Forgotten Fiancee

by Lucy Gordon

  “Listen to how he snores,” she said softly. “He always makes that noise. I lie awake at night, listening. While I can hear him, I know everything’s all right with the world.”

  He nodded. “It must be wonderful to have something like that, that can tell you the world’s okay,” he said a tad wistfully.

  “Yes, it is. I think I’ll put him down for his nap.”

  Justin pushed the portable crib toward her, drew back the blankets while she laid the sleeping tot inside, then pulled them into position over him. Sarah had adjusted the sunshade until she was sure Nicky was completely protected. Only when her mother’s heart was satisfied did she look up to find that Justin had been watching her. And something in his eyes made her breath stop.

  She thought he whispered her name, but she wasn’t sure. Then she felt his fingertips touch her cheek gently. When he drew her toward him her heart sang with joy.

  She could remember their last kiss vividly. It was the night he’d said, “I’ll be busy for a while.” And she had said goodbye, knowing that was what he really meant. He’d kissed her with a kind of angry impatience, as though he’d made a decision that troubled him but that needed to be made, and now he wanted to get it over with.

  This time his lips on hers were tender, and his arms about her were warm, two qualities she’d seldom associated with Justin. Their love had been passionate, intense, but he’d never made time for the lingering moments that would have meant so much to her. His mouth moved slowly, caressingly, over hers.

  “I’ve wanted to kiss you since the first day,” he murmured. “Did you know?”

  “I…I’m not sure. I haven’t been sure of anything.”

  “I know what you mean.” He tightened his arms, and there was no more talk as they clung together.

  Sarah tried to be restrained, remembering that he thought this was their first kiss. But as the old, familiar desire flooded over her, restraint was swept away. For so long she’d ached for the feel of his body and the heat of his ardor. Now it was hers again, and she reveled in it. Whatever else might be different about him, the tangy, nutty smell that she loved was still the same. It brought back nights of passion and heart-stopping joy.

  She didn’t know how long her happiness would last, so she would seize it now, grateful for what she’d been given when all hope was gone. All her love was in her kiss. He sensed her eager response and held her closer, sliding his fingers through her soft hair.

  Justin was caught up in bewilderment. Despite a desperate desire to kiss Sarah, he’d told himself not to. He didn’t belong in this sleepy place with its limited horizons, and however much Sarah delighted him he knew he must leave her soon. He’d sorted all this out in his reasonable mind.

  But his body’s longing could brush his common sense aside so that nothing mattered but taking her in his arms and discovering the responsiveness of her mouth. And as soon as he held her he knew it was a mistake, for the bittersweet enchantment that possessed him was irresistible. Just one kiss, he’d told himself, and then he would break away. But he knew he couldn’t break away until he’d enjoyed one more kiss, and then one more. And it would never end.

  “Sarah,” he murmured, “Sarah.” Her name alone seemed to evoke the whole of life. The warmth and gentleness of the world seemed to be here, offering itself to him. All sweetness, all womanly tenderness was in his arms, his. He could drown himself in such beauty, lose himself forever and be glad of it.

  But the thought was like a warning bell clamoring in his brain. He who’d always controlled people and events as a matter of self-preservation was letting that control slip away without even a fight.

  He drew back to look at her face. It was beautiful, hazy with self-forgetting passion. She was as natural and spontaneous as earth, as fresh as spring water, as good and honest as the elements. She was dangerous.

  Slowly he released her, fighting his heart’s urge to draw her closer and say words that would commit him to her forever. “I guess this isn’t the time or place,” he said unsteadily.

  “No,” she whispered. “We should be getting home.”

  She said little on the journey, but sometimes she turned to him with a look he couldn’t bear to see, it was so full of confident happiness. The thought of what he was planning to do shamed him. It was a betrayal of her and what they’d shared for those few magic moments. It would have been easy to yield to that magic. Instead he was going to kill it.

  They reached home to find Nick already philosophical about his Hepplewhite cabinet. Colly had called during the day and destroyed his fantasies with a few well-chosen words.

