Providence

by Jamie; Ginger Hunter McGuire

  After half an hour, I began to doubt my own reasoning. I climbed the stairs and made my way to the bathroom door, pressing my ear against the wood. The shower was still running so I tried to be patient, but after the fourth time of glancing at the clock I couldn’t let him avoid me anymore.

  I lifted my fist to knock on the door but held back, turning the knob instead. The steam bellowed out around me and dissipated, revealing Jared slumped on the floor. His knees up, his back against the tile wall, his head down; he looked hopeless.

  I sat on my knees in front of him. “Jared?”

  He looked up at me, his eyes a midnight blue. “The night I sat on that bench, Nina, I signed your death warrant.”

  “What are you talking about?” The sight of him frightened me. “Please tell me what’s going on!”

  “We had more company last night,” Jared said, with the same tortured look from before.

  “Who was it this time?” I asked.

  “Gabriel,” he choked out.

  “You’re not talking about your father, are you? You mean The Gabriel?”

  “Yes…The Gabriel.” Jared said, rolling his eyes at his own words. “He’s one of the most vocal advocates for eliminating fallen Archs before they have a chance to procreate. My existence insults him,” he said, an indignant look flitting across his face. “Gabriel’s a messenger…he also serves as the angel of death.”

  I swallowed. “What did he say to you?”

  Jared leaned his head back against the wall. “He said that he’ll see me soon.”

  My mouth opened as I gasped. “What did you say to that?”

  “That he always says that,” he said with a contrived smile.

  I thought for a moment. “Eli doesn’t mind Hybrids. Maybe he can talk to Gabriel?”

  Jared breathed out through his nose, trying to be patient with my suggestion. “Nina, no one but the Almighty tells Gabriel anything.”

  My shoulders sunk. “So now we’re fighting demons and angels? How did we sink into this mess?”

  “I shouldn’t have sat on that bench.”

  I touched his face. “You sitting on that bench is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

  Jared recoiled from my touch. “You don’t know what you’re saying. You have no idea what I’ve caused. Shax won’t stop until he has the book, and even then there’s a good chance he’ll retaliate. Hell wants us dead and Heaven won’t help us, Nina. I don’t know what to do.”

  “This isn’t your fault. If Jack hadn’t taken the book, none of this would have happened.”

  Jared laughed once. “Including us.”

  I frowned. “Didn’t we agree we had to get through the nightmare to get our miracle?”

  Jared smiled infinitesimally. “Yeah.” He parted his knees and pulled me to him, hugging me to his chest.

  “What are we going to do about what we saw today?” I whispered into his neck.

  “Right now we’re just dealing with humans. We have to make sure it stays that way.”Jared shifted and stood up, bringing me along with him. He brought me to the middle of his room and took in a deep cleansing breath, pressing his forehead against mine.

  “I’m sorry I’ve been so….” he shook his head, clearly in full self-loathing mode.

  I inched up on the balls of my feet and touched my lips to his. He cautiously kissed me back, and then sighed again.

  “You’re under a lot of pressure right now,” I said, running my fingers through the sides of his hair.

  “The last person I should be taking that out on is you. The way I treated you this morning is unforgiveable,” he frowned.

  “It was unforgiveable,” I said. “But I forgive you.”

  “We know what they want; we’re just not sure how far they’ll go to get it. Claire and I can handle the humans. The hardest part will be waiting for their next move.”

  I nodded and wrapped my arms around him. “Can we start this day over?”

  Jared kissed the top of my head. “Why don’t we start with getting you to class? You have a test today, don’t you?”

  I shook my head. “I have a paper to turn in at ten thirty.”

  Jared released me, disappearing to the bathroom. He emerged in a light grey t-shirt and black soccer shorts, with his ratty running shoes. He looked dramatically different than the more professional attire he wore to the bank.

  I stood by the door and waited while he pulled a hooded sweatshirt over his head.

