Winter at West Sands Guest House

by Maggie Conway

  Eva could pinpoint the exact moment anxiety became part of her life. It had been the moment she opened her front door in the small cottage she and Paul rented near Aviemore to find two police officers on the doorstep. She knew by their sympathetic, sombre expressions it wasn’t going to be good news. Paul had been in an accident and had been taken to hospital. With her heart pounding and stomach churning, Eva lifted Jamie from his bed and bundled him into the back of the police car. Even before they arrived at the hospital in Inverness, Eva was able to guess what had happened.

  Paul had often described to her the joys of skiing off-piste. He said there was no sensation on earth to match the freedom of floating down a remote mountainside on fresh powder. He’d always tried to convince her he was safe, telling her he was avalanche aware and that he had all the right safety equipment. He even quoted statistics – skiing had proportionately fewer fatalities than cycling or swimming.

  After Jamie was born, Eva had made Paul promise not to go off-piste but she knew he hadn’t been able to resist. He’d been with a friend who had managed to call for help but it was too late. By the time they reached the hospital, Paul had died from a head injury after falling and probably hitting a hidden rock. Eva had no chance to see him one last time. All that life, all that energy wiped out in an instant. That night, something deep inside her had shifted – a cold fear had crept in and never really left.

  Although life had moved on, anxiety had stayed as an unwelcome guest. Eva could always feel it, like a cold hand on her shoulder, ready to squeeze fear into her at any moment, a terrible legacy from that day. Since then, Eva had done everything possible to keep life stable and safe for her and Jamie. She knew that had led to her being overprotective, trying to control too much. She didn’t want the unexpected or unknown in her life and yet in the last few days she felt something changing.

  And Eva knew it was because of Ben. He was making her feel different, as if she was stepping out of a shell she had created. She thought about Jamie’s trip and knew she couldn’t put her decision off any longer. Of course she wanted him to go and have an amazing time. As uneasy as it made her feel, she knew she had to try not to give in to her fears. It wasn’t fair on Jamie. Had Ben’s words made a difference? Did knowing he was now next door make her feel more secure in some way? She wasn’t sure.

  What she did know was that life was changing and something deep within her was shifting. Jamie was growing up and she knew she had to try and embrace the change. Eva sat for a long time and finally she felt a sense of calm. Outside she could see the light beginning to reclaim the day. She took a final deep breath and knew it was time to tell Jamie he could go.

  ***

  Ben’s tutorial on thermal physics had just ended and he was back in his office sitting at his desk. It was Friday afternoon and outside darkness was looming so he switched on his small desk lamp for extra light. His office at the university was a tiny, cramped room at the end of a long corridor in the physics building. There was a small window overlooking the quadrangle and just enough room for a desk, a chair, and a bookshelf. Ben loved it.

  Slowly he could start to feel his life in London fade away. Almost as if he was recovering from living in the city, from the constant barrage of sights and sounds that had assaulted his senses every day. He thought about his old life – on and off the tube, the crowds and fumes and the gruelling hours. He had been a cog in a never-ending wheel of money-making madness and he was relieved he was no longer part of it.

  Now he could breathe again, think again. He felt himself slipping back into the life he’d once known but had given up. He was beginning to find his feet again – running workshops and tutorials, preparing lectures – it all came back to him.

  As he felt his old life begin to ebb away, so he began to feel more settled here and that included thinking about Eva Harris. It was slightly unnerving how easily thoughts of her seemed to flow into his mind and invade his thinking. Opening up to her in the past few days and revealing so much about himself had felt alien to him at first. When he arrived here, his plan had been to concentrate on work and keep contact with people to a minimum. But as soon as he was in her presence something changed; he felt a different person.

  He had pondered if the arrangement for Eva to decorate his house was a wise one, but not for long. He knew there was no way he was going to turn down her offer. There was something appealing about the idea of her being around. Just the thought of her in his house made it feel warmer somehow, as if she was breathing new life into it. He told himself he shouldn’t overthink it. She was being friendly and helpful – that was all. Although he hadn’t expected her offer, it didn’t totally surprise him either.