  “Never mind, it’s still beautiful,” Sarah consoled him. There was a radiance about her that made everything she said seem significant.

  After supper Justin said casually, “How far is it to Barton-on-sea?”

  “About ten miles,” Nick replied. “It’s a popular place for trippers because the sand is lovely.”

  “I’ll make that my next destination. Ten miles isn’t too far for one day.” He smiled at Sarah. “I’ve imposed on you long enough.”

  Her color faded, but all she said was, “It’s no trouble. We like having you—”

  “But I’m a lot of extra work, with the shop and all. I’ll pay you up to the end of the week, but I’ll leave tomorrow.”

  He was relieved to have the decision taken. His life lay elsewhere, among big things, important things and people, manipulating large amounts of money. He was shocked at himself for having come so close to falling in love with Sarah.

  After the first protest she seemed to accept his decision, and next morning she made him sandwiches for the journey. “It’s been nice having you here,” she said politely. “Drop us a line sometime to let us know how you’re going on.”

  “Of course I will,” he said.

  “Say goodbye, Nicky.” She held the baby up, and Justin gently brushed the soft little cheek. Evidently considering this a new game, Nicky seized his fingers with astonishing strength.

  “He’s got a grip of iron, this one,” Justin said, laughing.

  “He likes you,” Sarah said. “He doesn’t want you to go.” She added softly, “Nor do I.”

  “I’ve had a great time, but I should be moving on. Hey, Nicky, you don’t give up, do you?”

  With difficulty he disentangled himself. Sarah, hiding a breaking heart under a calm manner, wanted to shout, “Look at his hands. Can’t you see how like your own they are?” But she stayed silent, because nothing would avail her now. A dramatic avowal of love, a last-minute disclosure of the truth—it was too late for either of them.

  “Bye, little feller.” He touched Nicky’s cheek again, but the child understood what was happening and began to cry. “It’s not that bad,” Justin protested. “Let’s say goodbye.” He took Nicky into his arms, and the baby hushed at once. “We had some good times together, didn’t we? I’ll come back and see how you’re doing. With that strength of yours, you’ll probably be able to beat me arm wrestling.”

  You’ll never come back, Sarah thought in despair. Never.

  Justin returned Nicky to her. He immediately began to cry again, but differently this time, small, resigned sobs that shaded into sad hiccups. He was his mother’s child and knew when a harsh truth had to be faced.

  “Well, goodbye, sir.” Justin shook Uncle Nick’s hand. “Goodbye, Sarah. Thanks for everything.”

  He gave her a friendly nod and walked quickly away. Sarah watched him go, thinking of another goodbye. Only this one was far more final. She let her features relax, not caring what they showed now, but at the corner he turned and waved, and she quickly hid her face against Nicky.

  Justin’s way led over the hill that rose behind Haven. It was a hot, sunny day, and by the time he reached the top he was thirsty. He sat down to take out the bottle of mineral water he’d brought. The village lay spread out before him, details showing vividly in the clear air. He could see the vicarage, the garden filled with vegetables, carefully
fenced to protect them from the sheep that grazed in the churchyard.

  He told himself he’d been lucky to see the danger in time. Better to make the break now, before it was too late. But where a sense of relief should have been, there was only a crushing sensation that almost amounted to pain. It was like the baby’s grip, which had been strong enough to hurt him. He’d freed himself from Nicky’s hands, but not from the sound of his weeping.

  He wished the ache in his heart would stop. It gave him a sense of apprehension, as though by denying it he was committing a monstrous crime. As though, once before…

  He was beginning to dread those moments when memories flickered past, brushing his mind with tantalizing wings before vanishing. The fruitless efforts to capture them left him drained and close to despair. It was like that now. He tried saying to himself, “Once before, once before,” but it was no good. His mind refused to give him what he sought.

