Rachel's Garden

by Marta Perry

  Moments later the dress of Becky’s that she was shortening for Mary lay in her lap, the needle stuck through the hem, while her mind was caught in the now-familiar groove of worrying about her relationship with her parents.

  Leah had sent Daniel over with the children for a short visit, a mute gesture of support. Aaron and Lovina had stopped by, Lovina’s merry chatter filling up the silent corners of the old house. But Mamm and Daadi hadn’t come, their absence clearly proclaiming their disapproval for all to see.

  Johnny had been strong enough, or willful enough, to pursue his dream without their consent or support. She didn’t think she was. How could she keep insisting that her way was right, if those who loved her best thought it wrong?

  A tear dropped on the light blue cotton of the child’s dress, and she blotted it away.

  Lights crossed the front windows, and tires crunched on the gravel lane. She put the mending basket on the floor, her movement jerky. What if it was Carver, come to press her for a decision again?

  She crossed to the window and peered out. Relief swept through her, gentling every frazzled nerve. It was Johnny.

  By the time he reached the porch, she had the door open.

  “I didn’t expect you tonight.” She hugged him, pressing her cheek against his clean-shaven one, aware as she always was of the sense of oddness about that. “How gut it is to see you.”

  “Good to see you, too.” He gave her an extra squeeze, his gaze sweeping the room. “It’s okay?”

  She nodded. “No one else is here.” She turned away, busying herself with taking his jacket and hanging it on the back of a chair. “It’s been quiet today.”

  “I heard.”

  She swung toward him, staring into the blue eyes that were so like her own. “Heard what?”

  “That you announced at the work frolic that you were starting your business. That the folks weren’t exactly supportive.”

  “But ...” Her mouth was probably gaping. “How did you find out about that?”

  He shrugged, the movement fluid under the fine knit of the shirt he wore—blue, to match his eyes. “I have my sources.”

  “I don’t understand what you mean.” Who among the Plain People in the valley had a relationship with Johnny, other than herself? “Did Leah tell you?”

  His gaze slid away from hers. “Never mind that.” He set the bag he carried on the round table where the children had played a board game earlier. “I know you’re disappointed about Daad, but you can’t let it get you down.”

  “That’s not so easy.” Her hands gripped each other. “I’m not like you. I can’t go against them.”

  “You won’t have to.” He clasped her tense hands in his, and his strong grip warmed her. “Daad will come around. You’ll see. Give Mamm a chance to work on him.”

  “He didn’t come around for you.” Her fingers tightened on his. How much Mamm would give to be here right now, touching him, even just looking at him.

  “Think a minute.” Johnny’s tone was brisk, as if he’d willed all emotion away. “The two things aren’t the same at all. What you want to do isn’t against the Ordnung. It isn’t anything that dozens of other Amish right here in Pleasant Valley aren’t doing. Starting a business, especially one that you can run right out of your home, is perfectly acceptable.”

  “Those other dozens aren’t young widows whose family thinks she ought to do something else.” But even as she said the words, she felt heartened by Johnny’s support.

  “Daad will come around,” he repeated. “You know he wants what’s best for you and the children, and once he sees this is it, he’ll be there for you.”

  “Maybe.” She wanted to believe that. “And will Isaac come around, too?”

  “You worry too much about what people think.” He pulled out a chair and sat down at the table, unzipping the bag he’d carried in. “Who cares what Isaac thinks? I want you to take a look at this instead.” He slid a folder onto the table.

  She cared, although it seemed her brother had moved so far from the Amish way of thinking that he wouldn’t understand that. She cared about the opinions of every member of her church family, and especially about those of Ezra’s brother.

  Still, did that caring mean she should give up something she felt was right for her?

  She pressed her fingers against her temple, wishing that would still the argument that raged in her mind.

  Please, Father. Please guide me, because I don’t know what to do. I want to follow Your will, but I must understand what it is.

