As She Fades

by Abbi Glines

  “Not yet. June twenty-eighth,” my mother replied.

  “Summer has sucked without you,” Knox said as he sat down on the end of my bed. “I come home for summer break, and you sleep through the whole first half.”

  I smiled. That was Knox. Always trying to make a joke. He was the comedian of the family.

  “I’m not sure that was funny,” Michea said, sounding concerned. Michea was the protector.

  “It was,” I assured him, and Knox winked at me.

  “Let’s get her some ice cream,” my father suggested, and Michea immediately offered to go get it.

  “Grey’s Anatomy is on. Kind of appropriate. You up for an episode?” Knox asked, sitting back on the sofa as the show began.

  I wasn’t sure. I felt lost. Like someone was missing, or I was missing. A life I thought I had was gone. Which I didn’t completely understand. But my family needed me to be okay. I would be okay for them. The stress and worry this had caused them was evident on all their faces. I was awake. I had survived. I owed it to them to be okay. Even if inside I wasn’t okay.

  “Sure,” I agreed. My mother instantly smiled and I needed to see that. Her face hadn’t been smiling lately. The frown and worry lines were proof she hadn’t been well the past month. I needed to do this for her especially.

  “I’m going to go get Catherine and the girls. They’ll want to be here for the ice cream,” Dylan announced.

  “Okay … be careful,” my father called out, and I saw Dylan frown then nod before stepping out of the room. I wasn’t sure I’d heard Dad say be careful over something as simple as going to pick someone up. Many things had changed.

  Not just my life but also theirs. Our family had never dealt with this kind of fear. It had shaken us, and yet here we all were. The life of summertime sun tea, ice pops, neighborhood barbecues, and sneaking cookies from Momma’s big strawberry jar were the easy happy memories we all had. No real pain.

  Until now.

  Laying my head back, I closed my eyes. I heard Meredith Grey on the TV and Jonah telling Dad about the new place he was going next. But all I could do was breathe. Because I’d woken up to a life I wasn’t sure of. Crawford still wasn’t here. And then … there was someone else missing. Someone important. I just didn’t know who.

  “She’s sleeping. Turn that down.” Michea’s voice returned. He was back with the ice cream, but I’d wait on the girls to eat it. I just wanted a moment to hide behind my closed eyes. This would be my only escape for a while. I didn’t imagine they were going to leave me alone anytime soon. And I wasn’t sure I wanted them to. The demons in the darkness now were lurking. The memories and the terror of that night would never leave me.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  SLATE

  “FULL HOUSE, MOTHERFUCKER,” Uncle D said, slapping his cards down on the rolling tray table that sat between me and him.

  The old man was as foul-mouthed as he was good at Texas Hold ’Em. I knew playing a game with him would give him bragging rights for the next week, but I did it anyway. He had just survived yet another surgery to remove the tumors in his body, only to find out he was eaten up. There was no way of getting it all. He’d have to go through chemo and then maybe that would give him a few extra months. But right now he wasn’t accepting that.

  “I need a Coke. You want something?” I asked him, standing up.

  “Giving up?” he asked in a mocking tone.

  “Hell no. Just thirsty. Thought I’d check in on Knox and his sister. Haven’t seen him today.” I had run into my fraternity brother a week after his sister had been admitted to the hospital. It was before Uncle D’s surgery. His little sister was in a coma from a car accident. He had been so damn pale and looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks. I’d been trying to stop by and bring him a coffee every morning. Today, though, Uncle D’s doctor had stopped me in the hall to give me the news that he didn’t expect Uncle D to live six months with chemo. Or maybe a month without.

  Uncle D was saying he didn’t want the chemo. I wasn’t ready to lose him. He was all I had. I was arguing with him and his stubborn ass.

  “Poor family. Tell the boy not to be a stranger.” He shook his head. “Take your time, but get me a goddamn coffee and a smoke.”

  We were in a hospital. He knew he wasn’t getting a smoke. Yet here he was still asking for it. “I’ll be back with coffee,” I told him pointedly. “You want the remote?” I asked, handing it to him.

