Back to You

by Annie Brewer

  “Ah, I see. Well how was your dream? I’m guessing by the looks of it, it was pretty intense ‘ay?” She chuckles and I play punch her in the arm. “Seriously mom, this is not a conversation I want to reveal details of, especially with my mother. But honestly? You hit it dead on. It was pretty intense. Okay imagine this, I’m still…you know..a virgin. But I could see it changing with Lucas. I can’t with Brady. That’s a little messed up isn’t it.”

  She sits back down in the chair next to me and holds my hand.

  “It’s actually not Abby. It shows that you’re not ready to give yourself to Brady, at least not all of you. Now, the other thing with Lucas, yeah that’s quite a predicament you got yourself in there. But maybe you should talk to him. See if he’s in that same place. It’s the only way you will know which step to take. That’s what I would do. I know when I was in high school; before I met your father I had a boyfriend that was very persistent about sex. He wouldn’t shut up. I cared for him, but I wasn’t in that place. I wasn’t ready to give all of myself to him. And the thing is Abby, you will know when you’re ready. Your body, mind and soul will be in sync and there will be no doubts about whether to take it to the next level. But I will warn you, I want you to use protection.”

  I give her an ‘are you kidding me?’ look and shake my head in disbelief. I didn’t expect this out of her right now. It’s like she’s condoning my having sex only if I use protection. Wow, where did my mother go? “Honey, I’m not stupid. I wasn’t born yesterday. I’ve been around a lot longer than you and though I prefer you stay a virgin until you’re married or in your thirties, I know things happen. You can never be too careful though. Just please promise me, you will be careful.” I smile and lay my head on her shoulder.

  “Yes, I will be careful. But what do I do about Lucas? And Brady? How do I choose?” My mom sighs and smoothes her fingers through my hair.

  “I can’t tell you that. You have to make the decision yourself. You don’t have to make any sudden decisions now. But soon enough, you will need to. Either way, I’ll back you one hundred percent. Now, I love you, but I also love my beauty sleep. We can’t all be as naturally beautiful as you are.” She tapped me on the nose lightly with her finger. I hugged her, thinking to myself how lucky I was to have my mom’s support. How could my dad give this woman up? He was an idiot, a fool.

  “Thank you mom. What would I do without you?” She laughs as I stand up, ready to flee the room, even though I’m not that tired.

  “I guess you’d get by somehow. But I’m glad you’re stuck with me. It’d be a bit lonely without you being a pest every now and then. Go to sleep now. I love you. And no more crazy wild Lucas dreams.” I second that. I walk into my room and crawl into bed, getting comfy and cozy under my comforter. I look out the window once before turning over and drifting off to sleep once more.

  “Abby, honey. It’s time to get up.” My eyes flutter open. My mom is standing over my bed. I sit up and rub my sleepy eyes and glance out my window at the pretty white sight. There’s snow on the ground. Of course it’s typical April weather for Green Acres, Colorado. I kick off my covers and get a better glimpse of the beauty. Snow has always been my favorite. I used to go skiing every year in Keystone. They have one of the best ski resorts in the state, at least in my opinion. My dad took me and Sarah there when were younger, obviously before he ditched us.

  I walk away from the window to my dresser and take out a pair of pink lace panties and socks then browse through my closet and find a pair of skinny jeans and a long sleeved shirt. I walk into my bathroom and brush my teeth and wash my face. Then I finish up with my make up and head to the kitchen.

  “Mmm, that smells delicious mom.” I find her standing over the stove cooking bacon, eggs and pancakes. I sit down in the chair and put my socks and shoes on.

  “Why thank you sweetheart. Did you sleep well? Or at least dream free?” She gives me a smile, flipping over the bacon. I grab a glass out of the cabinet and orange juice out of the fridge. “Yes, at least I don’t remember any dreams this time. You’re not going to let me live this down are you? Maybe I should have kept my intimate moment to myself.” I tease. She doesn’t miss a beat. “Yes, maybe you should have. But I’m glad you told me. At least I have one daughter that is honest with me. It seems your sister is doing drugs or something. Do you know about this?” I freeze in place and set my glass down, swallowing. I didn’t tell her.