  She had an energy and openness about her that he found compelling. She had genuinely sounded keen to do the work and she clearly knew exactly what she was doing. Plus it would give him time to decide what to do. Whatever his plans for the house it wouldn’t do any harm to have the front room decorated. He had enjoyed sitting and sharing pizza and helping Jamie with his homework far more than he cared to admit. Jamie seemed a great kid, polite and friendly, and he was genuinely looking forward to helping him again and, of course, teaching him to play chess.

  He had no doubt Eva was an amazing mother – that much was obvious and he admired her strength for coping the way she did. He had no intentions of intruding where he wasn’t wanted or needed but he wondered if she missed having someone, if she still grieved for her husband, still longed for him. She had suggested that they had wanted different things but that didn’t mean they hadn’t been committed to each other and nothing could take away the bond of having a child together.

  Eva had come round a couple of days ago and he’d helped her shift the furniture from the front room into the hall where she’d thrown dust sheets over everything. He’d given her back the spare keys and they’d agreed she would come and go when Jamie was at school. This morning he’d noticed she had made a start stripping the wallpaper but he was leaving her to it, not wanting her to think he was checking up on her.

  Managing to drag his thoughts away from Eva he unlocked his drawer and pulled out a pile of essays for marking. He took the first essay from the top and read the first sentence when a knock at the door interrupted him.

  ‘Hi, Ben.’

  Ben looked up and silently cursed when he saw Kat Morgan. A newly minted PhD graduate, she was working under the direction of Professor Drummond and had just started a two-year post to gain experience planning research projects and managing students. Ben was all for ambition, but hers came with a pushiness he had no time for.

  Ben suspected her casual clothes were in fact precisely calculated for maximum effect – her top just low enough to reveal a hint of cleavage, the jeans tight enough to leave little to the imagination. Her dark hair fell below her shoulders and her face was a mask of heavy make-up. When he’d first been introduced to her she had smiled, her handshake lingering that little bit too long. His first instinct had been to keep his distance and nothing had changed that, except all these unannounced visits to his office were making that difficult to do. She closed the door behind her and strolled over, perching herself on the corner of his desk.

  ‘How’re you doing?’ she asked coyly as Ben automatically moved back in his seat.

  ‘Um, good thanks.’

  ‘It’s almost five o clock on Friday, Ben. What are you still doing at your desk?’

  He patted the pile of essays in front of him. ‘Just about to start some marking,’ he told her.

  ‘A few of us going for drinks – fancy joining us?’

  Ben shook his head apologetically. ‘Not tonight thanks. I’m going to stay on for a bit and then get home.’

  ‘I’ll let you off this time.’ She petted her lips in an exaggerated manner and twisted a coil of hair round her finger. ‘But you haven’t forgotten the seminar next week? Remember I’m collecting you.’

  Damn, he’d forgotten he’d agreed to that. Professor Drummond had ask
ed Ben to attend a two-day seminar at Glasgow University. Kat had cornered him a few days ago, suggesting she pick him up, and Ben hadn’t been quick enough to come up with an excuse. He’d been busy at the time and had tried to think of some way to extract himself from the situation but failed miserably.

  ‘Er, sure. I’ll see you then,’ he muttered. She looked at him expectantly.

  ‘I’ll need your address silly, won’t I?’ Reluctantly he gave his address, just happy to have her leave his office but not before she gave a coquettish little wave. Ben grimaced and turned his attention back to his marking.

  After a few fruitless minutes Ben knew his concentration had been broken and realizing he was hungry decided to head back to his house. He could make something to eat and carry on with his marking there. He packed up and started the walk home, the peace and quiet of St Andrews still a welcome novelty.

