Chapter 10
"I'm sorry it's such a quick trip," Collin said, glancing out the window of the car. We were fairly close to his restaurant, but traffic was terrible, a fact for which I was grateful since it kept me cooped up in the car with him these last extra minutes.
He flopped his head onto the headrest with a tired sigh. His eyes were closed, but he smiled sweetly since he knew I was looking at him.
"Tired?" I asked.
"So tired," he moaned, still smiling a little. I sat there and stared at his cheekbone—how the lights fell on it. Feeling like I wanted to comfort him in some way, I leaned forward and placed a kiss right on the spot I'd been staring at. His smile broadened, although he still didn't open his eyes. I leaned forward and did it again, this time allowing my lips to remain on his cheek for two, three, four seconds. A warm sensation washed over me, causing me to curl my toes and clinch my fists. I broke contact, and this time, instead of keeping his eyes closed, he peeked at me with one eye.
I giggled.
"I'm gonna try this again," he said.
Again, he rested his head on the seat back and stared upward, closing his eyes and not paying attention to me at all. I stared at the side of his face for a few seconds before falling into his trap. I leaned over and placed my mouth on his cheek again. This time I went for the soft spot, right in the center of his cheek, closer to his mouth. I barely had the chance to touch his cheek when he turned, forcing our mouths to make contact.
I was so looking forward to this moment.
I loved his whole face—but especially his mouth. I had been checking him out on reruns of Best Chef, and I just loved the way he looked. I had imagined kissing his perfectly curved mouth, and now, at this very moment, it was happening. Without taking his lips from mine, Collin shifted so that we were facing each other more fully. Our lips connected with such a delicate touch, that subtle movements from the car would make us lose contact for a split-second. He leaned in and kissed me more firmly once, and then again before pulling back to stare at me. His light eyes roamed over my face. I had no idea what he was thinking. He smiled before kissing me again. Three times, he let his lips touch mine, and just like that, we were pulling to a stop in front of his restaurant.
I was so shaken up by his kiss that it felt like I was dreaming when Collin withdrew and whispered, "We're here."
I smiled, and glanced out of the corner of my eye before staring at him again. "We're here," I repeated since my thinking skills had turned to goo the second he kissed me.
"I have a couple hours of stuff to do in here," he said as we walked into the restaurant. This was another Mexican restaurant, although it was even more upscale than the one where I first met him.
"I'll just stay out of your way unless you can find something for me to do," I said. "I think I'll start with a visit to the ladies room, though."
He smiled and pointed toward a hallway on the far side of the dining room. "The restrooms are back there," he said. "I have some stuff to deal with in the kitchen and then I'm meeting with my executive chef."
"Go," I said. "Do what you need to do. I'll keep myself busy. I might go for a walk or something."
Collin smiled and squeezed my arm as if saying thanks for understanding as he took off for what I assumed was the kitchen. I glanced at his neck as he turned, and smiled, loving the sight of my necklace on him.
I heard someone say my name when I was on my way to the ladies room. "Sarah Spicer?" A woman's voice came from my right, and I turned to find an actress from one of my dad's shows named Barbara Long. She was with about eight people at a booth along the wall, and I walked over there to greet them. "Sarah is Saul Spicer's daughter," she explained as I got closer.
"I know Sarah," a guy said.
I turned to find her assistant, who I recognized from the set. I waved at him.
"Sarah went to Columbia for pottery," he said proudly to the others at the table. I didn't correct him even though that wasn't entirely true since what I earned was more of a general art degree.
"I've seen her stuff," Barbara said. "Her dad has a few of her things in his office." She cocked her head at me and stared at me seriously as if something had just dawned on her. "I should probably buy a couple of your little bowls," she said. "I have to get my agent something for his birthday, and he loves all that homemade stuff."
I smiled as graciously as I could even though she was implying that my ceramics were some type of hobby or craft project. Oh well, I thought, so goes the life of an artist. Drake had taken some portraits of me in my studio, and I had business cards made with my favorite one. I happened to have one of them in my purse, so I took it out and put it on the table in front of Barbara.
"I have an online store if you want to check out some of my work."
"She's really good," Skip, the assistant said, reaching for my card. "She went to Columbia."
I smiled and waved at them, "It was great seeing you guys," I said.
"You too, sweetheart," Barbara said.
I bowed at them as I turned and continued through the dining room to the women's restroom.
There was a small dressing area with a couple of couches, and I stayed in there for nearly a half-hour after I used the restroom. The restaurant was busy, but nobody was hanging out in the women's restroom, so aside from the people passing by on their way to and from, I was alone. I had a few texts from Lu and my mom, so I took care of those before spacing out on the internet for a while.
I thought I might sit at the bar for a while or maybe even walk to the bookstore down the street. I made up my mind to go to the bookstore since Collin said he might be a couple of hours. I had just come out of the restroom and was about to round the corner that led to the dining room when I saw Collin standing on the other side of the restaurant with his back toward me.
I knew it was Collin by what he was wearing and how he was standing. I knew it was him. It was Collin; that was all there was to it. That fact wouldn't have been so hard for me to believe had there not been a blonde standing beside him with her arms wrapped around his waist like she was a freaking koala bear. I mean seriously, she was holding onto him with a unashamed grip around his middle.
