“Just a few more months,” she whispered to herself as her table finally started to fill up and she began her nightly routine.
Chapter Four
It’s funny how sometimes a tiny item can bring back so many memories and change the direction of one’s life. In Jack’s case, it was a pair of cuff links that instigated a life altering event.
It was New Year’s Eve, and as Jack performed the once a year routine of donning his tuxedo, he reflected on all that he had accomplished during the week away.
It had been a great week. He had enjoyed the time with his family, particularly his niece and nephew, and had gotten plenty of sleep, something that had been nearly impossible during the last year. He had even started to eat well again, and had put back on a couple of pounds that he had lost while forgetting to eat the majority of time.
And while he had not made it back to the casino as planned, he had regained his confidence in his poker game during the night he had played, and looked forward to again having a profitable diversion in the New Year. Who knows, maybe this year it would help to keep his mind from drifting to where it shouldn’t.
As he looked at the mirror attached to the closet door, Jack was convinced that he could get through the evening and that the Christmas Eve call from Delaney was just what he had needed to snap out of his funk. He even looked better and healthier, the bags under his eyes somewhat diminished and the hollowness of his cheeks more filled out.
Then, he realized he needed his cuff links.
Jack reached up to the jewelry box on the shelf where his collection of watches kept his cuff links company, and was pleased to quickly find the gold accoutrements that would finish off his James Bond look for the evening. Fumbling to work the cuff links into a tiny sliver, Jack’s mind suddenly flashed back to a year earlier.
“Let me get those for you, Jack,” the sound of her voice so real he felt her presence in the room.
“I can dress myself,” he heard himself laugh as he pictured himself with her in his bedroom, struggling to get dressed for the evening.
“Jack, you are going to be late for the party if you don’t give those to me.”
“Okay, Brit,” he remembered how he always gave in to her so easily. “I wish you could stay tonight.”
“I wish I could too, but I promised the girls I would have dinner with them at my mom’s before dropping them off at their father’s. But, I’ll tell you what, I should be able to make it back by midnight and I will make it up to you then.”
“Are you sure, Brit, I don’t think you should be out on the roads tonight.”
“I’ll be fine, Jack,” she insisted as Jack remembered the touch of her hand on his as she finished up attaching the cuff links.
“Okay, Brit, but promise me you will be careful.”
“I will be fine, Jack, now let me take a look at you,” he recalled exactly what she had said like it was yesterday.
As he remembered the pleased look on her beautiful face as she stepped back to take a closer look at him, Jack suddenly snapped out of his trance, no longer able to control his emotions, the pain so overwhelming he practically collapsed onto his bed.
What had he been thinking? Why had he given in to her? Why hadn’t he just told her to stay home and he would come over after the party?
Everything would be different and she would still be here today if he had just said that one simple sentence. She would still be here to raise her girls, still be here to run her business, still be here to love him.
She would still be alive, Jack painfully admitted to himself as he tossed the gold cuff links onto the night table, and once again, fell into a trance.
* * *
“Hello,” Jack’s mind again relived the surprise he felt at hearing a man answer Brittany’s phone.
“Who is this,” he remembered asking irritably as he realized it was 11:40, forty minutes after she was supposed to arrive at the party. “Put Brittany on the phone.”
“Sir, this is County Fire and Rescue. I am afraid there has been an accident.”
“What do you mean there has been an accident,” Jack panicked as his heart nearly exploded. “Is she okay?”
“Sir, she has been taken to South Florida Regional Medical Center.”
“Tell me that she is okay,” Jack demanded. “What happened.”
“Sir, try to stay calm. A representative from fire and rescue will meet you at the hospital and provide an update.”
Jack immediately knew this wasn’t good news, and as he ran to his car, he called Brittany’s mother.
“Jack, what happened,” Denise answered in a panic. “She just left here an hour ago. The Fire Department called and said she has been transported to the hospital.”
“I don’t know, Denise,” he answered as he jumped into his car. “They won’t tell me. I’m on my way there now. I will see you there.”
Jack almost ran off the road as he sped out of the parking lot on his way to the hospital, his mind spinning as different scenarios ricocheted through his head, each one worse than the previous. Fortunately, he was only ten minutes from the hospital, but made it in seven, pulling up behind an ambulance in the emergency entrance, it’s lights still flashing.
He ran into the emergency room, a crowded mess on New Year’s Eve. Fighting through the crowd at the counter, he immediately demanded to see Brittany.
“I am here to see Brittany Boyd,” he pushed his way to the front of the line, no one daring to get in his way “She was just brought in from a car accident.”
“What is your name,” the harried nurse replied with an attitude and checked the admission list on her computer screen.
“My name is Jack Anderson, and I am here to see Brittany Boyd,” he repeated himself abruptly just in case she hadn’t heard him.
“Sir, are you family,” Jack’s heart sank as her tone changed from one of frustration to sympathy, and he immediately knew what it meant.
“No, I am not goddamn family,” he cried. “Tell me what happened to her.”
