Providence

by Jamie; Ginger Hunter McGuire

Over the next weeks, Ryan kept me busy going to the movies, meeting for lunch, and accompanying me to dinner. We spent time together every night, and shared a table at breakfast every morning. He even began to forgo plans with his friends. Soon, everyone was convinced that we were having a not-so-secret relationship.

  It was uncomfortable for both of us at first, but after the first week we settled into our new roles. Ryan made a game of it, as he did everything else. We bet on how soon someone would ask us to announce our relationship, and who it would be.

  Our friendship grew stronger as the days past, and I began depending on him for more than fooling Jared. Ryan anesthetized the pain, and it wasn’t long before I found myself making excuses to be around him.

  The day finally came that I had bet that Kim would ask what our status was. I made a show of stretching my legs across Ryan’s lap.

  “Cheater,” Ryan whispered, too low for anyone else to hear.

  “Okay. Are you guys together or not?” Kim asked.

  Ryan grinned at me and I lifted all five of my fingers, reminding him that he owed me fifty bucks. Ryan shook his head at my gloating and then scanned the table. Everyone waited eagerly for the answer.

  “Obviously,” he said as he rubbed my leg.

  A broad smile spread across Kim’s face. “I knew it.”

  Beth and Chad exchanged glances. I didn’t have to ask what was wrong because I already knew; she thought I was making a huge mistake.

  “Well, that explains why you’ve been bailing on us every weekend,” Josh said.

  “Why don’t we all go out Friday?” Ryan shrugged.

  I shot a surprised look at him and he smiled. Jared’s birthday was Sunday and the only present I could give him was to spend the weekend alone.

  “I have plans with my mom this weekend,” I explained.

  Ryan reached out to rub my shoulder. “But not until Saturday, right, Babe? We can go to the pub Friday.”

  I held my breath to keep from lashing out at him. I couldn’t blow our cover by refusing to go to the pub or it would look suspicious. Even worse, I couldn’t tear into him later because Jared would hear.

  “So are you going?” Beth asked.

  “It looks that way,” I said, trying not to glare at Ryan.

  Leaving the Ratty, I noticed something was different. I had held my breath and braced myself for Jared to be outside the door, but Jared wasn’t in his usual spot. He wasn’t waiting for me at all. My eyes filled with tears. I had finally hurt him enough to push him away.

  “What’s wrong, Nigh?” Ryan asked, touching my back.

  I couldn’t speak. Jared had finally given in. I had won…and I had lost.

  “Nina,” Beth said, bringing me under her wing like a mother hen. “Let’s go home.”

  “Do you want me to come?” Ryan called after us.

  “I’ve got her,” Beth waved him off as we continued walking.

  As soon as Beth closed the door, her expression was morphed from sympathetic to incensed.

  “Okay, you are going to tell me what’s going on, and you’re going to tell me now…or so help me, I’m going to call Cynthia!”

  While I contemplated whether I would lie or tell the truth, Beth stomped her foot.

  “Nina!”

  “I’m fine.”

  Beth narrowed her eyes. “I know you’re fine. Everyone knows you’re fine. But you’re not fine! And what are you doing with Ryan? You look ridiculous!”

  My head jerked to meet her glare, acutely aware of the microphone in the vent. “We’ve been friends for months, Beth. I care about him, and he cares about me. We’re just trying to see where it goes.”

  “Liar,” she seethed, rolling her eyes. “You love Jared. I don’t know why he’s practically stalking you, or why you won’t talk to him when it was so obvious today that you miss him…but I know that you love him. And he loves you!” she said, the pitch of her voice rising with each point.

  “You don’t know as much as you think you do,” I grumbled.

  “Jared looks miserable, Nina. Don’t you care?”

  I closed my eyes. “Can we please not talk about this?” I begged.

  Beth sat beside me on my bed, her voice quiet. “You need to talk to someone.”

  “The only person I can talk to about it is Jared, and I can’t talk to him.”

  “Says who?” she asked, wrinkling her nose in disgust.

  “Me.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Right. Because you’re saving him.”

  I shook my head and looked at her. “Why are you pushing this? I thought you liked Ryan.”

