‘Is that all right with you, Eva?’ Sarah checked passing the drinks along.
‘Of course, Jamie will love that,’ Eva replied gratefully.
Helen poured tea from a little cream teapot and looked at her grandson. ‘So, how was your activity weekend, Jamie? Did you have fun?’
‘Awesome. There’s photos I can show you.’
‘You didn’t tell me that, Jamie.’ Eva looked at him in surprise.
Jamie shrugged. ‘They’re up on the website now – can I use your phone, Aunt Sarah?’
‘Sure,’ she replied digging in her bag.
After a few minutes Jamie had called up the website and was providing a running commentary as his finger swiped over the screen. ‘That was the day we did mountain biking – we got to go along these tracks in the forest …’
Eva sipped her coffee watching Jamie recount his experiences. He passed the phone to Eva after he’d finished so she could look at them properly. At first it was odd seeing the evidence of an experience he’d had without her, to know that he would have those memories that didn’t include her.
She zoomed in on a photo of Jamie, rope coiled around his body and his face just visible under his helmet as he prepared to descend a rock face. Eva blinked, an unfamiliar feeling coming over her as she studied the photo of Jamie about to do something dangerous. Instead of reacting with fear, she felt overwhelmingly proud of him.
Wasn’t it wonderful that he was so confident? That he wasn’t afraid? He’d done it all by himself and had coped on his own without her being there. This was just his first school trip – imagine all the other things he still had to experience. She scrolled through more photos, seeing all the children’s faces shining with excitement and a sense of achievement. They were children being children and not scared by life.
Her role as a mother was to protect him, not to hold him back. Life involved opportunities and risks but that was how he would learn. And in that instant Eva knew she had to accept and embrace change. She had to let Jamie live his life and not pass her own fears on to him. Eva swallowed down the lump that had formed in her throat, wondering just how she had let herself become so afraid.
Eva looked over to see her mother looking fondly at Jamie. She was smiling at something he said and as she very precisely placed her cup on its saucer, her gaze caught Eva’s. Eva recognized a softness in her mother’s eyes, one she hadn’t noticed before, and in that moment Eva knew whatever else, her mother loved her. They hadn’t always shared the same outlook on life but if Eva had learnt one thing, it was that there was no easy or perfect way to be a parent. You did the best you could.
Gathering their things, Helen began to list the exhibits they should go and see. Jamie wasn’t looking too enthusiastic until pickled body parts were mentioned and then his face lit up. Sarah and Eva fell in step behind their mother and Jamie as they forged ahead, Helen assuming the role of museum guide.
Eva felt Sarah’s eyes on her. ‘Are you all right?’ she asked.
Eva breathed in deeply, not trusting herself to speak for a moment. Something about the warmth of the museum, the families milling about, and the anticipation of Christmas made her feel disconcerted in some way. She cleared her throat.
‘Of course I’m fine. Why?’ she said with a weak laugh.
‘You just seem a bit quiet – not yourself. Jamie’s okay, isn’t he?’
Something about Sarah’s expression took Eva back to the summer when she had been sixteen and madly in love Danny Collins. Convinced he was about to ask her out, she’d been devastated when he’d started going out instead with Linda Dodds. It had been Sarah who’d told Eva he wasn’t worth it, taking her shopping and telling her everyone knew Linda Dodds was easy anyway. Eva regarded Sarah now, remembering how lucky she’d felt all those years ago to have such a brilliant big sister, and was suddenly overcome by the need to confide.
‘It’s not Jamie. It’s me.’
Sarah stopped in her tracks. ‘You’re not sick are you?’
A rueful laugh came from Eva. ‘I suppose some people might think love is a sickness.’
Sarah’s eyes searched her face. ‘You’re in love?’
‘It would appear so.’
‘Who with?’
Keeping half an eye on Jamie and Helen who were up ahead studying the bronze figure of an Egyptian god, Eva recounted the past few weeks to Sarah including telling Ben nothing could happen between them because she had to focus on Jamie. Sarah had listened carefully and then stopped, turning to Eva.
