Zaimokuza's pronouncement was second place on the list of things every man wanted to say some day. The sight of him giving me a thumbs up with such a self-assured expression was annoying as hell…
“I really do have plans…”
I could literally feel an angry vein throbbing in my head, and I prepared to subdue Zaimokuza with words. But then…
“Hikigaya-kun!”
As those energetic soprano words reached me, I felt Totsuka jump into my arms.
“Great timing. Let’s go together?”
“Y-yeah, sure…”
Totsuka was wearing his racquet bag on his left shoulder, and, for some reason, his right hand had grabbed my left. What the hell…
“H-Hachiman… W-who is this…?”
Zaimokuza looked back and forth between me and Totsuka with shocked eyes. And then his facial expression gradually changed into something somehow vaguely familiar… Ah, right, was it Kabuki? I could almost hear the Iyooo~~~ pon pon pon Kabuki sound effects[1] as Zaimokuza’s eyes widened and he struck a strange pose.
“Y-you bastard! You’ve betrayed me!”
“What the hell do you mean ‘betray’…”
“Shut up! You half-assed playboy! You failure of a pretty boy! I was taking pity on you because you were a loner, but I see that made you all cocky!”
“’Half-assed’? ‘Failure’? That's going too far…”
I was a loner though, so I couldn’t deny that last bit.
Zaimokuza, still glaring at me with demonic eyes, groaned.
“I definitely won’t forgive you…”
“Hey, calm down, Zaimokuza. Totsuka isn’t a girl. He’s a guy… Probably.”
“D-d… D-don’t screw with me! Someone that cute can’t possibly be a guy!”
I didn’t sound very confident, and Zaimokuza shouted his response back at me.
“No, Totsuka is definitely a cute guy.”
“That’s… being called cute… it’s a bit…”
Totsuka, still standing next to me, was blushing and averting his eyes.
“Umm… Is he Hikigaya-kun’s friend?”
“That’s a good question…”
“Hmph… There’s no way I'd consider the likes of him a ‘friend.’”[2]
Zaimokuza was definitely sulking. Uwahh, this guy is a pain to deal with…
But it’s not like I didn’t get where he was coming from. It was natural to feel a little sad and betrayed if you found out that a guy you thought you could sympathize with, and then he turned out to be someone with a completely different set of values.
What could I say in this kind of situation to restore our relationship? Unfortunately, given my low number of experience points in this area, I really didn’t know.
I felt a bit blue about this situation. I'd thought that Zaimokuza and I could, someday, get to a point that we could understand each other and laugh together…
But it seemed that such a thing was be impossible.
Checking on someone, trying to make people feel better, making sure you never fell out of touch, sympathizing with them, and then, by those means, finally getting closer to someone… That kind of “friendship” wasn’t friendship at all. If such annoying things were what people called “youth,” then I was completely fine without it.
Hanging out in these stagnant groups, always acting like you were having fun, was nothing short of self-gratification. That self-gratification was nothing short of self-deceit. What a despicable vice.
…I mean, look at this situation; dealing with Zaimokuza's jealousy was insanely annoying.
Once I had internally verified the rectitude of my own set of values, I pledged myself to the path of the loner.
“Totsuka, let’s go.”
I pulled Totsuka by the arm. “Ah, okay…” He responded, but he didn’t move.
“Zaimokuza-kun… Was it?”
Zaimokuza seemed at a bit of a loss, but finally gave a nod.
“If you’re Hikigaya-kun’s friend, then maybe we could… be friends too? That would… make me happy. I don’t have many guy friends…”
Totsuka said that and gave a shy smile.
“Fu… ku, ku ku ku ku. Indeed, Hachiman and I are close friends… No, we are comrades… No no no, I am the master and he is the slave… Well, when you put it like that, then I suppose I have no choice. I will… ummm… grace you with my friendship. We could even be lovers.”
“Uhh, I don’t think that’s… a good idea. Let’s just stick with friendship.”
“Hm, I see… Hey, Hachiman. You think this one here likes me? Does that mean I’m getting popular now? It does, right?”
Zaimokuza quickly drew close to me and whispered into my ear.
… As I thought: someone like Zaimokuza is no friend of mine.
Someone who would do a complete one-eighty if they thought they could get close to a pretty girl was no friend of mine.
“…Totsuka, let’s go… If we’re late, then Yukinoshita’s going to explode.”
“Hm, that wouldn’t be good at all… Then let us hasten forth. That one is… seriously scary, after all.”
