The Amazing Adventure

by Adam Clark

Illana had awkwardly agreed to a deal with Grigor in order to stay aboard the ship, and not have to walk the space-plank. He’d agreed to give her a room and food, in exchange for her doing the cooking and giving hygiene tips to the crew. The only thing they’d eaten since leaving the port a few weeks ago were sweets and fish fingers. The arrival of someone who knew how to cook was a very welcome event.

  In an attempt to prove herself she set about forcing the whole crew to bathe that afternoon, in groups. Many of them had found things lost aeons ago in the depths of their un-kempt beards. Various magical artifacts, explosives and Ol' Greg even found a family of owls living in his beard. He decided to keep them there and even name them.

  She had to put up a few un-solicited approaches from some of the more headstrong members of the crew, but she was a strongly principled woman and was waiting for the perfect man to sweep into her life and take her away to live forever in his magical rainbow castle. Plus, she was a lesbian super-model.

  At that moment she was on the deck showing another group of pirates the correct procedure needed for teeth cleaning. Chainsaw Boy was watching from a table set up in the corner of the deck. The space and stars that surrounded them provided an amazing backdrop for the demonstration.

  “Now that’s a fine ass” Grigor said as he patted Chainsaw-boy on the back. As usual Grigor was wearing a suit, which was completely at odds with his long shaggy hair and matching beard, he still gave off an aura of intimidation and was an incredibly impressive person. Even the pipe he was smoking gave off an aura of awesomeness.

  “Dude, she has feelings you know. But you're right” They high-fived. It was Epic.

  “Wait, she? I’m a guy, what are you on!”

  “I thought you were talking about…” Chainsaw-Boy noticed that Grigor could see his own reflection in a mirror that had been set-up on the deck to help Illana’s demonstrations. “Ah, I understand now.”

  “Has she got any plans for what she's going to do when we get to the asteroid?” Grigor inquired.

  “Well, a big floating ball of ice doesn't really give many options to a lesbian supermodel, why?”

  “I'm putting together a team, it’s going to be the most lethal task force in the galaxy, it's going to get the Dragon Heart back with no fuss and complete professionalism.”

  “Is this force going to consist of say, me, you, Napalm and Illana perchance?”

  “Yes... How did you guess that? You’re not psychic are you? Get out of my head!” Grigor shouted at him.

  “I’m not psychic, we're the only named characters so far in this part of the novel, so it kind of makes sense you know”

  “Now you mention it, that does make sense” He puffed on his pipe nonchalantly. “Regardless, I need her on the team. Napalm's been torn up about having to leave his killer whale friends behind, and she seems to be the only one with the potential to get him back to normal.”

  “Your method of telling him to man the fuck up didn't work then?”

  “Basically, no. These women have a magical mastery over words and feelings that I will never understand.”

  “Tell me about it” Chainsaw boy said while trying to remove the peel from the orange that he had balanced on the table with one of his chainsaw arms, needless to say, he was making a mess. “Stupid oranges, how long until we get there anyway?”

  “Should be arriving soon,” he pointed to a small glint out in space, “that’s the asteroid there. I can't wait to get there and smash up Herstaff’s life”. With that, Grigor left the deck to go below and sharpen his collection of axes. Chainsaw boy was left alone to look at Illana, and damn, she did have a fine ass.

  On the other side of the ship, at the helm, Napalm was standing. He was blindingly drunk, so drunk he couldn't see, but that was the only way the pain of missing his beloved whales could be properly cured. He obviously was not currently the best man for the job, but, he was the only one who could steer the boat, and they were nearing the asteroid.

  “Whuzzzat?!” He shouted and pointed from the helm, which was more holding him up than being steered.

  “That would be me sir” his first mate told him, being vigorously pointed at.

  “Ok, hand me that err.. doobie there son.” The first mate handed him the ‘doobie’. Stumbling backwards he took a long drag, threw it overboard, then turned back to grab the helm with both hands.

  “Whuzzafuckiszat!” Napalm exclaimed with a voracious amount of alarm in his voice.

  “That would be Ol 'Greg sir.”

  “Whazzhe doing wiz those owls?”

  “Um... he appears to be feeding them sir.” Sure enough he was hand feeding the owls that had made a nest in his beard. “Sir, is there any chance you could steer the ship, we're about to collide with that light cruiser.”

  “Ah yeah, I'll do some of that steering thing.” He spun the wheel arbitrarily and narrowly avoided the small ship. Much to the annoyance of the ship, which had right of way. The space around them was now becoming busy with the hundreds of ships that were coming and going from the port.

  Napalm had a natural instinct that came from centuries of doing the same thing over and over again, because within seconds of avoiding the collision he fell asleep on the wheel, but he still somehow managed to land them safely into the space port with only a few near crashes. He appeared to be sleep-driving, spinning the wheel seemingly randomly in very jerky, exaggerated movements. Most disturbingly, his eyes were closed the whole time.

  No-one dared wake him in case the magic was broken and they crashed. After about twenty minutes of dodging through the port, he managed to parallel park the ship in a rather quiet corner of the port. When the crew found it was impossible to wake him up they decided was probably best to leave him slumped over the wheel while they unloaded and got the ship shored up.

  Grigor found Illana sitting on the deck looking out over the port and the town behind, she looked rather forlorn.

  “Hey, do you have any plans now?”

  “Well, I guess I'll have to go find a job, start a new life out here” she said in her thick Italian accent.

  “You don't have to, I have a proposition for you. How would you like to join my crack team? We’re going to steal the Dragon Heart back from Herstaff.” Illana thought about this briefly, before coming to a quick decision.

  “I don't have anything better to do with my life right now, I'll join your team. Do we have a kick-ass name?”

  “I was thinking, 'Grigor the Destructionator and the Magnitudes of Awesome' you guys would be the magnitudes.”

  “It’s a bit of a handful and it doesn't make sense, but I like it!”

  “Good” he said with a smile. “Go down to the armoury and get them to sort you out with some armour and weapons.” Grigor looked out over the port and the small town, the sunset striking his profile giving his words a certain depth. “It’s going to be dangerous from here on in, babe.”