‘You know, I’ve done a lot of thinking in the past few weeks and it’s only now I truly understand the impact Dad’s death had on us. Just at the time we were both finding out who we were we had to deal with losing him and Mum being on her own. I was happy staying near Mum but I’ve realized I was using her as an excuse not to move forward with my life. I was scared of things going wrong with Jon so it was easier to say to myself I needed to stay with Mum.’
‘And then Mum started going out with George.’
‘Exactly, and then it became harder to use her as a reason not to be with Jon.’
‘It was you who told me, Eva, do you remember? A chance of happiness is too precious to throw away. And you were right. If you love Ben, if you think this might be the real thing, you can’t ignore it for all the wrong reasons.’
‘The wrong reasons?’
Sarah put a hand on her arm and spoke gently. ‘Do you think you might be using Jamie the way I used Mum – to shield you from Ben in case you get hurt?’
Eva opened her mouth to deny it and then closed it again. ‘I don’t know, maybe,’ she sighed. ‘Oh God he’s so great and I’ve totally blown it.’
‘You don’t know that,’ Sarah told her with a smile. ‘It sounds like you might have something special but you won’t know until you take that chance will you? And you deserve it, Eva.’
Eva just about managed to swallow down the lump that had formed in her throat.
‘So do you.’
They remained in thoughtful silence as they started to make their way towards Jamie who was waving them over to see something.
Eva could see life was changing for her sister and her mother, both hopefully on their way to finding happiness and love. And of course Eva wanted that too. She heard Sarah’s words in her head and deep down knew she was right. She was using Jamie as an excuse not to be with Ben when in actual fact if anything he was a reason for them to be together. The thought of Ben driving to London on his own suddenly filled her with regret and she hoped she hadn’t made a huge mistake. She prayed with all her heart it wasn’t too late for her.
Chapter Sixteen
‘Have a good day!’ Eva called after Jamie who was looking slightly subdued and bleary-eyed as he trudged over to his friends, ready to go to school. ‘Come on, Hamish,’ Eva sighed heading in the opposite direction to the beach. Jamie hadn’t looked too impressed when she’d woken him this morning, not that Eva could blame him. First day back at school in January wasn’t something most children would relish but at least she knew he’d had a good holiday.
Christmas had been spent in Edinburgh and Jamie and Eva had been introduced to George. Eva had taken to him immediately. A widower, he was friendly, relaxed, and at pains to show he wasn’t trying to bulldoze his way into their family. Fortunately for Hamish, he was also dog lover, which helped sway Helen into allowing Hamish into the house. Christmas at her mother’s house was never going to be a noisy, chaotic family affair but it was all reassuringly familiar. The decorations were stylish but sparse, the beautifully wrapped presents were handed out one by one, and the dinner was traditional but rather formal.
After their meal, Eva had made the coffee with Helen in the kitchen, agreeing a date to go tile shopping while Jamie played Monopoly with Sarah and George. Jamie’s holiday had been a whirl of activity, Eva taxiing him about to friends’ houses or trips to the cinema. She’d found herself with a free afternoon after depositing Jamie and some friends at a pa
intballing party. She’d driven to the shops intent on some rare retail therapy but ended up wandering aimlessly, the crowds only making her feel more alone.
New Year’s Eve had been spent at Heather’s, which definitely was a noisy and chaotic family affair. Eva had taken her phone out to the garden before midnight to speak to Sarah, raising a glass to her over the phone. She was flying to Holland the next afternoon to meet Jon and Eva had gulped back tears of happiness for her sister.
Eva had looked up to the sky to see if she could make out the constellation Ben had shown her but her tears were falling freely and she couldn’t see anything. Perhaps it was the unique perspective that New Year’s Eve can bring or maybe it was gazing at the night sky wondering if Ben was doing the same, but standing alone in the garden, something provided Eva with a clarity of thinking. She had wiped her eyes, topped up her glass, and rejoined the party knowing what she needed to do.
