Revenge of the Spellmans

by Lisa Lutz

  DR. RUSH: I’m not a fan of that word, “normal.”

  RAE: Me, neither.

  ISABEL: Quiet, car thief. No one asked you.

  ALBERT: I don’t see how we can accomplish anything in an hour.

  DR. RUSH: Yes, this might take more than one session.

  OLIVIA: I already need a disappearance.

  ALBERT: Me, too.

  DR. RUSH: Excuse me?

  EPILOGUE

  D r. Rush was right. The Spellmans needed more than an hour to untangle the web of deceit that we’d been weaving over the last decade. Some truths were uncovered that are not surprising but worth mentioning nonetheless: During the time after my sister’s dual PSAT scandals, my mom agreed to trim Rae’s punishment if she helped play matchmaker to David and Maggie. However, I can hardly blame my mother, considering my own role in uniting the couple. Since my first and last game of pool with the pastry-pocketing attorney, she and my brother have gone on six dates and show no signs of letting up. However, David is mute on the subject, so all of our information is secondhand.

  I moved back into Bernie’s place the following weekend, and I’m happy to report that I no longer take the bus for rest. Connor did the bulk of the move for me. That’s when he met my mother. She refers to him as the Irish thug and has looked into his green card status. (Mom has always had an irrational hatred of bartenders and dentists and bankers, since we’re on the subject.) The next week she withheld my paycheck until I signed a document (drafted by David) in which I promised not to marry Connor. Ever. I signed the document, took the check, and had David draft another document forbidding all Spellmans to practice any form of blackmail. David tried to explain to me that a contract in which you promise not to break the law is ultimately redundant, but I didn’t care.

  My sister finally managed to track down the file containing my newly minted employment contract. I can’t prove it, but I’m pretty sure, post-discovery, she keyed my car and then stuck a piece of chewed-up gum in the ignition. After that, she showed up at Henry’s house, looking for sympathy. Henry called me for a Rae extraction, but I let the message go to voice mail and never returned the call.

  Ernie phoned me after the dust had settled. Linda told him everything.

  “I sure didn’t see that coming,” Ernie said.

  “It was more complicated than we thought,” I replied.

  “And you figured it out,” Ernie said, sounding unduly impressed.

  “I guess so.”

  “You’re a natural-born detective, Izzy.”

  “Why, thank you.”

  And that was the last I ever heard from Ernie. I’m going to imagine that he and Linda lived happily ever after.

  Morty sends me postcards from Florida. He’s found a deli by his house. The pastrami is out of this world. He played shuffleboard once and he’s pretty good, so he might play again. He told me he looks terrible in shorts, but he wears them anyway. Sometimes he takes a dip in the pool.

  My father and I continue to have lunch. Dad asks the hard questions: “What do you want out of life?” I ask the soft ones: “Were your eyebrows always like that?”

  Some things change and others remain exactly the same.

  APPENDIX

  Dossiers

  Albert Spellman

  Age: 64

  Occupation: Private investigator

  Physical characteristics: Six foot three, large (used to be larger, but doctor put him on a diet), oafish, mismatched features, thinning brown/gray hair, gives off the general air of a slob, but the kind that showers regularly.

  History: One-time SFPD forced into early retirement by a back injury. Went to work for another retired cop turned private investigator, Jimmy O’Malley. Met his future wife, Olivia Montgomery, while on the job. Bought the PI business from O’Malley and has kept it in the family for the last thirty-five years.

  Bad habits: Has lengthy conversations with the television; lunch.

  Olivia Spellman

  Age: 56

  Occupation: Private investigator

  Physical characteristics: Extremely petite, appears young for her age, quite attractive, shoulder-length auburn hair (from a bottle), well groomed.

  History: Met her husband while performing an amateur surveillance on her future brother-in-law (who ended up not being her future brother-in-law). Started Spellman Investigations with her husband. Excels at pretext calls and other friendly forms of deceit.

  Bad habits: Willing to break laws to meddle in children’s lives; likes to record other people’s conversations.

  Rae Spellman

  Age: 161/2

  Occupation: Junior in high school/assistant private investigator

  Physical characteristics: Petite like her mother, appears a few years younger than her age; long, unkempt sandy blond hair, freckles, tends to wear sneakers so she can always make a run for it.

  History: Blackmail, coercion, junk food obsession, bribery.

  Bad habits: Too many to list.

  David Spellman

  Age: 34

  Occupation: Lawyer

  Physical characteristics: Tall, dark, and handsome.

  History: Honors student, class valedictorian, Berkeley undergrad, Stanford Law. You know the sort.

