Welcome to Hell Box Set: Paranormal Romantic Comedy

by Demelza Carlton

  Mel raised her eyebrows. "Persi? Here? That's...disturbing news. She should be running the HELL Corporation back on Earth, where I left her."

  "She has it bad for Lord Lucifer and she's determined to have him at any cost. Can you speak to her? Tell her what she's risking?"

  "When I see her next, I will certainly speak to her. The last place she should be is here in Hell. Not if she wants to be an angel..." Mel said.

  "This is why we need you so much. Who would do what you do if Lord Lucifer...if he...I'm sorry, Lady Muriel, but his fury is frightening. If he summoned all the powers of Hell and unleashed them on you...he could do untold damage. I wouldn't want him to hurt you."

  Mel laughed. "Thank you, Ploutos, but I think I've seen his temper already. Honestly, Luce is about as dangerous as those cats."

  Ploutos managed a sickly smile. "I hope you're right, Lady Muriel. I wouldn't want to be in your place."

  Mel nodded and decided she'd dallied long enough. She was barely halfway through Hell and the ominous silence from Luce was worrying her. Bidding farewell to Ploutos, she set off for the lower levels of Hell, where she knew Luce had to be hiding.

  Thirty-Two

  The mercantile battle behind her may have ceased, but Mel heard more fighting ahead. She wondered if they were fighting over another faulty foot spa or whether there was a far greater prize at stake. Under the clash of metal and shouting voices, she could hear the bass gurgle of water. Standing at the edge of the cavern, her first impression was of the aftermath of the Battle of Arausio. Thousands of men struggling in a river while they sank beneath the weight of their armour, fighting each other all the way down. The Rhone hadn't been so swampy – this underground river looked more like the Styx, though Thessaly was a world away from where she was now.

  Mel sniffed carefully, but this didn't smell the same as Level Three's sewage. Not fresh, certainly, but more like artesian water than wastewater. The taint of blood in the air did turn her stomach a little, though.

  "Are you looking to place your bet, too?" a voice said. "You're cutting it close. Battle ends in an hour."

  "What happens when the battle ends?" Mel asked.

  "Same thing that happens at the end of every day. Everyone stops fighting, we count up all the missing bits and announce who lost the least limbs and drowned the fewest times. Wait a few hours, until everything's grown back in the morning, then start over. Are you new?" The tunic-clad demon squinted at her.

  Mel smiled. "I wouldn't say that, though I don't believe we've met before."

  "Phlegyas. I used to be a king, once, and now I'm just king of the moat. All that rutting fool Apollo's fault. The man thought the sun shone out of his arse, but my daughter knew otherwise. She picked someone better and the idiot got jealous. So now I pole a boat in the dark, in between taking bets on the battle below." He shrugged. "Such is life."

  "Phlegyas...Thessaly? I think I was working with Minos then...your reign was cut short before I got a chance to meet you," Mel said.

  "Ah, I remember those days. Seems like only yesterday..." Phlegyas shook his head. "Now they all want minions, weapons of mass destruction and mobile phones. HA! They get a spear, a sword and whatever armour they can find that fits. If they want padding to stop the armour from chafing, they have to source that themselves, or they can go naked." He appraised Mel from top to toe. "I'm not sure we have armour contoured for your shape, but it looks like you're already dressed for the more berserker style of battle. Good luck to you, lady. Probably the safest battle you'll ever be in – no rape and pillaging here. Just hacking off limbs and such. Wait until this one's over and see if you can find yourself a sword small enough. You'll get the hang of things eventually." When he turned to point at the small pile of weapons remaining, Mel saw that his tunic was hiked up at the back over his tail, baring his backside. Sun didn't shine out of his behind, either.

  "Oh, I'm not here to fight, Phlegyas. Nor do I wish to place a wager on the outcome of today's battle. I'm seeking Lucifer. I must see him before I leave."

  "You sure? I can give you good odds. The favourite is...that big bastard there." Phlegyas pointed at a hulking man who was fighting off three muddy figures in waist-deep mud not far from them. He whirled, sending a wave of muddy water that reached the shore and splattered at Mel's feet, leaving splotches of mud up her thigh.

