Back to You

by Annie Brewer

  I used to have beers with Lucas every once in awhile down by the river. His dad was an alcoholic and had alcohol in the house all the time. I tried my first beer in his garage when I was 9. I just wanted to know what the fuss was about. His dad caught us and we didn’t get in trouble. But it was safe to say that I gagged on the stuff. When we were 13, we would sneak some beer in a duffle bag along with food for a picnic and take it to the river. He never noticed some of his beer was missing because he always bought so much, or he would think he drank it and just get more. His mom divorced his dad shortly after and kicked him out as soon as she realized his bad influence on their kids, and poor examples. She remarried a couple years later to her high school sweetheart. They are very happy. They’ve got 4 kids altogether, Lucas and his younger brother Josh and sister Jessica plus his older stepbrother Ashton. I’m happy his mom found Mark. He’s a great father and pretty successful too.

  I always wished I had that kind of stabiliy; my family is so screwed up. I sometimes wish I lived someone else’s life. It dawned on me that I hadn’t really thought of Lucas as much lately, since the day he wanted me to go to the river with him. Yeah, I’ve been avoiding him. But now I suddenly wished he was here.

  “Hey, wanna go outside and get some fresh air?” I briefly nod and follow Brady out the back. There’s an in ground pool with a lot of people swimming and drinking. Looks like fun, though mix a swimming pool and alcohol, it could get pretty dangerous. I walk around to look at all the flowers that are planted in the garden. I inhale the scents and imagine I’m in another place. I’m with Lucas on the beach in Hawaii and we are lying on a blanket having a picnic, talking about our deepest secrets and planning our future. He’s caressing my bare skin on my stomach and we’re laughing. I start smiling wide.

  “Uh, Abby wanna tell me why you’ve got such a goofy grin on your face?” My fantasy gets interrupted by Brady and he looks curious. My smile disappears and anxiety sets in. I want to get away, by myself and clear my head. Mostly I want another beer. “Hey, I’m going to the bathroom then get another beer. I will be back in a few minutes.” He starts walking with me as if it was an invitation for him to tag along. I turn around and look at him. “Hey, can I go alone? I will come right back. I just need a minute by myself.” A crestfallen look flashes across his face and my heart sinks. I don’t like hurting Brady. He doesn’t deserve it, and part of me wants to give in and let him come with me. But I don’t.

  “I’m sorry; I just need a minute to myself. I think the alcohol is making me feel a little sick. I will be back as soon as I can.” Lie. Total lie, the alcohol has nothing to do with it. It’s my selfish desires of wanting something I can’t have, and I want to throw myself a pity party. He gives me a kiss on the cheek and I turn to go inside.

  “Heeeeeey ABBY!” Yeah, Brooke is hammered alright and dancing with some guy from our school. She runs over to me, stumbling over her own feet. I try to suppress a laugh. It’s not often I find my best friend in this drunken state. I catch her before she falls and as she reaches me, I catch a whiff of her breath, and yes it smells very bitter. “Good God, how much have you had to drink Brooke?” She laughs and shrugs her shoulders not answering the question.

  “Hey, I will take care of her. I’m Matt. We have Chemistry together so I’m not some stranger just trying to get into her pants.” I look him up and down and realize he’s being sincere but I give him a skeptical look before handing her over to him. “Okay, please take good care of her. I will be back to check on her in a little bit.” He nods as I hand her over to Matt, and he escorts her to the couch. “I love you Abby!!! I love you! I do! And I know you love Lucas and he loves you!” I gasp and gesture for her to shut up before she draws attention to us.

  “Shhhh! Brooke, that’s enough!” I say in a hushed tone so she can only hear. Finally, Matt gets her attention and distracts her so I leave. I walk back into the kitchen and open the fridge and grab a beer. I walk through the hall and into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. I let out a big breath and glance at my reflection. I will myself to get through this evening with no qualms. I sit down on the toilet seat for a minute trying to collect my thoughts. I close my eyes while I take another drink. I hear a knock on the door telling me it’s time to get out so others can use the bathroom. I get up and quickly splash water on my face, feeling slightly better. You can do this Abby

  I take a deep breath, open the door and sidestep the door knocker. I walk out to the back, where Brady is still waiting for me. He looks up, relieved to see me. “Hey. Sorry it took so long. Brooke is pretty drunk and she’s being taken care of, I think.” Brady takes my hand.