  “Don’t worry, I found out from an anonymous source. But if you knew, and didn’t tell me, shows you still care for Sarah. However, she’s in a lot of trouble. I’m not sure what her punishment will be yet but I’m sure I will come up with something.” Hmm, this is interesting. “You can forbid her to see Lucas again.” I advise.

  “I thought they were over? Well, either way I wouldn’t do that because it would look suspicious to her and she’ll think you had something to do with me finding out even if I told her it wasn’t you. It might not be wise. I will think of something else.”

  “Honestly, he didn’t say either way so I don’t really know if they’re over or not. But I guess it doesn’t matter right now. I’ve gotta figure out my own stuff first.” My mother grabs the plate of bacon and sets it on the table and does the same with the eggs as well.

  I take a plate and start getting my breakfast. We eat in pleasant silence for a while. Then my mother starts in. “You know, I always liked Lucas. He was there when you found out about your father. He comforted you and helped you through such a big traumatic time in your life. I mean, the divorce was a difficult thing for a young girl to go through. Especially at that age when you needed your father the most. All girls need their fathers when they’re going through such difficult changes, physically and emotionally. I’ll never forgive him for abandoning you and Sarah. So keep that in mind when you make your decision. I’m not saying choose Lucas but remember everything he did for you and what you two went through. Maybe this could be your second chance. Brady’s a great guy, don’t get me wrong. I just think Lucas was always your biggest support, even when you talked about singing. He seemed ecstatic and was willing to help get you lessons and everything. A best friend doesn’t do that if they don’t have something more they want. Well, okay maybe they do but he’s something special. Plus, he’s pretty good looking. I mean if I was younger…” I couldn’t take it anymore, she put an image in my head that would traumatize me for the rest of my life.

  “MOM!” I yell. Seriously, who does that..ogle their daughters’ guy friends?

  “Sorry, I’m just saying. He wins me over with just a smile. But okay I can see by your expression that I’ve taken it too far. So anyway, I’m going to clean up and head out now. Love you.” A mischievous grin flashes across her face as she glides to the sink. I suddenly had lost my appetite. I go to my room and get my school stuff and head out the door.

  Arriving at school, I scan the parking lot for my sister. I wonder who told my mom about her using drugs. I guess I’m glad it wasn’t me that told, I’d hate to be a snitch even if she is a bitch. She’s still my sister and I remember being her age and lost in a cruel and careless world.

  “Hey Abby.” I hear Brooke’s voice from behind. I turn around and see Brady is with her. He comes to give me a hug, I hesitate for a moment remembering the arms I was in yesterday just outside my window. I long for those arms around me.

  “Hey guys. What’s up?” I give Brady a quick kiss but he has other plans. He grabs my head and runs his fingers through my hair, kissing me forcefully. Then his tongue slips inside my mouth, finding mine. Only it won’t reciprocate.

  “Ahem.” Brooke clears her throat interrupting the mood as we break apart. I give her an ‘I owe you’ look and smile. Brady puts his arm over my shoulder and we start walking to class. We see Coach Davis walking toward us.

  “Hey Mr. Wilson, can I have a word with you for a minute?” He asks Brady smiling. It must have to do with his college choices or something. I gesture for him to go.

  �
��Okay, hey I will see you later. It’s probably football related. I love you.” I nod and hug him before he follows his coach into the crowd of students. I stare after him for a minute then glance at Brooke.

  “What?” She gives me cocky grin.

  “I saw you practically groveling at my feet when I interrupted your make out fest.” I laugh.” Yes, thank you for that by the way. So, let me tell you. After I got off the phone, I fell asleep and had a crazy dream. Then my mother and I talked for like an hour. She’s so supportive of my feelings for Lucas. Oh then she proceeds to tell me to use protection, in case I have sex with him or Brady. It was so weird. But I have to admit, it was nice telling my mother everything. I think she’s really in favor of Lucas.” I leave out the details of my dream wanting to keep that a secret, a private intimate moment between us. He may not know about it but I’d like to think he actually does feel the same. It makes me feel better. We walk to my locker; I put my books up and take my History book for my first class.

