Bet Me Something (Something Series Book 3)

by Aubrey Bondurant

  I interrupted him. “This isn’t only on you, Brian. No matter what happens, what it comes down to is Colby has to get beyond his insecurities over his past, or it’ll never work. If he loved me enough, he’d be unapologetic about it, no matter what you thought. Although asking him to be secure when I’m not isn’t exactly fair.”

  “There was no insecurity in the way you defended him earlier.”

  “Considering I remain unable to stand up to Mom or get up the nerve to face my fears over my future, I have a ways to go with doing it for myself.”

  Colby and I were both relegated to these roles that we no longer wished to be in, wanting to break out, but not being brave enough to do so.

  “Tell me what I can do.”

  “Same thing you’ve always done. Love me no matter what. Oh, and never, ever side with something Mom said about me again. ‘Kay?”

  ***

  Although Brian had offered to see me to the airport, the only person I allowed to accompany me was Mark. I’d eventually get completely past this with my brother, but right now I needed some space from what had happened this morning and some unbiased advice.

  “What are you going to do once you return to Los Angeles?” Mark asked.

  “Aside from trying not to become a stalking ex-girlfriend, I’m not sure, which probably doesn’t bode well if I’ll have that kind of time on my hands.”

  He chuckled before turning serious. “You may have others fooled with your sarcasm, but I know you’re hurting, Kenzie.”

  I fought the tears, having one slip down in spite of my best effort. “See what you did?” I teased. “Self-deprecation and sarcasm are traits much preferable to breaking down completely.”

  “You love him, so it’s understandable.” He took my hand and squeezed. “Josh flying out to talk to him may help.”

  “Maybe, but what if it doesn’t?”

  “Then you focus on yourself. Stay busy and make plans. Go after what you want as boldly as you confronted Josh and Brian. You were fearless today, so start adopting that approach for yourself.”

  Hadn’t Colby used that same word to describe me on the lacrosse field? Mark was right. I needed to start standing up for myself as confidently as I had for Colby earlier today.

  “Thank you. By the way, I didn’t mean to lump you into the whole thing about having a history you wouldn’t want aired when I was talking to Josh and Brian. After all, we both know you’re Superman.”

  He chuckled because when I’d met him at seven years old, it’s the first thing I’d told him: that he looked like Clark Kent. “Believe me when I say I’m no superhero. Everyone has regrets and things we wish we’d done differently. I’m no exception.”

  ***

  By the time I arrived home, I had a plan. The first order of business when I stepped inside my apartment was to call the man from the record label and find out when the audition was scheduled for. Next, I drove down to the Home Depot to get boxes and tape. It was time to start packing.

  As I finished up boxing the contents of my kitchen, as well as other items I wouldn’t need for the next few days, a text from Colby came in. It got my hopes up immediately.

  “We need to talk. Come outside when you’re ready.”

  I peered out between my blinds and saw him leaning against his car in the parking lot below my window. It wasn’t a good sign, however that he didn’t want to have this discussion behind closed doors.

  Not only did I make him wait, I changed into my running gear before heading downstairs. Doing so served two purposes. One: I figured after this conversation I’d need the physical exertion, and two: my running shorts were an admitted turn-on for him. Since I was a girl who unequivocally wanted him to realize what he was giving up, I wasn’t above using everything in my arsenal.

  Watching while his eyes roamed over me from head to toe, I experienced a moment of empowerment—only to have it crash down with his first sentence.

  “Why the hell would you go behind my back and talk to my brother about something that happened three years ago?”

  I quirked a brow. Pent-up frustration boiled up at the fact that, after breaking my heart, he’d have the nerve to be angry with me right now. “Behind your back implies that I’d hoped to keep it a secret. If you’d been there, I would’ve said the same thing in front of you, but you left, and I said my piece.”

  “So you guilted Josh enough that he traveled here in order to apologize to me?”

  “I didn’t guilt anyone. I told the truth and explained what you wouldn’t.”

