Ben nodded as she continued, watching her closely.
‘I’ve put a rug down, with touches of blue in it, and I made you a floating shelf in the recess so you can put some of your books on it …’
‘Eva, stop.’
She turned, finally looking at him. ‘What is it?’
‘The room is lovely. Truly, it’s amazing what you’ve done. Thank you.’
‘You’re welcome.’ She looked down, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
‘Can we talk now?’
‘Um, sure.’
‘I want to tell you why I went away.’
‘I’ve said already, you don’t need to.’
‘I do. Please – sit with me.’ He took hold of her hand and gently pulled her down beside him on the sofa, keeping hold of her hand. ‘I went back to my house near London, where I grew up.’
‘I didn’t know you still had another home.’
‘I hadn’t told you about it – but only because it’s something I haven’t wanted to deal with.’ She met his eyes with a quizzical look.
‘After my mother moved into the care home, I didn’t know what to do with the house. After a while I rented it out –’
‘Really, you don’t have to explain …’
‘Please, Eva. Just hear me out. The tenants renting the house moved out so it’s been lying empty. I got a phone call to say the house had been broken into.’ He glanced down at Eva’s hand, took a deep breath.
‘The day I took my mother out of the house for the last time was the hardest day I’ve ever had to go through. I haven’t been back to the house for years – I haven’t been able to face it. But when I got the phone call I knew I had to deal with it. And I knew I could face it because of you.’
A small crease appeared on her forehead. ‘Why because of me?’
‘Because of the way you make me feel – like I could face anything.’
Eva stared at him for a moment then dropped her gaze, letting him continue.
‘When I came here, I wasn’t sure about anything any more. Arriving without Samantha I thought … I thought I’d be devastated. It didn’t take me long to work out what we had wasn’t much – just a mutually convenient relationship. The last thing I expected was to meet someone who could make me feel like you do. At first I didn’t know how to handle it. I couldn’t believe I could fall in love so quickly. But with you, everything feels right. You’re beautiful, caring, and strong – you make me happy. We haven’t known each other long but the time we’ve had together has meant more to me than I’ve ever known with anyone else. I’m so in love with you, Eva.’
Eva’s head was down and Ben couldn’t see her face and after a moment she slipped her hand out of his. She stood up and took a few steps away from him, creating a space between them. With her eyes still lowered to the floor she shook her head slightly.
‘I can’t do this – you and me. It’s too difficult,’ she said eventually.
Ben rose from the sofa and walked over to her. ‘Difficult how?’
‘I’m not saying I don’t have feelings for you because I do. What happened between us has been amazing – the night we had was amazing. But don’t you see? I put myself first and changed things. When Jamie went missing it was because I let my guard down.’
Ben frowned. ‘Bad things happen, Eva. You can’t control everything.’
She shook her head, a strand of hair falling from her clasp. ‘That moment I thought something terrible had happened, I was on my own. I’ve learnt to be self-reliant and I can’t change that now. Maybe I over-reacted when I didn’t know where Jamie was but that’s what you do when you’re alone. It’s down to me. Not anyone else.’
‘Eva, I can only imagine how hard it’s been for you on your own. But I think we have something special –’
‘Maybe we do, but I can’t take that risk. Do you know how frightened I was after Paul died? When I didn’t know where Jamie was I felt that fear again – I won’t put myself in that position again.’
‘How do you think Jamie would feel knowing you sacrificed your own happiness for him?’
She rounded on him, her eyes flashing with anger. ‘Don’t you dare bring him into this!’
Ben stepped back, holding his hands up in surrender. ‘I’m sorry – I would never tell you how to bring up your son.’ He ran a hand through his hair and when he spoke his voice was low and gentle. ‘You do an incredible job, Eva, and I respect that. I was only trying to make the point it’s impossible for you to protect him all the time. Life is full of risks but those risks are how he will learn and make him the man he will become. I’ll never be Jamie’s father but I can care. You and Jamie are a family and it would mean everything to me to be part of that family, Eva. Would you give us that chance – to be a family?’