  Mel glanced down and sighed. Between the sewage, mud and cat saliva, she really wanted a bath some time soon. The sooner she found Luce, the sooner she could go home. Maybe he'd agree to share her shower. That was something they hadn't done yet.

  "No, I need to get going. I don't have time to watch this battle." Mel nodded at a boat, pulled up on shore. "Will you take me across the river to where the next level is?"

  "Not until the battle's over!" Phlegyas said, staring at her. "They'll drag the boat under and add us to the casualty list. I'll take you when it's done, but not before. You could always row over yourself...I won't go near the water until they call a ceasefire."

  Mel shrugged. "I guess I'll fly, same as I did on Level Three. Tell me which way to go, please."

  Phlegyas' eyes seemed to widen further. "Fly? You some sort of fallen angel or something? You should already know all the lower levels are through Dis, over that side." He pointed into the dark.

  Mel laughed, shaking her wings out and letting them lift her higher. "Thank you. No, I haven't fallen yet and I won't if I can help it. That way? So be it."

  The cavern ceiling was low, so her wingtips brushed the stone even as her toes skimmed the water. Muddy water splashed over her skin as combatants burst from the water, first fighting one another and then reaching for her. A long wolf-whistle cut through the other sounds, originating from a man with a swastika tattoo on his shoulder. Heads surfaced from the water and more whistles sounded like eerie echoes, pursuing her across the water.

  The sounds of battles ceased. "Angel," came the gasped cry from hundreds of throats. "The angel of victory."

  "Angel of mud, more like!" Mel called back over her shoulder. The shore approached and it was only a narrow strip of sand, ending in a seemingly solid cavern wall. It didn't look like there was access to the lower levels from here. Mel landed and strode closer to investigate.

  Thirty-Three

  "What in Hell? More gates? What does Hell need more gates for? Everyone's stuck in the horrible delusions in their own heads." Mel glared at the barrier, stretching up to meet the cavern roof above her head.

  "It's your turn to deal."

  "No, yours. I did the last round. You need to learn to shuffle better, Kas."

  "I shuffle just fine! You're the one who can't shuffle, Mo – you dealt me that last straight."

  The clink hiss of beer bottles being opened, before the clink of glass.

  "To Lady Luck!"

  "To her deciding Kas is a poxy whore and smiling at us again!"

  "OI!"

  Mel laughed softly as she headed toward the voices, her feet almost silent on the cold stone. She saw them before they saw her – three fallen angels, sitting at a square table, drinking beer and talking so loudly they never heard her approach.

  "Can one of you open the gate, please?" she called.

  "Holy Hell, is that an angel?"

  "Fuck, she's naked. No angel would be crazy enough to walk through here without clothes. She'd have Lord Lucifer on her in no time."

  "How come he gets all the best girls?"

  "He is the Lord of Hell. Must be the title."

  "Nah, guys, that's Mel. She'd freeze his balls before she'd sleep with him. Mel! Come have some beer with us," one of the men invited.

  "Who's Mel?" she heard a doubtful voice say.

  "She's the one who saved me from the crazy harpy in HR. The one who stabbed me with her shoe over some paper. She's no ordinary angel. The rest look through us demons like we aren't really there – but she's different. She acts like she's one of us, only nicer."

  "No angel would do that. We're scum to them – as
if we'd make them fall if we so much as soiled their eyeballs with a single glance."

  Mel heard Merihim's unmistakeable laugh. "You haven't met Mel, then. She went into an adult shop with Lili to get Gerry's mankini for his birthday. They were having a sale on all the Fetish Fantasy range for some bondage book release – everything out on display, including some toys I'd never heard of. Lili said she barely blushed."

  A vision of latex tentacles crept into Mel's mind and she banished it quickly. She hadn't needed to know what they were for then and she definitely didn't need to know now. "What sort of beer are you drinking?" she asked, moving closer.

  "Duvel, of course! We have plenty. You look like you need a drink," Asmodeus said, flicking the cap off with his claws. He held the bottle out to her.

  Mel admitted she was thirsty and took a deep draught. The beer certainly satisfied her thirst – she'd left the stream far behind, many circles before. She'd lost count somewhere along the way, too – but it didn't matter. Luce was on the other side of that gate – that she knew for certain.

  "What was the book? Was it that one with the numbers? Fifty lashes or something?" Kasyade asked.

