Og-Grim-Dog- the Three-Headed Ogre

by Jamie Edmundson

  ‘Of course he’s an ogre,’ said Gurin irritably.

  ‘I don’t recall an ogre ever being on our books, to be honest, but I can check. Two seconds,’ he advised, and trotted over to one of the filing cabinets, where he pulled open one of the drawers and began flicking through the files therein.

  Grim turned his neck to look over at Records. Sandon, Assata and Brother Kane were waiting there, presumably for someone to appear with a copy of the registration rules.

  The centaur from Non-Human Resources (NHR) returned to the desk.

  ‘I’m so sorry, we’ve never had an ogre on our books before. We once had a giant, if that’s any help,’ he said.

  A wet sounding thud on the floor of the office could be heard after this statement.

  ‘Did you just crap on the floor?’ Gurin asked him.

  The centaur turned around to look, revealing a pile of horse dung.

  ‘Oh yes, so I did. Don’t worry, I’ll get that cleaned up in a minute.’

  ‘That’s pretty disgusting,’ said Gurin.

  ‘The thing is,’ Raya piped up, ‘we were really hoping that Non-Human Resources would represent our friend here. You know, demand he be allowed to register?’

  ‘Ah, I see. Unfortunately, that’s not the kind of thing we do. We represent all non-human adventurers who have been registered. If you have a query about Registration, you need to take it up with the Registration desk.’

  ‘We’ve just come from there,’ said the elf through gritted teeth. ‘They said he can’t register.’

  ‘Right. Well, I’m not sure what the rules are to be honest. Can I suggest asking to see a copy from Records?’

  ‘Brilliant,’ said the elf. ‘Thanks for your help.’

  ‘You’re welcome.’

  They left for the Records desk. As they arrived, a member of staff arrived with a rolled-up piece of parchment and handed it over to Sandon. The wizard unrolled the scroll and placed it onto the desk. Og-Grim-Dog peered over the wizard’s shoulder for a look.

  ‘What does it say, Og?’ Dog asked.

  All Grim could see were endless horizontal lines in a minute scrawl. If there were letters and words in there, he couldn’t make them out.

  ‘I can’t read that,’ said Og, sounding equal parts irritated and offended.

  Everyone else in their party looked and came away shaking their head or muttering darkly.

  ‘Hmm,’ said Sandon, somehow keeping a light tone to his voice. ‘These rules seem to be a tad longer and more involved than I had anticipated. I suggest that Og-Grim-Dog and I pay a visit to my lawyer. If anyone can find a loophole, it’s Mr Agassi.’

  ‘Very well,’ Assata agreed. ‘The rest of us will get the provisions for the trip. We proceed on the basis that Og-Grim-Dog is coming with us.’

  Everyone agreed. Grim found it touching that these people, whom he had only just met, were prepared to fight his corner rather than simply abandon him. It showed them in a very different light to the brutal murderers Queen Krim had described.

  ‘Come on then, Og-Grim-Dog,’ said Sandon. ‘No time to waste.’

  AN OGRE IN COURT

  Sandon led Og-Grim-Dog towards what he called the Old Town. The earliest buildings of Mer Khazer were situated here, most notably the church, an attractive wooden structure surrounded by a graveyard. A tree-lined path separated the graveyard from a row of terraced houses, and it was to one of these houses that the wizard headed.

  He knocked on the door. On the wall next to it was a small plaque that simply read Agassi, Attorney at Law. ‘Oh, by the way,’ he said, as they waited for the door to be opened, ‘Mr Agassi is—’

  The door opened. ‘A ghoul,’ said Mr Agassi.

  Standing in the doorway was a rather startling figure. He was completely bald, making his head look like a skull. His ears stuck out, almost horizontally, and his eyes shone with a disturbing, green-tinged light. He was dressed very smartly, however, with a full suit and waistcoat, complete with silk tie and pocket square.

  ‘There are some who don’t like to be represented by a ghoul,’ he said, looking at Og-Grim-Dog with his strange eyes.

  ‘Well, given the nature of our business,’ said Og, ‘we can hardly object.’

  Mr Agassi raised a hairless eyebrow at that, and then waved them into his small house. Og-Grim-Dog had to bend their body to get under the lintel. His front room was small and dark. Mr Agassi offered the ogre a rickety looking chair, but Og-Grim-Dog decided it was safer to sit on the floor. The lawyer sat at his desk, while Sandon took the passed over chair.

