As She Fades

by Abbi Glines

  “You told him not to chase you?” Knox barked with laughter again.

  “I’m seriously close to making you wear this mac and cheese,” I warned him.

  He shook his head and tried to stop laughing. He didn’t do a very good job. I turned my back on him and put my plate in the microwave. He had me all worked up over Slate and now he was laughing about my handling it. I didn’t understand brothers at all.

  “I’m sorry,” he said through his laughter. “I am just picturing Slate’s face when you told him. That is definitely something he’s never heard before.”

  I glared at the microwave. “Well, it worked. He’s not come back around.”

  Knox’s laughter faded. “You don’t seem happy about that.”

  I wasn’t. I was afraid I’d hurt his feelings, and dang it, I was lonely during the day. Slate’s visits had been nice.

  “I think I hurt his feelings.”

  My mac and cheese was done, and I took it out then walked over to the table.

  “You didn’t hurt his feelings. He’s tougher than that. If anything, you confirmed what he already knew. You weren’t his normal. You’re too good for that. Glad he got the point. We’re brothers and all, but blood is thicker than Kappa Sigma. Just don’t tell them I said that.”

  “I think I should go visit his uncle—I don’t want to be rude. And Slate brings me good coffee every morning. He just leaves it for me before I get there. That’s nice of him.”

  Knox grunted. “Yeah, fucking thoughtful.”

  I rolled my eyes and ate my meal. I was too tired for this tonight.

  “Vale, what if he never wakes up? Are you going to spend your life going to that hospital every day? I mean, I love Crawford, too. He was like a brother to me. I hate that this has happened, but it’s been a month. You’ve got to start learning to live without him.”

  This wasn’t the first time I’d heard this. Not from Knox or the rest of our family. I was tired of it. They didn’t understand.

  “I love him.”

  “And he loved you. He wouldn’t want this for you.”

  That I believed. I knew Crawford would want me living outside of those hospital walls. But how could he expect that when he was still in there? I couldn’t just leave him. He needed me.

  “It’s all I can do to make it through each day. I have to be there.”

  Knox sighed and stood up. “I hope he opens his eyes soon.”

  That was something we could agree on.

  “Me too.”

  “There’s the chance he won’t. If he doesn’t, you’re going to have to eventually learn to live. I can’t sit back and watch your life tick by while you sit in that hospital. None of us can. Start preparing yourself for the worst, sis. It could happen.”

  I hated hearing that. I knew it was true, but I hated hearing it. Crawford was stronger than that. He’d open his eyes. He would come back to me. To our life. He had to.

  “You’re still enrolled at Bington for the fall semester. I’d like for you to go back with me when it’s time. You’re going to like it there and it’s close. Just an hour drive. You don’t have to live on campus, but your dorm is paid and I think you’d like it. Be a good scenery change.”

  I couldn’t think about that now. I knew I had to make a decision soon about college, but not now. Not yet. I needed more time. Crawford needed more time.

  “I can’t deal with this right now.”

  “You’ve been saying that for a month, Vale. It’s almost July. August will be here before you know it, and you’ll have to make a decision.”

  I knew all this. Closing my eyes tightly, I took a deep breath to calm down. I wanted to scream at him to stop. I knew he meant well, but he didn’t understand. Bington had been my and Crawford’s plan. How did I go there without him?

  “It’s only been a month,” I said, knowing it had been five weeks now. Each day that passed and he didn’t open his eyes, my fear that he wouldn’t grew.

  “I know,” Knox said softly, then walked over and squeezed my shoulder gently. “I just love you and want the best for you.”

  “I need more time.”

  “Okay,” he said, then finally left me to myself. I knew this argument was coming again from my parents. I expected it. They had paid for my tuition and dorm already. I couldn’t expect them to not want answers or a decision. I had to give that to them. But how?

  Should I postpone college for Crawford? Was that a mistake? Could I leave him?

