Welcome to Hell Box Set: Paranormal Romantic Comedy

by Demelza Carlton

  She'd promised she'd stay out of it until Persi needed her help. And the girl couldn't help but fail, with Luce like this.

  In the meantime, Persi was her responsibility – and she would watch over the girl as carefully as she could, while avoiding the depressed demon next door.

  Mel settled back into her body, rousing from slumber so she could shift it from the bed to the phone.

  Flexing her fingers, she dialled Raphael's number and heard his sleepy voice. "Mm? Mel? What is it?"

  "Persi called. This isn't just a fact-finding mission like you thought – the meetings are contract negotiations. Luce is taking the HELL Corporation global. He's sourced offices in several countries and he already has a signed contract with the US government – for their health services, the largest portfolio in their budget."

  "Oh Hell."

  "We need to gain control of HELL Corporation and remove Lucifer. Do you want to tell Persi? She'll have to get him to sign the documents somehow."

  Mel could almost hear Raphael thinking, before he finally said, "You tell Persi what she needs to do. I'll have some of our legal boys draft the contracts. Tell her to sell herself into slavery if she has to – but she needs to get him to sign those documents, whatever the cost."

  "I draw the line at her soul, Raphael. Her body is hers to do what she wants with, but I won't support her selling her soul."

  "Hers or yours, Mel – I'd hand hers over any day. It's a fair price to pay to thwart Lucifer in his bid for this much power."

  Mel sighed. She'd have preferred to proceed differently – with Luce's soul as the bargaining chip – but it was out of her hands now. At least, it was for the moment. "When she calls next, I'll tell her. You have a week to produce watertight contracts. Ones even American lawyers can't find loopholes in."

  Fifty

  "Are you a first aid officer?" a harried-looking man asked Mel.

  She put down her phone reluctantly, her mind still on the book about a writer's romance. "Yes. What's happened?" She rose from her seat.

  The man led the way through the cubicle maze. "We've had another incident in the store room. One bloke's unconscious and bleeding on the floor, while one of the girls from HR has injured her wrist, apparently with one of her heels. She says that the injury was sustained in self-defence…"

  Mel hurried after him, her own heels padding on the carpeted floor. Something seemed very strange today.

  The HR manager walked past, clutching a file to her chest and shaking her head. "This is bad, very bad. It's the third one today – the tenth this week – and it's only Tuesday…" she muttered to no one in particular.

  She reached the doorway of the store room and stopped, stunned.

  A man was indeed unconscious on the carpet; his head and shoulders had landed on the bottom of one of the shelving units. Through his forearm was a red stiletto heel, the gel cushion insert hanging out like the man's tongue. Black blood seeped from his arm onto the pile of telephone message pads beneath him.

  An hysterical Ana clutched a ream of paper to her chest, the fingers of one hand wrapped around the wrist of her other hand. "He deserved it! Thieving policy officer…"

  Mel noticed blood and some of the man's equally dark hair sticking to the wrapper around the ream of paper.

  She summoned a soothing smile and reached past Ana for one of the first aid kits. Without taking her eyes off the hysterical woman or the limp man, Mel said over her shoulder, "Could you call me an ambulance, please?" She looked at Ana, who had kicked off her other red heel, looking ready to use it. "Make that two ambulances, for two casualties?"

  "Sure," the other man replied as he hurried away.

  "May I?" Mel asked, extending her hand to Ana.

  "You can't have it! We're completely out!" Ana shouted.

  Mel smiled her most angelic smile. "Not the paper. I'd like to examine your wrist."

  Mel prodded for a moment until the woman yanked her hand back with an cry of pain. "It looks like a bad sprain. Best get you to hospital. Did you want to go wait in Reception?"

  Ana gave a curt nod. "Right after I get this paper in the printer." She marched off to HR, still hugging her bloody ream of paper.

  Mel turned her attention to the man on the floor. She didn't know him, but she didn't expect to – there were plenty of HELL Corporation policy officers she hadn't met. She hoped he'd recover enough from his head injury to be able to tell her his name. Sighing, she lightly patted his face and hands. "Wake up, please, and tell me if you can hear me. Are you okay?"