  ‘It’s a dispute with the Bureau of Dungeoneering,’ Sandon explained to Mr Agassi. ‘They won’t let Og-Grim-Dog register with them, on the basis that he’s an ogre. We rather wanted him to join our party.’

  ‘Discrimination!’ declared Og.

  Mr Agassi pursed his thin lips. ‘The Bureau is a private organisation. There’s nothing illegal about them discriminating in such a way. But there may be other avenues we could investigate.’

  ‘Here,’ said Sandon, producing the parchment he had been given at the Bureau. ‘This is the constitution of the Bureau.’

  Mr Agassi took the parchment and glanced at it. A little smile appeared on his face and his eyes lit up even brighter. ‘It’s always a good thing when a document is this long and complicated. More to work with. There’s a good chance I could find something. But we need to discuss terms.’

  ‘We don’t have much in the way of valuables,’ Grim said apologetically. ‘I’m not sure we can afford lawyer’s fees.’

  Mr Agassi held his hand up. ‘Nonsense. I know what it is like to live on the edges of human society. I will take this case on—no win, no fee. If I successfully get you registered with the Bureau, I will take a cut of any treasure your party wins. How about that?’

  Og-Grim-Dog turned to look at Sandon.

  ‘That sounds fair,’ said the wizard.

  ‘Excellent. I will peruse the document here and now. It shouldn’t take me long. I have been doing this for a few hundred years, after all. But let me get you something to eat while you wait.’

  Mr Agassi got to his feet and left the room.

  ‘He’s very good,’ Sandon said reassuringly. ‘I’m sure he’ll find something.’

  The ghoul soon returned with a meat platter, which he placed on his desk. ‘Please, help yourselves.’ He then settled back into his chair and began to study the document intensely, his spooky eyes poring over the words.

  ‘Thanks be to Lord Vyana and His Horde of Winged Hyenas, I’m famished,’ declared Dog. He grabbed a thick slab of juicy meat that made Grim’s mouth water.

  Sandon shook his head, his eyes wide. DON’T EAT THE MEAT, he silently mouthed.

  Dog tore into the joint and began making satisfied noises as he chewed and swallowed.

  ‘Oh, this is very good, Mr Agassi. What is it?’

  ‘Hmm?’ replied the ghoul, distracted from his reading. ‘Oh, that. Just a little something I dug up.’

  ‘Odd choice of words,’ Dog murmured to Grim. ‘Still, it’s very good. Here, try some.’

  Og-Grim-Dog stood, along with everyone else, as the District Judge of Mer Khazer entered the room. She motioned everyone to sit, and Og-Grim-Dog carefully settled into their chair, next to their lawyer, who gave them a reassuring pat on the leg.

  He knew it was silly, but Grim felt nervous about being in court. He peered behind him to the rows of wooden seats. His new friends responded with a few winks and thumbs up. Assata raised one arm and made a fist. It made him feel better to know they had some support.

  ‘We couldn’t have done better than Judge Julie,’ Mr Agassi whispered. ‘She’s not long out of law school but she’s already going places. Very fair. No nonsense.’

  Indeed, the judge seemed keen to get on with things.

  ‘The plaintiff?’ she demanded, unable to hide a little look of surprise when she glanced at Og-Grim-Dog.

  ‘I am representing Mr Og-Grim-Dog,’ sa
id Mr Agassi smoothly. ‘We are arguing that he has been incorrectly denied registration with the Bureau of Dungeoneering. He is merely seeking this ban to be revoked.’

  ‘Is it Mr or Messrs?’ asked the judge.

  ‘Ah, well, the strict identity of said ogre would be a far more convoluted issue to iron out, Your Honour, and with all due respect to the bench, might I suggest it is unnecessary for us to get stranded on those particular legal rocks when dealing with a simple case such as this?’

  ‘Agreed,’ said the judge. ‘The defendant? You are challenging the claim, I presume, Mr Sampras?’

  Defending for the Bureau of Dungeoneering was a tall man of middle to late years who looked like he had been born in a suit. He was giving off a bit of lawyerly attitude, as if he was already bored of being here.

  ‘The constitution of the Bureau of Dungeoneering outlines its rules of membership. With respect, Your Honour, they are a private association, entitled to pass whatever membership rules they wish.’

