Back to You

by Annie Brewer

  “Are you cold?” He asks. Observant.

  “A little.” I say, as I pull up a chair in front of a huge wooden brown desk. I look around and see awards and certificates. “So, this is your office?” He sits down in his leather chair and puts on some eye glasses, which suits him very much. He looks sophisticated.

  “Yes, I use this room as my office. I just remodeled it recently.”

  “What are the awards for?” He looks over his glasses to where I’m looking and says “Oh well, those are certificates. I do part time psychiatric work. I counsel people too.” Wow, he is very successful. He leans back in his chair eyeing me skeptically.

  “So what brings you to my side of town?” He clasps his hands together and keeps them in front of him.

  “I want to apologize for the way I acted the other night. I was really out of line. I’ve been thinking about the situation and Sarah moving in. It’s hard for me to accept that you have changed all of a sudden, but I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt. Mainly for Sarah’s sake. It’s important for her that you two get along. I guess what I’m saying is, I want to give you an honest chance. I need a father too. Maybe we can have a good relationship. I just want to know, why? Why did you leave us all these years? Why didn’t you bother contacting us, to see how we were doing?” Words just keep tumbling out of my mouth. I’ve had years of wondering, and the questions were often endless. He asked me once to move in with him but it was when he first left and I was young and wanted my mommy. But he never thought about us again. At least that I know of. He taps his finger over his pursed lips then leans forward, placing his elbows on his desk and looking me in the eyes.

  “I’m sorry Abigail. I truly am. I know I screwed up. The honest truth is, I wasn’t a good father back then. Your mother and I fought a lot. I was a real asshole to her, especially after what happened. I blamed your mother for a lot of things and I wasn’t happy. I know I shouldn’t have taken it out on you and your sister. When you and Lucas walked in, I knew I’d screwed up beyond repair. I’m sorry Abby. That wasn’t supposed to happen. I guess after your mother and I lost our first baby, it wrecked me. I can’t change the past. Believe me; I would if it was possible. I made a lot of mistakes. But now I want to make it right. I am looking forward to having Sarah here. It will give me a chance to get to know her.” He looks away, and I see wetness near his eyes, which makes me feel worse.

  “Dad, how do you let go of the past? There are some things I can’t forget and it’s going to tear Lucas and I apart if I don’t.” He looks at me, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

  “You and Lucas huh? What happened to Brady?”

  “It’s over. It was always Lucas. I’ve always loved him. I was just too young to understand what that was.” He nods.

  “Yeah, I understand that. Listen honey, Abby I mean. If it’s something you guys can work out, do it. Life is too short to be miserable. If it’s what I think it is, you can get past it. He was young and so were you. Making choices that big is hard when you’re 15. But you need to talk to him about it. Did Sarah tell you about this weekend? It’s a big family gathering. Your aunts and uncles and cousins, which you haven’t seen in years, will be there. Bring Lucas, it will be fun. Everyone would love to see you.”

  “Yea she told me. Lucas is going to come. But you’re right; I do need to talk to him. There is so much I never got a chance to say to him about it, and I just left it stewing in the back of my mind all these years. I think it's time I let it all out. I hope he understands how I feel." I pause. “Do you ever miss mom?” He is caught off guard at my question and leans back in his chair making it move back and forth.

  “I do, but we were never good together. She deserves to be happy, with someone who treats her right. Speaking of which, has she ever dated anyone?” I sadly shake my head.

  “No, she never did. I think she needs to move on but I’m not sure she wants to. Maybe dating is hard for her. Guys can jump from woman to woman with no second thought. But girls, women…excluding me have a hard time. Why is that?” I ask, genuinely concerned my mother might end up alone for the rest of her life.

  “Women have a tendency to wear their heart on their sleeve. Now I’m not saying all men are like that but men, in general, can get over break ups and divorces faster. It’s just the nature of the male species. They don’t get as attached, well most don’t. Women are more sensitive and passionate whereas men are pigs.” He says it with such conviction; I wonder if he’s talking about himself. That’s too true. Maybe that’s why she won’t date, she’s afraid of getting hurt again. Still, it sucks to think of her being alone. I lean back in my chair, looking up at the ceiling.