  “I do. But you belong with Jared. It’s your happiness that I’m worried about, and you’re not happy right now. You are the absolute opposite of happy,” she said, touching my arm.

  “I’m doing the right thing,” I said, wiping the tears. “I am.”

  “How can it be the right thing when you’re so sad?”

  For me, the discussion was over. I walked across the room to pull a pair of pajamas from the drawer.

  “Nina, no. You’re not going to sleep. You sleep all the time. You’ve got to find another way to cope. Or just quit coping…go to him.”

  “Shut up, Beth.”

  Beth’s attention was drawn to the knocking at our door. I walked over, pajamas in hand, and opened the door. Ryan’s hat was pulled low over his eyes so that all I could see was his perfect white smile and his deep dimple.

  He thrust a small stack of papers at me and smiled. “I brought notes,” he said, pulling his hat up. “We have finals next week, you know.”

  “Thanks,” I said, setting the papers on my desk.

  “What are you up to this afternoon? You wanna go get some coffee?” he asked, his eyes fixating on the pajamas in my hand. “Oh, no. You’re not going to sleep.” With that, Ryan grabbed my pajamas from my hands and tossed them across the room.

  “I’m tired. I didn’t sleep well last night,” I whined.

  “You’re always tired. You need to get out in the sun. It’s a nice day. We could go hang out on the greens.”

  I shook my head, trying to push away any memories that thought created.

  Ryan’s eyes narrowed, and then his mouth broke into a smile. “That’s it. You and I are going downtown, waste time driving around, and then I’m taking you to dinner.”

  “I don’t think….”

  “And then we’re going to the pub and getting smashed. You’ve had that kind of day,” he said, still grinning.

  Beth looked up at us from her book. “She’s had that kind of month. I’ll call Chad. We’ll meet you there.”

  “It’s a date,” Ryan said, wiping the mascara from under my eyes with both thumbs. “I’ll be back in an hour. I want you dressed for a night out on the town.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Is that a demand?”

  “Yes. I’m a demanding boyfriend and I demand that you have a fun-filled afternoon full of slogan games, boutiques, good food and liquor. I’ll even make you to get a manicure. Girls like that crap, right?”

  “Oh! Can I go? I need a mani-pedi so bad!” Beth whined.

  I shot her a dismayed look. “Are you serious?”

  “I am so serious. Ryan and Chad can drop us off, go do boy things, and come back at dinner time. We can get polished and waxed and…I hate to say it, Nigh, but you need a makeover. I’m getting in the shower!” she said, grabbing her things.

  “Be—,” I began, but she was already out the door. I glowered at Ryan. “I don’t feel like going out tonight.”

  “Please?” he pleaded. He encircled me in his arms and swayed back and forth, pressing his cheek against mine. “One last hurrah before finals week? If you don’t have a good time, you can make me miserable for the rest of my life. Deal?” he asked, leaning me back until my hair touched the floor.

  I had to smile. He was trying so hard to cheer me up. “Okay.”

  A huge grin swept Ryan’s face and he righted us both. “I’ll pick you up in
an hour. See you soon,” he said as he disappeared down the hall.

  Fifty-six minutes later, the door was under attack by loud, incessant knocking. When Beth swung the door open, Chad and Ryan were still knocking on it with both fists.

  “It’s open!” Beth shouted over the banging.

  “Don’t you look awesome!” Chad said, kissing Beth sweetly on the cheek.

  “Aw…you know I love it when you use the big words,” she laughed, wrapping her arms around him.

  Ryan stared at me.

  “What?” I asked, looking down at my little black dress. “Too much?”

  “No! No…it’s just…I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in a dress. It’s nice.”

  I shrugged. “I thought it’d make me feel better to dress up.”

  “Did it?”

  “I think so,” I smiled.

  Ryan rolled down the windows of his black Toyota Tundra and cranked the radio to the first rock song he turned to. The boys sang along, but I still couldn’t understand the words. Beth and I giggled at the funny faces they made as they serenaded amused and sometimes bewildered pedestrians as we passed.

  At the salon, Beth and I stepped out onto the sidewalk and waved as the Tundra disappeared around the corner.