  “Get your stuff together and I’ll take you to school. I need to finish setting up for next week, so I’ll meet you later, okay? Claire will be close,” he said, almost in passing.

  “Jared?” My fists gripped the fabric of his shirt, holding him tightly to me just as he began to walk away. He looked down at me and tucked my hair behind my ear.

  “Yes?” he smiled, the softness finally returning to his eyes.

  “Can we just pretend it’s a normal vacation and forget about everything here?”

  “Absolutely,” he said, hugging me to him.

  At Brown, Jared seemed to be back to his old self, which helped the unease surrounding me. Bibles from Hell, demons with criminals-for-hire, antagonistic angels—trying to make sense of it all only created more questions.

  I snapped out of my daze when I saw Jared’s expression. “See you at one thirty?” I asked.

  Ryan passed us as he walked into the classroom, nodding to Jared. I noticed Jared watch him for a long moment, and then he looked into my eyes.

  “Nina,” he said, a bit nervous. “I’m sorry about earlier. It won’t happen again.”

  “You’ve already said that,” I said, pulling up one corner of my mouth.

  Guilt displayed across Jared’s face. “I know. I just don’t think that I was clear.”

  “You were clear. Consider it forgotten.”

  His face seemed to relax, then, and he kissed me once more. “I’ll have your things back in your room. I’ll meet you there when you get back.”

  I nodded and watched him walk down the hall. Before he turned the corner, he looked back at me and smiled. I waved and extended the handle of my bag, continuing to my seat.

  “I came by your room about nine last night. You weren’t there,” Ryan said in a hushed voice, tapping his pen on my desk.

  “I was sick last night. I stayed with Jared.”

  Ryan’s face turned concerned. “You could have stayed here. I could have kept an eye on you.”

  I smiled, knowing he was sincere. I appreciated his attempt to repair our friendship. The bitterness from before was absent from his face, and sitting beside him felt right again.

  “I’m fine, now. It was just a bad hangover. I didn’t feel well all day.”

  “Yeah, I didn’t feel the greatest, either,” he said, shaking his head.

  “And yet you offer to take care of me? That would be a sad sight, both of us lying around, puking our guts out,” I laughed, shaking my head.

  Ryan chuckled, taking my paper when the professor instructed the class to pass them to the end of the row. During lecture, a small square of paper landed on my desk. I smiled and pulled open the folds.

  It was in Ryan’s chicken scratch.

  Will you go to lunch w/me? (circle one)

  I’ll lose my appetite if I have to sit across from you.

  I already have lunch plans w/my husband.

  Of course, I need to practice my slogans.

  I wanted to roll my eyes at his childish note, but when I saw the expectant grin on his face, I couldn’t say no. I circled ‘C’, folded it, and tossed it back. Ryan always came up with the silliest things, and I adored that about him. Unbeknownst to him, he was a safe harbor from my other life, the one that had become full of shadows and uncertainty.

  I watched him unfold the paper and read my answer. He didn’t look up at me; he folded back the small torn page and stuffed it in his pocket, a wide grin across his face.

  After class, Ryan and I walked to The Gate. He was h
is usual amusing self, and I laughed every step of the way. A few times I noticed he would hug me to him, nudge me, and a few times he led me by the small of my back through the doors he held open. I had the distinct feeling we were on a date, even though that wasn’t the case. The only thing that bothered me was that Ryan’s touch didn’t bother me. It wasn’t the electricity I felt with Jared, but it felt expected, almost comfortable.

  I didn’t realize when Ryan asked me to lunch that the entire study group was coming, but I smiled at the friends that filtered in and surrounded us. Over the next hour, we sat hunched over our paper plates of pizza that we balanced on our laps, the boys trying their best to keep their towering stacks of slices from falling to the floor. Ryan and Kim were inexplicably engaged in a contest to see who could take the bigger bite. Our ordinary moment was a welcomed break and I smiled at the laughter saturating the air around me, absorbing the sweet chaos I hadn’t realized I’d missed.

  Ryan walked out with me and smiled. “You’re staying here, tonight, huh?”

