Plastic Hearts

by De Jong, Lisa

  “We’re going. I’m not wasting my time here anymore,” Dane said in a controlled voice. He was done fighting.

  Dane’s mom finally stood up from her chair. “Don’t go. We haven’t even had cake yet.”

  “I don’t care about the cake,” Dane said as he moved us toward the door, holding me tight to his side. As we reached the door, he turned us back around where his mom was standing in the kitchen doorway. “Mom, I know you’re trying hard to make up for all those years you weren’t around, but why don’t you focus on helping him instead of feeding his addiction? You of all people should know what it takes to break it. I’m not going to sit here for another minute and let him tear apart my girlfriend while you pretend everything is fine. Everything is not fine; it hasn’t been for thirteen years.”

  She grabbed her throat as she began to sob. “Dane, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please don’t go. I just wanted us to have a nice family dinner.” My heart broke for the woman who had lost her way when her daughter died.

  He placed his hand on the knob. “It may be a little too late for that. Sorry, Mom, I can’t do this,” he said as we exited through the door. I didn’t remember the walk from the apartment to the car. I was in such a haze. I felt bad for Dane, but at the same time Nolan’s words cut me. Would Dane leave me as soon as I had sex with him? He wasn’t like that, was he? One hour ago, I had myself convinced that Dane was all I needed and now I was so confused.

  Dane opened the passenger door and helped me in before reaching across to buckle my seatbelt. There was question in his eyes as he stared at me. I had to look away because I was scared of what I would see. Was everything his brother said true? It all brought me back to some of the things Chris said that night at the club.

  “Baby, please look at me.” I squeezed my eyes shut and silently counted to ten before looking back in his direction. “I’m so sorry. I knew this was a bad idea, but I didn’t think it would turn out like this.”

  “Can you just take me home? I’m tired and I need some time to think,” I said, taking a deep breath to hold back the tears that threatened. I felt so lost and confused. I needed time to myself.

  “Fuck, I knew it was a bad idea to bring you here,” he said, running his hand through his hair. “Alex, please. Don’t let what happened in there come between us.” He reached up to rub his thumb over my cheek.

  I closed my eyes. “What Nolan said, is it true?” I opened my eyes again to see him as he answered. I needed to know the truth.

  “I’m not going to lie. I’ve been with a lot of girls, but not like he said. You’re special, Alex. The other girls don’t matter to me and I can’t see anyone in my future besides you. Don’t you see that, Baby?” I wanted to cry. This whole night had been so exhausting. I hated doubt, but I wasn’t immune to it.

  I took a deep breath. I knew Dane better than to let Nolan’s words get in my head. If Dane wanted only one thing from me, he wouldn’t be spending all his time getting to know me. “He just said all this stuff and, God, I’ve never heard anyone talk like that.”

  “I’m sorry, Baby. You have to trust me. I’m not like that anymore,” he said, cupping my face in his hands. I felt myself softening under his touch. He hadn’t done anything to deserve my mistrust.

  I leaned into his hand. “I do trust you. Is that what all your family dinners are like?”

  “If Nolan is there, they can get like that. When he doesn’t show up, they are much quieter. I promise I won’t make you go to one again. When I’ve calmed down enough to have dinner with my mom again, she can come to my place. No Nolan, I promise.” His eyes were full of sadness. I wanted to show him that we were okay. I ran my hands through his hair before bringing his mouth to mine. When our lips finally met, I became lost in the feelings he drew out of me. His tongue moved to part my lips and I quickly gave him what he wanted, allowing him complete control. We stayed like that for several minutes, healing each other, and when he moved away I wanted more. I always wanted more with Dane.

  Dane had a few pieces of art in a show the following Sunday and invited me to go with him. We didn’t talk about his mom or brother again. Not because I didn’t want to, but because he tended to avoid it. He seemed a little out of it all week and I knew today would lift his spirits. This was his element; the thing that made him happy. I envied him because he had nothing standing in his way. His reality was my dream.