Eva unhooked Hamish’s lead when she reached the beach and watched as he went running off to explore the new scents of the day. She had discovered if she walked him until he was so exhausted he simply didn’t have the energy to misbehave. She knew it wasn’t exactly a proper training method but it seemed to be working and came with the added advantage of killing time.
They passed one other dog walker and in the distance Eva could see a runner but not many were braving the beach today. January always held a certain bleakness Eva thought and it was reflected perfectly in the weather today. Charcoal swirls of clouds scudded across the sky and the wind from the east was making it bitterly cold. Eva huddled deeper into her jacket. Small waves washed up on the shore and then trickled back into the sea and she laughed at Hamish with his little coat on, staying well away from the water. ‘Too cold for you, boy.’
The runner had closed the distance between them and it was Hamish who recognized him first, his tail whipping frantically from side to side as he raced towards Ben. Eva frowned, certain she hadn’t seen Ben’s car, and she was hardly likely to miss it given that she had been painfully aware of his empty driveway since he had left.
She carried on walking watching as Ben slowed his pace and stopped to greet Hamish who was squirming with delight. He was kitted out in dark layers for running and a hat pulled down over his ears. His dark gaze fixed on Eva as she approached and she could see his chest moving as he recovered his breathing. The sight of him made her own heart beat wildly and she could quite happily have thrown herself into his arms pretty much the way Hamish was doing now.
‘Hi, Eva. How have you been?’
There was a brief smile but uncertainty in his eyes. It was almost like seeing him for the first time again, only now she knew just how much she loved him and the stakes were much higher. She faltered – what if he felt differently now?
‘I’m fine, thanks.’
She’d imagined this conversation a hundred times over the past few days. In her head the words had flowed easily but now she felt clumsy, her mouth unable to form the words she needed to say. Instead she cast her eyes down, studying a pretty pink shell lying on the sand.
‘How was your Christmas?’ he asked, still sounding slightly out of breath from his run.
‘Good. Jamie had a great time anyway.’ She kept her attention on the shell, scuffing it with the toe of her boot before she looked up at him. ‘What about you – how was London?’ Eva wondered if that sounded as petulant to Ben as it did to her own ears and thought she saw the tiniest flicker of amusement in his eyes before he replied.
‘London was busy and noisy, just as I expected it to be. But I had a few things to do, saw a few old friends – I got back yesterday.’
‘I didn’t notice your car in the driveway,’ she remarked.
‘I sold it in London so I got a flight back.’ He shrugged. ‘It wasn’t really me. I thought I might look for something else.’
Eva nodded mutely just as a huge black cloud suddenly stole all the light and she felt a sudden chill.
‘I’d better call Hamish back.’ She tried to sound confident but knew there was every chance Hamish would have other ideas. True to form, Hamish totally ignored her and after a couple of failed attempts, Ben offered assistance.
‘Would you like me to have a go?’
Eva shrugged. ‘Sure.’
Ben placed two fingers in his mouth and gave an ear-splitting whistle. Hamish stopped in his tracks. ‘Here, boy!’
Eva watched in disbelief as Hamish trotted over, the very model of obedience, and looked up adoringly at Ben.
‘I don’t believe it!’ Eva rolled her eyes. She clasped the lead to his collar just as a deluge of frozen rock-like hailstones started pelting down from the dark sky.
‘We should get back.’ They walked in silence, Eva aware of Ben’s hand on the small of her back as he guided them away from the beach. By the time they reached the row of houses, Eva’s face was stinging with cold and she was shivering although she was sure she couldn’t attribute that all to the weather. They came to Ben’s house first and Hamish scuttled up his path. Ben turned questioningly to Eva and saw her shaking.
‘You’re frozen; we’d better get you inside.’
In the hall they shook themselves out and Ben gestured for Eva to go through to the living room while he made something hot to drink. Eva took off her boots, feeling suddenly more relaxed as she walked into the familiar room, almost a sense of belonging enveloping her.