Zaimokuza began to follow me and Totsuka. It seemed that he had decided to join the party… After all, if we lined up like this and walked down the hall, anyone watching from the side would think that we came right out of Dragon Quest. Or, maybe… Not Dragon Quest, but something like King Bomby from the Momotetsu series…[3]
6-7
By the time we got to the tennis courts, Yukinoshita and Yuigahama were already there.
Yukinoshita was still wearing her uniform, but Yuigahama had changed into her jersey.
They had probably decided to eat lunch there. When they saw us, they both quickly cleared their incredibly small bento boxes.
“Well then, let’s begin.”
“I-I look forward to working with you.”
Totsuka faced Yukinoshita and gave her a small bow.
“First, we have to build up the muscle strength that Totsuka-kun is fatally lacking. Biceps, deltoids, pectorals, abdominal muscles, obliques, dorsal muscles, femoral muscles--we’ll all do pushups and build everything up… To start, please work until you’re ready to die.”
“Uwaah, Yukinon seems really smart… Wait, ready to die?”
“Yes. The more you damage the muscles, the more they try to repair themselves, but each time they do, the muscular fibers grow stronger. This is what they call ‘supercompensation.’ In other words, if you work yourself to the brink of death, then you’ll be able to power up all in one go.”
“The hell, we’re not Saiyans or something…”
“Well, you won't really be able to build muscle immediately this way, but it should also increase the speed of your basal metabolism.”
“Basal metabolism?”
I could almost see the question mark above Yuigahama’s head. Did she seriously not even know that much…? Yukinoshita seemed a bit stunned. She seemed to decide that it was better to just explain things than to pass blame around, though, so she explained it briefly.
“In short, it’s a way to make your body more fit for exercise. If your basal metabolism rate increases, then it becomes easier for you to use calories. In other words, it increases your body’s energy conversion efficiency.”
Yuigahama nodded at that explanation. Then her eyes suddenly sparkled.
“Easier to use calories… So we’d lose weight?”
“…I suppose so. You’ll be able to use calories more easily, even when you're just breathing or digesting, so you’ll get thinner without any special effort.”
Yukinoshita’s words strengthened the sparkles in Yuigahama’s eyes… For some reason, it almost seemed as if Yuigahama was now filled with even more motivation than Totsuka. Yuigahama’s new motivation also seemed to trigger something in Totsuka, who clenched his fists tight.
“L-let’s try it out then.”
“I-I’m gonna start too!”
Totsuka and Yuigahama lay down on
their bellies and slowly began to do pushups.
“Nngh… Khh, fuu, hah…”
“Ooo, khh… Nnngh, hahh, hahh, nngh!”
I heard pained, labored breathing. Their faces were warped with anguish, they both broke out into a light sweat, and their cheeks were flushed. Perhaps Totsuka’s slender arms made it especially hard for him, but he occasionally sent me pleading looks. When he looked up at me like that, from that position… I dunno… It made me feel kind of strange.
Each time Yuigahama’s arms bent, I caught a glimpse of the sparkling skin beyond her gym uniform’s collar. Not good… I can’t look at that straight on.
My pulse began to race faster and faster, to the point where you could say I was experiencing arrhythmia.
“Hachiman… What is this? For some reason, I feel completely at peace…”
“What a coincidence. I feel the same way.”
As we exchanged glances and smiled, a cool voice from behind me made me feel as if I was suddenly doused with cold water.
“…How about you two exercise as well to get your minds out of the gutter?”
When I turned around, I saw Yukinoshita standing there, looking at me with a truly scornful expression. Minds out of the gutter… Did she find us out…?
“H-hm. The warrior’s code demands that one never fall behind on training. I suppose I shall join in as well!”
“Y-yeah. Being out of shape is scary… You could get diabetes, or gout, or cirrhosis or something!”
We both dropped to the floor with alarming vigor and began to do pushups. As I exercised, Yukinoshita circled around to my front.
“When you do that, it almost looks like some new way of kowtowing…”
Yukinoshita chuckled.
That bastard… What did she just say? Even a peace-loving person like myself might feel something awaken inside, after something that rage-inducing. Heh… Awaken what, exactly? If anything awoke, at most it'd be a new feeling of moe towards pushups…
…What in the world were we all doing?
Do you know the phrase “enough specks of dust can make a mountain”? Or maybe “three heads are better than one.” In other words, when people gather together, they become even stronger and more secure.
However, we were a group of failures who had gathered together to do pointless things.
In the end, we spent the entire lunch break doing pushups, and I spent the entire night writhing in pain from sore muscles.
Chapter 7 - Occasionally, the gods of romantic comedy can be kind
And so, as the days continued, we were soon thrust into phase two of our tennis training.
That might have been a bit too dramatic. In other words, we had finished our basic training, and were finally practicing with actual equipment.