  “Hey ladies, how’s it going?” I turn around and find my sister glaring at me. Does she know my mom find out? I hope she doesn’t think it was me.

  “How can I help you Sarah?” I ask, hands on my hips. I won’t bow down to her.

  “Oh, nothing just passing by and wondering what’s new with you since I didn’t get to talk to you yesterday.” She gives Brooke a once over and smirks.

  “Nothing, we are going to class. You can talk to me later. Come on Brooke.” I guide her down the hall away from my tormentor. I swear she lives to make my life a living Hell. As we’re walking around the corner, I turn to glare at Sarah who is clearly not effected.

  “Ugh, someone needs to give that girl a taste of her own medicine.” Brooke says.

  “Well, someone already did, she just doesn’t know it yet.” She gives me a questioning look.

  “My mom told me this morning that an anonymous source told her about her using drugs. I’m just not sure who it was yet.” Her eyes went wide.

  “Wow, you know she’s going to accuse you of snitching. Better be careful.”

  I say goodbye as she enters her class across the hall from mine. Chelsea, a mutual friend of mine and Brooke’s is sitting at her desk. She looks up when she sees me enter the room and smiles.

  “So, I hope you don’t mind but I told my mom about Sarah.” Aha! There’s the culprit!

  “Really? It was you?” She looks nervous at first, and then relaxes.

  “Yeah, sorry but I had to. Haley and Sarah were doing it again, behind our house. I caught them red handed. I don’t want your sister to be that kind of influence on Haley.”

  I completely understand. Haley is Chelsea’s younger sister. So their mom must have told my mom then. “Yea, my mom told me this morning she found out from a source. I kept trying to figure out who told. But thanks for coming clean. And believe me, I completely understand. Right now, Sarah is not the best influence for anyone. She’s going through some teenage phase; until it passes, it would be wise to keep Haley away.” She nods in agreement.

  After the bell rings, Mr. Anderson writes our assignment on the board. I get out my book and study. The classroom is silent, and the only sounds are that of pages being turned or papers being shuffled. My mind switches off and a memory of the dream takes me away from my assignment.

  Lucas and I dated part of middle school up until sophomore year. In all that time we were together, he never pressured me into doing anything I didn’t want to do. I think in reality it has to do with the reason that I won’t go all the way with Brady. I’m not saying that I wanted to stay a virgin all my life but Lucas always respected my choices of waiting. The words “Take me Lucas, all of me” keeps replaying in my head over and over. The thing is, I really wanted him to, dream or no dream. At that time it felt real so I think my subconscious was trying to tell me that I really want to give myself to him. All of him. If only it were that simple.

  Chapter 8

  The sound of the bell makes me jump. Chelsea laughs and shakes her head. “Geez, why are you so jumpy? What were you daydreaming about?”

  “What makes you think I was daydreaming?” I ask.

  “Oh come on you had that dreamy look on your face. Was it sexual? Did you have a fantasy about getting it on with Brady? It’s about time you actually take that step you know.” I smile, thankful she said Brady’s name instead of my real fantasy boy.

  “Yeah, I know. I just want it to be special. It will happen soon enough.” We get out of our seats and step out into the hall, which is when I see him. Lucas is leaning against the lockers, clearly waiting for me. He’s wearing khaki shorts with a blue and white striped shirt, even though there’s snow outside and it’s flipping cold. But he always wore shorts in freezing weather, claiming he was warm blooded. I am warm blooded too, but would still get cold sometimes.

  “Hey, I’m hoping you’re not going to turn me away.” Chelsea looks from me to him, then back at me again. “Okay, well I will see you later Abby.” I wave at her and turn to Lucas.

  “Where’s Sarah? I wouldn’t want her to get the wrong idea. She’s already acting like a crazy bitch. And after tonight I suspect she will be taking crazy bitch to a whole new level.” He gives me a confused look.

  “My mom found out she was doing drugs and now she will be in some major trouble when she gets home. I didn’t tell on her. But I should have. She needs to get her shit together.” Lucas stops me midway and looks at me with a neutral expression.