Just then, someone came into the hallway, and not seeing I was standing there, they almost bumped into me. We both gasped and giggled at the awkward encounter, but soon, she was off to the ladies room, and I was once again, staring at Collin's backside. The girl's dad-blasted arms were still wrapped around his middle. I stepped to the side so that I could see Collin without being in anyone's way. I knew I should walk away and not watch what was happening, but when you're in a position like that, it's literally impossible. I stood there and watched them like a little kid playing spies. The woman had obviously been at one of the tables, and stood up to hug him when he went to talk to them. A hug was one thing, but she just kept her arms wrapped around him while he talked to the others at the table.
I thought about how long I had been in the ladies room, and it came to me that Collin probably thought I had gone on a walk like I said. He apparently had no idea I was still in the building, or he would clearly not be doing this. My heart felt heavy and out-of-joint like the center of my chest had hiccupped and my heart was now slightly out of place. I closed my eyes and let out a hopeless sigh.
I blinked, hoping against hope that I had been dreaming and the blonde by his side would be gone when I looked up, but I had no such luck. They stood there, continuing to talk and laugh. I had the pleasure of watching as Collin lovingly patted her waist and leaned down so that she could place a kiss on his cheek. Someone walked by me right when the kiss happened, and I gasped at being startled.
"Sorry," the guy said since he hadn't seen me.
I smiled. "Oh, it's my fault. I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
I was giving him false information he didn't even need, but I had to babble because my only other alternative would be to burst out crying. One more glance in Collin's direction, and I saw
that he was smiling and waving to everyone at the table as he headed back toward the kitchen.
I waited until he was out of sight, and then I made my way to the front door. I moved as quickly as I could without drawing attention to myself. I heard someone say my last name while I was on my way, but I acted like I missed it completely. I had one thing on my mind, and that was getting out of that restaurant and as far away from Collin Ross as possible.
I didn't even realize how cold it was. My heart was pounding and hot blood coursed through my body as I navigated the sidewalk toward the bookstore. I was about halfway there when I realized there was no reason for me to go to the bookstore at all.
I stopped to hail a cab and was thankful that one saw me right away. I told the driver my address and rested my head on the seatback, unable to get the vision of Collin with the blonde out of my head. I tried to tell myself it was his sister, but I knew that wasn't the case, because she was married with kids and lived in New Hampshire right down the road from his parents. Plus, I had seen her picture, and she was not blonde.
I tried to tell myself it could have just been a friend or fan of his, but the familiar way she held onto him stuck in my head. There was just no denying it—the blonde in the restaurant was showing him affection, and he was returning it. Maybe this shouldn't be such a terrible thing—I mean it's not like he stood there and made out with her or anything. But he showed her affection, and I just wasn't the type of girl who was secure enough to watch him do that.
I tried to tell myself it wasn't a big deal, but I just kept seeing the scene over and over again with her arms wrapped around his middle. Way too familiar. She was pretty, too, at least what I could see of her from where I was standing.
Lights and the sights of the city flashed past me as I rode home in the cab, but I didn’t really see any of it.
Chapter 11
I was completely out of it the whole way to my apartment. It was freezing, and it had begun to sleet, which added to the haziness of it all.
I felt sick.
My cab ride lasted the better part of an hour. It took even longer than it should have because the driver made a wrong turn, and even then, I was too out-of-it to care. In my ponderings, I decided that even if, by some chance, there had been a misunderstanding, there was still something wrong with my reaction to seeing him with that woman. I had seen enough movies and read enough books in my life to know that misunderstandings like this happened, but I just couldn’t live this scared, this skeptical, this paranoid. Even if there was nothing going on between Collin and that blonde, I couldn't go on getting broken hearted every time I saw him hug one of his customers.
I went through the motions of greeting my doorman, but I was glad for the sleet so that I could walk past him in a hurry. In a blur, I unlocked my apartment, tossed my coat onto the catchall, and crossed the living room where I collapsed onto the couch. My phone was in the back pocket of my pants, and I shifted so that I could take it out and set it on the coffee table. I knew I had to contact Collin, but I was still undecided as to what I'd say. It took me a few minutes of grasping for as much logic and reason as I could to decide to be as vague and gracious as possible. I made a specific effort to be unemotional as I typed out a text to him.
Me: "Hey, I went ahead and came home. I'm not feeling my best, and I know you have a lot to do. We'll hook up when you get back from London. You'll be missed. Thanks again for dinner, I had fun."
It was a long text, but I didn't want to take any of it out. I thought it was necessary to put things about missing him and hooking up again later because we had already grown too close for me not to acknowledge that I'd miss him.
My heart fluttered as I pressed send, and I sat there reading the text I had just written two or three more times. I watched my phone for about a minute, but when he didn't text me back within that time, I went into my bedroom.
I turned on the television for background noise and took a shower. I was almost certain Lu wouldn't be home soon, but either way, I kept my bedroom door closed so I wouldn't be disturbed.