  “Maybe she needs closure.” I state not looking at him.

  “Didn’t I give her enough closure when I left? I still care about her and want her to be happy. I never meant to hurt her or you for that matter. You were so young to have seen that. To think, what you would have went through after I left.”

  “I had Lucas. He’s the only reason I didn’t go completely insane. He helped me through it.” I push the memories aside from that day but think about how lucky I was to have had him around. Maybe I should forget the past; it isn’t worth fighting over and losing him.

  “You both had a lot in common. I’m glad he was there for you. Forget the past.”

  “His father was abusive too, apparently. I only recently found out.”

  “He was an alcoholic, it’s not uncommon.” He states as a matter of fact.

  “I wasn’t there for him. He leant me his shoulder to cry on over you everyday for awhile. I even cursed at him when I was having a bad day. I didn’t realize how much he suffered, but who was there for him when he needed a shoulder?” He gets out of his chair and sits at the corner of his desk facing me. I avoid eye contact, looking anywhere but at him.

  “Let me ask you something. You said that you only recently found out about the abuse, right?” I look at him and nod. “Okay, well I think that he didn’t want to burden you with his problems so he kept it to himself. Maybe he dealt with the problems in his life privately, but he knew you were hurting and needed comforting, so he put your needs first.”

  “That makes me feel better.” I say sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

  “Just talk to him about it if it bothers you. He can’t read your mind.” Then he stops and thinks about it for a minute before asking,

  “Have you and Lucas?” I did not come here to talk about my sex life to a man, whom I’m beginning to get to know as a father, after all these years. Hell no, not going there.

  “I plead the fifth.”

  “Hmm, okay well I can take a hint. Too soon was it?” He smirks and I stick my tongue out at him.

  “Very mature Abby.” Yeah, that was kind of immature I’ll admit, but not to him.

  “Dinner is ready honey.” We hear Jaclyn yell from downstairs.

  “Are you hungry?” Eating dinner with his family is a little awkward, but then again, I wouldn’t mind getting to know Christopher. The idea of sitting at a table with a family that could become mine puts a smile on my face. “Uh, yeah that would be great.” We go downstairs and meet Jaclyn in the kitchen. “I’ve invited Abby to stay for dinner. Is that okay?” He asks his wife, like he needs permission.

  “Of course. I made enough, just in case.” She winks at me then walks into the dining room where the table is set up with food. The dining room is painted a dark green and is very inviting.

  “Hey are you eating with us?” Christopher walks into the dining room and sits down where his small plastic plate is set.

  “Yes, she is Christopher.” My dad answers him.

  “Yay! I really like you.” The little girl who I hadn’t met yet comes in and tousles Christopher’s hair playfully. “You like everyone.” Then she kisses his cheek and sits down at the table across from me. “What’s your name?” She asks me.

  “I’m Abby. And your name?”

  “Madison but everyone calls me Madd
y.”

  “It’s nice to meet you Maddy.” She smiles and takes a sip of her lemonade.

  “Kids, I’d like you to finally meet your half sister.” My dad says taking his place at the head of the table. They wave to me, a little surprised.

  “So, Abby what do you plan on doing after graduation? You only have a month left.” Jaclyn asks me as she passes the mashed potatoes to my father. She made fried chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans, rice and rolls. It smells and looks delicious. My stomach growls in hunger. I grab a roll and smother butter on it then serve some green beans on my plate. “Well, I wanted to possibly move to New York and be in theatre, actually Broadway musicals.” She gives an impressed look.

  “That’s nice. I’ve always loved musicals. Have you been to New York?”

  “No, I have not had the opportunity to leave this state unless we were on family vacations. But that was very rare and I was young.”