  No. I couldn’t. He wouldn’t leave me. I knew that. He’d need me here when he opened his eyes. I couldn’t allow myself to plan a future that didn’t have him in it. That was letting him down. He’d never let me down. Not once.

  I finished my meal, then cleaned up my mess before heading up to take a shower. Tomorrow might be the same as it had been for the past five weeks. But I still hoped for the miracle we were all waiting on.

  CHAPTER NINE

  FOR THE FIRST time since the accident, I overslept. My alarm hadn’t gone off, which was odd because I was sure I had set it last night. I always set it. The clock said it was almost ten. How had I slept so late?

  Getting dressed in a crazed hurry, I skipped breakfast and ran straight out the door. Mom had called out after me that she had made me a bagel to go but I didn’t have time to respond. I was supposed to be at the hospital. Why hadn’t Knox woken me up? He was going to read to Crawford at ten today. He should have realized I hadn’t left yet.

  As I gripped the steering wheel, it dawned on me that he did know I was still sleeping and he’d left me to sleep. I knew he meant well, but I knew what was best for me. I didn’t need his or my mother’s interference. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had turned off my alarm himself.

  They all needed to let me deal with this the way I wanted to. The way I needed to. They didn’t understand. Crawford would want me there. When his eyes opened, he would want to see me. Leaving me at home like that was just wrong. I’d tell Knox that when I saw him.

  I parked quickly and ran the rest of the way. I knew Crawford’s mother would have stepped out to get some fresh air while Knox was reading to Crawford, so I went straight to his room. I wouldn’t argue with him in front of Crawford, but I’d glare at him and let him know how angry I was.

  Jerking open the door to Crawford’s room, I stepped inside and then immediately froze. That wasn’t Knox’s voice or the back of Knox’s head. That was Slate. Reading. To Crawford.

  Stepping closer, I listened to his deep drawl and tried to figure out why he was in Crawford’s room reading to him. Reading to the kids was one thing, but this was something altogether different.

  “Looks like the SEC is set up this year. Football should be interesting. Even your Vols look good. It’s been a while since that happened.”

  He was holding a sports magazine and talking to Crawford. Like they were friends. Like he cared about Crawford.

  I took another step, and he turned this time to look at me. Then that slow, lazy grin spread across his face. “Well, it looks like your girl got here. Looking pretty as ever.”

  I wouldn’t blush at his compliment. “Why are you here?” I blurted out, then wished I hadn’t. It sounded rude. “What I mean is, where is Knox?”

  Slate leaned back and smirked. “Knox got a call and needed to run somewhere. Sounded important. He’d seen me in the hall earlier, so he came and asked me if I’d finish up reading.”

  He had something important to run off and do? And left Crawford with a stranger to read to him? Knox wasn’t looking good today.

  “Well, thank you. If he’d woken me up this morning before he left, I could have read to him. Not sure what his deal is today.”

  Slate shrugged. “I didn’t mind. Besides, he mentioned you were sleeping late and that was rare. He worries about you, is all. A brother thing, I guess.”

  I didn’t want to be worried about. I was fine! I was walking around and breathing on my own, so I was absolutely fine! Crawford was not.

&nb
sp; “He needs to back off. They all do,” I muttered.

  Slate closed the magazine. “Good luck with that. Family can be a bitch even when they’re trying to do what’s best.” Then he stood up. “I’ll leave you with him. I have a poker game to go finish with my uncle.”

  He’d left his uncle to come read to Crawford. He might be a playboy, but he was also a good guy. The world was bigger than the little protective bubble I’d been raised in. Things like sex didn’t define people. They could be good and not be Sunday School material.

  “Thank you for reading to him.”

  Slate nodded. “My pleasure. Anytime you need help, just give me a shout.”

  I watched as he walked out of the room. He really did have his own special swagger. It was hard not to watch. The bad-boy persona fit him well. But now I had been given a peek into his heart. And apparently it was pretty big. Not self-centered like I had thought. His uncle, the kids, now Crawford.