  He had to be there early so I told him I would meet him and invited Jade to come with me. There were supposed to be a few up and coming photographers at the show that she was dying to meet. It was scheduled to begin at two in the afternoon so I told her it began at one. Lying isn’t bad if it’s necessary and I wanted to be on time so I could see Dane in his element before the place was overrun with people.

  “Where did you say this show was at?” she asked, trying on her third outfit.

  “The Modern.” She looked up at me, tapping her index finger on her chin. “Wear something hip, yet sophisticated. We’re not going to a nightclub, we’re going to an art show.”

  I dressed in an emerald green sweater dress with black tights and my black ankle books, but left my hair in a loose, messy knot at the top of my head. I was adapting to Dane’s philosophy of looking good without too much effort.

  I wasn’t sure how many things Jade pulled out of her closet before deciding on a black velvet shift dress, but it was ridiculous. She chose a pair of black tights with some killer black heels. It was quarter to two when she finally declared that she was ready. Did I know this girl or what?

  We hailed a cab and gave the driver directions to The Modern. When we arrived, an older gentleman took our coats and handed us a program. I couldn’t even begin to tell you the feelings that went through me as we entered the gallery. I put my whole heart into my work and as I glanced around, I could see the heart of others displayed on the wall. I could walk around for hours, dissecting what the artist was thinking or experiencing when the art piece was created. I could look back at every piece of art I’d ever completed and tell you what was going through my head at that moment. Major life events always triggered something in me that lead me to art. I have a painting representing my first day of high school, my first kiss, my first breakup. A lot of the things in between are dark, a symbol of the girl trapped inside me who can’t get out.

  Although Dane and I hadn’t talked about why or when he began to sculpt, I wondered if he did it to let out some of his feelings and frustrations over his childhood. I pictured the little boy who had lost his sister and then had to watch his family fall apart. I wished I’d known him back then so I could have been there for him. I wasn’t the type of girl who needed to save every broken man she encountered, but Dane was worth saving. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever have children, but if I did I wanted to make sure they had a better childhood than Dane and I had experienced. I may have had everything material, but I felt like I had nothing. Dane really had nothing. Every time I thought about him, I felt my chest tighten. He was everything I didn’t think I could have and somehow, he’d become everything I needed. There was a part of me that knew I would never recover if this fell apart, but what I felt now was worth it.

  I walked around a little bit before I spotted Dane standing in the center of the gallery, pedestals displaying sculptures surrounding him. The moment he saw me, his face broke out in a smile that lit up the room…and my heart. He looked smashing in his icy blue button down tucked into charcoal dress pants.

  When I reached him he wrapped his arms around me, hugging me close to his chest. He kissed me right below my right ear before joining his mouth with mine. His kisses were always full of passion and yearning, but this one remained soft. He reluctantly broke away, pressing his forehead to mine. “I’m glad you came. I missed you.”

  I smiled. “You saw me last night.”

  “Last night was a long time ago,” he whispered. I heard Jade clear her throat behind me. I turned around, narrowing my eyes at her. She just ruined my perfect moment.
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  “Okay, lovebirds, you all are really cute. But if you continue to do that, this might turn into something a little dirtier than an art show.”

  “Don’t be jealous, Jade. You’re the one who said I should go after him.”

  She laughed. “And that you did.”

  I stared at her until she finished her girly rant. “Do you want to check out some exhibits with me? We better let Dane get back to work.” I glanced back at him one more time before walking toward Jade. He didn’t let me get far before he grabbed my hand and pulled me back. “Don’t go too far, Baby.”

  Jade and I walked around looking at paintings, photos and sculptures. All the artists were very talented, but one painting in particular grabbed my attention. It was a creature with eight arms, each one being pulled in a different direction. The look on the painted creature’s face was one of pain and confusion; it haunted me because it was my own face in the mirror. I felt like I had two hands pulling at me all the time and I wished I could take a paint brush and make them go away, but I couldn’t get rid of them that easily.