  Just as he turned a corner he saw Jamie ahead of him, sauntering along seemingly in a world of his own. He was laden down with bags, his jacket and a racquet, which clattered to the ground just as Ben caught up with him. He reached down to pick it up, smiling up at Jamie.

  ‘Hello, Jamie.’

  ‘Hi, Ben!’ The boy grinned back and Ben thought he looked happy to have company.

  ‘I can carry this for you. You look a bit weighed down. Are you heading home?’

  ‘Thanks. We were playing football and one of the boys hurt his leg so we waited for his mum to come and collect him and then she decided he needed to go to the hospital so I’m, like, really late. Mum’s gonna be mad with me.’

  Ben smiled to himself. He hadn’t exactly been hurrying. ‘Does she know you’re on your way home now?’

  ‘Er, no.’

  ‘Why don’t you give her a quick call – I know you’ll be home in a few minutes but it’ll be good for her to know. Always best to keep your mum happy, eh?’ He winked conspiratorially.

  Ben remembered that age, a tricky time. Hormones, girls, schoolwork … lots of changes to cope with. Like Jamie he’d lost his father and he knew how it felt to be an only child. He recalled his own mother worrying about him and with no siblings, being her sole focus could be overpowering at times. Only when he was older did he realize how special it was to have that unconditional love. With the call made, they continued on their way.

  ‘Do you have a game of football tomorrow?’ Ben asked.

  ‘Yeah,’ Jamie sighed heavily.

  ‘You don’t sound too happy about it – are you up against a difficult team?’

  ‘Nah, we’ll beat them no bother. It’s after the game. Some of the boys are going to the cinema to see the new Star Wars film but I can’t go ’cos I promised Mum I’d go to a training class with Hamish.’

  ‘Ah well, you need to keep your promise then. I’m sure you’ll get to see the film another time,’ Ben consoled but had to admit he could understand some of the boy’s angst at having to miss what had been his favourite films at his age.

  ‘Suppose,’ Jamie murmured not sounding too convinced.

  ‘Have you seen the original Star War films?’ Ben asked. ‘Think the first one was late 1970s – they were a different class.’

  ‘Uh-uh, don’t think so.’

  They turned into their street, Ben noticing the stark contrast between the two houses waiting for them. His house lay in darkness while light glowed from the other. Eva had come to the door now, her eyes seeking out her son and then shifting to Ben. Jamie had been chatting continuously and carried on as they reached Eva.

  ‘My friend Fraser’s big brother is at the university and he said they’ve got a great sports bit. He said you can do almost any sport you want – American football, judo, and everything. Do you get to do all that if you want?’ He looked up at Ben earnestly.

  ‘I guess so, yes.’

  ‘I’d love to try all those things,’ Jamie exclaimed eagerly.

  ‘Well, I know the university runs sport taster days. Maybe I can take you and your friend along to the next one so you can try a few things?’

  Jamie’s face lit up. ‘Really? That’d be awesome!’

  Ben hoped he hadn’t overstepped a mark but noticed Eva rolling her eyes jokingly in exasperation at her son before ushering him into the warm house.

  ‘Think you’ve just made someone’s day.’ She laughed.

  ‘Well, I keep meaning to investigate the sports department and haven’t got round to it so I guess this way I’ll have to go.’

  A delicious aroma of cooking infused the air between them and for a moment he imagined eating with Eva and Jamie again before pulling himself together. They looked at each other for what felt like a long moment and Ben realized he needed to say something.

  ‘I should …’

  ‘Would you …’

  ‘Sorry you go first,’ Eva said.

  He discarded the image of a shared meal, tightening his grip on the bag containing his students’ essays – that was the reality of his evening. ‘I’ve got a pile of marking – I should really get home,’ he said.

  ‘Oh, of course,’ Eva replied. ‘And thank you.’ She took the racquet from Ben’s hands and they shared a smile before Ben turned to go back to his house.