  Bad habits: Makes his bed every morning, excessively fashionable, wears pricey cologne, drinks moderately, reads a lot, keeps up on current events, exercises.

  Henry Stone

  Age: 45

  Occupation: San Francisco Police Inspector

  History: Was the detective on the Rae Spellman missing-person case three years ago. Before that, I guess he went to the police academy, passed some test, married some annoying woman, and did a lot of tidying up.

  Bad habits: Doesn’t eat candy; keeps a clean home.

  Mort Schilling

  Age: 84

  Occupation: Semiretired defense attorney

  Physical characteristics: Short with scrawny legs and small gut, enormous Coke-bottle glasses, not much hair.

  History: Worked as a defense attorney for forty years. Married to Ruth for almost sixty years.

  Bad habits: Sucks his teeth; talks too loud; stubborn.

  Bernie Peterson

  Age: Old

  Occupation: Drinking, gambling, smoking cigars, annoying sublet tenants

  Physical characteristics: A giant mass of a human (sorry, I try not to look too closely).

  History: Was a cop in San Francisco, retired, married an ex-showgirl, moved to Las Vegas, moved back to San Francisco when she cheated on him, reconciled with her, moved back to Las Vegas.

  Bad habits: Imagine every bad habit you’ve ever recognized. Bernie probably has them all.

  And, for the hell of it, I’ll do me:

  Isabel Spellman

  Age: 31

  Occupation: Private investigator/sometime bartender

  Physical characteristics: Tall; not skinny, not fat; long brown hair; nose; lips; eyes; ears. All the usual features. Fingers, legs, that sort of thing. I look okay, le
t’s leave it at that.

  History: Recovering delinquent; been working for Spellman Investigations since the age of twelve.

  Bad habits: None that I can recall.

  Surefire Ways to Kill Time in Therapy

  Start with small talk. Mention the weather or traffic, or comment on the office décor.

  Think long and hard before you answer any questions. Make sure you look pensive during the silence.

  Ask therapist personal questions.

  “I see you’re reading [insert name of random book on bookshelf]. How is it? Is it good?”

  Arrange for someone else to knock on the door and then make a run for it. (Never tried it myself, but I’m sure it would work.)

  Transcript of Petra’s Visit to Harkey’s Office

  PETRA: Thank you for agreeing to meet with me.

  HARKEY: It’s part of the job.

  PETRA: I assume you’ve had your office debugged.

  HARKEY: Of course.

  PETRA: Today?

  HARKEY: I personally debug my office every morning. 1

  PETRA: You can never be too careful.

  HARKEY: I agree.

  PETRA: I like to debug twice a day, but I understand that you have a busy schedule.

  HARKEY: What can I do for you, Ms. Shvelde—

  PETRA: Call me Agatha.

  HARKEY: Agatha?

  PETRA: Yes.

  HARKEY: You don’t look like an Agatha.

  PETRA: That’s because I’m not one. I just want to be called that to throw them off the scent.

  HARKEY: I see. What exactly can I do for you, um, Agatha?

  PETRA: I’d like you to find my husband.

  HARKEY: When did you see him last?

  PETRA: About a year ago.

  HARKEY: Have you contacted the police?

  PETRA: They can’t help me.

  HARKEY: Do you suspect foul play?

  PETRA: Oh yes.

  HARKEY: What do you think happened to your husband?

  PETRA: He was taken by them .

  HARKEY: Who?

  PETRA: You know.

  HARKEY: I’m afraid I don’t.

  PETRA: [mumbling] The aliens.

  HARKEY: What kind of aliens?

  PETRA: I’m afraid I don’t have enough knowledge about extraterrestrial life forms to narrow them down to a particular species or culture. Frankly, I don’t know how they think of themselves. I know you debugged the office, but in case they’re listening, I don’t want to offend any of them by using a derogatory term.

  [Long, long pause.]

  HARKEY: So, you’re talking about aliens from outer space, right?

  PETRA: What other kind of alien is there?

  HARKEY: Illegal aliens.

  PETRA: Why would someone from another country want my husband? That doesn’t make any sense. He doesn’t have any special skills.

  HARKEY: So you believe your husband was abducted by aliens.

  PETRA: You’re kind of slow for a PI. Are you sure you found your calling?

  HARKEY: I’ve handled my share of alien abductions, but I have to be honest, it’s an expensive operation. It requires special equipment and I can only assign this work to my seasoned investigators.

  PETRA: How much money are we talking about?

  HARKEY: Around five hundred dollars a day.

  PETRA: Would you take fifty?

  HARKEY: Fifty dollars?

  PETRA: Yes.

  HARKEY: A day or an hour?

  PETRA: It’s just a little alien abduction case.

