This was my fault. I didn’t stop him when he left. I just let him walk out.”

  “Don’t say that. Maybe he is just having a bad couple of days. Give it some time. I’m sure you two will work things out.”

  I ate another spoonful of ice cream before looking back at her. I didn’t think that time could fix this. “Are you staying here long?”

  “Why?” Kennedy asked.

  “I need to go see my therapist. I feel like I’m going to lose it soon.” The need to not feel was crawling under my skin. The sooner I spoke with my doctor, the better.

  “Go, love. I’ll have breakfast with Gus and we’ll catch up later.”

  I rose from the couch, leaving my imprint on the cushions. I showered, made an emergency appointment with Doctor Alina, and devoured more ice cream before I headed out the front door. To my surprise, Thomas was waiting with the town car.

  “Good morning, Ms. Wolf.” He pulled the back passenger door opened.

  I hesitated briefly before I climbed in. Though it was dumb to think that Peyton would be back there, a part of me hoped he would be sitting there waiting with an apology.

  As Thomas navigated the Manhattan streets, I chewed on my tongue so I wouldn’t ask him about his boss. When the car stopped in front of Doctor Alina’s office I rubbed my temples and made a mental note. The need to know where Peyton was and what he was doing was causing my stomach to tie in knots. This couldn’t be healthy.

  Braelynn

  A Few Weeks Later

  I watched as each car passed us on the highway, tuning out Gus and Jon in the front seat. I let my mind drift to when Peyton and I were in Italy. So in love, happy. But that had all gone to hell.

  Kennedy had insisted on having a small gathering once she and Caleb moved into their new home and we were on our way. It had been four weeks since I moved out of Peyton’s house. I hadn’t seen him in twenty-nine days. Yes, I was counting. There were no missed calls, not a single text message. Nothing. All contact between us had been severed. The only part of that life that remained was Thomas—who insisted he shuttle me to and from work every day. I hated that I got in the car every morning, but a sick and twisted hope lingered inside me. Hope that maybe one day Peyton would be waiting for me in the back seat. He had walked out of my apartment and cut me out of his life. My stubborn pride wouldn’t allow me to call him, but I still held hope he would come back to me.

  My therapy sessions with Doctor Alina had run longer and more frequent in the past few weeks. The urge to feel numb again began to haunt me. The fear of relapse had me calling the therapist in the middle of the night when sleep wouldn’t come. My fitness regiments also changed. If I wasn’t working late in my cubicle at the DA’s office, I was either at CrossFit or Krav Maga, taming my frustration and hurt. It had become my new vice—working out until my muscles screamed in pure exhaustion. Doctor Alina wasn’t thrilled that I had replaced my addiction for Peyton with extreme exercise, but it was better than pain killers.

  “I can’t wait to see Kennedy’s home. The pictures she sent were breathtaking,” Gus said. The GPS stated that our destination was only a quarter mile away. Drifting back to reality, I left my thoughts and joined the conversation in the car.

  Caleb and Kennedy had selected a home in one of the richest neighborhoods of East Hampton. It was a five-bedroom, four-bathroom Colonial-style house. From the pictures she had texted, she appeared to be right on the water, only a few feet away from the ocean. This was anyone’s dream home.

  “I cannot believe you convinced me to come to this party,” I grunted from the back seat.

  Jon slowed the car as he made a right turn into their driveway. “What do you mean this party? It’s Kennedy’s housewarming. We had to come.” Gus twisted in the front seat to look back at me. His chocolate-colored eyes were covered by designer sunglass frames.

  “I could’ve come up yesterday. Helped her prep and taken a tour,” I mumbled, digging into my purse for my lip-gloss and sunglasses. My heart began to pound as Jon put the car in park.

  “Brae—”

  I snapped my head up to glare at Gus once my eyes were safely covered. “What if he is there?” The cheap frames hid my fear and hurt. “You know he and Caleb are friends.” I shoved the car door open and stood, adjusting my outfit.

  I had specifically spent most of my Friday afternoon shopping for this occasion. In the event he did show, I didn’t want to be caught off guard. I had settled for tan-colored, pleated, cuffed shorts that made my legs appear long, Dior wedges that cost me a fortune covered my feet, and a sheer peach Portofino shirt completed the look. It wasn’t over the top dressy but fit the occasion, and I prayed to God that if he came he would feel the same pain I felt in my chest.

  “So what? She’s your best friend. You can’t not show up.” Gus laced his arm through mine as we began to walk towards the front door. Peyton’s sports car wasn’t parked next to the others, but that didn’t mean that L
ouis hadn’t dropped him off. My palms were clammy as we waited for someone to open the door.

