Winter at West Sands Guest House

by Maggie Conway

  ‘How long have they been gone?’

  ‘Almost an hour I think … I just know he wouldn’t take that long unless something had happened. I’m out going to look for them.’

  Ben placed his hands gently on the top of her shoulders forcing her to look at him.

  ‘Listen to me. They’ll be all right. Jamie’s a sensible boy.’ He hoped his reassurance would somehow infiltrate her panic. The look of fear on her face was almost destroying him.

  ‘I have to go and find him,’ she said determinedly, starting to move away from him.

  ‘Eva, what if he comes back and you’re not here? You have to stay here and let me go. Have you any idea where they might walk?’

  Eva ran a hand distractedly through her hair. ‘Not really – I thought they’d go to the end of the street and back.’

  Ben took a step closer to her, took her hand in his. ‘It’s going to be okay. I’ll bring them back.’ Eva looked at him with huge eyes, and nodded mutely.

  Ben pulled up his hood against the rain and headed straight to the beach. Despite reassuring Eva, he didn’t like the idea of Jamie being out in this and the water was his biggest fear. Within seconds he was drenched and as he approached the beach he could see the wind whipping at the water’s edge and thought how easy it would be to become disorientated in this weather.

  Wherever he was, he hoped Jamie wasn’t frightened. Images flashed into his mind of the time he’d got lost on holiday and he hated to think of Eva now and how frantic she must be. He continued to walk along the water’s edge scouring the wet sand for footprints, the wind buffeting against his body.

  He walked the full length of beach shouting out Jamie’s name, then Hamish’s but the wind snatched his voice away. By the time he reached an outcrop of rocks at the end of beach there was still no sign of them and he started back the way he’d come, this time keeping in close to the shelter of the dunes.

  After a few minutes, he stopped dead in his tracks, listening to a noise. Barking. He kept walking, following the sound at it became louder and suddenly, out of the darkness Hamish appeared. Behind him, looking small and exhausted, was Jamie.

  ‘Jamie!’ Ben raced towards them and bent down to him, holding him by the shoulders. ‘Are you all right?’

  ‘I – I’m okay,’ his voice sounded small. ‘Is Mum angry?’

  ‘Of course she’s not. She’s worried sick but she’s going to be so happy to see you. Come on, let’s get you home.’

  ***

  ‘I can see them! Ben’s coming with Jamie and Hamish,’ Heather called from the window where she’d been looking out while Eva paced up and down. She had come straight from her mother’s house after Douglas had relayed Eva’s phone call to her.

  ‘Look – they’re here.’

  Eva joined her at the window, hardly daring to believe Jamie was coming home. Relief flooded her body, every fibre of her being thankful to see her son. She cried out as he came through the door. Ben and Hamish following behind, all of them looking miserable and soaked to the skin.

  ‘Oh, Jamie! Are you all right? I’m so sorry – I should never have asked you to go out.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Mum.’ His voice wobbled for a moment before he gave her a small smile. ‘I’m fine, honest. Just a bit wet and cold,’ he tried to reassure her through chattering teeth. Eva wrapped her arms around him and held him close, breathing him in. He was safe. She pulled away from him, watching him closely.

  ‘What happened? Where did you go?’

  ‘You looked kind of angry so I thought I better take Hamish for a long walk. We went all the way up North Street and then along Market Street …’

  Eva bit her lip as she listened.

  ‘Then we came back down towards the beach. My hands were like really cold and wet and the lead just kind of slipped. Hamish ran off and I just couldn’t get him back. Every time I got near him, he kept running off. I think he thought it was a game. I managed to get hold of him at the dunes and that’s where Ben found us.’

  ‘Oh, Jamie.’ Eva put her hand over her mouth, half laughing, half crying.

  ‘Are you angry with Hamish?’ Jamie asked uncertainly.

  She looked at the dog who let out a little whimper and she realized how relieved she was to see him too. In that moment she knew he was part of their family.

  ‘No, of course not,’ she reassured Jamie giving Hamish a cuddle.