  ‘Your Honour,’ said Mr Agassi. ‘We are contending that said rules were not properly applied.’

  ‘Then this court simply has to decide whether the rules were fairly implemented?’ asked the judge.

  Both lawyers nodded their agreement.

  The judge gave a sigh of relief. ‘Then let’s get this over with, gentlemen. There are other matters for this court to attend to, after all.’

  ‘May I get to the point directly?’ asked Mr Agassi. ‘I have read this document from beginning to end and nowhere, at all, does it even mention the words ogre or ogres.’

  Gasps could be heard around the court.

  ‘Oh really, Agassi, that is quite misleading,’ said Sampras from the Bureau in a disappointed tone. ‘You must know that the rule of ejusdem generis applies here. Your Honour, may I read out loud the relevant passage?’

  ‘I think that would be most useful,’ said the judge.

  ‘Section Four, sub-section two reads as follows. ‘Goblins, orcs, trolls and other such monsters shall, under no condition, be admitted as members of the Bureau of Dungeoneering.’ Now, since I know that Your Honour is very well versed in the law, may I explain this for the benefit of everyone else in court, including perhaps for my learned friend Mr Agassi?’

  The judge nodded her consent. Mr Agassi’s green-tinged eyes darkened with anger.

  ‘The rule of ejusdem generis states that where general words follow specific words in a statutory enumeration, the general words are construed to embrace objects similar in nature to those objects enumerated by the preceding specific words. In other words, whilst sub-section two only mentions goblins, orcs and trolls by name, when it then goes on to say ‘other such monsters’ it is, quite clearly, meant to also include ogres.’

  Og and Dog turned to Grim at the exact same moment, confused and upset expressions on their faces.

  ‘What is happening?’ Dog whispered.

  Grim didn’t know what was happening. ‘Let’s just trust Mr Agassi, shall we?’

  ‘Where we disagree, sir,’ said Mr Agassi sharply, ‘is your presumption that ogres are to be included under the term ‘other such monsters’. We contend that ogres are in fact not so similar in nature to goblins, orcs and trolls as to fall under sub-section two, and therefore my client should not have been excluded from membership of the Bureau.’

  ‘So, if I have it correct,’ said the judge, ‘the disagreement is not on the application of ejusdem generis itself, but whether or not ogres are sufficiently similar to the three creatures listed as to fall under the rule?’

  ‘Precisely, Your Honour,’ said Mr Agassi.

  Sampras representing the Bureau shrugged his acceptance. ‘Yes, but surely that is not a matter for debate?’

  ‘I will hear arguments,’ said the judge.

  ‘Will the creature take the stand?’ asked Sampras.

  Mr Agassi turned to Og-Grim-Dog. ‘Now, remember I said you might be asked some questions? Now is that time. Just answer truthfully. No cleverness.’

  Grim nodded. He really didn’t think they had it in them to be clever.

  ‘Mr Og-Grim-Dog will take the stand,’ said the ghoul.

  Grim stood and walked over to a little box next to the judge, which Mr Agassi had called the witness stand. It was a bit of a squeeze to get into, but he made it. From this position he was the same height as the judge, and could see over the heads of all those who had come to court.

  ‘Your witness, Mr Sampras,’ said Judge Julie.

  The lawyer from the Bureau gave a little sigh, as if this was all too silly. It was a bit silly, Grim thought. But then why wouldn’t the Bureau just back down?

  ‘Now, Mr Og-Grim-Dog, I understand that the word ‘monster’ can sound pejorative; can be hurtful. So, let me ask you some simple questions. Have you ever killed a human?’

  ‘Of course,’ said Dog, a little more casually than Grim would have said it. ‘But humans kill each other, no?’

  Mr Sampras smiled. ‘Indeed. Have you ever…eaten a human?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Dog, as if the answer were obvious.

  Gasps rang around the courtroom.

  Mr Sampras‘s smile grew a little wider. ‘Now, can you tell me where you live? Where your home is?’

  ‘Darkspike Dungeon,’ said Og.

  ‘And what other creatures live in Darkspike Dungeon?’

  ‘Well, there are kobolds upstairs from us. And then there are goblins, orcs, trolls—’

  Grim winced. The courtroom muttered. This didn’t seem to be going well.