  I owed him an apology. I just wasn’t sure how to give him one. He might not even know I had judged him so unfairly. I turned my attention back to Crawford. He’d like Slate. I was positive Slate would entertain him. Crawford wasn’t one to judge people.

  “You look good this morning. Enjoy your update on the SEC football season?” I asked, knowing I wouldn’t get an answer. I had the book I was reading to him, but for now I just wanted to talk.

  “It’ll be time to go to college soon. My parents have already started in on me. Especially Mom. I just can’t imagine going without you.” I wanted to beg him to open his eyes, but I didn’t. I had done that enough.

  “Staying here is all I can think of right now. Being next to you. Seeing you. It’s what I need to cope. I miss you, Crawford. I miss you so much.”

  The door opened behind me and Crawford’s mother walked in. She frowned upon seeing me and that hurt. Having me around bothered her, and all I could figure was that it was because I’d walked away from that crash and he didn’t.

  “Where’s Knox?” she asked.

  “He had to leave early. I stepped in to take over until you returned.”

  I didn’t tell her about Slate in case she wouldn’t be okay with that. He’d done a good thing, although Knox had better have a good excuse as to why he’d left early.

  “Fine. I’ll take over now. See you at four,” she said.

  I looked at Crawford. I wanted to say more, but I was also afraid to. I stood and tried to remember a time when seeing me didn’t make Juliet frown. Back when Crawford was full of life. Back when we had a future planned.

  “I spoke with your mother. You need to go to college, Vale. We don’t know when Crawford will wake up and you sitting here every day isn’t going to make it happen faster. He would want you to go to college. Live the life y’all had planned and just come visit.”

  I didn’t expect to hear this from her. I assumed she wouldn’t forgive me if I left for college without him. She was falling apart daily and he was her world. My leaving would be a betrayal. Didn’t she see it that way?

  “I don’t think I can leave him.”

  She straightened her shoulders that were now so often slumped over. “I’m not your mother and I can’t force you to do anything. But when Crawford wakes up, he will not want to know you wasted your life up here waiting on him. He’ll blame himself for it. I don’t want him to awaken to anything that will upset him. Think about him instead of yourself for a change. You always did make him do what you wanted. He never got to make his own decisions if he wanted to keep you happy.”

  That stung. Deep. I had no words for that, so I managed a weak nod and left the room. Remembering the problems in our life wasn’t easy. Because although I loved Crawford, things hadn’t been easy before. His mother adored him, and because of that, she wasn’t always happy with me. I never did seem to treat him the way she thought I should. Although I tried so hard to make him happy.

  Was I thinking of only myself by staying here?

  CHAPTER TEN

  NO ONE CONFESSED to turning off my alarm. Knox seemed to be the obvious culprit, so I hid my clock under my pillow to make sure it wouldn’t happen again. As for his leaving Crawford early, Dylan had gotten a flat tire on the interstate with both the twins in the car with him. He’d needed backup so he could get the tire changed. So Knox hadn’t been in as much trouble as I first assumed.

  However, when Knox came walking up with Slate at nine thirty, I was a little confused. He was supposed to be reading to Crawford today at ten. He’d told me last night he was making up for leaving yesterday. So why did he have Slate here again?

  Slate handed me a cup of coffee. “Morning, Vale.”

  “Good morning, and thank you,” I replied, still trying to figure out if Slate had just bumped into Knox or if they were here together.

  “Figured if I was coming in early for another reading session, you could use some good coffee.”

  Another reading session? I jerked my gaze to Knox. I didn’t need to say anything for him to understand my thoughts. He put both his hands in the air as if to hold me off him. “Don’t look at me. Juliet called me last night and said the doctors had said Crawford’s brain waves had more action yesterday in the hour of ten to eleven than normal. Whatever had happened needed to repeat itself.” He nodded toward Slate. “Slate happened—so here he is to read again and see if it works.”