  Heather had swung into full maternal mode and had miraculously appeared with towels and hot chocolate for Jamie. Eva realized Ben and Heather hadn’t actually met yet and Heather was now introducing herself to him, unashamedly giving him the once-over. She turned to Eva, mouthing ‘Oh my God!’ before switching her attention to Jamie.

  ‘Right, a hot shower for you, young man. And don’t look at me like that. I’ll leave you to it, don’t worry.’

  Eva glanced over to where Ben was rubbing a towel over his hair, his eyes fixed on her. His breathing was heavy, his hair and clothes were damp, and even though she could hardly think straight, some part of her registered how wantonly gorgeous he looked. ‘Thank you for bringing Jamie home.’ She hated that her voice sounded so remote but she couldn’t help it.

  ‘Are you all right?’ he asked.

  She nodded but wasn’t sure at all. Her head seemed to be full of nightmare images of Jamie and water and her whole body was feeling weak, her eyes unable to focus properly. She blinked a few times, reaching out to try and steady herself before suddenly everything went black.

  ‘Whoa there.’ She heard Ben’s deep voice, vaguely aware of his arms reaching to catch her just as her legs gave way.

  A few moments later Ben’s face came into focus. She was surprised to find herself sitting on the floor, Ben beside her. She shook her head.

  ‘Oh God, what happened?’

  ‘It’s okay – just take it easy. You fainted, but only for a second.’

  Eva remained on the floor, feeling herself supported by one of Ben’s legs as he crouched beside her. He was studying her, concern etched on his face. ‘Eva, what happened to your finger?’

  ‘What? Oh, I cut it earlier,’ she mumbled vaguely. Ben exchanged a look with Heather.

  ‘Can I take a look at it?’ Ben gently unwound the dressing she’d applied earlier and she saw him flinch as he examined her finger. ‘That’s going to need a couple of stitches. I’m taking you to hospital.’

  Eva shook her head, which only made her feel more dizzy. ‘No way, I’m fine. I’ve just got a cold. I’m not leaving Jamie … or the guests.’ Eva attempted to stand but her legs had other ideas. Jamie came over and sat beside her.

  ‘I’m fine, Mum, honest. You look a lot worse than me.’

  ‘Thanks.’ Eva turned to him with a watery smile.

  ‘I think what he’s trying to say is you need a bit of looking after yourself,’ Heather told her. ‘I’ll stay here and get Jamie sorted and then I’m going to stay the night.’

  ‘You can’t do that,’ Eva protested.

  ‘I’ve already arranged everything with Douglas. I’ll look after Jamie and be here for the guests if they need anything. I’ll take the third guest room – it’ll be like a mini-break for me.’ She smiled but her expression left no room for disagreement.

  ‘Jamie, will you be okay? I won’t be long.’ Eva’s eyes rested on her son.

  ‘Don’t worry about me, Mum.’ He came over looking a bit sheepish and cuddled into her.

  ‘I must look bad to get a hug,’ she joked feebly.

  Heather ushered Jamie upstairs as Ben helped Eva with her jacket. She was aware how tender he was being but somehow that made her feel worse. She longed to let him wrap his arms around her but something stopped her and she felt herself tense as his arm guided her out to the car.

  The drive to the hospital took longer because of the rain. Eva glanced over to Ben, his hands gripping the wheel as he concentrated on driving. His jaw was shadowed by stubble and he looked tired. Eva didn’t know why Ben had gone to London but i
t didn’t seem to matter any more. She surrendered herself to the warmth and comfort of the car, almost disappointed when they finally arrived at the hospital car park. Ben swung the car into a space, pulling hard on the handbrake.

  The rain still fell as they crossed the tarmac and walked through the sliding doors into the brightly lit, sterile hospital world of the hospital. Eva gave her details to the receptionist and they made their way to the waiting room. As Eva sat on one of the plastic chairs Ben went over to the drinks machine and dug in his pocket for change. He brought over a polystyrene cup and handed it to Eva.

  ‘Try and drink this – it’s sweet tea.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  He sat down close beside her and Eva fought the urge to lean in to him. Longing and apprehension fought within her and fear won.

  ‘Are you okay?’ he asked, taking her hand in his.