  When we made our way back to Dane, he was talking to an older woman about buying one of his sculptures. I loved how confidant and professional he was during his shows. He gave me a quick glance before returning to his work. Today his sculptures were not of people, but rather hearts molded with different colored metals to show in various colors. They were so simple, but so beautiful.

  Dane ended up selling a sculpture while Jade and I eyed his latest creations. I was excited for him because I knew it meant he could breathe a little easier financially. “Good job, Baby, I’m proud of you,” I said after the lady left. He gave me a shy grin, one I rarely saw.

  “I should be thanking you.”

  “Me?” I asked, drawing my brows together.

  “Yes, you inspired all of these. With every sculpture here today, I thought of you.” Did he really just tell me I inspired all of this? Part of me felt like he had told me too much and another part wanted to reach up and kiss him until I could no longer breathe.

  My chest tightened with anxiety. I knew what he was trying to say because I think I felt it to. Once it was said, we couldn’t go back. So I did what any girl who was about to hear I love you from their completely sexy and sweet boyfriend would do; I raised my finger to his lips. He looked confused, but it didn’t stop me. “Don’t,” I whispered. I gave him a kiss on the cheek before turning back to Jade. “What are we doing after the show?” I asked.

  Dane didn’t give Jade time to reply. “Actually, some friends of mine are having a get together and invited us to go.” I turned around and saw something that looked like defeat written all over his face. I felt bad for making him hold back. After all, that was what everyone did to me growing up.

  Jade broke me out of my haze. “That sounds great. Is Tyler going to be there?” I found it kind of strange that she didn’t know if he was going to be there or not.

  “He was invited,” Dane replied.

  “I’m in. What do you say, Alex?”

  “Yeah, sounds fun.”

  “All right, ladies. Let me get everything put away here and then we can go.” Dane didn’t even look in my direction before we walked away to retrieve our coats.

  As soon as we were ten steps away from Dane, Jade began to question me. “Okay, what happened between the moment when you guys were creating a soft porn movie in the middle of the gallery and now? Dane looks like you just killed his puppy.” I bit my lower lip and contemplated if I should tell Jade about my “I love you” diversion.

  “I’m pretty sure he was going to tell me he loves me,” I said quietly.

  She stared at me like I had grown another head. “He looks sad because he was going to tell you he loves you? What am I missing?”

  I blew out all the air I was holding in my lungs. “I stopped him.”

  “You what?”

  “He was telling me he thought about me while making all the heart sculptures and I could see it in his eyes. There was so much more he wanted to say, but I stopped him.”

  “Are you freaking kidding me? Alex, I can see in your eyes that you feel the same way about him. You have to stop this bullshit. Quit running and let him catch you,” she said, grabbing onto my arm.

  “I can’t. This wasn’t supposed to be more than just two people having a good time,” I whispered.

  “But it is.”

  “Yes,” I finally agreed. “Look, can we just drop it for now?” She had no reply for me. Instead, she put her coat on and started walking back over to Dane who was almost done wrapping his sculptures and putting them in boxes.

  I hated that I had to bottle all this up. I hated that I couldn’t just tell him exactly how I felt and take in his words, locking them in my heart where I could hold them forever. I hated that I couldn’t be honest and instead opted for this semi-reality I had been living in for years.

  When I made my way back over to Dane, I decided I needed to smooth things over before we left. I didn’t want to spend all night in awkward silence. I wrapped my arms tightly around him. He tensed up before clasping his hands on top of mine. “I’m sorry,” I whispered just loud enough for him to hear me.

  He turned around, bringing his lips to my forehead. “We’re not done with that conversation,” he said. Before I could reply, he led me over to Jade who was in deep conversation with one of the photographers. “Ready to go?” he asked.

  “I’m always ready to drink. Let’s go,” she said, eyeing me curiously as she stepped behind Dane and I.