  “Okay, here it is.” Johnny spread out a sheaf of papers. “Tell me what you think of this.”

  She looked. Blinked. And looked again. It seemed to be—it was—an advertisement, like one that might appear in the newspaper.

  Rachel’s Garden, it read. Perennials, annuals, shrubs-40 Black Creek Road. No Sunday sales.

  She touched the page with her fingertips, marveling that seeing the simple words in black and white should make her dream seem so close to reality.

  “It’s beautiful.” She blinked back the tears that filled her eyes. “But I can’t—it’s not appropriate—”

  “Sure it is.” Johnny flipped open another folder. “You think I didn’t do my homework on this? Look, here are the ads put in by other Amish businesspeople. If they can do it, why can’t you?”

  She leaned over his shoulder to look. That was true enough. No one objected, so far as she knew. Even Bishop Mose’s harness shop had an advertisement.

  “Most people put small box ads in the local shopping paper. And in the booklets put out by the tourist association. You can put this up on the bulletin boards in stores, too.” He swung around to face her, his gaze intent. “I’m not urging you to do anything that would cause problems with the church. I wouldn’t do that.”

  The concern in his voice touched her. Johnny, who had seemed so impatient with her need to follow the rules, was now going out of his way to do so for her.

  She touched his shoulder lightly. “You’ve done all this for me?”

  Johnny put his hand over hers. “You’ve done more than that for me.” His fingers tightened. “Just seeing me—making me a part of your life again—”

  He stopped, his voice choking, and ducked his head. The light from the lantern above the table reflected from the gold of his hair, cut short over his ears.

  “Johnny—” A mix of love and loss wrapped tightly around her throat. “I didn’t see that it mattered so much to you. I thought you were happy in your new life.”

  His shoulders shrugged, the movement jerky under her hand. “Happy? I don’t know if happy is the right word. I’m satisfied, I guess.” His fingers tightened on hers so hard she nearly gasped. “I wouldn’t give it up, Rachel. Understand that. I couldn’t. I’ll never come back. But it still feels as if a part of me is missing. It still hurts.”

  She wrapped her arms around him, pressing her cheek against his hair. He was her brother, her twin, the other half of herself, she’d always thought. “I wish I could make it better.”

  “I know.” For just a moment he leaned into her. Then he straightened. “I made my choice, and I don’t regret it. But I can’t forget about you, or stop trying to help you. When Gid told me about it ...”

  He stopped, his voice trailing off.

  “Gideon? You were talking to Gideon Zook?”

  “Yeah, well, I ran into him.” He rustled the papers into order, needlessly, it seemed. “Just happened to see him, and we got to talking. Anyway, I should have heard about it from you, shouldn’t I? Why didn’t you let me know what was going on?”

  “I ... I wasn’t sure how you’d feel about it. The last time I saw you—”

  He grimaced, as if that memory was still sore. “Guess that wasn’t one of the good times, was it? Well, it doesn’t change anything between us. You’re still my sister. I still love you.”

  “Ser gut.” She smiled, touching his face lightly. “I love you, too.”

  But even as
she sat down next to him and listened to his ideas for her business, she wondered if starting it was really possible.

  And she wondered even more how and why her brother had been talking to Gideon Zook.

  “Why did you talk to my brother about me?”

  Gideon’s gaze jerked to the doorway of his shop, the metal piece he’d been working on clattering to the table.

  Rachel stood there, her slender shape dwarfed by the giant doors of what had been one of the earliest barns built in the valley.

  “Rachel?”

  He walked toward her, his mind trying to process her words. Had she found out about his arrangement with Johnny? How could she have?

  “I’m sorry—I’m just surprised to see you.” Playing for time, he gestured her in. “You’ve never been in my shop before, have you? Komm. Welcome.”

  She stalked into the barn with quick, determined strides, very unlike the way she usually moved. Waves of irritation, if not outright anger, swept toward him, and she shook her head, either to say that she hadn’t been there before or to shake off his question.