  “I don’t want to see him.” Panic took over my body.

  “That’s fine, baby girl. If he’s here, we’ll look the other way.”

  Kennedy opened the door, a wide smile plastered across her face. Jon, Gus and I had each pitched in and made her a basket filled with home essentials such as dish towels, candles, some spices and a few tchotchkes Gus and I had picked up at Crate and Barrel. Caleb stood behind her, waiting for us to walk through the foyer. Closing my eyes, I could hear the ocean waves crashing only yards away. Though they only had a few furniture pieces, it already felt like a home.

  After we’d said our hellos, Kennedy jumped with excitement. “Come, let me give you a tour.” She took the basket from Jon and handed it to Caleb.

  We walked through the house and Kennedy glowed as she explained their plans for each room. If someone had predicted a year ago that this would be Kennedy’s house, I would have laughed until tears fell. Her dream of being a trauma surgeon had been replaced with the promise of motherhood and a practice in a nearby clinic. She was no longer looking out for herself, but for her future family. Love had changed her.

  Every single person will change who they are for someone they love.

  We joined the other guests—mostly Caleb’s friends—in the eat-in kitchen. The large, open room emptied onto a back deck that ran the length of the house and included a wooden staircase that led directly to the beach. The conversation amongst the men turned to sports and stocks, and my heart rate finally relaxed after an hour had passed and no one else joined the party.

  Tuning out the conversation, I focused on the ocean, imagining all the weekends I would spend here with Kennedy, whether she liked it or not. But my tranquil moment was tarnished when Kennedy and Gus both approached me with concern on their faces. Gus scratched his scalp while Kennedy picked at her manicure.

  “What is it?” I asked when neither spoke up.

  “Peyton is on his way.”

  “What!” I hopped off the bar stool.

  “He texted Caleb that he was making a quick stop at the liquor store. He wanted to know if we needed anything.”

  “You knew he was coming?”

  “I knew Caleb had invited him, but when he didn’t confirm I didn’t think I needed to tell you.”

  I took a deep breath. “It’s fine,” I lied. Eventually, our paths would cross whether it was with mutual friends or in the courtroom. “I’ll just keep my distance from him and one of you,” my hand moved from Kennedy to Gus, “needs to stay by my side.”

  “Don’t worry. We’re still expecting a few more people so you won’t even notice he’s here.” Kennedy laid a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

  She didn’t understand that I was helpless when it came to him. I could feel his presence anytime he was close. Even in a crowded room, I would still feel his proximity choking me.

  The next fifteen minutes dragged out like hours. I watched the clock, pacing as I awaited his arrival. When the doorbell rang, I snatched my cell from my back pocket and pretended to study the most recent news highlights on CNN. I couldn’t seem desperate to see him. My skin burned when I heard the commotion at the front door. He wasn’t entering alone. A group had pulled up at the same time, or so I judged based on the voices drifting in from the foyer. Through my peripheral, I saw bodies moving around the kitchen. But my stomach dropped when I heard her voice.

  “Oh, Caleb, this is spectacular.” My head snapped up. I had to be imagining things.

  “Oh shit,” I heard Gus murmur next to me.

  I scanned the room for him. My eyes locked on his sun-like eyes before his gaze shifted away from mine. It felt like I’d been punched in the gut. No, that wasn’t strong enough. I felt as if I were buried in deep sand, unable to catch my next breath. My life was fading away. He was here with his ex-girlfriend. Kick me while I’m down, why don’t you?

  Devon and her skin tight white lace dress stood in front of him. Kennedy greeted the remainder of her guests, but my eyes were glued to Peyton and Devon. Why was she here with him? My eyes scanned the room looking for his younger sister Spencer, but I couldn’t find her.

  “Oh, Kennedy, this view is breathtaking. Right, Peyton?” Devon looked over her shoulder, stretching her hand out for him to grasp. I watched from the other side of the room. He looked down at her hand before walking to stand beside her. Devon smiled at Kennedy before she spoke, her untouched hand now placed over her heart. “You know my boyfriend, Peyton, right?” Devon chuckled. “Silly me.” Her manicured hands played with her necklace. “Of course, you know him.” Her blue eyes moved to greet mine. “He and Caleb are so close.”

  Boyfriend.

  I felt a twitch in my eye. Gus’s hand reached out to grasp my leg. Never had I wanted to cunt punch a bitch as much as I wanted to at that moment. I looked at Gus and stood. “I’ll be back.” I smiled, swallowing the meteor-sized ball of hatred that threatened to erupt any second.