  “No problem.” Then he says “Really? I’ve never seen Brooke drunk. It makes me curious as to what that version of her is like.” I laugh and then remember her revealing my secrets to anyone, who could have heard, if they weren’t drunk. “Yeah, she’s a bit crazy and wild. She was dancing with Matt, who is taking care of her. He seems trustworthy.”

  He gets up and walks away, then looks back, when he realizes I don’t follow. “Well? Let’s go check on her. I need another beer anyway.” I reluctantly follow. I am hoping she’s off somewhere with her hero. I don’t feel like hearing her shout those words to me while Brady is around. We look around for Brooke but don’t see her anywhere. Brady grabs another beer and walks off, continuing to search for her. I look in the first living room, as I’m getting frantic. Hoping I wasn’t wrong about Matt in that he didn’t just want to take advantage of Brooke in her drunken stupor. I turn around and see Matt walking out of the bathroom, with a very drunk Brooke. I walk up to her, grabbing her face and looking in her eyes.

  “Hey, are you okay? Brooke, look at me. Do you need to go home?” She looks at me and puts her hand over my face. Matt has a protective hold of her.

  “Where were you? I was looking for you to check on her.”

  “Sorry, she wasn’t feeling so well. So I took her to the bathroom where she puked for about 15 minutes. I think I’m gonna take her home.” I am both surprised and relieved. It is one less person I have to keep an eye on. I am also grateful that he wants to help her. He seems really nice and I think he’d be a good match for her. I toss the thoughts aside and look at Brooke. Now’s not the time for match making.

  “Hey, Matt is going to take you home okay? You get home and go to sleep. I will call you tomorrow. Do you hear me?” She smiles wide.

  “I love you Abby, you know that? You’re my bestessst friend.”

  “I love you too. But you need to go home and lay down. I will talk to you tomorrow.” I turn to Matt. “Thank you so much for looking after her. Call me if you need anything.” I give him my number. “I love you Brooke, now go home.”

  “It’s no problem Abby. I was getting tired anyway, glad I could help.” Brady walks up to us. “What’s going on?” He looks from Matt to me then at Brooke.

  “Matt is going to take Brooke home. She’s been puking and he offered.”

  “No we can take her.” He tries to take her out of Matt’s grasp but I interfere.

  “No, Matt is fine with it. And I’m not ready to go home yet.” He cocks his head to the side in question.

  “Yeah, it’s really no trouble. I was going to leave anyway. I will get her home safe.” Brady let’s go of Brooke and steps back.

  “Okay man thank you. Be sure you get her home in one piece. Call me if you need us.” Matt nods and leaves. I sit down on the couch, taking a sip of my beer.

  Brady walks over to me and plops down next to me. “You okay?” He asks me.

  “Yeah, why?”

  “You just seem distracted tonight.” A guilty feeling settles in my stomach and I lay my head on his shoulder, wishing I could cry. I realize I have been so selfish. I love Brady but I don’t think I’m in love with him. As much as I want to believe I do, my heart was given away a long time ago and I never got it back.

  So, in reality I don’t reciprocate his love the way he deserves. I wish I could run away
from here, as far as I can. A few of the guys from the football team walk over to us and approach Brady. “Hey we’re going to play some pool, you game?” Derrick asks.

  Brady looks at me, asking permission with his eyes. “Yeah, go ahead. I’m going to explore the house a bit. Go have fun. We’ll meet up in a bit.” He kisses me on my lips. I lean into him and then quickly pull away feeling slightly uncomfortable.

  “Thank you babe. I love you.” He follows the guys into the game room and I’m left sitting on the couch alone. It’s a nice feeling.

  I pat my knees like a drum, looking around at all the people drunk and actin’ like fools. I stand and walk up to the staircase, to explore the second story. There are a slew of people playing games and dancing, much like the first floor. I nod to those I recognize as I pass by. I accidentally bump into someone while heading for the den with the giant television. “Oh I’m sorry.” I notice its Chelsea and she hugs me.