  “Yeah, I’ll watch me some trash TV. Better than the real shit.”

  Smiling, I walked out of his room. That man had been the one to show up and take me from the system after my mother was found dead. The state would have thrown me from one foster home to another if he hadn’t come and taken me in. I’d worked hard for him, and he’d taught me to be a man.

  Knox was walking down the hallway toward the elevator when I stepped into the hall leading to his sister’s room. I was welcomed there. His family was always offering me food and asking about my uncle. They were the good kind of people I wasn’t used to being around. Seeing his sister hooked up to machines and unresponsive had been heartbreaking. She was so young and beautiful. I knew the color of her eyes, even though she’d never opened them. I had seen photos. In photos she was always laughing or smiling. There was something warm and real about her that made you want to be near that. It was obvious her family thought the same thing. Knox was close to her. I understood worrying about losing someone you loved. I was dealing with the same thing.

  * * *

  “HEY, MAN, HOW’S it going?” I asked Knox once I was close enough. He smiled. A real smile. One I hadn’t seen since the end-of-the-year party we’d had at Kappa Sigma.

  “She’s awake,” he said. “And she’s okay. Talking, remembers everything.” As he said that, a frown replaced his smile. “Asking about Crawford, and I haven’t been able to get his ass on the phone. He’s enjoying the college life a little too much.”

  I’d gotten bad news today, but hearing Knox’s news helped. Uncle D would be happy to hear she was awake. He’d been worrying about her since I told him the girl was a frat brother’s sister. He was a grumpy old man, but he had a huge heart.

  “That’s great news. I was about to get you some coffee and check in with you. I’m glad to hear she’s awake. I know the rest of the family is relieved.”

  “Yeah. I don’t know how much longer my momma could have gone. Vale is her baby—hell, she’s all our baby. It was killing Momma, though. She’s dropped about fifteen pounds and she was a tiny woman to start with.”

  “Anything I can do for y’all? Can I get Vale something?” I needed to help. It was weird because Knox and I were friends, but we weren’t that tight. Until this past month at the hospital. Spending time with his family helped me deal with Uncle D’s cancer. Seeing Vale lying there always got to me. I felt like we had a connection, as weird as that sounded. I thought maybe it was because her accident happened about the same time Uncle D collapsed in a coughing fit and a pool of blood at the barn the day I got home from school. Uncle D knew about the tumors on his lungs. He just hadn’t told me yet.

  “Thanks. We’re good right now. Michea is getting her ice cream and she’s resting. Tell your uncle I’ll be by later to get whipped in Texas Hold ’Em.”

  Knox had visited us at least three times a week over the past month. He would bring food his mother had made and always played Uncle D in a game of poker. Uncle D liked Knox. It had made his sister’s story more real to him. Knowing the boy whose family was keeping vigil by the girl’s bed. Waiting. I was looking forward to telling him she was awake.

  “I’ll tell him. He just beat my ass. I decided I needed a breather before I came back and he gloated the next few hours.”

  “Hey, Slate.” A curvy blond nurse I think was named Hope winked and blew me a kiss as she walked by. I’d fucked her in the linen closet three days ago. The stress was getting to me, and she’d been pressing her tits out and licking her lips. I’d decided to
go focus on a hot fuck. It had helped for a little while.

  I nodded, not sure if I was right with the name. “Hey.”

  Knox chuckled. “Seriously? You nailed that one, didn’t you?”

  I shrugged. She wasn’t the first nurse here I’d nailed.

  I wasn’t proud of it. I was just used to it. Been easy to get laid since I was fifteen years old. Especially older women. Maria Grace had been eighteen with seriously huge tits the day I lost my virginity to her under the football bleachers. I’d been a freshman and she’d been a senior. Good times.

  Maria was on her second kid and still unmarried last I heard. Shame she didn’t go on to college. But she was pretty successful dancing on a pole. I’d seen her show two years ago at Murphy’s Titty Bar.