  Merihim shook his head. "Nah, a new release. Something about monsters."

  "Monsters in the dark?" Mel suggested, taking another sip. "Sex slavery and sadism?"

  "That's the one!" Merihim exclaimed. "It sounded really dark, hence the toy sale."

  Mel tried not to laugh. "I heard the hero's name was Quincy. It can't be that dark."

  All three men stared at her as she took another drink. "You've read it?" Asmodeus asked, looking shocked.

  Mel did laugh this time. "No, not my style. Ana from HR had a copy and she and Lili were discussing it. They both really liked it." She shrugged. "I mean, you guys deal with corporal punishment every day here. It must get boring."

  "No, we're not on punishment detail," Asmodeus said quietly. "We do guard duty, mostly – here on the inner gate, or relieving some of the inner-circle demons when they're up on the surface. Ana and Lili are into some of the more physical roles here – I guess they like it." He drank so deeply he finished his beer.

  He threw the empty across the cave, where the bottle shattered on a stalactite. He reached into the cooler box beside the table, looking at Mel. "You finished that fast. Need another one?" He offered a fresh beer.

  Mel licked the foam from her lips. "Thank you. You're right, I did need that. Can you tell me how I open the gate?"

  "What for?" Kasyade scoffed. "Nothing in there but the damned and the Lord of Hell himself, and he's in the nastiest mood I've seen yet. Chewed me out for not feeding his bloody dog while he was off with that little princess he left in charge!" He snorted. "Bullshit, too. The dog wasn't hungry – he'd just finished dinner when I got there, with all sorts of stinking offal. Wouldn't eat it at all."

  Mel tried to cover the huge belch threatening to escape. She burped as delicately as she could before admitting, "I fed him. Cerberus looked so sad, I felt sorry for him. I gave him some sausages I'd planned to cook on the weekend. I can always get more once I'm done here."

  Asmodeus took a gulp of his beer. "What in Hell are you here for, Mel? I thought you finished up with HELL Corp weeks ago. I figured you'd be back in Heaven with the other angels."

  "I'm here to see Luce," she replied cautiously. These were his minions, after all, and not necessarily to be trusted. Luce was the only redeemed demon in Hell.

  "What do you want to see that grumpy prick for? Come play cards with us. We'll lend you the money," Merihim offered.

  Asmodeus smacked him. "We still owe you for the coffee machine at work. That coffee is heavenly, compared to the instant shit we used to have. We'll pay you back and you can use that money for betting. Can't play poker without some stakes."

  "Angels don't gamble," Kasyade sneered. "Not unless they want to fall and stay here permanently. I wouldn't say no to her, but she might have some pasty hypocrite of a cherub waiting for her at home."

  "Of course Mel gambles. She won us the office coffee machine on Melbourne Cup Day. C'mon, Mel. One game and we'll show you how to open the gate. Or give you a lift back up to the surface, if you decide after some beer and a hand of poker that Lord Prick isn't worth wasting your time on."

  "Okay, it's a deal – a game for the gate, and you can divide my winnings as interest on the loan, if there are any, for I don’t need them and I don't have anywhere to carry cash at the moment. I must see Luce – and I won't go home until I've spoken to him. You don't like him much, do you?"

  Asmodeus shrugged. "He's the boss. He gets all the girls and gives us all the shit jobs, like feeding the dog, writing government policy in the office and guarding the gate. We do what he says or he gives us to the Corporal girls – and Lili's real mean to demons."

  "Lili's here?" Mel asked in surprise.

  Kasyade snorted. "Down on Level Seven. Since the little princess took over the office, she's back full-time with us and she's gotten creative. Hell, the only one angrier than her is Lord Prick himself. You'll see – if Lili lets you past. I bet she'd like to get her claws into a sweet little angel like you..."

  Merihim snorted with laughter. "Kas, Mel worked for Lili in the office. They get along just fine. Lili's the last of us Mel needs to worry about." He nodded at Mel. "You look dead on your feet. Grab a seat." Merihim pulled out the fourth chair for her and Mel graciously sat, lifting her wings over the back so they sat comfortably. She shook her hair down over her breasts so she wouldn't distract the demons too much with them. She fully intended to play fair.