  ‘Objection!’ Mr Agassi interrupted. ‘This is establishing guilt by association.’

  ‘Mr Agassi,’ said the judge sharply. ‘This is not a criminal trial and so the concept of guilt has no place. Further, establishing association is at the heart of the matter in question. Continue, Mr Sampras.’

  ‘No further questions, Your Honour.’

  ‘Your witness, Mr Agassi.’

  Mr Agassi replaced Mr Sampras in front of the witness stand.

  ‘Og-Grim-Dog, you live with these creatures and must know more about them than anyone else here. I wish to find out more about them. Firstly, what colour is their skin?’

  ‘Objection!’ snapped Mr Sampras. ‘Your Honour, surely this is more than a question of skin colour?’

  ‘Mr Agassi?’

  ‘Of course it is, Your Honour. I’m just laying the groundwork.’

  ‘Mr Agassi, I expect you to complete the groundwork with speed and move on to constructing the building.’

  ‘Of course, Your Honour. Og-Grim-Dog?’

  ‘They’re greenskins,’ said Dog.

  ‘Stay quiet, Og,’ Grim whispered as his other brother stirred at the use of this term. ‘Now’s not the time.’

  Og let out a small harrumph but otherwise kept his peace.

  ‘Ah. Greenskins is a term you use for these creatures?’

  ‘Yes,’ answered Dog.

  ‘And ogres aren’t greenskins?’

  ‘Of course not!’

  ‘These races, whom you collectively call greenskins, they live together in large numbers?’

  ‘Yes, they live together in tribes.’

  ‘And ogres?’

  ‘We live alone.’

  ‘Ah. Another difference,’ commented Mr Agassi.

  ‘Oh, come on!’ blurted out Mr Sampras. ‘How can you say they live alone when there’s three of them!’

  Mr Agassi made a rather smarmy face at the judge. ‘Your Honour, we did agree we weren’t going to go there.’

  ‘We did, Mr Agassi. Continue.’

  ‘Now, Og-Grim-Dog, you travelled from your dungeon to Mer Khazer. Where did you go when you arrived here?’

  ‘The Bruised Bollocks.’

  ‘The Bruised Bollocks. Did you see any goblins, orcs or trolls in The Bollocks?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I don’t think they would be allowed in, do you?’

  ‘Definitely not.’

  ‘But you were?’
>
  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And at The Bollocks, you met a group of adventurers who asked you to join their dungeoneering party?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I think it highly unlikely that they would have asked a goblin, or an orc, to join them. Don’t you?’

  ‘Very highly unlikely.’

  ‘One final question. In your travels, have you ever seen a goblin, or an orc, or a troll, with more than one head?’

  ‘Never.’

  ‘Thank you, Og-Grim-Dog. You may return to your seat now.’

  Once Grim returned to their seat, the judge seemed eager to get to her decision, asking the two lawyers to keep their summaries brief.

  ‘Your Honour,’ said Mr Sampras. ‘This creature has admitted to being a man-eating monster. The rules drawn up by the Bureau were clearly designed to prevent such monsters from becoming members. A common-sense verdict would see this ogre barred from membership.’

  ‘Mercifully brief, Mr Sampras. Thank you. Mr Agassi?’

  ‘Your Honour, this decision rests on the rule of ejusdem generis. How similar are ogres to goblins, orcs and trolls? I have established that in some key respects, they are quite different. Is there some doubt, therefore, about the membership rules of the Bureau? I believe there is. Now, if Mr Sampras and the Bureau wish to go off and rewrite their constitution to add ogres to their list, and they make such an amendment according to the rules of their organisation, they have the right to do so. But as things stand, there is sufficient doubt on the question for me to suggest that the Bureau has been over hasty and unfair in its handling of my client’s case. I would hope, therefore, that the court would come down on the side of the individual over the organisation.’

  ‘Agreed,’ said the judge. ‘It is far from clear to me that Mr Og-Grim-Dog is banned from membership of the Bureau of Dungeoneering. I therefore rule that he has a right to registration. Thank you, everyone.’

  The judge got to her feet, and everyone else in the room did the same. Once she left, there was a little cheer from Assata, Sandon and the others from the benches behind them. Agassi and Sampras shook hands, seemingly friendly enough.

  ‘Congratulations, Agassi,’ said Sampras. ‘And to you, Og-Grim-Dog. Happy adventuring.’