  “Look, I know she’s got problems right now. But maybe you should take it easy on her a little bit. I remember when you went through some of that. I was there for you to lean on; maybe you should be there for her.” I knew he was right but I couldn’t help the irritation building up inside of me because he was defending her. “Why don’t you just be there for her instead?” I stalk off, but don’t get far. He steps in front of me and takes my arm lightly to get my attention.

  “I’m sorry; I wasn’t trying to piss you off. I just wanted you to see both sides is all. We all went through the normal kid stuff, she just needs guidance.” He put his arms down by his side and I couldn’t help but wish he would have left it where it was. I had to get out of there, away from him. When he was near, I would think all kinds of crazy things.

  “I have to go. If Brady comes by and sees us together, he’ll think something is going on. I will talk to you later.” I start to walk off and he grabs my arm again. The sensation that goes through my body is intense and I gasp.

  “Can we hang out later, after school? Please?” He asks with a raspy voice. I nod and smile slightly then head for my next class in a daze. My skin tingles where his fingers touched it. I bump into people as I’m walking, not paying attention to what I’m doing. It isn’t until I hear my sister yell my name that I realize I’ve circled the entire Science hall like a zombie.

  “What the Hell is wrong with you? Are you lost?” Sarah approaches me, humor laced in her words. I barely glance at her and shake my head walking away. I hear her say something else but I’ve no idea what, I just keep walking. I finally get to my class before the bell rings and sit down.

  “Hey, I haven’t seen you all day. You look like Hell Abby.” Brooke approaches me at lunch. She sits down across from me with her tray of food. I’m eating a salad, pizza and tacos. It’s not the best mix but I’m feeling really hungry today. “Yea, I’ve been around. I’m just tired so I’ve gone straight to my classes.”

  “Hey guys! I’ve got stuff to do with the coach so I’m skipping lunch today.” Brady then looks at me. “See ya later babe. Okay?” He gives me a quick kiss and takes off. I stare at my food as if they’re about to do some awesome magic trick. “Abby?” I look up with my mouth hanging open.

  “Huh?” I close my mouth and set my fork down in defeat.

  “Um, nevermind.” Brooke looks disappointed, like I let her down which makes me feel like shit. She has every right to be upset with me; I’ve been a horrible friend lately. It’s all Lucas’s faul
t. I finally come to the conclusion that I need to stay away from him for now. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be in my own land…I just have so much on my mind and I can’t think straight.” I sigh louder than I intended. She gives me a weary look.

  “Care to venture?” Not really. Talking about Lucas is the last thing I want to do right now but she doesn’t budge.

  “Well, I’m having such strong feelings for Lucas, when he’s near he consumes me! It’s such an odd thing to think about. I mean sure when we dated before it was somewhat strong but lately it’s heightened a lot. I need to stay away from him. He wants us to hang out like old times Brooke. I can’t do that. I can’t be around him and not want him. Fuck I hate feeling out of control. It’s making me insane.” She gives a quiet laugh.

  “Dude, you’re so in love it’s not even funny. God, I’ve never seen you like this with Brady. Ever.” After thinking about it and discovering it’s true, I feel like the worst girlfriend ever.

  “See, I’m a horrible person.”

  “You’re not a horrible person Abby. Stop being so hard on yourself. You’re only seventeen and are torn between two great guys, albeit it’s obvious who you’re more in love with.” She gives me a mischievous smile, leaning back in her chair and studies my reaction. I have none, more or less blank look. I know she’s right and it doesn’t make me feel any better.

  “So, I’m ready for this party on Friday night.”

  “Way to change the subject Abby. Trying to deny the truth are ya?” I look away in annoyance. “Alright well the bell is about to ring and I need to go to the bathroom and my locker, so I’m out.” She gets up and dumps her tray. She comes back and pats me on the head like a dog. “Seriously Abby, things will work out the way they’re supposed to. Don’t fret about it too much. Later.” I sit at the table alone, feeling like a complete lame ass. I need new friends.