  “How much longer y’all gonna be here?” he asked me.

  I shrugged. “Uncle D isn’t agreeing to chemo. So, not sure. Maybe a few days, maybe a week.”

  Knox looked truly worried for me and Uncle D. “If I can do anything, let me know.”

  “Will do. Thanks. And same goes. Y’all need someone to go run and get something, just tell me. I always need a break from the old man.”

  We said our good-byes and I watched him go before staring down the hall toward his sister’s room. I was really glad she’d woken up. That she was going to be okay. I was also curious about her. I felt like I knew her now, and I’d never even met her. I knew her face so clearly. I’d watched her sleeping. I had read to her. Talked about Uncle D. Given the family a break many evenings while they went home to bathe or sleep. She had become important to me. But I didn’t even know the sound of her voice.

  I really wanted to.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

  VALE

  IT WAS THE third day since I had woken up when Crawford walked into the room. He was carrying a dozen red roses, and in the center, one daisy. I had been watching TV, but my mind wasn’t on the show or the things my mother randomly chattered on about.

  “Crawford,” my mother said, sounding delighted.

  I stared at him and he did the same with me. We didn’t speak. I wasn’t going to say anything until he did. I’d woken up from a coma three days ago. Where had he been? At football practice? Bington was only an hour’s drive away.

  “Hey,” he said as I sat still and unblinking.

  I remained silent.

  Mom stood up and made an excuse to leave the room and give us some time. I didn’t respond to her. The words take him with you were on the tip of my tongue.

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you woke up. Everyone thought you’d want me to go on to practice. If I didn’t show up for practice, I’d lose my scholarship. I had to make a decision, Vale.”

  Again. He had three days to find time to get here to see me. “I understand why you went and why you weren’t here when I woke up.”

  He could read between the lines. He was a smart guy. Always had been. I didn’t need to spell it out for him.

  He put the flowers in the silver vase by the bedside table and reached for my hand. “I stayed here at first. I didn’t leave. But my parents and your family insisted it was unhealthy and that you wouldn’t want me to do that.”

  Surprisingly, he still didn’t get it. Maybe he’d had too many licks to the head so far in college football. I hadn’t been expecting to feel so hard toward him. This was new. Since I had woken up and realized he wasn’t here, I hadn’t been angry. Just unattached. I couldn’t explain it. Somehow I had just accepted things had changed, and no tears or heartache came with that.

  “I understand why you weren’t here,” I repeated.

  He frowned and ran his thumb over my hand. “You aren’t happy to see me now.”

  “It’s been three days,” I finally said. He wasn’t going to get it otherwise.

  He sighed and nodded. “I know. I didn’t get Knox’s message until yesterday. We practice all day and I crash at night. I hadn’t had my phone even charged until last night.”

  Yet his girlfriend was in a coma. He hadn’t charged his phone. Still he saw nothing odd about this. Maybe he had always been this way and I had just accepted it. During my time in the coma it seemed I had changed. Not him. Me.

  “I see” was my response.

  Before, I would have kissed him and held him close and said I was so happy to see him. I would have asked about football and all he had been doing. I would have done and said whatever I needed to make him smile. Now … I just didn’t care.

  “You’re hurt,” he said, looking upset. “God, Vale, I am so sorry. I swear if I hadn’t been so damn exhausted from practice every day I would have thought about the fact I needed to keep my phone charged. I should have been here as soon as you opened your eyes. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”

  He seemed sincere. But the tug at my heart he used to control wasn’t there anymore. Was it because I had been asleep for so long? I wasn’t sure what had happened.

  The door opened and Nurse Mae walked in. “I see you have more company. But it’s time for your rehab. Get those muscles moving. I’m excited to see what you can do today since you surprised us all yesterday with your determination.”

  I had pushed until I couldn’t push anymore yesterday. I wanted out of here and I wanted my life back. Or, possibly, a different life back. “I’m ready. He was just leaving,” I replied, glancing back at Crawford.