  The party we were going to was only a few blocks from the gallery. The walk was relatively quiet unless you count Jade’s comments here and there about clothing in storefronts or people who passed us on the street. Dane held my hand, but said nothing as we entered a brick apartment complex.

  There were at least twelve people in the apartment when we arrived. It was a small loft space with a seating area where two guys sat playing some type of video game. On the other side, near a small kitchenette, were two card tables. Dane seemed to know almost everyone as he introduced us to Blake and Carter, who lived in the apartment, as well as Gavin, Jack, Andrew, Brandon, Kyle, Sara and Taylor.

  The only one in the room I recognized was Tyler who was sitting next to Taylor, a scantily clad blond with Bambi eyes. His hand was resting on her knee and as soon as she spotted us coming through the door, she smiled and laid her head on his shoulder. When I looked at Jade I knew I wasn’t the only one who noticed. Her face fell as she looked at me and nodded toward the door before disappearing through it. I looked up at Dane who shook his head. “Let him go after her,” he whispered. Tyler was eyeing the closed door with a deer in the headlights look on his face. After a few seconds, he got up from the couch and ran out after her. I didn’t want to see Jade go through this. She guarded her heart so much, but she had seemed to be opening up to Tyler.

  “What was that all about?” I asked, nodding toward the door.

  He shrugged. “Tyler didn’t know she was coming, I guess. He usually doesn’t date one girl. I think he likes her, but doesn’t know what to do about it.”

  “Who’s the girl?”

  “You mean Taylor? They see each other off and on, but I thought they were off. He isn’t usually this much of an ass.”

  “Well, he better make it right,” I said, frowning up at him.

  He pulled me in for a hug and I felt myself relax again. “Come on, let’s have some fun.”

  I walked toward the card table because video games and I do not get along. I ended up on Dane’s lap because there weren’t enough chairs for everyone. Personally, I thought this was more comfortable than a folding chair anyway. Blake, Andrew, Sara, Carter and Gavin were in the middle of a game so we sat back and watched. I studied the game and quickly learned the rules so when it was time for us to join, I felt like I had a good handle on it.

  My studying paid off, like it always did, and I ended up winning the first game. Was I excited? Just a little. “Oh
, my god, I won!” I jumped up off Dane’s lap and through my arms in the air.

  “That’s my girl.” Dane picked me up and twirled me around in his arms. I didn’t care that everyone was watching because in that moment it felt like just the two of us.

  “When are you taking me to Vegas? I’m feeling lucky.”

  “Vegas, huh?” he asked, nuzzling his face in my neck.

  “Yeah, I think you may have a gambler on your hands,” I replied, working my bottom lip between my teeth.

  “I would take you anywhere as long as you stop biting that lower lip. You don’t even know how sexy you are.” My pulse picked up, but I couldn’t think of anything to say in reply. “Come out to the rooftop deck with me,” he whispered before putting me down. He wanted to talk; I knew it and I owed it to him. The game and my recent victory had relaxed me enough that I didn’t hesitate to follow him, knowing I was going to have to open up at least a little to make this better.

  “Let me grab my coat.” Jade and Tyler hadn’t returned yet. I hoped for her sake that they were working their issues out. Maybe it was time for them to throw caution to the wind and become something a little more official. I get that they were both guarding themselves, but it might backfire in a big way if one of them didn’t step it up.

  As we made our way up to the deck, I realized what a bad idea this was. It was February in New York City and we were on a rooftop deck. It seemed like others shared my thoughts because ours were the only footprints in the snow and any furniture that may have been up here had been removed. We headed toward the edge, overlooking the night sky. Dane pulled me in front of him and held me tight against his chest in an attempt to chase away the cold. I could see my breath mixing with his as we looked out over at the flashing city lights. The city at night was amazing and it was moments like this that solidified my desire to leave Greenwich behind forever. It was a nice, safe place to grow up, but New York City was where my heart was. I loved the mix of people and culture, the solitude of living somewhere so big, it was easy to disappear.