  “Brae—”

  I lifted my hand to stop him. “I’m going down to the beach while Kennedy’s guests say hello and have a tour of the house. I’ll be right outside.” I kept my shoulders back and a pleasant smile on my face while I yanked on the sliding glass door.

  You will not cry in front of her. You will not cry in front of her.

  I walked across the deck and down to the beach.

  You will not cry in front of her. You will not cry in front of her.

  The ocean breeze was cool, offering relief to my overheated body. I slid my wedges off my feet, leaving them on the first step and dug my toes into the sand as I headed straight for the ocean.

  You will not cry in front of her. You will not cry in front of her.

  I attempted to clear my head by focusing on the waves crashing against the packed sand, and on the ebb and flow of salty water churning against the shore. Not on the fact Devon had said Peyton was her boyfriend.

  Just breathe. No need to panic.

  “Braelynn!” Peyton’s shout came from behind me. I ignored him and continued heading down the coastline. “Stop walking!”

  “Leave me alone, Peyton!” I swallowed the painful tears that threatened to fall.

  I heard his grunts as he ran towards me. “I said stop walking, dammit!”

  The asshole had the nerve to be mad at me. “Stop walking?” I whirled to face him and my heart swelled in my chest. The smell of his cologne smacked me in the face. His scent.

  The sun was setting behind me, cold water splashed my feet, and I was there, standing in front of him. “You have no right to tell me what to do anymore.”

  “Let me explain.”

  “Fuck off, Haas.” There was too much anger inside me to hold it in.

  “Lynn . . .” He reached out to grasp my elbow and I swatted him away.

  “Don’t touch me! It has been four weeks since we broke up and already you have a girlfriend.”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “Go fuck yourself.” I raised my hands in the air as I walked backward.

  “It’s not what you think.” He moved towards me again.

  “Are you seeing her? Do you fuck her on a regular basis? Does she like it when you whip her?”

  “Lynn . . .”

  “She called you her boyfriend.”

  “Lynn—”

  “Don’t move a step closer.”

  “Braelynn.”

  “No! You don’t have a right to say my name anymore. You, Haas, are a coward and a liar. From the very beginning, I said I didn’t want to be someone who kept your bed warm while you two figured shit out. It’s been four weeks and already she’s back in your life.” I reversed my step and pushed against his chest. “You are a stranger. I. Don’t. Know. You.”

  “You don’t understand.”

  “I don’t give a shit!”

  “Peyton?” Devon’s voice called from the deck. We both turned to look at the bitch.

&nb
sp; “Go! Your girlfriend needs you.”

  My feet spun in the sand. I walked further away from the house, the tears that I had been fighting now dripped down my face. The roar of crashing waves blocked my soft cries.

  He didn’t follow me.

  It wouldn’t be the last time he broke my heart.

  I returned to the house after a twenty-minute walk, my head clearer. I had cried out all that was left in me. I was drained but with a plan. He wouldn’t get the best of me. Not anymore. There were a few people standing around the fire pit on the deck, so I sat next to them and found myself lost in thought as I stared out at the ocean. The conversation around me flowed, but I tuned it all out, caught up in the soothing rhythm of the waves crashing. The sun had dipped below the horizon and the ocean breeze cooled the air. I focused on each wave that came in from the Atlantic before it returned to ocean. I ignored the conversation because I didn’t want to hear his name or his voice.

  “Braelynn, right?” A gentleman stood next to the patio couch I was sitting on as I stared across the deck, admiring the deep blue water. Startled by his presence, I shifted to meet his eyes. I knew him . . .

  “Uh, yeah, um . . .” I couldn’t remember his name. He was the man who had approached me at Spencer’s after party. The dreamy athlete that Page Six wrote about.

  “Landon.” He smiled down at me and my hand moved to brush the ends of my hair. He oozed sex appeal.

  “I was getting to it.” I shifted back on the couch and chuckled, recovering from the fact I couldn’t remember his name from our brief meeting. “I wasn’t expecting to see you here. You caught me off guard.”

  “Is this seat taken?” He pointed to the empty spot beside me.

  “No, please sit.” I scooted over and I turned my body towards his as I hugged one of the decorative pillows. “How do you know Kennedy?”

  “I really don’t know her, per se, but I know Caleb. Friends of friends of friends.” He took a swig of his beer before placing it on the table in front of us.

  “Oh.” I folded my hands on my lap.

  “And you’re here with . . . ?”