  Slate? Crawford’s brain waves were picking up for Slate? Seriously?

  “What did you read him again?“I asked, trying not to be jealous.

  He held up the magazine in his hand. “College football.”

  Knox read him that all the time. It made no sense.

  “I don’t understand,” I said, finding myself trying not to be angry with Slate. It wasn’t like he did something wrong.

  “I told Juliet it was Slate reading during that time and why, and she asked if he’d come back. So I went to him thinking I’d need to bribe him—but being the great guy he is, he agreed to return. So let’s see if this works a second time.”

  I wanted to go in there, too. But I knew Juliet wouldn’t let me. She’d want it to happen just like yesterday.

  I sank down into a chair and took a drink of my coffee. It should be me who Crawford responded to. It should be my voice that brought him out of the coma. Because he wanted to be with me.

  “I’m going to introduce Slate to Juliet. I’ll be back out in a minute and we can go to the cafeteria and grab some food—no arguments,” Knox told me.

  I would argue, but I didn’t have it in me. I was too hurt. Silly to be hurt over this, but I was. Maybe Crawford didn’t want me to stay. Maybe he did want me to go to college. Was I being selfish? Juliet had accused me several times over the years of being selfish. Not thinking of Crawford’s needs. When in reality I was going to the college Crawford wanted to go to. I always had gone to the places he wanted and eaten at the restaurants he wanted. I even wore the clothes he liked. I couldn’t figure out how I was being selfish. I had been trying for years to not be.

  The thought of going to college without Crawford was terrifying. But if he would want that, then how was I supposed to not go? I wanted him to wake up happy. Glad to be alive. Not full of regrets.

  Knox was walking back to me. “Figures it would be Slate that entertained Crawford the most. The guy is hilarious. I’ll give him that.”

  I managed a smile that I didn’t feel and stood back up. For once I needed out of this waiting room. I needed space to think. Doing what was best for Crawford was my only concern.

  “Why don’t you ever think about what you want, Vale?” My mother’s voice rang in my head. She had asked me that many times over the years. She never did understand that I did think about myself. I just wanted what Crawford wanted. Why wasn’t that okay?

  “How do I leave him? How do I go to college without him?” I asked Knox as we began walking toward the elevators.

  “A day at a time. He would want you to.”

  I’d always done what Crawford wanted.
But he had never wanted something that would hurt so much.

  “It scares me,” I admitted.

  Knox put his arm around my shoulder. “I’ll be there. You won’t be alone. When you get scared, all you have to do is call me. Just a few buildings away. It’s time you did something other than sit here.”

  He didn’t get it. None of them got it.

  “Juliet said Crawford would want me to go. That I was being selfish to stay.”

  Knox sighed. “Nothing about you is selfish. Never has been and never will be. You’re the most selfless person I know. But she’s right about Crawford. He’d never want you to stay here like this.”

  I wanted to curl into a ball and cry. For all we had lost. For the future I’d never planned alone. For the past that would never be the same.

  “Crawford’s a good guy. He loves you. He always has. But he wasn’t perfect, Vale. He expected you to do what he wanted. That bugged the hell out of me. It’s time you make some decisions on your own. Make a life that you are in charge of.”

  As much as I didn’t like hearing that, I realized my brother was right. I let Crawford make decisions for me. I wanted to make him happy, and I was so worried about being selfish. Had I missed that all along? Did I lose myself somewhere along the way?

  “It’s like finding myself again.” That was something I would only admit to Knox.

  “It is way past time,” he replied with a squeeze of my shoulders.

  Being who I wanted to be was confusing. Because I wasn’t sure anymore.

  I stood there in that elevator beside my brother and let the past few years play over in my head. How I had slowly changed. How I had let Crawford begin to mold me. I don’t think he meant to. I just allowed it.

  But it was me he fell in love with in the first place. Not the girl I’d turned into. When he woke up I’d be ready, and I realized that that would make him the happiest.