  The man groaned and moved, but he didn't say anything she understood, so Mel repeated the exercise.

  "Ffff…ucking bitch," the man mumbled after a while.

  Mel pressed her lips together. "Can you tell me your name?"

  "Mo," he mumbled.

  "Mo? Your name is Mo?"

  "Yyy…sss," Mo replied with difficulty.

  "Right, well, I'm Mel and I've called you an ambulance, which will take you to hospital so you can get checked out."

  "Good. Call….p...lice…too," he mumbled.

  "We're sorting that out right now," Mel said carefully.

  Luckily, the ambulance officers didn't take long to arrive and they took Mo away, relieving Mel of her responsibilities. She headed back to her desk, detouring to wash Mo's blood off her hands first.

  Lili appeared, looking flustered. "Oh, Mel! Could you sort and staple these documents in time for my meeting in five minutes?" She dumped the ream of printed paper on Mel's desk and wandered off without waiting for Mel's answer.

  With a sigh, Mel pulled out her stapler and started dealing with the sheets.

  She made it to a third of the way through before her stapler protested and died. Patiently, Mel tapped it on the desk and checked the staples. She added some more, just in case. The stapler didn't do anything.

  She peered into it and thought perhaps a staple had gotten jammed. She tried to pry it out with a pair of scissors, but they were too big. She needed something smaller, like…

  Mel picked up a pen and inserted the point into her stapler, trying to get the wayward staple out. The pen point snapped, shattering the plastic with it. Mel dropped the pen into the bin by the desk. She searched her desk for a letter opener or something else she could use, but came up with nothing.

  She headed over to Merih's desk. "How do I order a new stapler and a pen to replace the ones I just broke?" she asked.

  He shrugged. "You can't. You have to fix them or do without."

  She stared at him. "What? I can't have a new pen?"

  He pulled up the internal network screen and tapped his monitor. "That's why."

  "...the Minister has issued a media statement announcing immediate saving measures across government. These measures include: a temporary freeze on all expenditure on the procurement of non-essential goods and services (consumables such as stationery, use of consultants, non-essential travel)," she read. Mel looked at Merih. "But stationery is essential! This is an office!"

  Merih shrugged. "Apparently not, according to the Minister. Haven't you noticed the fights breaking out in the store room where the stationery used to be kept?"

  Oh.

  Two hours later, Mel had taken her stapler apart, sustaining several bleeding cuts in the process, and reassembled it so it worked once more. Leaving bloody fingerprints on the documents, she finished dealing with the papers and delivered them to Lili's meeting. Then she went in search of a first aid kit to clean and cover her cuts.

  By that time, the work day was over. She slipped her phone into her bag and lifted it onto her shoulder.

  She'd wasted a whole work day over ten dollars' worth of stationery – a stapler and a ream of paper. That was…almost three hundred dollars of wasted time and money. How was that saving?

  Hell will freeze over before she found out, Mel decided. Her laughter bubbled up as she realised the reality. No, Hell had already frozen over. On the Minister's orders.

  Fifty-One

>   "No, there's no more paper," Lili said before Mel could even ask why her documents hadn't printed. "We used our last ream yesterday and I swear I saw one of the Environment boys stealing from our printer this morning. No one wastes as much paper as the Environment Division…" She hungrily eyed the pen in Mel's hand. "You're lucky you still have a pen. Everyone else's went missing overnight."

  "Actually, I have two. If you need one…" Mel offered her pen and Lili snatched it from her. Mel sighed. "Is the Minister's freeze still in effect? I don't see how it affects us. It's not like the government's paying for our stationery – I thought the HELL Corporation costs were factored into your initial bid to provide services…"

  Lili shrugged. "It's the look of the thing. All government departments are making funding cuts to allow for renovations to the premier's new palace to include a brothel in the basement. They say it'll save millions, but not before it's open for business. We can't look like we're spending lots of money when all the other government services are skimping…"

  Mel smothered a laugh. "I still think there are better ways to save money than not allowing us to have stationery. I can't get anything done."