  “It’s a very busy place. I couldn’t live there, but I love to visit.” The rest of dinner is pleasant and we discuss interests, movies, books, music and even sports. I am not really on the up and up with all sports unless it’s high school. Madison is 8 years old and very smart. She seems like a good big sister to Christopher and they get along really well. For once, it feels like I have a real family and there’s no arguing or yelling or anyone getting into trouble like at my house.

  “So are you seeing anyone Abby?” Jaclyn asks me.

  “Yes, his name is Lucas. He’s coming to the family function thing going on this weekend.”

  After dinner, I help Jaclyn clear the table and wash the dishes. She washes, I dry and put away. “You’re a great helper. I appreciate it.” Jaclyn says gratefully.

  “It’s what I was raised to do. It’s no problem.” I answer.

  “I’m really sorry how things turned out for you. I can’t imagine what you went through as a kid.” I stop drying for a minute and look at her.

  “I don’t want to talk about this now. The pain I’ve felt all these years isn’t going to magically go away after one meal.” Her eyes widen in shock and she looks embarrassed.

  “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I just want to be friends. Forgive my bluntness.” I ignore her and continue drying the dishes. Once we’re done I find my father and tell him I have to leave. I’m getting tired and need to get home. He saunters out of the living room and walks me to the door.

  “Thank you for coming over Abby. I’m glad we got to talk. I really hope you see that I want you and Sarah in my life. I’m just sorry it took so many years to get there.”

  I stand in the doorway. “Yeah, I guess perhaps there was a reason for that. But we’ll see you this weekend. Have a good night.” I walk out to my car as my dad waves from the still open door before shutting it. I drive home.

  I lie in my bed and watch some TV before going to sleep. I hear a knock at my door. “Come in.” Sarah opens the door and walks in leaving it open a crack. “Hey, where ya been all night?”

  “Honestly, I was at dad’s house.”

  “Shut up.” Sarah says as she sits down on my bed. “Where were you really?”

  “I was eating dinner at dad’s house. I went there after school. We talked, about everything. Got some answers and then it was dinner time and he invited me to stay. So I did.”

  “Wow, unbelievable.” Sarah's mouth was hanging open. She is obviously shocked.

  “I think you’re going to enjoy it there Sarah.”

  “Really? You think so?”

  I hit her in the arm and then drop my head on her shoulder. It's true though. By what I witnessed tonight, it looks like a place that Sarah will love living. I know that I'm going to miss her, even though she annoys the hell out of me, but I think there is a reason for everything. So, I hope our father can finally make it up to her, and me. “Yeah, I really think so. I was eating dinner with them and I felt at home. It felt like a real family dinner. It was nice. We have a half brother and sister and they are so cute.”

  “What do they look like?”

  “Christopher, who is six, has light blonde hair and blue eyes. Madison, she goes by Maddy and she’s eight. She has brown hair and green eyes.”

  “Wow, total opposites. That’s so cool. I’m really glad you met them and talked to dad. Thank you Abby. It means a lot that you did this.”

  “I did it for you, at first. But then when I was there, talking to him I realized that I needed it too. His wife is pretty hot I have to admit.” We both laugh. She kisses my head and leaves the room, not without pausing by the door.

  “I love you Abby. You’re the best sister.”

  “I love you. Goodnight Sarah.” She leaves my room, closing my door. I sink under the covers and pass out.

  Chapter 23

  I walk into the cafeteria at lunch, looking for Lucas or Brooke. I hear my name being called and walk over to where the crew is sitting, Brooke, Brady, Lucas and even Sarah. I realize that things might work out after all. I smile and head for the table.

  “Well, look at this. Everyone is sitting together.” I observe in awe.

  “Yeah, it’s a Kodak moment. Quick, take a picture.” Sarah scoffs. I stick my tongue out at her.

  “Hey, I got you some lunch babe.” Lucas says, gesturing to a tray of delicious food. What does he think, I’m gonna eat all of this? I sit down, licking my lips. “Thanks, but I doubt I could eat it all. I will have to take some home. But it was very thoughtful of you.” I kiss him on the cheek and start with the Caesar salad then pizza.