Denise arrived just in time to avoid an ugly incident, and after identifying herself as Brittany’s mother, they were ushered to a room decorated with soft couches and warm blue colors, a room Jack later found out was called the grief room.
The Doctor arrived to deliver the news. Brittany had died instantly, the likely victim of a drunk driver who had run through a red light and smashed directly into her driver’s side. She had felt no pain, he informed them, the impact of the high speed crash impossible to survive. Having delivered the devastating news, the Doctor left quickly, but not before letting them know that the other driver had been killed as well, as if that would provide some kind of closure or consolation in their time of loss.
Everything was a blur after that. Jack and Denise crying in that blue room, the argument with Brittany’s ex-husband, his assigning the blame that Jack had already accepted and letting him know that he wasn’t going to be a part of their family, that he was to blame for having taken the girls’ mother away from them. Seeing Delaney and Bailey at the funeral mourning their mother, wanting so much to be able to love and take care of them, but having to watch at a distance as their tears wouldn’t stop.
The long nights of missing her and wishing she was still here, fully aware it was his fault that she wasn’t.
* * *
What is that noise? Where am I? Am I asleep?
Jack wasn’t sure what was going on, a hard to describe yet familiar feeling having taken over his body, a sort of sleepless coma to which he withdrew during the most difficult nights.
“Snap out of it, Jack,” an imaginary voice jarred him out of his trance, the unidentifiable noise suddenly easily recognizable as the ringing of his phone.
“Hello,” he managed to mumble as he answered the phone.
“Hi, Jack, it’s Delaney again,” she answered insecurely as if he wouldn’t remember her voice.
“Hi, honey,” Jack answered as he sat up and tried to get himself togeth
er. “How are you?”
“I’m okay, Jack. Did I wake you up?”
Jack looked at the clock and saw it was 11:50, still New Year’s Eve he assumed. Where had the last four hours gone?
“No, I was awake. Happy New Year,” he said out of habit before realizing how ridiculous it sounded. “How was your day?”
“It was good, Jack,” she fibbed. “We had a Memorial Service for Mom and then we went out to dinner. It was a nice service, and so many people came. I wish you could have been there.”
“I wish I could have too, honey,” he regretted missing the service although both of them knew he wasn’t welcome. “Your mother was an amazing woman and I miss her very much.”
“I know you do, Jack. I miss her, too,” her voice trailed off as Jack realized she was trying not to break their deal by crying.
“Delaney, it’s okay if you cry tonight,” he consoled her. “It’s only natural that you miss her and are a little sad tonight. Do you want to talk about her?”
“I do want to talk about her. I am so tired of not being able to talk about her as if talking about her is going to make us sad,” she surprised Jack with her sudden anger. “I don’t know why we can only talk about her on one night of the year in front of a hundred people. It just doesn’t make any sense.”
“I know honey, but your father is just trying to protect you and Bailey,” he replied. “I think things will change soon, you will see. Maybe the one year anniversary and the service will help, and he will realize that it is okay to remember her. Have you tried to talk to him about it.”
“I have, but he doesn’t want to listen,” she continued with her anger. “And, for a long time, I respected his wishes. I didn’t talk about her, I didn’t talk to you, it was as if she never existed. But, I am not going to do that anymore.”
“Take it easy, honey,” Jack tried to calm her down. “I think if you take it slowly with him, things will get better. Just try to be patient, Delaney.”
“I have been patient, Jack. I am tired of being patient, and I am not a little girl anymore. And, I am sick of Wendy trying to act like my mother. She is nothing like my mother and never will be. I wish that Dad would stop seeing her.”
Jack paused for a second to make sure she was finished. “Honey, Wendy will never be like your mother, no one will, but she is just trying to do her best to help. I know that both her and your father want what is best for you and Bailey. Do you understand?”
“I guess I do, Jack, but that doesn’t make it any better, and starting now, I am going to talk about Mom whenever I want and I am going to talk to you. The accident wasn’t your fault and Dad needs to stop blaming you. I also know that Mom would have wanted you to be in me and Bailey’s lives, and I am so sorry I haven’t seen you in the last year, but I was just doing what Dad wanted. I am not going to do that anymore.”
Jack could hear Delaney getting emotional again as she asserted her independence, and wasn’t sure what to say. So, he did what he thought was best and said exactly what he was thinking.
“Do you know how much you remind me of your mother?”
“Do you really think so, Jack?”
“You are exactly like her, and every time I talk to you, you remind me of her more and more,” Jack smiled.
“That is so nice,” she paused to gather her thoughts. “Sometimes, I start to forget what she was like, even what she looked like, and I never want that to happen. But then, I pull out my pictures and put in a video and I see her again, and I remember how beautiful she was and how much she loved me and Bailey.”
“She did love you and Bailey more than anything, and if either of you need to remember what your mother was like, you just need to look in the mirror. Her imprint is all over both of you, and she would be so proud to see how you and Bailey are growing up,” Jack paused as he remembered the way he felt seeing the the three of them together. “The two of you were always the first thing on her mind and I was always amazed at how connected the three of you were, it was almost as if you were a single unit.”