  "Go get a coffee," Lili suggested. "Maybe by the time you're back, Merih and Gerry will have scrounged enough paper to print."

  Mel nodded, but bypassed the kitchen for the stairs up to the executive suite. Luce wouldn't have agreed to such stupid austerity measures and she'd be damned before she'd sit around and do nothing, wasting their money by doing no work.

  Mel was surprised to see Mephi back, not to mention smiling blissfully and humming. Had it really been a month since she'd left? Luce had been gone for just as long. The office was definitely a different place without him. Mel found she actually missed the man. His conversation, more than anything, as well as the occasional coffee he'd made for her. Coffee and conversation. Mel tried not to laugh. She was certain Luce would have preferred that she miss parts of his personality and anatomy that started with C, though Persi was probably doing her best to ensure he forgot all about Mel. And so she should.

  "Mel! Oh, you won't believe how wonderful it was! Bob and I…we…were arrested by the Japanese police." Mephi blushed, looking absurdly proud.

  Mel wasn't sure whether to laugh, smile or look concerned. "I'm happy to hear you enjoyed your holiday. I hope it was all a misunderstanding," she said carefully.

  Mephi giggled, sounding eerily like Persi instead of her usual efficient self. "Public nudity, disturbing the peace, property damage, inciting public violence, rioting, misuse of public property…oh, it was incredible. Bob and I spent half the night naked on the futons, but we got too hot and decided to try a romp in the snow. My knees went numb, so I insisted we visit the hot springs, but the indoor ones wouldn't let us in together, because they keep men and women separate – can you imagine? So we found some up the hill that were outdoors and not segregated…"

  Mel coughed. "Up the hill…you mean the cooking hot springs? The ones that are too hot for humans, with all the warning signs?"

  "Humans, maybe, but they were just a warm bath to us demons, dear. And we steamed them up a fair bit more before we were done. So we had another roll in the snow…and fell through someone's basement window. We climbed out, had another wash in the hot springs – just to disinfect, of course, the cuts from the broken glass, but one thing led to another and…by that time some of the townspeople were up and they were very rude, so Bob broke off a length of the chain fence and used it to protect me…" Mephi's eyes misted over at the memory.

  "Wow. Sounds like an exciting holiday," Mel managed to say. She didn't think she'd ever understand demons.

  "It was." Mephi sighed. "What can I do for you, dear? Just name it. Bob and I will be in your debt for eternity."

  Mel took a deep breath. "I'd like to see whoever's doing Luce's job. I want to discuss the austerity measures."

  "Let me just check…" Mephi frowned at her monitor. "He's free now and for the next half hour. Go right in."

  He sat at Luce's desk. The office looked no different, but the man who occupied it was a shadow compared to the charismatic Lord of Hell. "What is it?" he asked, rubbing his face with both hands as he looked up. "And who are you?"

  "I'm Mel," she began. "I want to hear it from you – why the entire corporation is under these austerity measures. I'd like to assist, but I can't unless I know why."

  He shuffled through the papers piled up over his desk. Luce had never had that much paper in his entire office, let alone his desk. "There was a memo from the Minister. I had Mephi send it around…"

  Mel wet her lips. "Oh yes, I saw that. It doesn't explain why. The HELL Corporation's profits are rising steadily and it's picking up more government services every week. The only reason I can think of is the need for capital elsewhere – if Luce is thinking of expanding his corporation on a global scale. If this is the case, then reducing its productivity here by not ordering paper is pointless."

  Cold, dark eyes regarded her, but he didn't say a word.

  "You've got an office full of staff, fighting over stationery and doing nothing else. Half of them are spending their entire work day stealing paper from the other half, who are out on coffee and smoke breaks because they can't do anything else. Zero productivity will only make the company look bad when Luce wants it to appear at its best, in the media and otherwise. All it'll take is one person to talk to the media and the press will be all over it – and office humour like this will go viral, reaching the furthest corners of the globe wherever Luce is. Luce wouldn't have authorised this and he'd stop it if he knew."