A few brochures sitting on the coffee table caught her attention and she instantly recognized them as estate agent brochures and she felt her heart drop. She skimmed the glossy pages of properties being sold in St Andrews, the clever angles showing the staged interiors to their best advantage. Ben came in carrying two mugs and she turned to him, holding up the brochures with a questioning eyebrow.
‘Why do you have these?’ she asked, attempting to sound casual, dreading what the answer might be.
‘Oh, right. I went to see an estate agent when I came back yesterday – he gave me these.’ He handed her a mug and then lit the fire, which cast a warm glow around the room.
‘Are – are you thinking of selling?’ Eva swallowed.
He shrugged. ‘I thought I should at least do the exercise. If I did sell and look for a smaller place, I wanted to see what was out there and how easy it would be to sell this place.’
Eva bit her lip, taking her mug over to the window, composing herself before turning to face Ben. ‘I’ve heard January isn’t a good time to sell.’
Ben’s mug stopped halfway to his mouth and he stared at Eva for a moment before his expression changed. ‘Really?’ he said, continuing with his drink. ‘The estate agent seemed to think it was the perfect time to sell.’
‘Well he would, wouldn’t he? You know what estate agents are like – they always find a way of pitching it. You can’t trust them.’
‘Is that right?’ he mused.
Eva nodded. ‘Uh-huh, definitely,’ she confirmed. ‘And at the very least you should probably get the kitchen done – kitchens really help to sell a house.’
Ben quirked an eyebrow. ‘I don’t know, that sounds like a lot of work. I’d need to find the right person for the job and I know how difficult that can be.’
Eva felt her heart thumping as she walked across the room to Ben. Slowly she placed her untouched tea down on the table and stood in front of him and looked into his eyes.
‘Stay,’ she said, her voice almost a whisper. Ben fixed her with a look, his eyes never leaving hers.
‘Say that again,’ he said quietly.
Feeling suddenly brave she moved closer to him so they were almost touching and tiptoed so that her mouth was close to Ben’s ear.
‘Stay,’ she repeated. ‘Stay with me and Jamie and Hamish. I want you to be part of our family, Ben.’ He pulled back just enough so his eyes could search her face.
‘Last time we spoke you didn’t seem to think that was such a good idea.’
‘I know. But I got it wrong. I panicked – I can see that now
. I’ve done such a good job of protecting myself, of convincing myself that I can manage on my own, it was difficult to let go of that. But I’ve had time to think and I don’t want to live in fear any more. I can’t control every little thing about Jamie’s life. I’ve missed you so much … I love you so much. I want to take this chance to be happy with you.’
Time seemed to stop as Ben stood silently and Eva could hear her own heart thundering in her chest. ‘Aren’t you … going to say anything?’ She swallowed.
Ben stared at her for a long moment and then held out his hand. ‘Will Hamish be all right here on his own?’ he asked, the gruffness in his voice and the expression on his face sending a shock of heat through her body.
Eva glanced at Hamish who she could swear was smiling. ‘I think he’ll be okay for a little while,’ she stammered before taking Ben’s hand.
A little while turned into a long while and Hamish was stretched out in a deep sleep in front of the fire when Ben and Eva padded back downstairs hand in hand. Eva ambled over to the window and gazed out to the familiar setting, except that everything looked shiny and new somehow. The dark clouds were starting to drift away and Eva shook her head slightly, thinking of all the stormy weather recently, wondering where it had all come from. But the worst of it seemed to be over, she thought, seeing the patches of blue sky beginning to appear on the horizon.
She turned to look at Ben who was sitting on the sofa watching her. Eva thought he looked how she felt: a bit dazed and deliriously happy. He patted the space beside him and Eva tucked herself in close beside him, feeling the warmth and strength of his body beside her as he wrapped an arm around her.
‘So does that mean you’re staying?’
‘I’m definitely staying.’ He smiled, planting a kiss on the side of her head. Eva sighed happily, letting her body sink further into his arms.
‘It’s still a big house for one person though,’ she mused.
‘Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that.’
‘And?’
‘And that’s where you come in.’
‘Oh?’
Winter at West Sands Guest House Page 19