  She nodded. ‘Just a bit groggy.’

  ‘Sounds like you’ve had an eventful few days.’

  ‘Yeah, you could say that.’ The morning she’d woken with him now felt like a lifetime away. ‘I’m sorry … for all of this.’ She waved a hand distractedly in the air.

  He frowned. ‘You don’t need to apologize, Eva.’ They both stared absently at the television screen mounted on the wall, and Eva felt restless, impatient to get home.

  ‘I hope this doesn’t take long. I need to get back for Jamie and the guests.’

  ‘Try to relax. Heather’s with Jamie and I’m here for you. I can help you with anything –’

  ‘I don’t need anyone’s help.’ Her words sounded harsher than she meant but his concern was confusing her, making her feel defensive. ‘I’m sorry – I just mean I can manage on my own.’ Ben turned to her, his hand tightening over hers.

  ‘You got my text? I didn’t have time to contact you again –’

  ‘You don’t have to tell me your movements,’ she said, ignoring the hurt look in his eyes. Despite everything she felt for Ben, right now she felt vulnerable and hated it. Not knowing where Jamie had been had brought so many fears to the surface. She was tired and her finger throbbed. ‘I’m sorry, I … I’m tired, that’s all,’ she apologized just as a nurse appeared and called her name.

  Chapter Fourteen

  ‘Well, that was hard work,’ puffed Heather, collapsing dramatically onto Ben’s leather sofa. ‘I thought for a moment there, we weren’t going to do it.’

  ‘I’m not sure how we did but thanks for helping me.’ Eva was perched on the opposite sofa, catching her breath. Somehow, they had managed to lift Ben’s two sofas from the hall, angling them back and forth through the doorway until finally they were back in the living room. The process had involved a fair amount of sweating and swearing.

  ‘How’s your finger now?’

  Eva held it up. ‘Dissolving. Well, the stitches are anyway.’ Eva had been given two stitches at the hospital and Ben had driven her home, a horrible silence settling over them. In one way there was so much to say but the air between them felt so tense, neither of them seemed capable of finding the right thing to say. Ben had driven with a grim determination as if sensing Eva’s need to get home to Jamie. She had thanked him and said goodnight and found Heather waiting for her.

  Eva had gone straight to see Jamie and had sat watching him sleeping until she could hardly keep her own eyes open. After a good night’s sleep and a couple of strong painkillers Eva was feeling better by the next morning and well enough to attend to her guests. Everything had gone smoothly with their stay and they had checked out on Wednesday morning seemingly none the wiser to the drama that had unfolded on Monday night. Even Dr Hargreaves bid farewell with a smile.

  ‘Is Jamie okay after his ordeal?’ Heather asked now.

  ‘He’s right as rain – you know what kids are like. I don’t know what I would have done without you that night.’

  ‘It wasn’t only me.’ Heather shot her a meaningful look, which Eva ignored. ‘Have you seen Ben?’

  ‘Er, not since that night,’ Eva answered lightly.

  ‘I hope you’re not avoiding him.’

  ‘Why would I do that?’

  ‘You tell me. I sense you’re holding back in some way and I can only imagine what’s going on inside that head of yours.’

  ‘I’ve been busy, that’s all. I wanted to get this room finished.’

  Heather stood up casting her a sceptical look. ‘And it looks wonderful, it really does, but you should speak to him. And soon.’

  ‘I will.’

  ‘Good because he really is heavenly,’ Heather gushed. ‘Did you see the way he looked at you?’

  Eva smiled despite herself. ‘An incurable romantic, aren’t you?’

  ‘All the time I’ve known you, you’ve worked so hard, Eva. I just think it’s time you did something for yourself. It is all right for you to have a life you know,’ Heather said picking up her bag. ‘Talk to him, that’s all I’m saying. Now, I need to go and collect some children from somewhere.’

  Eva shook her head in wonder. ‘I don’t know how you keep track.’

  Eva waved Heather off and Ben’s house fell silent. Eva was alone with her thoughts. Did she have a chance of real happiness? She didn’t think so, because now she knew there could be no future for her and Ben.