  "Here," Merihim said, pulling a t-shirt out of a bag Mel hadn't seen until now. "It's my change of clothes for the gym in the morning. It's clean – I haven't worn it yet."

  Mel smiled and took it. "Thank you. I'll only borrow it – you'll have it back before you need it for the gym."

  "Do you know how to play poker?" Kasyade asked. "Five-card draw, fifty-dollar buy-in and two rounds of betting. No limit to the number of raises."

  "It's been a long time," Mel admitted. "Would it be okay if I watched a hand or two, just to refresh my memory?"

  "Absolutely," Merihim said warmly. He glanced at her empty beer. "Let me get you another drink while you're watching." He opened and passed her another, taking the empty from her fingers.

  "Thank you," Mel said, leaning back into her chair. She hadn't realised quite how tired she was until now. It was one Hell of a relief just to sit and do nothing, no more walking, for a few minutes. The beer seemed like a tiny sip of Heaven, too. Good Belgian beer was a luxury she didn't often spend money on.

  She watched Kasyade deal, then Merihim raised and Asmodeus matched him. Kasyade hesitated for a bit before raising, too. The betting ran round the table one more time before the demons traded unwanted cards for new ones and grimaced at the result. Mel found her eyes kept being drawn back to Kasyade, who sat with his arms crossed. She could've sworn he was holding six cards, but she blinked and looked again. No – it was only five, like he was supposed to have.

  Merihim folded, but Asmodeus stayed in until the end, when Kasyade's two pair trounced his couple of tens. "Aw, you have all the good luck tonight, Kas," Asmodeus complained. "I swear you've won half my money already and if you keep going like this, I'll be out before the beer's gone!"

  "Luck will change with Mel. She's an angel – luck always favours her," Merihim said, smiling at her. "Are you in the next round, Mel?"

  "I'd like to watch one more, please," she said. "Then I'll give it a try."

  She kept her eyes on Kasyade again and this time it looked like cards were disappearing up his sleeve. His discarded cards never made it to the pile with everyone else's, yet he still drew four new ones. She caught his tiny, relieved smile at the new cards before it vanished, too.

  Both Merihim and Asmodeus stayed in until the end, but Kasyade won once more. Asmodeus threw his cards on the table, swearing, as he grabbed another beer, leaving Kasyade to deal again. "It's the cards," Asmo
deus grumbled. "The deck likes Kas. Get the other one out, Merih. Maybe these cards will like me instead."

  Merihim extracted another, identical pack of cards from his pocket and proceeded to shuffle them. "Are you in?" he asked Mel.

  She took a deep breath and set her beer down on the table. "Sure. Why not?"

  Thirty-Four

  Despite her protests, both Merihim and Asmodeus set a large pile of cash in front of her. "It's less than the coffee machine's worth," Merihim insisted, so Mel accepted it.

  "Buy in," Kasyade grunted. Merihim and Asmodeus tossed in their fifty-dollar notes. Kasyade followed suit and they all stared at Mel.

  "Oh, yes," she murmured, looking for a yellow note in her stack. She found one and placed it delicately on top of the other three in the middle of the table.

  Kasyade shuffled the cards one more time and started dealing. First Merihim, then herself, before the other two got their cards. Round and round, until each had their five. Mel watched Asmodeus pick up each card he was dealt, one by one, and frown at it. Merihim waited for all five of his before grimacing at his hand.

  Mel lifted her cards and fanned them out, pausing to rearrange them a little, before setting the fan back down on the table before her. "Remind me again," she said to no one in particular, "the aim of this game is to get as many of a kind as possible, with as high a number as I can, right?"

  Kasyade and Asmodeus exchanged glances. Even Merihim looked startled, but he recovered first. "Pretty much, yeah. Unless you get all five in a sequence or of the same suit, but that doesn’t happen often. It's easier to look for two or three or four of a kind, when you're just starting out."

  Mel nodded and sipped her beer. "Thank you."

  "Right, bets!" Kasyade announced, grinning. "Merih?"

  Merihim added five dollars to the pot and Mel followed his lead. Asmodeus shrugged before doing the same. Kasyade frowned and looked thoughtful but, after what seemed like an inordinately long amount of time, chose to place his purple five-dollar bill in the pot with the others.