Ben tensed, waiting for her to say something. She was looking at him and her eyes glistened with unshed tears. She took a breath as if composing herself and gave him a sad smile.
‘I’m sorry, Ben. I … I can’t commit to us. I need things to stay as they are.’ She lifted her hand and tenderly brushed his cheek and then turned and left. Ben stood, fists clenched by his sides, staring at the front door as if willing it to open and for Eva to walk back in.
As he turned, something caught his eye on the mantelpiece that he hadn’t noticed before. Beautifully mounted in a silver gilt frame was a photograph of Ben and his parents on the beach. It must have been taken the year before his dad died, their last family holiday. He hadn’t seen the photo for years but it had been one of the few things he had taken from his mother’s house. Eva must have found it in the box he had given her.
He stood motionless, staring at it. He could hardly bring himself to touch it and when he did, his hand was shaking. Knowing Eva had done this for him just made seeing her walk out a whole lot more difficult. Ben knew he had fallen deeply in love with Eva but hadn’t managed to find a way of telling her without frightening her.
He could see how hard she had worked to get the life she had and the last thing he wanted was to come and mess it up for her. He shook his head in frustration, not knowing how he could carry on living here and not be with her.
Chapter Fifteen
Eva sipped a glass of hot water and lemon, reminding herself it was supposed to be good for her. What had that article said? Rejuvenating, cleansing, healing. She definitely needed some of that. She tried not to think of her usual silky-smooth morning coffee. Things that tasted delicious weren’t necessarily good for you she thought savagely, enduring a few more sips before sloshing the rest down the sink. Next was a vitamin pill, anything to try to make her feel better.
Although not usually inclined to spend much time in front of a mirror, this morning Eva had studied her reflection and it hadn’t made for happy viewing. How had she managed to go from glowing to drab in such a short space of time? she wondered bleakly. Everything about her looked and felt dull. Her body felt as if it had gone into some sort of meltdown the past few days.
At night she was unable to sleep, her body restless and her mind racing. During the day she tried to keep busy, finding anything to keep herself occupied. Cupboards were sorted, drawers emptied, floors scrubbed but still she couldn’t banish thoughts of Ben from her mind. She knew she had made the right decision, so why then did it feel so bad?
She told herself it was all about looking forward. Making a few plans, focusing on other things – such as becoming pet-friendly. She’d been doing some reading and researching. The good news was that allowing dogs would certainly open up a new market and potentially generate more income. Families took their dogs on holiday and not many other guest houses in the area allowed pets so that would give her an advantage.
But there were plenty of issues to consider – she’d need to think about insurance, possible damage to property, and she’d have to provide food, bowls, and towels. And the house would have to be kept meticulously clean in case of dog hairs. She’d revisited the idea of opening in winter and had
even found herself speculating exactly what Greg Ritchie’s ‘investment opportunities’ were.
In the hall she called up to Jamie as she wrapped a scarf around her neck. Maybe she could do more decorating, she thought, put an advert in the local paper. But they were all just ideas, thoughts going nowhere. Eva felt as if reality had shifted in some way and now she wasn’t sure what she wanted any more. Time and time again she reminded herself she’d managed just fine before Ben and she could do it again.
‘I’m ready, Mum.’ Jamie’s voice broke into her thoughts and she turned to him with a bright smile.
‘Good. I’ll just get Hamish sorted in his basket. We won’t be too long.’
It was the first day of the school Christmas holiday and having persuaded Jamie a visit to Edinburgh’s natural history museum would be useful for his project on ancient Egypt next term, Eva had arranged to meet Sarah and her mother in the museum café. Eva had talked with Sarah on the phone and exchanged a few texts, glad they were slowly returning to how they used to be.