  “Thanks for coming to see me. Good luck with football,” I said, and he winced. It had been cold. I knew that, but I didn’t have any warmth for him.

  “I’m going to wait here. I don’t want to leave you.”

  I didn’t want to come back here after the grueling workout they would put me through and deal with more of this. “No. I’d rather you not. I’ll see you next time.”

  He looked defeated. There was a small part of me that felt guilty about that. The look on his face and the way my words were affecting him. I wasn’t sure if it was from the habit I had of trying to make him happy, or if I should truly feel guilty about how I was treating him.

  I reminded myself that he had taken three days to get here to see me. Three. Even his best guy friend had stopped by to check on me before he had. That had spoken volumes.

  “I’ll be back tomorrow,” he promised.

  “Okay” was all I said. Not sure I believed him.

  He left the room after one long look at me for more than an okay.

  Once he was gone I turned back to Mae, who had become a friend—if a nurse could become a friend. She was kind and liked to make me laugh with her jokes. I preferred her over the other nurse, Everly. I had actually requested only Mae take me to rehabilitation every day. On Mae’s days off, another nurse named Sam came in to help.

  “Let me guess. Crawford,” she said, raising her eyebrows.

  I nodded. “Yep.”

  “Does he realize he’s a little late?”

  I shrugged. “Yeah, but I don’t think I can care enough to really say anything more about it to him. Before, he was my world. But now … he isn’t. There are more important things for me to focus on.”

  She nodded in agreement. “Like kicking ass today in the gym.”

  I laughed. Mae made me do that often. “Yes, like kicking ass today in the gym.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

  SLATE

  THE TWO-STORY BRICK home was bigger than what I’d grown up in, but not that much. I expected it to be a lot larger than this. They did have five kids. Seemed like that would require more house.

  I stepped up onto the porch, still unsure if this was a good idea. Knox had called and invited me to dinner. Said his mom wanted to cook for me and send a plate home to Uncle D. I wasn’t good with the big family setting simply because I’d never been around it.

  If I was being completely honest, I would admit I was here because of the girl and my curiosity. I wanted to see her awake. Hear her talk. Watch her with her family. We’d both gone through a life-changing event at the same time. Maybe that was what drew me to her, or
maybe I was just a nosy son of a bitch. Whatever the reason, I was here. Because of her.

  She had surprised even the doctors by her will to conquer rehab. They had released her after only a week. She had to come back once a week to the rehabilitation clinic, but other than that she had been sent home to live her life.

  I had been on my way to her room when Everly, a nurse I really wish I hadn’t fucked this summer, told me she had been released. Then she’d invited me over for the night. The woman was at least five years older than me and I wasn’t convinced she wasn’t married. There was something secretive about her.

  I lifted my hand to knock when the door swung open and Knox stood there with a grin. “You made it.”

  “Yep,” I replied. “Not going to miss out on home-cooked food.”

  “I hear ya. I have to ride home to Momma’s some weekends because I miss the eating. The fast food and cafeteria food get old during the week.”

  It was all I knew, but I nodded like I understood the difference. Uncle D and I had lived on microwave dinners. The one time he tried to cook spaghetti, he set the stove on fire and we ended up at the burger joint in town.

  “Lucky for you the whole family won’t be here tonight. Momma has been keeping the crowd back for Vale’s sake. She’s adjusting to being home and all.”

  I was glad to hear I didn’t have to do the big family thing. I was curious about Vale, not the other brothers.

  “How’s she doing?” I asked, following Knox inside.

  He shrugged. “Good, I guess. She’s quiet. Less chatty and lively than she once was. But the doctors said that’s normal. She’ll be back to herself soon.”

  In the photos I’d seen of her before, she was always laughing and smiling. That smile and the way her eyes danced were two of the things that drew me in. Made me want to know more about her.

  “I don’t think so. Here, Momma, let me do it.” A female voice caught my ears and I paused. It was her. Even without having heard the voice before, I knew it was hers. It may be simply because she was the only girl I knew to be here, but still. The sound of her voice fit the face I’d seen.