  “What the hell did you say to them?”

  “Why don’t you start by telling me what they said to you first? Before I came into the room.”

  His jaw clenched with irritation at my deflection. “I don’t need you defending me.”

  Exasperation reached its tipping point. “Did you ever think it wasn’t only about you?” Because all of a sudden, it dawned on me that it hadn’t been. “You may have been content to have them think that you took advantage of Brian’s little sister or that you’re the bad guy here, but I’m definitely not comfortable with those assumptions. I deserved, and yes, I’m using that dreaded word, for them to know there was something real between us. That what we had meant something. Contrary to the belief that my one-time crush blinded me, I’m not some sort of victim of your charms. This was more than a fling. And if you weren’t going to explain that to them, then I was.”

  He stood there saying nothing.

  “And by the way, if you think for a second I’m the girl who’s basing all her decisions on you, then you aren’t giving me enough credit.”

  “I wasn’t the one who said it, Brian was.”

  “He was lashing out, clearly not thinking rationally and you believed him.”

  “You deserve more than I can give you Kenz.”

  “You’re right I do.”

  Hurt flashed in his eyes making me quick to clarify.

  “I deserve to have someone who’ll fight for me.”

  “Yeah, well you saw how great of a job I did with that.”

  I shook my head. “I didn’t mean in Vegas, I mean right now. There you had a knee-jerk reaction to your kryptonite which isn’t unlike what I’ve done in the past with my mother. The point I’m making is if you really wanted to be with me, you’d figure out your shit and find a way.”

  “You think this is easy. I’m trying to do the right thing, despite how I feel.”

  “No one asked you to play the martyr.” It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him he was scared, but what kind of person would I be to call the kettle black while I was the damn pot. “I don’t have any regrets about being with you, Colby—even now with my heart breaking. Because the fact that it hurts this much is a testament to how good and how real it was at some point. At least it was for me.”

  “It was for me too.” He scrubbed a hand over his face in frustration as if he was having an internal struggle with what to say next. Looking resigned he settled on, “I’m sorry, Kenz.”

  I wasn’t sure if he was apologizing for tonight or in general, yet I realized it didn’t matter if that was all he had to say to me. If he didn’t believe he was worthy of my love, or trust that he was capable of a long-term relationship, then how would I ever convince him otherwise? He made no move towards me, and I knew I couldn’t be the one to do it this time.

  “I’m gonna go before I violate ex-girlfriend etiquette and throw myself at you.” I leaned up on my tiptoes and pressed a kiss to his cheek, watching his eyes close when I pulled back. “Take care, Colby.”

  Since I couldn’t stand not to touch him another minute, I put my earbuds in and took off jogging, tears flowing down my face. The burn in my muscles and twinge in my ankle were nothing compared to the acute pain in my heart.

  By the time I returned to my apartment, he was long gone, and I’d exhausted myself enough that I fell into bed without the energy to cry any more tears.

  I was more determined than ever to continue wit
h Operation Do Me tomorrow, with the first order of business to change the unfortunate name of said operation.

  CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

  One week and two days post-Colby, and I was still finding it difficult to resist calling him just to hear his voice. I missed him terribly. But Mark was right; it helped to remain busy and make plans. I saw it as a challenge for myself. How the hell could I ever expect for the man I love to deal with his insecurities if I didn’t meet mine head on?

  Smiling at my brother, who had finished loading the last of my boxes into my newly rented storage unit, I felt as though I was finally taking charge of my future with this first step.

  “Come on, let’s return the truck and get lunch. I’m starving,” Brian said, climbing into the driver’s side of the U-Haul.

  Across the table at the restaurant, I could feel my brother’s eyes on me. He’d been like that since arriving last night, studying me, waiting for me to bring up the very subject that I’d avoided anytime I’d talked to him or anyone else over the last few days.

  “Spit it out, Brian. You’re sitting there watching me as though I’m some sort of lab rat who may have a mental breakdown at any moment. It’s kind of disconcerting.”