Eva locked the front door listening to Jamie mutter mutinously that he’d better not see anyone he knew at the museum. Eva turned and spotted Ben bundling a holdall into the boot of his car. She kept her head down, feeling pathetic for doing so. She would learn to block the feelings, to deal with seeing him – they were neighbours after all – she just wasn’t quite there yet. Oh God, now he was coming over to them.
‘How’re you doing, Jamie?’ Ben waved to Jamie who was settling himself in the front seat.
‘Yeah, good.’ Jamie smiled back.
‘These are for you,’ Ben said to Jamie handing him a boxed set of Star War films. ‘All the original ones. I know how hard you’ve been working on your maths and thought you could give yourself a treat and watch these over the holidays.’
‘Brilliant, thanks, Ben!’
He switched his gaze to Eva who was standing by the open car door, frozen to the spot. ‘Hi, Eva. How are you?’
He looked tired and unshaven and so gorgeous that Eva felt her body betray her and she inhaled sharply.
‘Great, yes … fine.’ She’d been aiming for casual and confident but somehow her voice came out weirdly high.
‘I wanted to check you still have a set of keys for my house?’
‘Oh, yes. Sorry, I should have given them back to you.’
‘No, it’s fine. I’m heading down south for a bit – I don’t want to leave the house in London empty over the holidays.’ He ran a hand along his jagged jawline, looking distracted. ‘Would you mind holding on to them – just in case something happens while I’m away?’
‘Oh, yes … of course.’
‘I know you’re more than capable of handling anything.’ A ghost of a smile appeared on his lips. ‘Take care of yourself, Eva.’
‘You too.’
She took a deep breath and climbed into the car. Just because he looked tired didn’t mean she should worry about him making that long journey. He would be fine, she told herself, glancing at the clock on the dashboard and pulling out of the driveway.
They had plenty of time so she decided to take the coastal road, driving through the pretty fishing villages of Crail and Anstruther while Christmas songs played on the radio. They had just driven over the forth road bridge when Jamie surprised her.
‘You know, Mum, I really like Ben.’
Her hands tightened on the wheel but she kept her voice casual. ‘He’s been a great help with your maths.’
‘And he’s taught me how to move all the pieces on a chess board.’
‘That’s good,’ Eva replied evenly.
‘I liked when he came to our house. When’s he going to come for dinner again?’
Eva swallowed. ‘Oh, I’m not sure. He’s probably busy at the university.’
‘But I can still go and ask him stuff?’
‘Of course, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind that.’ Eva frowned, wondering if Jamie had picked up on anything.
‘We’ve started algebra at school,’ he told her sounding miserable.
‘Well, don’t worry. I can always help you.’
He made a face, looking doubtful.
‘What? We’ll be able to work it out between us.’
‘Mum, you can’t google it. I need someone to, like, actually explain it properly. It’s good when Ben helps – I just sort of understand it more.’
In all her own turmoil she hadn’t stopped to think just how much Jamie and Ben had connected. She had been trying to protect Jamie and didn’t feel good about her son missing Ben. Jamie clearly loved having Ben in their lives and she couldn’t deny he’d been a great role model for her son. She felt her shoulders slump, dismayed that trying to do the right thing seemed so wrong at times.
When they arrived in Edinburgh, parking was a bit of a nightmare but eventually Eva found a space on the outskirts of the centre. They got to Princes Street twenty minutes later, Eva enjoying the views of the castle and the bustling Christmas shoppers while Jamie complained about the distance they had to walk. Entering the museum they passed through the grand central hall, Eva pointing to portraits of famous Scottish doctors while Jamie showed more interest in the stuffed animals and dinosaur skeleton. They found Sarah and Helen already seated at a table in the café.
‘Hi, Mum.’ Eva bent and kissed her powdery cheek and eyed Jamie to do the same. Eva slipped off her coat and scarf, giving Sarah a double take. Her clothes were still very Sarah-esque but she wore pretty pearl drop earrings and looked softer somehow. She stood to embrace Eva and turned to Jamie.