“Thanks, Jack. You know, she loved you too and I had never seen her as happy as she was during that last year. I am glad I was finally old enough to be able to talk to her about things, and she told me how she felt about you, how you made her feel, and what it feels like to be in love.”
“That means a lot to me,” Jack managed to hold back the tears.
“She really didn’t need to say anything. I could tell how much she loved you just by the way she looked at you and the way you looked at her.”
Jack didn’t want to cry, knowing that he was supposed to be the strong one, that he was supposed to be the adult. But, he knew that if he said anything, the tears were going to start.
“You still there, Jack?”
“I am here, Delaney,” he somehow managed to regain his composure. “I am glad you called tonight. To be honest with you, I wasn’t doing well and I am afraid that I broke our deal. But, your phone call helped, and I think we should both concentrate on doing our best to keep our deal in the new year.”
“I agree. But, I meant what I said about talking about her and about talking to you,” she replied with her mother’s stubbornness.
“That is fine, Delaney. But like I said, try to take it slowly with your father.”
“I will, Jack, I have to get going. Happy New Year.”
“Happy New Year to you also, honey. Give Bailey my love.”
“I will, talk to you soon. I love you.”
“I love you too, Delaney,” Jack replied as he watched the clock turn to midnight, the worst year of his life finally coming to end.
Chapter Five
The knocking on the door woke Amanda early on New Year’s Day, her plan to sleep in on her day off suddenly shelved. As she rolled over and saw 8:12 on her alarm clock, she couldn’t believe Mrs. Wilson had picked this morning to surprise her with her monthly coffee and donut visit.
“Just a second,” she hollered as she got out of bed and looked around for something to wear.
As she fumbled to tie her robe and opened the door to greet Mrs. Wilson, Amanda was immediately surprised to see two policemen in full uniform, but instinctively knew what they were going to say.
“Amanda Lee,” the heavier officer inquired.
“Yes,” she answered, the conversation fresh in her mind even though it was one she had never actually had.
“We regret to inform you that your mother, Donna Lee, passed away early this morning,” he said uncomfortably and waited for a reaction.
Amanda suddenly found herself absent from her body for a second, watching a movie she had seen many times in her mind. Realizing that this moment wasn’t a scene from a film, Amanda decided to follow the script anyway.
“I am sorry to hear that,” she replied calmly and without surprise. “Tell me what happened.”
“It appears to be an overdose,” the officer speculated, seemingly relieved at Amanda’s lack of reaction. “Someone dropped her off in front of the hospital, and although Doctors tried to revive her, it was too late.”
“What do you need me to do?”
“We need you to come down to Atlantic City General to identify the body. They will call you to set up an appointment, but if you have any questions, you can call this number,” the skinnier officer chimed in and handed her a card.
“I will do that. Thank you, officers, for letting me know,” she replied without emotion as she accepted the card and closed the door, her thoughts turning immediately to her mother.
* * *
Amanda’s mother, Donna, was born in Cape May, New Jersey, the only child of an upper middle class couple. Her father, Glen, served as the Superintendent of Schools for Cape May County, and met Donna’s mother, Marilyn, when, just out of college, she took a job as an Art Teacher at Ocean Elementary.
Their relationship created somewhat of a scandal in the small town, the Superintendent of Schools dating a beautiful Teacher, nearly twenty years his junior. But
soon, the talk died down when Glen and Marilyn married and Marilyn left her job at the school behind. After a year of marriage, she became pregnant, and nine months later, gave birth to a precious daughter, Donna.
Donna had an ideal childhood, the only child of a loving couple, well nurtured and educated, pretty and popular. She cruised through the school years, always looking forward to summers at the beach, and her parents overlooked her lack of discipline and tendency to get in trouble as a child, providing unconditional love and support while unwittingly enabling the behavior to continue.
High school brought more of the same. Lots of attention from boys, little attention to school work, plenty of keg parties on the beach, and an unplanned pregnancy that somehow Donna handled on her own, never mentioning it to her naive parents.
She managed to graduate in the middle of the pack, her good looks and charm earning her homecoming queen honors and passing grades. After High School, she attended Cape May Community College with her best friend, Charlene, a half-hearted attempt to appease her parents, to whom education was very important. But, college was never really in her plans, and she and Charlene took waitressing jobs to save money for their grand plan, a move to the bright lights of Atlantic City.
Atlantic City, New Jersey. Once the oceanside playground of the rich and famous, then a seaside ghost town revitalized by the legalization of gambling in the late seventies. By the early eighties, the city was in full swing, boosted by a recovering economy and the novelty of the over the top casinos, again a weekend getaway for the beautiful people.
Donna and Charlene finally made their move to the City when they turned twenty-one and became eligible to work at the casinos. They signed a lease on an apartment, got jobs cocktail waitressing at a casino, and started to party with all the right people and sleep with all the right men. They thought their time had finally arrived and that they would take over the town, but in reality, they were just chum in the water for the hungry, predatory sharks. Soon, they were all used up and the predators moved on to fresher bait, leaving the carcasses of Donna and Charlene for smaller fish to feed on.
Broken Man Page 4