  Chapter Seven

  Eva pulled off her rubber gloves and stretched out her back. Finally, she had removed all the wallpaper. She had spent the past two days in a cloud of steam, stripping off layers of wallpaper that had been up so long it had flaked away in little pieces and fallen at her feet in a sticky mess. But now at last it was all off and the room looked much bigger and brighter.

  She glugged a mouthful of water from her bottle and then, after a short break, set about lifting the carpet. Donning her heavy work gloves she used her knife and started to cut the carpet into manageable strips before rolling them up. Who needed the gym she thought hurling bits of carpet into a corner of the room. Eva was pleasantly surprised to discover the wooden floorboards were in good condition. It wouldn’t take too much effort to restore them to their original glory – some sanding and varnish and they would look lovely.

  Much later, covered in sweat and with aching muscles, Eva surveyed the room. Apart from a bit of plastering where the leak had caused damage, the room was ready for decorating. She had created a blank canvas to work with and, most importantly, it no longer felt like the MacKenzies’ room. It felt a little sad, as though Eva was stripping away their memories, but she knew they’d had a happy life here and now it was someone else’s turn. Would that person be Ben? she pondered.

  Knowing she was working in Ben’s house – doing it all for him – felt personal, made her feel connected to him, but as she gazed around the room now, it dawned on Eva she had no real plan what to do next. Usually her mind was brimming with ideas and colour schemes. She’d always found it easy decorating her own home but with a sinking feeling realized all her creative thoughts seem to have floated off somewhere else.

  As if looking for inspiration she wandered into the hall where boxes remained unopened, a clear sign that Ben hadn’t made up his mind about staying, and Eva felt her heart drop. Feeling horribly nosy but unable to stop herself, she walked through to the kitchen. She wasn’t sure what she was looking for but wanted to see if she could get more of a feel for Ben’s life that might give her clues for decorating.

  As in her own house the kitchen was a large, bright space but there was nothing to suggest Ben was cooking or even spending much time here. Some fruit – not too fresh-looking – and an opened packet of biscuits lay on the worktop and several dirty mugs competed for space with a stack of books on the table. In one way she supposed it was typical for a man living on his own but there was also something sad – an emptiness – like seeing a life on hold.

  She couldn’t see any personal touches or anything to show he intended to stay and certainly no hints of his personality that might help with her decorating. She thought about what she did know about him. She knew he had experienced loss and that his relationship had ended. She had detected a se
rious, studious side to him but also a very human side. She had observed how good he was with her son.

  Watching him and Jamie walking home the other night and chatting so naturally she had felt her heart do a little dance in her chest. Jamie responding so positively to Ben was lovely but she hoped she wasn’t making a mistake allowing her son to form a bond with him. She had missed the MacKenzies dreadfully at the beginning but the truth was she was beginning to get used to Ben as her new neighbour.

  Thinking about him now Eva felt the stirrings of something. She couldn’t identify the exact feeling – part fear, part exhilaration. She was beginning to realize how much it mattered to her that Ben liked what she created. Whatever her motives had been when she first offered to do the job, it was beginning to feel about much more than paint and wallpaper, almost as if she was investing part of herself into the project. The sudden knowledge that she didn’t want him to leave struck her with her a force that left her feeling bewildered and she bolted out of the kitchen as if she’d been caught trespassing.

  With forced concentration she focused on tidying up: folding up the stepladders, packing away her tools, and tucking all thoughts of Ben neatly to the back of her mind. It had been a long day and her early start was finally catching up with her. This morning she had told Jamie he could go on the trip. Remembering the expression on his face made her smile. Breaking his own no-hugging rule, he had voluntarily wrapped his arms around her.

  ‘Thanks, Mum! I love you.’

  ‘I love you too,’ she had replied, holding him tightly.

  ***

  The aroma of freshly brewed coffee met Eva as she walked into The Coffee Hut on Saturday morning. Heather was already settled at their usual table and waved over to her. Eva shrugged off her jacket and flopped down beside her, grateful for the seat.