  “I am,” I grinned.

  He prolonged our walk with a leisurely pace. “Are you going to study group tonight?”

  “Are you?”

  He shrugged. “I need to. I was going to ask for your help.”

  “You need more help than I can give you, but I’ll do my best.”

  Ryan kept his hands in his pockets, angling his face towards the sunshine. He looked truly happy, and I felt a warm tinge in my chest. I was hopeful that we could remain in each other’s lives, after all.

  “It’s nice today. I could grab a blanket and we could hang out on the greens,” he said, purposefully bumping into me.

  Jared waiting for me came to the forefront of my mind, but I didn’t want to spoil Ryan’s buoyant mood. We walked a few more steps as I decided how I should explain to him why I wouldn’t. I had experienced normal, the normal I had been desperate for, and yet I found myself giddy at the thought of seeing Jared again.

  “It’s okay if you can’t. I’ll see you tonight.” Ryan said, squinting as he looked to the sky again. I was thankful that his radiant grin hadn’t faded.

  I smiled in response and he pulled me into his side, kissing my forehead.

  “Later, Nigh,” he said before turning toward his dorm.

  I pulled in a big, cleansing breath of air. I felt renewed and rejuvenated. Even with the frightening things that lurked in the shadows, something had made it all disappear. I quickened my pace, eager to see Jared again. He was the only thing that could make my afternoon better.

  The door was cracked when I arrived, and I pushed it open to find Jared looking out of the opened slits of the window blind. A smile immediately streaked across my face.

  “Did you have a good time?” he asked, not turning around.

  I walked up behind him, wrapped my arms tightly around his middle and squeezed. He folded his arms over mine.

  “As if you have to ask. You should have joined us,” I said, closing my eyes and taking in his wonderful scent. When he didn’t respond, I released my grip on him and walked around to see the perfection of his features. His eyes were bright and cloudless like the sky outside, but they seemed sad.

  “I didn’t want to interrupt.”

  I smoothed the barely noticeable wrinkle between his eyebrows. “It would have been better had you shown up.”

  He looked away for a moment. “You don’t need me with you every second, Nina. You seem happier sometimes when I’m not.”

  “You think because you sensed that I was happy this afternoon it was because you weren’t there? Don’t be ridiculous,” I scolded.

  “I think it’s good for you to spend time with your friends. I loved watching you laugh with them. You haven’t laughed like that in a long time,” he said as a small smile materialized on his face. It looked unnatural against the worried set of his eyes.

  I hopped on one foot to pull off one boot and then repeated the process with the other. My feet felt as if I’d been trudging through a swamp from the uncharacteristically warm weather outside.

  “Jared, what is it? Did I do something wrong?”

  “No,” he shifted. “Can we not talk about this?”

  “I want to know,” I said, keeping myself in his line of sight.

  Jared sighed and cringed at the words he was about to speak. “I’m glad that you’re happy you and Ryan are friends again. Believe me when I say that as long as it makes you happy, I want that for you. But I’m in love with you, Nina. I can’t help but be a little worried knowing what I know.”

  “I don’t feel that way about him, Jared. You have to sense that,” I said, touching his arm.

  “I know,” he pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes tight. “I don’t think it will ever become easier to watch him make you laugh, though.” He relaxed his face and tried another reassuring smile, but it fell short.

  I raised one eyebrow. “Jared Ryel, are you jealous?”

  Jared raked his hair with his fingers and let them slide to his neck, rubbing it nervously. “You asked, Nina. I told you the truth.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “You’re jealous.”

  He shook his head no. “I’m…,” he pressed his lips together and shook his head yes with a few quick jerks, “a little jealous, yeah.”

  “Oh.”

  Jared positioned himself in front of me and cupped my shoulders. “I don’t want to lose you. Especially after the morning we had compared to your afternoon with him. It wouldn’t take much more of that for you to question why you chose me.”