  “Hey Abby. I didn’t know you were here. I’m just about to go downstairs for more alcohol and go swimming. Wanna come with?”

  “Oh no thanks. I’m actually just checking this place out while Brady is playing pool with the guys. I’ll catch ya later maybe. Have fun.” She says bye and goes downstairs.

  I walk down the hall toward one of the bedrooms when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and see Lucas in front of me. My eyes go wide in shock. I did not expect to see him here. I’m about to speak when, he grabs me by the arm and pulls me into a bedroom, closing the door behind us. I protest but he gets in my way and blocks the door.

  “What are you doing? Let me out!” I’m not sure why I’m yelling at him but he’s not in the least affected by the need for my sudden outburst. I move and he moves with me.

  “Abby. Abby stop!” I stop short, taken aback by his tone.

  “What? I can’t be here with you. Brady is down stairs playing pool and if he goes looking for me once he’s done and sees I’m nowhere to be found, he’s gonna freak. I have to go back out there.” I try to grab the door handle. Just as I reach it, Lucas grabs me by the shoulders and shoves me up against the wall, not forcefully though.

  “Why are you ignoring me? Please, talk to me Abby! You know you feel something for me still.” He stares into my eyes and I see a flick of sadness in them. I let out a sigh and he loosens his grip. He places his hands on the wall on either side of me. I turn away, not sure how to respond. My heart beats a million miles a second at the realization that I’m just inches from his body. Only air separates us. I look back at him and notice he’s staring at my lips. He makes eye contact with me again. “Lucas.” I say barely a whisper. His brows furrow.

  “You know I can’t do this. Please don’t make me do this.” At that moment I just want to grab him and kiss him until neither of us has any breath left. He relaxes his arms by his side and moves away from the door. Not wanting to move but knowing I have to, I will my feet to take steps toward the door. I reach the doorknob and turn it, opening slightly Lucas catches the door and shuts it.

  “I can’t do this either.” Then he thrusts me up against the wall again and starts kissing me. Before I realize what’s happening, I grab his face with both of my hands and kiss him intently. He moans against my lips, kissing me with so much force I can’t breathe. “Lucas.” I whisper. He looks at me and lightly runs his finger over my arm and then my neck. “What are we doing?” I ask as I feel chills at his touch.

  “Abby, you can’t deny your feelings any longer. At least I know I can’t. I’ve done it long enough. I want you. Please don’t push me away.” I run my hands through his hair and he leans his head into my hands. His silky hair feels good against my palms. He looks at me, smiling. I melt. Then he leaves trails of kisses along my jaw line down to my collar bone. I fall into him, urging him on, even though my inner subconscious is screaming for me to stop. I dismiss the voice. He presses his body against mine, seizing every bone in my body. In my mind I’m screaming with joy. The realization hits me that I’m actually in his arms and it feels better than my dream that other night.

  “I had a dream similar to this one.” I force out. He stops kissing me, stunned. “Really?” I don’t want him to stop. Why did he stop?

  “Yeah, but this is much better.” Then I grab his bottom lip with my own and nibble on it. A noise escapes his throat and he grabs my arms and pins them above my head, kissing me again. His tongue slips into my mouth, meeting mine halfway. My tongue explores his in a swirling motion, and then I gently suck on it for a few seconds which, I can tell, gets him aroused. I slip my hands under his shirt and massage his back lightly with my fingertips, making circle motions. He squirms and lets out a moan. He grabs me, picking me up gently, then throws me down on the bed and leans over me. We start kissing again and I pull off his shirt. We stare at each other for a minute.

  “God, you’re beautiful!” I smile and pull him down on me, wrapping my legs around his waist. He runs his hands over my bare skin and I close my eyes, trying hard not to scream out in pure delight. He slowly tugs at my shirt and pulls it up over my head and throws it on the floor, running the back of his hand down my arm and over my bra. My heart accelerates at his touch. I roll him off me so he is on his back, and then I straddle him, caressing my hands down his chest. I feel faint and can’t believe this is happening right now. This is pure bliss. He leans up and kisses my chest so softly; it’s almost as if I imagined it. Then the tip of his tongue runs along my ribcage and down to my belly button. Our hands are exploring each other, his are on my back, but he moves them down to the top of my jeans, slipping his fingers just at the tip. I gasp at his touch and feel a flutter.