  “Those boys.” Beth shook her head before turning to me. “C’mon!” she said, yanking me inside.

  I sunk into my seat as my hands and feet were brushed, scrubbed, filed, de-cuticled, polished and lotioned. Beth prattled on to the nail techs about our plans for the night, how wonderful her boyfriend was and her upcoming apartment hunt.

  “You’re staying in Providence?” I asked, my eyebrows shooting upward.

  She smiled. “Chad wants to get an apartment together. I didn’t want to say anything before… with everything going on.”

  “You didn’t want to upset me.”

  Beth bit her lip and nodded.

  “You could have told me, Beth. I think it’s fantastic,” I said, grabbing her hand.

  “You do?”

  “You two are amazing together. You don’t need to worry about me, I’ll be fine,” I said, squeezing her hand.

  “Yeah…you being fine is exactly what I’m worried about,” she grumbled.

  Two hours later, Ryan’s Tundra honked from the curb. Ryan opened the door for us and then hopped back in, turning the music down.

  “Did you have a good time, Babe?” he asked, kissing my cheek.

  “Yeah, it was fun,” I answered.

  “Well, you look gorgeous. I’m afraid to take you anywhere looking like that. I might have to fight somebody,” he said, winking.

  “Quit it,” I smiled, rolling my eyes.

  We arrived at the pub, and I could hear the music thumping from the street. I knew Kim had beaten us there, because it was her crazy music filtering through the door. When we walked in, our friends were already on the dance floor, arms up, bouncing around. Ryan grabbed my hand and led me to the middle of the floor, twirling me around.

  In that moment I was just like them. I was a normal college student, with my entire normal life ahead of me. I smiled, and it felt natural. I drank shots, toasted to the Big Brown Bear, and hugged my friends. It was bittersweet freedom.

  The music slowed, and Ryan pulled me to him. We were both sticky from dancing, and I pulled the wet strands of my bangs away from my face.

  Holding my hand up to the dim light, he smiled. “Those are some pretty nails you have there.”

  “My boyfriend forced me to go to the spa today. He made me spend the afternoon with one of my girlfriends,” I teased.

  “Really? He sounds like a great guy. If I were you, I’d hang on to him…sounds like a keeper.”

  I watched his face for a moment and then rested my cheek on his shoulder. Ryan wrapped his arms tighter around me and pressed his face into my hair.

  “It wouldn’t be so bad, would it?” he whispered in my ear. “If we stopped pretending?”

  I shut my eyes and remained silent.

  We returned to the bar for another round of shots when I saw Kim heading outside, a cigarette already between her lips. I stumbled out behind her and raked my matted hair from my forehead as she flicked her lighter.

  “Can I have one?” I asked, breathless and weaving.

  “You want a cigarette?” she asked in disbelief.

  I nodded and Kim shrugged, pulling a stubby white stick from the small box she was holding.

  I put the cigarette between my lips flicked the lighter. Just as it sparked, Jared appeared in front of me with a disgusted look on his face.

  “What are you doing?” He pulled the cigarette from my mouth, broke it in half, and threw it to the ground. “You don’t smoke.” He frowned in disapproval, and I shrunk back into Kim.

  “You’re drunk, Ryan’s drunk, I’m taking you home,” he said in a father-like tone.

  I turned to open the door to the pub, but Jared grabbed my wrist. “Then let me call you a cab,” his voice lost its authority and I winced at the pain in his voice.

  Jared’s hand was the same warm blanket I remembered. After the number of drinks I’d had, I couldn’t hide my feelings. Jared’s eyes became animated in reaction.

  He looked down to my hand and caressed my skin with his thumb. He had sensed the pensive feeling I’d had at his touch.

  I pulled away. “You need to go.”

  “I can’t let you go with him when he’s been drinking.”

  “Ryan already—,” I began.

  “Jared,” Ryan said, bursting out of the bar. He nodded once at Jared and then looked at me and smiled. “Hey, Babe,” he said, jerking me against him and planting his mouth on mine.