  “I need to talk to you. You didn’t come today.”

  “I have to finish the blades for the windmill before I go any further.” He motioned toward the worktable behind him. “Would you like to see?”

  She gave the work area a cursory glance. “I want to know about you and Johnny.”

  Maybe it was a gut thing to have the reputation of taking things slow and steady. At least he didn’t have to rush an answer to that. He leaned against the worktable. “What about Johnny?”

  She made a short, chopping gesture with her right hand. “Johnny said that you’d told him about—about what happened at the work frolic. About Daad ...”

  Her voice faded. The annoyance in her face faded, too, as if a lamp had been extinguished. Pain took its place, so strong that it punched him in the heart.

  He longed to protect her. Comfort her. He couldn’t, but he also couldn’t resist touching her shoulder.

  “I’m sorry,” he said softly.

  She leaned against him. It startled him, the feel of her head against his shoulder. He held her, not letting himself think of the past or the future, just cherishing the moment.

  It was over too soon. She straightened, pulling away, giving a shaky laugh.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so foolish. I just ... I just need to know what’s happening.”

  “I see.” He did. But if he told her everything, how would she react? “I saw Johnny, ja.”

  She swung toward him. “But why? I mean—you know he’s under the bann. Why did you talk to him—tell him?”

  “Ja, I know, but it seemed to me he had a right to know.” Memory painted an image in his mind, and he smiled. “I remember how you two were as children. Like two peas in a pod, you were, and just as close, ain’t so?”

  Her lips curved, almost reluctantly, her face softening so that for an instant she was that child he remembered. “Ja. We were that.”

  “Well, so, I thought you could use some family support. He’s family, for all he looks and sounds like an Englischer.”

  “He is family.” She looked stronger, just saying the words. Taking a deep breath, she seemed to shed some of the tension that had been driving her. “But your talking to him without telling me—that I didn’t like.”

  “I’m sorry.” If she didn’t like his speaking to Johnny, he could just imagine how she’d feel about his plotting with Johnny behind her back.

  “But I guess you did it for the best.” She reached toward him in a movement that seemed impulsive. “Denke, Gideon.”

  He clasped her hand gently in his, nodding.

  For a moment they stood there, hands clasped. And then she moved away.

  Now it was his turn to take a deep breath. He needed it. But apparently the storm was over.

  She was looking around the shop, seeming to see it for the first time since she’d walked in the door. “You said you had to work in the shop today?”

  “Ja.” Relief at the change of subject washed through him. He swung his hand toward the work table. “Once I finish the blades, I’ll be back up on the tower again.”

  She moved between the table and the workbench, glancing around at the workbenches, the generator for his power tools, the wooden partitions against the back wall that held lumber. The corner nearest him was fitted up as his office, with his always-cluttered desk and his filing cabinets.

  He perched on the corner of the desk, watching her. What did she see when she looked around? He always saw the work that had saved his life when he hadn’t wanted to go on.

  “It’s a gut big space for your work.”

  “Believe me, Aaron hated to give up this old barn, even though he has a fine new one. Lovina says he’d have filled it up with more goats if she hadn’t jumped in and convinced him I needed it for my shop.”

  “Lovina is a determined woman.”

  “Ja, she is.” Interfering, some might say, but he appreciated her. She’d known what he needed. He patted the gray metal file cabinets. “If not for her, I’d probably keep my records in a shoe box.”

  Rachel stared at the cabinets for a moment, her expression unreadable. “Tell me something. If I looked at those records, would I find that you charged me the same amount for the windmill that you charged other people?”

  The swing back into dangerous territory took him off guard. He cleared his throat. If he were the kind of man who could think quickly on his feet, he might come up with an answer for her. Instead he could only sit there, feeling like a dumb animal.

  Rachel’s eyebrows lifted in a mute repeat of the question. He couldn’t evade an answer.

  “No. You wouldn’t.”

  She made a pushing away motion with her hands and started to turn. And he knew that he couldn’t let her reject this.