  “Tell us Abby, how was it at your dad’s last night?” Brooke asks while she takes a sip of her coke. She and Brady are sitting so close, snuggly. They look happy, like they were made for each other. I smile to myself. I don’t remember ever looking stupidly happy with him and if I did, it was for show. It’s sad but it’s true. He was just my I-need-to-get-over-and-move-on-from-Lucas boyfriend. Selfish, I know. And it’s not like it really worked. But I’m happy for him now, and Brooke. They both deserve to be happy. I pick up my cheeseburger, observing its contents and sink my teeth into it. Grease drips onto the table but I don’t wipe it up. I just keep eating.

  “Looks like you’re enjoying your food a little too much there Abby.” Sarah says with a disgusted look on her face. I nod my head excitedly, not daring to say a word, or rather spray a word.

  Sharing is caring, but I doubt anyone would appreciate me sharing my chewed cheeseburger.

  “Ugh. This food is nasty. How can you people eat this shit?” I swallow the last of my bite and take a sip of my coke to wash down every last bit of food before speaking. “Sarah, you eat like a bird. Try putting some meat on your bones.” She snickers. “I eat healthy, thank you very much. I don’t call this garbage healthy.”

  Truth is, Sarah eats pretty healthy. She used to be really skinny-sick skinny. We thought she was anorexic. The doctor told us it was due to stress. After our father left us, she didn’t eat or sleep. She would sneak food into her room and pretend to eat it. I caught her stashing her food in a trash bag, which she placed in her closet. I would spy on her and when I thought it was getting out of hand, I confronted her. She begged me not to tell our mom. She was good at getting rid of the evidence before her room started to smell of old food. My mother never suspected a thing. “This is becoming a problem Sarah. You need help, you’re too skinny.” I had said.

  “I know. But all the girls my age are skinny. Go nag them about eating.” Sarah shot back.

  “I don’t care about all the girls your age. I care about you and you have a problem. You need to see a doctor.” She was getting angry at this point.

  “Leave me alone. Quit butting into my life.” She was raising her voice and my mother burst into the room. “What’s going on girls? What’s the shouting for?” She had her hands on her hips.

  “Tell her Sarah.” I encouraged. She glared at me. “Piss off Abby.” So I took it upon myself to address the issue. Even if I was a snitch, it was only because I was wor
ried. She looked bad and her eyes had no life in them. They were normally bright and beautiful. Instead they became dull and dead. I hated seeing her so sick. I think she was too embarrassed to admit she had a problem. “Sarah has a problem, mom. She needs to go to the doctor and get help. She doesn’t eat or sleep much.” My mom looked at Sarah, puzzled. “Is this true?” Sarah looked away and sat on her bed. “No and I hate you Abby. Get out of my room.” I walked up to her and stared her down, angry. “No, you need to admit you have an illness. Family helps each other out in hard times. I’m sorry I told your secret but its better than saying goodbye at your funeral. And if it makes me a bad sister then so be it.” She started to cry and my mom sat down next to her rubbing her back. “Honey, please talk to me.” After informing our mother of sneaking food to her room and throwing it away and spending many nights crying herself to sleep, she got help. She was put on all you can eat diet. She eventually gained weight and muscle, and she learned to eat healthy.

  “Abby, come back to us Abby.” I hear Brooke’s voice. I look around at the staring faces. I look at my food and slowly pick at my fruit. How long was I out of it? I wonder.

  “So watcha thinking about? You were totally spaced out.” Sarah teases.

  “I was just remembering something.”

  “What?” Sarah presses. I think about telling her the memory but figure it would probably open old wounds, better not to go there.

  “Nothing.”

  “How about the fact that you never answered how it went with your dad last night.” Brooke chimes in.

  “Oh that’s right. Yeah, it went really well. Better than I expected. We have a half brother and sister and our dad,” I say to Sarah “works part time as a psychiatrist.”

  “Hell yeah, I get shrink advice for free. Sweet.” Sarah beams. Lucas rubs my shoulders for a minute and I forget what we are talking about. I close my eyes and memorize his touch.