  My eyes widened and then I clinched them shut, trying to cover the fact that I was taken off-guard. After a few seconds, he pulled away, looked into my eyes and then cupped my cheeks, kissing me again. I could tell by the way he held me that it was no longer for show. He had forgotten about our audience as he parted his lips, lightly touching his tongue to mine.

  I pulled away and immediately watched for Jared’s reaction; his expression frightened me. I slowly moved to stand in front of Ryan.

  “Jared.…” I warned.

  Jared’s breathing was uneven, and his eyes were raging storms. “Move out of the way, Nina.”

  “She’s made her choice, Jared. It’s time you found someone else to….”

  Jared lunged forward and then jerked back, held by two small hands.

  “It’s time to go,” Claire said as her brother froze under her touch.

  “Hey, Claire!” Ryan smiled, unaware of how close he was to another trip to the hospital.

  Claire glanced at him with an uncomfortable expression, keeping firm hands on her brother. She seemed surprised that Ryan had acknowledged her.

  The cab slowed to a stop beside us and honked. I backed up against Ryan, turning to push him to safety. Jared walked toward me and for the first time I felt safer knowing Claire was near.

  “Nina?” Ryan called from inside the cab.

  Jared stood just a few inches from me. “Don’t go home with him,” he begged, his face compressing inward. “You don’t have to do this. I’ll stay away; you won’t even know I exist. Don’t do something we’ll all regret just to push me away.”

  Ryan poked his head out of the open door. “Who says she hasn’t already?” he asked, gripping my inner thigh.

  Jared didn’t get far when he charged Ryan for the second time. Claire had kept her grip on him.

  I wanted to tell Jared the truth: that he was the only one I’d ever wanted in that way, and he would always be the only one. But I couldn’t. He had just told me he would move on, and I had to let him.

  “Come on, Jared. She’s not worth it,” Claire said, tugging on him.

  Jared puffed as if the wind had been knocked out of him. “She’s worth it. She’s worth this a thousand times,” his eyes glossed over then, and he finally tore his stare away from mine to follow his sister.

  I
slid in next to Ryan and he reached across me to shut the door. The cab ride seemed to take an eternity. I could hear Ryan chattering, but the look on Jared’s face had me spiraling into devastation so deep that it grew difficult for me to breathe. I rolled down the window and rested my head against the door, letting the icy wind burn my face.

  “Hey? You okay?” Ryan asked.

  I couldn’t answer. My heart was breaking; a real, physical pain radiated from my chest and throughout my entire body. Ryan put a gentle hand on my shoulder and pulled me against him. I expected to feel the comfort I always felt with him, but it only made me feel worse.

  When we pulled into Brown, Ryan reached up to pay the driver and then stumbled from the cab. He twirled me a few times as we walked to Andrews, and when we reached the door, he pulled me to him.

  “Goodnight,” he said, kissing my cheek. His lips brushed against my skin as he tightened his grip around me and took a few steps, prompting a slow, silent dance in the middle of the sidewalk.

  “I should go in,” I whispered.

  Ryan’s lips grazed my cheek and skimmed across my mouth. He sighed as he made his way to my other cheek, and then kissed me again.

  He took a few steps backward and grinned. “I’ll call you tomorrow,” he said, turning to disappear into the darkness.

  With each step to my room I tried to figure out where everything had gone so horribly wrong. I hadn’t set out to hurt anyone, yet every decision I made seemed to cause others pain. I pushed open the door and collapsed onto my bed.

  Through the whiskey fog I searched my past, trying to remember the exact moment that I’d made a mistake, where I could have made a better choice. If I had chosen to stay with Jared, no matter how sure he was, his family would be in danger. My choice to end things had left both of us in agony that didn’t seem to be subsiding. Convincing Ryan to engage in a fake relationship with me had only accomplished Ryan having false hope, and if it were even possible, I hurt Jared worse than I already had.

  Beth’s key rattled the door knob. She walked in to our dark room, throwing her purse onto the bedside table.

  “Nina?” she whispered. “Are you awake?”

  “I thought you went to Chad’s,” I said, turning to face her.

  She sat on my bed and placed her hand gently on my leg. “I wanted to make sure you were all right.”