  He slid from the desk and caught her arm, turning her back to face him, trying to ignore the fact that he could feel the warmth of her skin through the fabric of her sleeve.

  “Stop, Rachel. Think this through. If I had been building the windmill for Ezra, like I offered to do several times, would I have expected to charge him the same as I’d charge a stranger?”

  She kept her gaze stubbornly averted from his. “We’re not talking about Ezra.”

  He stifled the urge to give her a gentle shake. “Answer the question. Would I?”

  “No.” She glared at him. “But that’s different.”

  “How is it different?” He would not repeat all the things he’d already said. If she didn’t understand the reason behind his need to help her by now, she probably never would.

  “It ... it just is.” For a moment confusion clouded the clear blue of her eyes. “You’re trying to put me in the wrong. That I don’t like. It is different, and you know it. Ezra was able to help you out with things, just as you helped him. I can’t.”

  Anger flicked him. “Are you saying that my friendship with him was some kind of business arrangement? That we’d do for each other only because we’d get paid back?”

  That got through to her. “No. Of course I’m not saying that. It’s just that ...” Her voice trailed off. For once, it seemed, Rachel could think of no argument to make.

  “Bear one another’s burdens,” he quoted softly. “If Ezra had come away from the accident injured, I would have done his work gladly. Since he didn’t come away at all, how much more must I want to help? Would you deprive me of that?”

  “You are right. I know that.” But still, her gaze was troubled. “But building the windmills is your business. You’re probably losing someone else’s business while you’re building mine, ain’t so?”

  “Ach, I’m sure I’m losing a wonderful heap of business.” Relief that she seemed to be accepting his words brought a smile to his face.

  “Well, you might be.”

  “Listen to me, Rachel Brand. I would do it anyway You know that. But it’s a gut thing that I can work on your windmill at my own p
ace.” He slapped his bad leg. “This still isn’t as strong as it should be. Anyone else might expect me to be going full speed. You don’t seem to mind if I take a day off now and again.”

  “No.” She returned the smile. “No, I don’t mind.”

  “Are we all right now about this?”

  “Maybe I overreacted a little bit.” She shook her head. “I don’t know. I just don’t like the feeling that other people are making plans for me behind my back. Talking about my business, like you and Johnny did.”

  “I explained about that.” Would she never let it go? “I just ran into him at—”

  His mind went blank. Where might Johnny have said they’d run into each other, when they’d actually met at the home of one of her brother’s friends?

  Suspicion tightened Rachel’s lips. “Were you lying to me about meeting my brother then, Gideon Zook? Because if you were, you’d best tell me the truth of it right now.”

  “I ... Maybe you should ask Johnny that.” That was a feeble answer, and he knew it. How had he managed to get himself into such a pickle, anyway? Because Rachel was one stubborn woman, that was how.

  “I will ask my brother.” The anger that flared in her eyes didn’t bode well for John. “Right now I’m asking you, and I’m expecting a truthful answer.”

  “All right. The truth of it is that I have seen Johnny. Several times over the past month. Sometimes at the clinic, sometimes at the home of a friend of his.”

  Was it only his imagination that she’d paled? He didn’t think so, and he blamed himself for it.

  “Why?” Her breath seemed to catch on the word. “Why, Gideon? Why have you been meeting with my brother behind my back? Why didn’t you come right out and tell me, whatever it is?”

  “Because you’re too stubborn, that’s why.” It was a relief to feel a bit of anger at her. “You didn’t want to let me help you, even when you needed it. You wouldn’t accept help from your brother, either.”

  She was definitely paler. “You know the reason for that, just as well as I do. Johnny is under the bann.”

  “I know.” His voice gentled. This wasn’t easy for her, and probably Johnny, with that stubborn streak that matched hers, hadn’t made it any easier. “But Johnny’s not coming back, no matter what. And he had to find a way to help you. There has to be a way to help those we love.”