  He mustn’t return to Sarah. Despite the passion that had flared up between them he’d sensed that she was still haunted by that other man. He’d never played second fiddle in his life, and he wasn’t going to start now.

  Then her face came into his mind, possessed by anguish, as it had been in the last moment, before she buried her face against her son.

  There was only one answer to that kind of weakness, to put as much distance between them as possible. He walked until late afternoon, then found a small restaurant where he could eat under the trees.

  He bought a national newspaper and tried to read it. But the stories of the big world to which he was returning, his world, seemed to dance before his eyes. Overhead he could hear a bird calling continuously. It was a sad sound, like the crying of a child or the stifled grief of a woman.

  He finished his meal, left the restaurant and began to walk.

  Losing Justin the second time was worse. Now Sarah knew it was really over. Perhaps, after all, the miracle wasn’t meant to be.

  She was dazed with the speed of it all. Only a few days, when she’d counted on so much more! When he said, “This isn’t the time or place,” she’d thought she understood him. He would come to her that night and they would rediscover each other in the sweetness of passion. And perhaps, lying in her arms, he would remember and truly return to her. That had been the dream that made her radiant. His casual decision to depart had been like a blow in the face. She’d lain awake all that night, listening for him, hoping in the face of despair, knowing that he wouldn’t come. Her body had ached for him, but not as much as her heart. Now she saw herself clearly, a self-deluding fool who’d read something into a chance encounter because she wanted to.

  Uncle Nick showed his sympathy by sending her away from the shop, giving her time to concentrate on little Nicky. There was some comfort in hugging this little piece of Justin to her heart.

  She went to bed early and slept lying on her stomach, her arm drooping over the side of the bed, so that her fingers touched Nicky’s cheek. She stayed like that until two in the morning, when she was awoken by the doorbell. She got up, rubbing her eyes, knowing that Uncle Nick, who was a heavy sleeper, would never awake. She made her way drowsily downstairs and opened the door.

  For a long moment she and Justin looked at each other in silence. His face told the story of his struggle and his bewildered, uncomprehending return. There was a question in his eyes, which Sarah answered by opening her arms.

  “I’m sorry to drag you out of bed,” he murmured, crushing her against him. “I’d gone a long way when I knew I had to come back. Sarah, I—”

  “Hush,” she said.

  “But I must tell you—Hell, I don’t know how to say it, or even what to say.”

  “Don’t try. Don’t try.”

  They held each other tightly, then she took his hand and drew him upstairs, where sounds were coming from Nicky’s cot. Justin knelt so that the child could see his face. “Hallo, little feller,” he said softly. “Think I wasn’t coming back?”

  Light broke over Nicky’s face, and he reached out chubby arms. As Justin held him close Sarah gave. thanks from a full heart. She watched with delight as her child fell asleep again in his father’s arms, as though that was all he needed to be content.

  “I guess I just couldn’t go away and leave him crying like that,” Justin said, laying Nicky in his cot and tucking him in.

  “I’m glad you couldn’t.” She followed him out of the room and closed the door quietly. “I’ll make your bed up again.”

  While she did so he unpacked his things. Suddenly he blurted, “Hell, no, I’m a liar. I didn’t just come back for Nicky. I came for you. I couldn’t leave you, Sarah.”

  She was in his arms in a moment, kissing him eagerly. He responded with a kind of passionate relief, as though admitting the truth had freed him.

  “Are you glad I’m back, Sarah?”

  “Yes. Yes. Why did you go?”

  “I don’t know,” he said fiercely. “I must have been crazy.”

  She pressed her body against his, longing for the perfect physical union she’d known with him before. And this time it would be so much better, now that he had a heart to give, as well. She’d meant to be cautious, but she couldn’t manage it. She wanted him heart, body and soul, and she was ready to claim him again.

  Justin could feel her slim, rounded shape beneath the thin cotton of her nightdress, inciting him to madness. A moment ago he’d been exhausted after his long walk, but the thought of making love with her made new life stream through him.