Though, when I said “we,” I really meant “Totsuka.” He was the only one who had to spend all his time rallying against the wall, as per the instructions of the demonic instructor Yukinoshita.
Well, it’s not like we could actually keep up with a tennis team member, so it was just free time for us.
Yukinoshita just sat and read books under the shade of a nearby tree, but once in a while, when she seemed to remember that Totsuka was there, she would go over to check on him and issue further commands.
Initially, Yuigahama had joined Totsuka’s practices, but she grew bored of it quickly and now spent most of her time napping next to Yukinoshita. She was like a dog someone had brought to the park, once it got tired and plopped down next to one of the park's watering holes.
And in true Zaimokuza fashion, he was earnestly working on developing his secret ultimate magic shot technique. Hey, stop throwing acorns, dammit… And stop digging up the clay court with your racquet.
In the end, there was no use in gathering this many useless people in one place.
And me, you ask?
I was lazing around in one corner of the court observing ants. It was super fun.
No, seriously, it was really fun.
I don’t know what those small things were thinking as they moved around so restlessly, but they were clearly just going on with their busy lives. I guess it made me feel like I was looking down at the street from some high-rise office in Tokyo.
Those two images, of ants and of black-suited salarymen both scurrying about, overlapped in my head.
Would I someday also become one of those black specks? Would someone else would see me from that same Tokyo high-rise? What would be on my mind at that time?
It’s not like I hated the idea of being a salaryman… Hell, a part of me even wanted to become one. That was second place on my list of things I wanted to be, right after “full-time house husband.” Number three on that list was “fire engine.” Wait, what the hell, I wanted to become a car…?
I was, naturally, well aware that there were also bad points to salaryman work. I was always amazed when I saw my dad come home with this exhausted-with-life expression on his face. I admired the way he went to work every day, even if he was unhappy.
So I suddenly projected the image of my dad onto one of those ants and began to cheer for him in my heart.
Do your best, Dad; don’t give up, Dad; don’t lose your hair, Dad.
I dreamed of my own future, and then began to worry about the future of my hair.
My prayers might have gotten through, because that ant began to walk back towards the anthill where he belonged. I’m sure the warmth of his family was waiting for him there.
I’m glad.
I was overcome with emotion, sniffling and wiping away a tear.
It was at that moment--
Whoosh!
“Daaaaad~~!!!”
There was no trace of that ant left; it and the incoming ball flew off to some far-off corner of the court.
I glared with furious eyes at the source of that ball.
“Hm, so you whip up a dust cloud to confuse your opponent and then take that opportunity to slam the ball at them… It seems my magic shot has been perfected, does it not? The earth of illusions brings forth a bountiful crop, ‘Blasting Sand Rock’!”
Zaimokuza, so it was you… What did you do to my dad (the ant version)…? Well, whatever; it was just an ant. I clapped my hands together and offered a light prayer.
Meanwhile, it seemed that Zaimokuza was immersed in the feeling of having perfected his new technique; he spun his racquet around and around before setting it on his shoulder and striking a pose. It was as if he had just gained a few experience points.d
Well, whatever--whatever to Zaimokuza, whatever to that ant.
…Maybe I should kill some time by watching whatever that cute Totsuka was doing.
When I looked ahead, I saw that Yuigahama had woken up at some point. Yukinoshita had ordered her to laboriously carry around a ball cart.
She would take balls from the cart and hurl them at Totsuka, and then Totsuka would try his utmost to get to those balls.
“Yuigahama-san, please try to throw the balls in tougher locations, like over there or there… This practice is meaningless otherwise.”
Yukinoshita was calm and collected; Totsuka, on the other hand, was breathing heavily as he chased after balls at the line and then at the net.
Yukinoshita was serious… and seriously crazy.
…No, she was just seriously trying to train Totsuka. Stop looking at me, dammit… That’s scary. How is it that you can read my mind…?
Yuigahama’s aim was completely random (to say nothing of her form), and every ball she threw went off in some completely unpredictable direction.
Totsuka would run and try to catch up to the balls, but, sometime around the twentieth ball, he finally fell to the ground.
“Uwah, Saichan! Are you okay?!”
Yuigahama stopped throwing and ran to the net. Totsuka rubbed his grazed knees, but he smiled through his tear-filled eyes and tried to assert that he was fine. What a brave fellow…
“I’m fine, so let’s keep going.”
However, Yukinoshita scowled once she heard that.
“You… still want to keep going?”
“Yeah… Everyone’s helping me, so I want to put a bit more effort in.”
Yahari Ore no Seishun Rabu Kome wa Machigatteiru - Volume 01 Page 18