‘Would you like to come and help me get the drinks?’ she asked him sounding a tad awkward.
‘Er, yeah,’ Jamie responded.
The role of aunt wasn’t one Sarah slipped into naturally but Eva could see she was trying and appreciated the effort.
‘Mum, usual for you?’
‘Yes please, darling.’
‘Eva?’
‘I’ll have a cappuccino please,’ Eva answered, all intentions for a decaf-skinny abandoned. She smiled across at her mother who she felt scrutinize her.
‘How are you, darling?’ Helen asked.
‘I’m fine, Mum.’
‘You look a bit … peaky.’
Eva straightened herself and smoothed down her hair as if that would make a difference but for once couldn’t argue with her mother’s appraisal.
‘I’m all right – had a couple of bad night sleeps, that’s all.’
Tilting her head to the side, Helen regarded her.
‘You know, there’s a wonderful spa I go to. I could book us in for a day after Christmas … we could go together and make a day of it, have a few treatments.’ Eva’s excuse was on the tip of her tongue but she stopped herself. Thinking of how far she and Sarah had come recently, maybe it was time to try and improve relations with her mum and after all, a few spa treatments might not go amiss.
‘That sounds really nice, thanks, Mum.’ Eva was rewarded with a beatific smile.
‘How is Jamie getting on at school?’
Ignoring what she knew was a reference to his academic progress, Eva deliberately focused instead on what mattered to her.
‘He’s great. Making plenty of friends, playing sports. He seems to have settled really well at high school.’
‘And how’s he doing in all his subjects? It’s important he makes a good start in first year.’
‘Of course, and he’s doing fine, Mum,’ Eva reassured her. It had been a bittersweet moment when Jamie had come home proudly declaring his mark to be one of the highest in the class maths test. Clearly Ben was a good teacher but then that didn’t surprise Eva. She looked over at Jamie now standing in the queue with Sarah, something he said making her laugh. Eva returned her focus back to Helen. Unlike her own pallor, her mother’s appearance held an undeniable radiance that Eva assumed was thanks to George.
Sarah and Eva had talked on the phone, Sarah explaining that she and Helen had discussed their ‘new situation’ as s
he described it. Eva hadn’t asked for the details, feeling it was between Sarah and her mother. As long as they were both happy, that was enough for her. Sarah had made the decision to go to Holland in the New Year for a couple of weeks to see how things went and Eva was thrilled for her and hoped it all worked out with Jon.
‘Sarah told me she’s going to Holland in the New Year,’ she mentioned now.
Helen nodded graciously, as if she was giving the idea her blessing. ‘I think it’s the right thing for her to do and I’m sure it will all work out the way it’s meant to.’
‘And you? You’ll be all right here without her? You know that I can come and help you with anything or you could come to St Andrews.’
‘I know, darling. Thank you but I’ll be fine.’ A faint blush rose in her cheeks. ‘You know about … George?’
‘Yes. And I’m happy for you, Mum.’
Her mother smiled, managing to look demure but slightly uncomfortable at the same time. ‘I wondered if you and Jamie might like to meet him over Christmas – if that would be all right with you?’
Eva nodded. ‘Sure, that’s a good idea.’
‘Oh and another thing.’ Helen paused. ‘I haven’t chosen my kitchen tiles yet and was hoping that maybe you could help me choose?’
‘Of course! I’d be really happy to do that with you, Mum.’ This was a day for surprises.
‘Sarah told me how lovely your house is looking and I know you’ve always had a good eye for colour and design.’ Coming from her mother, that was tantamount to high praise and Eva smiled at her just as Jamie arrived with a tray, everything on it almost sliding off in his hurry to get to the table.
‘Mum! Guess what?’ Eva grabbed the tray just in time. ‘Aunt Sarah said she would take me to a rugby match at Murrayfield.’
‘Really? Wow, that’s great.’
Winter at West Sands Guest House Page 18