  He chuckled, leaning back in his chair. “I went to see Colby yesterday, before I came over. We went out for a beer and talked.”

  Brian had insisted on flying in to help me move out of my apartment, and I’d wondered if he might take the opportunity to speak with Colby. “That’s nice.” I tried to keep my tone light to avoid revealing how desperate I was for information.

  “Come on, Kenzie, you can act cool and unaffected with everyone else, but please don’t do it with me.”

  I leaned forward, putting my elbows on the table like an insolent teenager. “Fine. How did it go?”

  “He didn’t want my apology, but I gave it to him anyhow. Not only for my reaction in Vegas, but for underestimating him. I think in the end he started to believe me.”

  “Good.” I was happy that my brother had apologized and they were getting along. The last thing I wanted was a permanent rift between them. It was on the tip of my tongue to ask if he’d inquired about me, yet I refrained. Barely.

  “And since you won’t ask, I’ll tell you: he looks like shit and asked how you were doing. Christ, he lit up like a Christmas tree when I told him your audition was tomorrow. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. But now that I do, I realize that he’s always gone out of his way to treat you differently than any other woman. I guess I assumed it was because you were my baby sister, but now I appreciate it’s because you two had this connection all along.”

  Hearing that statement, realizing all of it was in the past tense, stole my breath for a moment. Whoever said a broken heart didn’t physically hurt clearly hadn’t been in love because my chest felt like it had a thousand pound weight on it.

  “You didn’t tell him anything else, did you?” It might sound selfish, but the last thing I wanted was for Colby to get a fix about what was happening in my life—especially if he wasn’t participating in it. If I had to go on a strict no-Colby diet, then he had to do the same with me.

  Brian shook his head. “Nope. If he wants to know more, he can call you. And I hate to bring this up, but at the very least, you two need to figure out what you’re doing about the baptism this weekend.”

  Right. The baptism of Josh and Haylee’s baby girl back home in Virginia. Regardless, I was flying in to deal with my own shit. But I wondered how Colby felt about the prospect of me being part of his niece’s special day, considering we hadn’t spoken in over a week.

  Of course we’d made this bed, understanding if it didn’t work out we’d have to deal with the repercussions of future family and friend events. So now we’d have to figure out how to lie in it. Great. Now I had an image of lying in bed with Colby.

  “Maybe you could go talk with him?” Brian offered. “It’s pretty clear the man is beyond miserable.”

  I played with the straw in my water glass. “I can’t be the one that does that this time. And before you ask, it’s not a pride thing as much as a self-preservation thing. He knows how I feel about him. Hell, he’s always known and for once, he has to be the one to step up. I need to feel like I’m worth the effort. Most of all, he has to figure out how to reconcile his past and leave it there. I can’t do that for him.”

  He nodded, looking proud of my stance. “I can only hope my apology may have helped. I’m guessing the big talk with Mom is this week, too?”

  “On Thursday.”

  “Jesus. Audition tomorrow, talk with Mom the next day, and seeing Colby this Sunday. Rough week.”

  “Yep. I’m calling it my own personal Fear Factor or maybe it could be dubbed Survivor.”

  “Do you want me to go with you to talk to Mom?”

  “No, but thanks for offering. I’m honestly less anxious and more resigned to getting it over with. It won’t go well; but, it’ll be okay when it doesn’t.”

  “So if this audition turns out, what would that mean?”

  Now it was time to tell Brian the newest addition to my plan. “They said it would be weeks until they make a final decision, so in the meantime I’m traveling to Bali on that volunteer trip. Mark checked it out, and it’s legitimate.”

  Both his brows lifted in surprise. He seemed to wrestle with his response, measuring his words carefully. “I feel like my comments in Vegas about you putting off plans for Colby may have pushed you into this.”

  “I prefer to think that, with or without him, I’d be doing this eventually, although going now gives me a means to get away from it all, if you know what I mean.”