  HARKEY: I’m afraid I can’t help you.

  PETRA: I’m so sorry to hear that. Do you validate?

  Theories on Why David Got Fired (Hypothetically Speaking)

  Interoffice romance

  Money laundering

  Abusing Free-Bagel Friday

  Not showing up at all

  Too much swooning by the support staff

  A Brief Explanation of the Spellmans’ Misuse of the Word “Disappearance”

  A few years ago, Rae vanished herself in a misguided attempt to reunite the family. She was fourteen at the time and her absence seemed unlikely to have anything but a tragic outcome. Needless to say, it took the family some time to recover from the incident. Rae, in an attempt to rewrite history, would refer to that time as her “vacation.” My parents, in retaliation, swapped the word “disappearance” for “vacation” so that Rae wouldn’t forget.

  Regrettable Meals à la Rae

  Chef Boyardee on Toast (canned ravioli on white bread)

  Tater Tots Casserole (tater tots, Velveeta, and hamburger meat)

  Peanut Butter/Pop Tart Sandwich (exactly what it sounds like)

  Chili in the Bag 2 (canned chili poured into a Fritos bag)

  Marshmallow Surprise (marshmallow fluff and Nutella on Wonder Bread)

  “Fruit” Salad (fruit cocktail and vanilla pudding served in an ice cream cone)

  Magic Punch Recipe

  1 part vodka

  2 parts limeade

  1 part sparkling water

  4 packets LifeSavers 3

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  A s usual, I am very grateful to everyone at Simon & Schuster for their continued support of the Spellman books. I must first thank my brilliant, funny, and patient editrix, Marysue Rucci. A massive thank-you to Carolyn Reidy. David Rosenthal, thanks for not heckling me at my reading. I would also thank you for dinner, but Marysue paid, yet again. Also at S&S, Aileen Boyle, Deb Darrock, Michael Selleck, Victoria Meyer, Leah Wasielewski, Jackie Seow, and Dana Sloan. You all have been way too good to me. Thanks to my hardworking publicists, Kelly Welsh and Nicole De Jackmo; my genius production editor, Jonathan Evans; and Marysue’s new and fabulous assistant, Sophie Epstein. If I have forgotten anyone, please forgive me. These acknowledgment pages are due today (well, last week) and I’m writing in a rush.

  Equally important is my incredible agent, Stephanie Kip Rostan. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I am also extremely fortunate to have the wonderful people at the Levine Greenberg Literary Agency on my side: Daniel Greenberg, Jim Levine, Elizabeth Fisher, Melissa Rowland, Monika Verma, Miek Coccia (still pronounced “Mike”), Sasha Raskin, and Lindsay Edgecom
be. Thank you.

  I would also like to thank all the booksellers I’ve met on the road for their hospitality and generosity, and to apologize if I happened to have stolen one of their pens. Please know that it was probably the only thing I stole. I would also like to thank the media escorts who took care of me when I was sleep-deprived, cranky, and suffering from a particularly unattractive head cold.

  Since I’m talking about being on the road, I’d like to thank all the actors who helped me with my readings and all the regulars who show up again and again, even though no one is paying them. I’d especially like to mention the Rucci clan, who once again came out to show their support—Debbie and Joe Rucci, and, of course, my actor Ted (if I can book you now for next year, that would be great!). Virginia “Ginny” Smith, thanks again. A giant thanks to my San Francisco regular, Steve Kim. You never let me down. Also, Anastasia Fuller, Eric Etebari, Dave and Cyndi Klane, Hayley Dox, Craig Fox, and [insert your name here if I’ve forgotten you].

  Now let me thank my family. Okay, I’d say stop reading here if you don’t know me. Seriously:

  My mother, Sharlene Lauretz, thanks for all the support and free book promotion you’ve done on my behalf. Also, thanks to my mom and my aunt Beverly Fienberg for that terrific party you threw. I’ve decided not to thank uncle Mark Fienberg. 1 (Should a very tall CPA in Beverly Hills ever ask you to house-sit for a chocolate lab and a golden retriever, named Bebe and Xena, respectively, under no circumstances should you say yes.)

  More family to thank: Anastasia Fuller (again) and Jay Fienberg for their fabulous work on my website, 2 reading early drafts (in Hawaii, no less), and offering expert advice on brutal computer geeks (thanks, Jay). I depend on you both for way too much. Dan Fienberg, my cousin and my financial advisor, 3 thank you. According to the terms of the deal, I mention him in the acknowledgments if he reads my book before the next one is finished. 4 Once again, thanks to Uncle Jeff and Aunt Eve Golden—these books would never have existed without your generosity.