  She’d had a terrible, sleepless night thinking until her head hurt. The conclusion she had reached, sometime around three in the morning, wasn’t one she was happy with but she saw no other way. Her body might want Ben but she’d been unable to reconcile her physical longing with her jumbled thoughts.

  She picked up a cloth and spray and started to give the windows a good clean, finding herself mulling over everything again.

  Although no harm had come to Jamie, Eva had felt genuine fear for the time he was missing. All the years she had coped, dealing with all the highs and lows of bringing up a child on her own but in that moment when fear had gripped her, she had wanted to run to Ben. Instinctively she had wanted to go to him and for him to somehow make it better. She had felt unable to cope – and admitting she needed Ben wasn’t something that sat comfortably with her; in fact it terrified her.

  She thought of the life she had with Jamie. He was the single most important thing in her life. She knew in some ways she had created a bubble for her and Jamie, a place where she felt safe. That had meant keeping Jamie close, focusing on her business and now she realized it also meant not letting anyone in because she never wanted to rely on someone who might not always be there. She didn’t have the luxury of making a mistake, not when she had her son to look after.

  She had let Ben infiltrate her safe nest, imagined what life could be like with him, little scenarios playing out in her head. Family occasions, school concerts, and sports days – all those things she had got through by herself. She had let herself get carried away.

  Eva shook her head, rubbing hard at a streak that had appeared on the window, feeling angry with herself. She had put herself before Jamie. For those few hours she hadn’t made him her priority and now she was paying the price. Somehow she had lost control of things – feeling unwell, cutting her finger, putting Jamie in danger. The sequence of events all led back to her letting Ben in.

  Things had moved too fast. She had given in to her desire too quickly and guilt was eating her up from the inside. Being with Ben had affected her judgement and she had let her guard down. But now she knew what she had to do. She needed to go back to the life she had before Ben.

  She stood back, content to see the windows now gleaming, and then pulled out her phone to check the time. Jamie had football after school so there was no rush. She took a long look around the room. With the sofas now in place, the room was finished and she hoped with all her heart Ben liked it.

  The room had changed beyond recognition since the MacKenzies lived here and Eva hoped it would be filled with life and happiness again one day. Like all families they’d had their ups and downs but they’d been strong and loving and always there for each other. And w
asn’t that what everyone wanted after all? It was certainly all she had ever wanted.

  She wasn’t surprised when she heard the key in the door. Maybe in some ways she’d been hoping for Ben to come home so they could have the conversation she knew they had to have. Ignoring her pounding heart she told herself she was doing the right thing. She squared her shoulders, attempting a brightness she didn’t feel, and by the time Ben appeared at the living room door, her smile was in place.

  ***

  Ben guessed Eva had been avoiding him. He understood how difficult it had been for her the night Jamie went missing and had instinctively given her space and time to work things through in her own mind. Today he couldn’t wait any longer; he had to see her. Her hair was held up messily with a clasp and she was wearing her dungarees that he loved so much. She greeted him with a smile but wouldn’t meet his eyes and his heart sank.

  ‘So, do you like it?’ she asked in an overbright voice, her arm sweeping around the room. Ben hadn’t stepped in the room for days even though he’d known she was close to finishing. Now he was staggered by the transformation, amazed how it had changed from an empty, lifeless space into a beautiful room. She had even managed to make his cold austere furniture look right somehow. Every detail had been thought of from the newly varnished floorboards to the freshly painted cornicing detail.

  For a moment he was lost for words. He knew how much effort this must have taken and she had done it for him. And yet the tension from her was tangible and he knew this moment wasn’t how either of them imagined it was going to be.

  ‘It’s incredible. I can hardly believe you did all this by yourself.’

  She at least managed a small smile in response but still avoided his gaze. ‘Do you like the colours?’

  ‘They’re great.’

  ‘I wanted something neutral but not wishy-washy. So I chose this mid-tone browny grey, which warms up the room and makes it feel cosy.’ She was talking quickly, moving around the room. ‘I painted it right to the ceiling to give the room height and you’ll see I did the woodwork a paler shade but in the same palette. I think white would have been too stark.’