  Suddenly, I realize that this is farther than I ever went with Brady and I don’t want him to stop, not for a second. Lucas jolts me back to the moment; as he grabs my waist and flips me onto my back so he’s on top of me again and leaning down to kiss me. My tongue runs along his teeth and back into his mouth meshing with his like they belonged together. He pulls away, catching his breath and sits down beside me. What just happened?

  I regain my composure and also slow my breathing, while I sit up. My hair is a crazy mess, so I smooth it out. He gets up off of the bed, bends down to grab our shirts from the floor, and hands me mine. “So, wow, that was something huh?” I look at him like he has two heads.

  “Was it better than your dream?” He teases. I playfully shove him then lay my head in his lap. I take his hand in mine and interlace my fingers through his, observing them. “Lucas, in my dream you told me you never stopped loving me. I kind of told you the same thing because I never did. I just don’t know what to do. I even told my mom about the dream. She loves you, you know. She thinks you’re a great guy for me. I just need some time before I do anything. Will you give me time to sort things out?”

  He took my face in his hands, rubbing his thumbs across my cheeks. “I will give you as much time as you need. I’ve gotta say though, it’s a relief to hear you finally admit your feelings.” I smile and let out a sigh. He lifts my head up as he gets off the bed and kneels down until we are eye level. “I love you Abby. I’ll wait as long as it takes for you to come back to me.” He kisses my forehead and gets up, walking to the door. I start to panic. Is he leaving me?

  “Where are you going?”

  “You need to go back to Brady before he panics and claims you’ve been kidnapped. I’ll be around though. Promise.” Then he’s gone and I’m left alone trying to figure out why I feel so depressed.

  Chapter 11

  I sit awhile longer not in the mood to party anymore. I go to reach for my phone to check on Brooke but realize I left it in the car. A lot of good that does me, especially if Matt had tried calling. I let out a frustrated sigh, resigned to the fact that I have to go back out and face Brady and everyone else.

  In this moment I feel guilty for what I’d just done. I’ve never been the cheating type, it’s never been me. But I also can’t help but feel a sense of satisfaction. I don’t want to leave this roo
m. It’s become my private domain, a secret room that only Lucas and I shared about ten minutes ago. A smile creeps up on my lips, as I lay back on the pillow, wistfully laughing to myself. An image of us on this very bed sneaks into my thoughts. I almost lost my virginity this very night to the one person in my life I always wanted. I reluctantly get off the bed and head for the door, turning to look at the bed one last time before retreating to the mass of party people and the booming music.

  By this time it is 2:30 am and I am getting tired. I find the game room where the guys are all hanging out by the pool table and dart boards, laughing and drinking. I pay no attention to their conversations yet when they see me they all stop talking. I feel self conscious. Brady notices the silence and turns to see me and smiles. “Hey babe. You doing okay?”

  “Yeah, I just need the key to your car so I can get my phone. I want to check on Brooke.” He reaches into his pocket fishing out his keys, handing them to me then takes his hand back.

  “Are you okay? You know, to walk?” I look at him incredulously. Is he serious? I am far from drunk. I could walk a straight line if he needed proof. I may have been slightly buzzed earlier but after the intimate rendezvous with Lucas, I sobered up quicker than I was buzzed. Of course he doesn’t know that and we’ve been apart for a couple hours now so I guess he wouldn’t really know what state I’m in.

  “Yes, I’m perfectly fine. I haven’t drunk anything for the last two hours, give or take.” He looks satisfied at my reply and hands me the keys. Gratefully, I take them and head out of the room. I hear loud laughing and shouting and ignore it, as I walk out of the house. I walk down the steps, past the gate and out to the vacant street. I’m a pretty good distance away from the house and the party. It is a relief to be myself finally. I get so claustrophobic around too many crowds. It’s as bad as my elevator phobia. I start to panic as it gets ready to ascend and I shut my eyes tight until it stops, taking deep breaths. People would look at me funny for my paranoia but I feel it to be justified. I unlock and open the passenger side door and slip in, reaching for my purse to retrieve my phone. It shows no missed calls or texts. A wave of tension falls off my shoulders and I send a text to Brooke to see if she is awake.