  My feelings had betrayed me. Jared’s connection to me had become stronger, and he could feel my relief to be around Ryan. He sensed the contentment I’d experienced at lunch. My stomach reeled with guilt for indulging in such emotions. Nothing could compensate for the love and safety I felt with Jared.

  My eyes fell to the floor when I realized how it must have hurt him. I was bathing in my temporary liberation from the madness that had exploded around me, and he must have thought I was glad to be free of him.

  He could sense my feelings, but he didn’t know the motivation behind them.

  I continued to look down, picking at my nails as an excuse. “It was nice to have a little normal today, Jared. I do enjoy spending time with Ryan…with all of my friends,” I looked to his face to gauge his reaction. “But do you honestly think I would trade being with you for one silly afternoon?”

  Jared didn’t speak for a long while. I watched as several emotions scrolled over his face; he seemed to appreciate what I was trying to say, but I could see the turmoil in his eyes.

  Jared shook his head and tensed his arms around me. “When I’m with you, Nina...you’re the only thing that gives me peace. It seems like I’m the opposite for you.”

  “It doesn’t always seem like you’re all that happy and peaceful with me,” I pointed out.

  Jared’s face crumpled. “I don’t want you to think that. I said this morning that I should have never sat on that bench…I didn’t mean it. That was the beginning of the best moments of my life.”

  I pressed my cheek against his chest and relaxed into the heat that blazed through his t-shirt.

  “Everything around us is crazy,” I said. “Being with you is the only thing that makes sense. You were so worried about the way I felt when I was with Ryan that you obviously missed the way I felt when I realized I was going to see you soon.”

  That caught his attention. “When was that?”

  “On my way here.”

  “So that was about me? It wasn’t because you were with him?”Jared’s eyebrows pushed up and then pressed together, looking somewhat disconcerted and touched at the same time. Realization hit him and the tension melted from his eyes. A few seconds later, a wide grin flashed across his face.

  “That makes me happy,” I said, matching his smile.

  I leaned up on the balls of my feet and kissed him. He tightened his grip around me and my feet slowly came off the floor. My lips we
re slow and deliberate. I wrapped my arms around his neck, happy that it was my turn to demonstrate my feelings with a kiss.

  After a moment, he returned me to the floor. I pressed my forehead against his chest and sighed at the silly misunderstanding. Jared was obviously more worried about my fate with Ryan than I thought.

  I looked up at him. “If I’m happy when you’re not around, it’s because I’m thinking of you.”

  “I thought you said you couldn’t say things the way I can?” he beamed.

  “It’s just the truth,” I said in earnest. I was beyond pleased that he compared his always elegant articulation with my stunted, debilitated speech.

  Jared kissed me again, this time scooping me into his arms and lowering me onto my bed. His lips traveled over to my ear, and then slowly made their way down my neck.

  I slipped my hands under his shirt and ran my fingers up his back, marveling at the incredible muscles of his torso and his baby-soft skin. Jared pulled his shirt over his head with one hand and tossed it onto the floor. As he did so, his muscles stretched and flexed under his skin, and the butterflies in my stomach erupted into a frenzy.

  “Is it hot in here?” I teased.

  “Getting pretty toasty,” he smiled, leaning down to kiss me again.

  I pulled away from his mouth, sucking in a deep breath of air. His kisses were not the cautious kind. The electricity from his lips pulsated all the way to my toes. His mouth moved the way it did in his kitchen the night Claire made an unexpected a visit.

  “It’s definitely hot in here,” I breathed. With that, I reached down and pulled my sweater over my head. Jared pressed his torso against me and I moaned as the feverish temperature of his skin burned against mine. I took another deep breath between Jared’s amazing kisses and pressed my fingers into his chest, pushing him away. Jared leaned back, surprised.

  “Is something wrong?” he asked, his breath quick and shallow.

  My breathing matched his. “You’ve told me the truth. We love each other, and I’m pretty sure it’s been established that we’re spending the rest of our lives together.”

  “Yeah?” he breathed, clearly impatient.