I had just gotten out of the shower and was channel surfing when my phone rang. I gasped before I leaned over to grab my phone. I stared at the screen, which clearly told me there was an incoming call from Collin.
I sat there and held the phone in my hand, feeling like too much of a coward to pick it up. I didn't want to press decline, so I just held the phone until it stopped ringing, which seemed like an eternity.
My heart raced as I waited to see if he'd leave a message. I was staring at my phone when a text message popped up on my screen.
Collin: "Are you here?"
Obviously, he thought I was still waiting for him at his restaurant. I knew if I didn't text him back that I ran the risk of him coming over here, which I did not want. I had already wasted enough of Collin's time on a day that didn’t have enough hours.
Me: "Did you get my text? I'm here at my apartment. Sorry I missed your call just now. I'm not feeling good and decided to come home."
I pressed send, and within seconds, I heard back from him.
Collin: "I'll be done in an hour. I'm sorry you're sick. Can I bring you something? I hope it wasn't the food."
Me: "No, it's not the food. I think it's allergies. It works out. I know you have to wake up early to catch your flight. Thanks again for tonight!" I included a kissy face emoji because I knew it'd be suspicious if I quit cold turkey on little sentiments like that.
Collin: "I wish I could see you before I go. I'm almost done here."
Me: "I think I'm gonna hit the sack."
Collin: "Pick up your phone."
Within seconds, my phone was vibrating. It all happened so fast that I let out a little screech and tossed my phone onto the bed next to me as if it were a hot potato. But I knew I had to answer the call, so just as quick as I tossed it down, I picked it up again, pressing the button to answer the call.
"Heyyy," I said, trying to sound groggy.
"You okay?" he asked.
"Yeah, I, just, I knew you had a lot of work to do tonight, and it worked out because I was sort of tired and under the weather. I think it's the sleet making my allergies flare up."
I clinched my fist and pinched my eyes shut, telling myself to be quiet and stop giving him too much information. I could hear the hustle and bustle of the restaurant around him, and I felt sick that he was taking time out of his night to worry about me.
"The thing that helps me when I get like this is sleep, so I'm gonna go ahead and hit the sack," I said, groggily.
"Sarah, be straight with me," Collin said in an impassive tone. "What's going on?"
"I don't want to see you," I said honestly after a few seconds hesitation.
"Did I do something?"
"No, you didn't," I said. "It's me."
"The old, it's not you, it's me, thing?" he asked. "Is that what you're doing?"
"Yeah, but it really is me," I said.
"So, you just changed your mind about being with me," he asked.
"I wasn't with you," I said. "We're not…" I trailed off.
"We're not what, Sarah?"
"We're not a thing."
Collin breathed a humorless laugh. "Seriously?" he asked.
My heart pounded and ached at the same time. My chest was a chaotic mess.
"It's my fault," I said. "It's the trust stuff. I should be able to see some girl's arms around you and be cool and confident with that, but I can't. It's me, not you, just like I said." I started to hang up after I said that, but I caught myself, and instead waited to see what he would say.
"What are you talking about?" he asked.
"The blonde."
"My little cousin?" he asked. "At the table in the corner? Elaina. She just turned eighteen, and she wants to start working at one of my restaurants."
There was a short silence.
"I honestly knew in the back of my mind it was probably some kind of misunderstanding," I said. "I had already considered that
. But the point is that I'm still afraid, Collin. It's the trust thing. It's something I need to work on—something I have to figure out for myself. I don't want to drag you into it."
"You have to forgive them, Sarah—all those men in your life who made wrong choices—all the women, too, for that matter—everyone who wrongs you. You have to forgive them. I heard one time that unforgiveness is like drinking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die. You're wishing harm, or at least justice, on the person who wrongs you, but all that's happening is you're stuck remembering it. You're the one drinking the poison."
I had never heard that before, and I did my best to let his analogy sink in, even though it all still felt a bit like I was in a dream and it didn't really apply.
"You have to forgive people, Sarah, or you'll never be able to trust."
"That's exactly what I'm telling you," I said (even though I was sure he was saying it much better than I was). "I'm not able to trust, and I don’t want to drag you into that."
"Too late. I'm already drug," he said.
Instantly, an ember of joy and hope to begin bubbling somewhere deep inside me.
"I have to go," he said. "Please reconsider and let me come by on my way home, Sarah. I really want to see you before I leave for London."
"Okay," I said.
"Okay," he agreed. "I'll be here for roughly another hour. I'll call when I'm on my way."
"Okay," I said. "See you soon."
"See you in a bit," he said, in a way that meant goodbye. He was already talking to someone else as he hung up the phone with me, and I heard them telling him something about a shipment of fish. I hung up the phone and held it to my chest, feeling overjoyed about learning the identity of the mystery blonde, and utterly gobsmacked at the fact that Collin was coming over when I seriously had myself convinced I would never see him again. I stared at the ceiling of my bedroom, thinking about that rat poison analogy and wondering if I had truly forgiven the people in my life who had hurt me. I thought I had forgiven them, but maybe I hadn't.
JFK to Dublin (Shower & Shelter Artist Collective Book 1) Page 7