  The man folded his arms. "Are you threatening to talk to the press or Lucifer? He left me in charge and said that anyone who doesn't follow orders will go right back to the Pit for insubordination or inciting trouble. That's a Level Eight offence – and you'll be on the receiving end for as long as I see fit." His demonic grin was the picture of fierce anticipation.

  "I'm agency staff," Mel replied coolly. "If you want me to work outside of the CBD, you'll have to renegotiate my contract with the agency and I have to agree to it. Keep your threats for the staff you can control. Admittedly, if you don't have any stationery in the office, there's really no point in me or any of the agency staff being here, as our productivity is worse than that of your regular, demonic staff. You see, we fill out paper timesheets that have to be signed by hand. At the end of this week, if there's no paper to print our timesheets, we won't be working because, unlike demons, we don't do anything based on empty threats and no reward."

  "Fine. You're fired, then," he said, waving his hand as if ridding himself of a bad smell.

  Mel kept her face expressionless, despite her initial desire to smile. If she wasn't required to spend all day in the office at the demons' beck and call, she could keep better track of Luce and Persi – and be available to fly out the moment Persi called for help.

  After a moment, she nodded. "I suggest you terminate the contracts of all agency staff at the end of this week and use the money for stationery. Luce will thank you for it – instead of sending you to whatever level of Hell is reserved for idiots who waste resources." She turned on her heel and left.

  She heard the man scramble to his feet and follow her. "Mephi!" he called. "Send a note to…whoever. Tell them to fire all the agency staff."

  "But, Bob…that's Mel. She's the angel who suggested our holiday destination. You can't…" Mephi protested.

  Mel stopped. "It's all right," she said. "We're all temporary staff and we're only here for as long as we're needed. The agency will have another assignment before I reach home tonight, I'm sure of it."

  Mephi drew herself up, shedding all semblance of humanity. Mel watched in fascination as the immaculate skirt split to reveal a well-muscled red leg that matched the demon's furious face. A ruddy finger stabbed the air to emphasise each word. "Beelzebub! How DARE you. I won't let you send Mel out of here in disgrace after what she did for us…for our marriage! If you EVER want me
to touch you again, you will see to it that she has a job for life or a proper send off – WHATEVER she asks for. And if she asks for your gift-wrapped genitals as a going-away gift…I will tie the blood-spattered bow myself!"

  The man in the suit seemed to shrink. "Yes, dear."

  Mel smiled politely. "A morning tea would be plenty. As for a fitting farewell gift…a pen is fine. Something small to remember you all by."

  Mephi's skin faded to normal. "I'll see to it that catering is ordered for ten on Friday. We'll miss you, Mel."

  Mel couldn't say the same, so she said what she could: "Thank you."

  Fifty-Two

  Merih cleared his throat noisily. "We all want to thank you for everything you've done. The quality of the coffee. The wording of our laws and policies. The paper-purchasing freeze. The protesters. The training sessions. The CEO's end-of-year presentation. Saving us all from aliens. Saving the CEO from a swan. Mephi and Bob's second honeymoon. And who can forget the chocolates on Valentine's Day? Everything you've touched here is better because you've been with us. We want to thank you in the best way we know how. Now, every man among us wants to give you a good six inches…"

  "And the ladies," Ana said under her breath, lifting her six inch stiletto heel.

  "Or more!" shouted Nybbas, turning red.

  "Or more," agreed Merih, "but we figured we'd give you something just as long and hard that lasts longer than five minutes. Something to remember us by."

  He handed her a small, gift-wrapped box, dwarfed by the huge card accompanying it. Mel smiled, thanked him, and opened the card first. It was full of tiny writing – from what looked like all the staff she'd ever met, or given chocolate to on Valentine's Day. Tears sprang to her eyes. "Thank you," she said again.

  "Open it!" Gerry hollered. "Ana said what you needed most was a vibrator because you'd never see any action any other way. We all want to see what sort of sex toy fits in a box that small!"

  Mel laughed and blushed. "If you insist." She unwrapped the paper with care and pulled out the box. "Ohhh…that's so kind of you. What a lovely surprise. I want to use it right away…"