  “I do. When do you leave, and how long will you be gone?”

  “I’ll leave Sunday night from Virginia. I’ll start off with three weeks to see if I enjoy it and can always extend if I want to. It’s given me something to look forward to.”

  “If the audition doesn’t turn out, will you still return to Los Angeles?”

  That was one thing I knew for certain. California was staying in my life regardless of anyone else. “Yes. This is home for me here. I wouldn’t be opposed to moving to San Diego or another city; however, I love Southern California, so I’m remaining out here. It may have taken four years and the threat of having to move home to realize it, but this is where I’ve found my voice. My free spirit can live my life the way I want to and, in the meantime, do it with a healthy dose of vitamin D all year round.”

  “Can’t argue about the weather. Where will you live?”

  “I’m not sure. I’m staying with friends at their house the next couple of nights, and that could be an option when I get back.”

  His eyes softened, and he smiled at me. “I’m proud of you.”

  “For what? I’ve yet to accomplish anything, with the exception of moving out of my apartment, and that was with your help.”

  He shook his head. “Kenzie, you’re all grown up and figuring it out on your terms. You’re not driven by pressure to have the right job or make enough money. Instead, you’re working toward the ultimate goal, which is being happy with your life. That’s all I could ever wish for you. I’ll worry about you in Bali, but I admire your bravery in doing this on your own. Then again, maybe I could get a couple weeks off work—”

  “No way. I love you dearly, but you’re not coming. This trip is about me and finding out what I want.”

  Brian’s brown eyes twinkled playfully. “And you can’t do that with your big brother tagging along?”

  “Uh, no offense, but absolutely not.” I laughed for the first time in days.

  ***

  If ever there was a weak point where I almost broke down to call Colby, it was five minutes before my audition while I sat in a room with my guitar, waiting for someone to announce my name. There were three other women waiting with me. My knee bobbed up and down with nervous energy while I kept repeating a mantra to be fearless. Considering I was whispering out loud, it was better than my orig
inal mantra of ‘do me’. I smiled at the thought, which relaxed me some. However the moment a woman peeked her head in, calling my name, all calm thoughts went out the window.

  The auditorium where the tryouts were being held was dark with the exception of a light on a long table down in front of the elevated stage. Four people sat looking expectantly at me. There was a standing microphone and a spotlight on the stage and I’d never seen anything more intimidating as I walked nervously to the center, standing before them.

  “Hello, McKenzie.” The record label executive who had met me at the hospital greeted, passing out what I assumed was my profile sheet to the three others at the table.

  “Hello, Mr. Willis.”

  Three men and one very severe-looking woman scanned the page.

  “What song will you be performing?”

  My song choice inspiration had come to me on the return flight from Vegas while I’d listened to the airline’s radio play list. “It’s called “Burning House” by Cam.”

  The song’s haunting lyrics were about a dream where the woman couldn’t save the man she loved from a burning house, so she lay down beside him. It was the only place she could be with him because, outside of her dream, love wasn’t enough to keep them together. Tragic and raw, it had spoken to me.

  “Sounds good, but we’ll want to hear you without the guitar, please.”

  I swallowed hard. Shit, it should’ve dawned on me they wouldn’t allow it since a backup singer wasn’t going to play an instrument. “Of course.” I set it down and fought my shaking hands. My guitar was such a crutch for me that the thought of performing without it was daunting.

  “You can begin whenever you’re ready,” one of them instructed.

  I closed my eyes, and when I finally opened them, concentrated on the dark, empty seats behind the panel. After starting the song, I let my voice go up to its full potential with the acapella version once I reached the chorus.

  Finally, at the end, I focused on the people in front of me. I was near tears, feeling extremely vulnerable given my connection to the powerful words over this last week, when the sound of a door opening accompanied by a bright light at the back of the auditorium caught my attention. A man whose silhouette looked about Colby’s height and build exited the building. Obviously my mind was playing tricks.