  “Sarah, Sarah…”

  She couldn’t answer in words, but her trembling breath told him all he needed to know. He lifted her and laid her gently on the bed, kissing her again and again. Her body seemed to become pure flame on the instant, all flickering excitement and eagerness. She began to pull his shirt out of his belt, and he helped her, tossing his clothes aside feverishly. Illness had left him thinner, but his body was still the one she remembered and passionately loved. She ran her hands over his shoulders, his arms, his chest, thrilling as she sensed that the power was still there.

  “Now you,” he whispered in a voice heavy with desire. “I want to see you.”

  He drew her nightdress over her head, and Sarah threw her head back, reveling in her body’s freedom. She felt herself drawn close as he rained fierce kisses on her heated skin, and she gave herself up to him, gloriously shameless in her passion. Her body had been created for this one man, and she made a joyful gift of herself.

  Her flesh had slept, but now it was alive to his lightest caress, eager for the pleasure only he could bring. A soft moan of desire broke from her as she felt the urgency in her loins. She wanted him so much.

  Justin caressed her slowly, savoring the pleasure of discovering her. She was all he’d imagined, soft and ripe, with the generous curves of a woman of the earth. She smelled of all the good things in nature, dark, rich, welcoming.

  He’d thought he knew Sarah, but he hardly knew her at all. He loved the little touch of shyness that she brought to everyday life, but he found to his delight that she wasn’t shy as a lover. With the man who’d won her confidence she was blazingly eager, instantly responsive. The touch of his lips on one proud nipple sent a shudder of ecstasy through her slim body. She arched against him, murmuring his name in a way that inflamed him. The swelling softness of her breasts ravished his senses. He wanted to bury his face against their silky skin, caressing them with his eager mouth.

  Sarah felt the insistent provocation of his lips and tongue as ripples of pleasure pervaded her from top to toe. She loved the feel of his hands seeking her, touching her with a skill and subtlety that was deliciously seductive.

  “How could I go away from you?” he whispered. “How could I do it? Was I mad?”

  She tried to reply, but the blood was pulsing so madly in her veins she could only give a soft little moan. Her eyes answered him, glowing with the fever of passion only he could create, and her fingers answered, gliding down the length of his hard body and
rediscovering the shape she loved. Despite the long parting, this was still the man whose clever hands and powerful loins had brought her ecstasy. He was using his fingers to trace soft patterns on her inner thigh, inciting in her a fever of anticipation.

  The old instincts were still there, telling her of the urgency of his need, but also telling her he was holding back until he was sure of her. She could feel the hardness of his manhood as he moved slowly over her, settling between her legs, taking it easy, letting her set the pace. Only when he sensed her impatience did he drive forward, entering her slowly but purposefully. The pleasure was great, but more than pleasure was a sense that all was well. He’d tried to leave, but the force that linked him to her was stronger than he was, and now they both knew he was where he belonged.

  Sarah found the feel of Justin inside her unbearably good. She clung to him, moving her hips with his powerful thrusts. They’d always been in tune, finding each other’s rhythm easily, and it was still true. Heat spread through her body. She felt like pure flame, flickering and dancing in a furnace of desire.

  For Justin the sensation of their rightness together was wonderful. His body seemed to know the caresses that would bring her the most pleasure. The intensity of her desire for him made him feel like a god. The sight of her lying there, her hair splayed on the pillow, her eyes hazy as.they looked into his, seared him with tenderness. Her vulnerability terrified him. Yet there was also power in the way she came back at him, giving passion for passion, driving him on to love her more deeply.

  “Justin…Justin…oh, yes…”

  “Yes, sweetheart,” he murmured. “Tell me that you want me.”

  “Always.” The word was little more than a sigh, but his heart heard it. He laid his face against her neck and felt her arms enfold him.

  Somewhere deep inside her the pleasure was gathering momentum, spinning her around so fast that she lost her bearings. All she knew was that she was part of a whirling universe. She and he were one, and that was how it had been meant to be since the dawn of time.