Plastic Hearts

by De Jong, Lisa

  “It isn’t always that easy,” I said, honestly. “Do you want a big wedding?”

  He pulled back and looked right into my eyes. “I didn’t want a wedding at all until this certain girl popped into my life. Now I want whatever she wants. I would do anything to make her happy.” Swoon. It was a good thing he was holding me because my knees went weak before I kissed him.

  “I love you.” It was all I could say. It was honest, and in this moment my heart was full of it.

  He kissed me again. “I love you, too.”

  We stayed on the dance floor until the music stopped and the lights came on. It was one of the best nights of my life. I should have known it was telling. Happy moments never lasted long for me.

  Dane was lying on his back with me nestled in the crook of his arm. He looked so peaceful in his sleep. I rubbed my index finger over his face, memorizing all of it. His nose looked like it had been broken a time or two, but I loved how it looked on him. His eyelashes were thick and long, the type every girl dreamed of but often seemed to be wasted on men. His lips were perfect; I couldn’t help but use a light kiss to explore that part of him. I was still on a cloud from the night before; nothing was going to stop me today.

  I crawled out of bed, threw on a t-shirt and my robe, and headed downstairs to grab us some coffee. It was early and I wanted to beat everyone else to the kitchen. My plan was to “sleep” in my room until brunch and the gift opening at eleven then leave immediately after. I needed to stay away from my mother as much as possible.

  The house was quiet as I stood waiting for my morning coffee to brew. I thought about all the events from the day before and it made me feel elated, yet a little nervous. Elated I finally stood up to my mother, even if it was a rather small issue, and nervous for the same. I knew my mother; she would hold a grudge. Even if I avoided her today, she would get me back somehow. I took two coffee cups out of the cupboard and began to poor coffee into them when I heard my mother’s heels clicking on the marble in the foyer. I immediately started to panic; it was almost impossible to get enough air into my lungs. I couldn’t avoid her today and I was alone.

  She came into view with a wicked grin on her face. It wasn’t fake, but rather evil; this was going to be bad. “Alexandra, please join your father and I in the study.” She didn’t wait for any response; she knew I would follow her. I always did.

  My legs shook as I went down the hall toward my father’s study. I didn’t associate his study with happy moments, but then again there wasn’t one room in this house that I associated with happy moments. The door was open and as I entered, I saw my father sitting in his chair looking at papers on his desk. It was like a knife in the heart; I hadn’t seen the man in months and he had yet to acknowledge me. My mother sat in one of the two leather chairs across from him and motioned for me to sit in the other. Every inch of my body was shaking as I sat down and looked at the tall, thin man before me. His hair was brown with grey along the sides. If we didn’t have the same eyes, people would have doubted we were related.

  She cleared her throat. “Alexandra, your father and I are concerned about you. We think you’re making some very inappropriate decisions in your life and would like to help you get back on track.” The way the word help rolled off her tongue made me cringe. This wasn’t going to be about help or guidance; they were going to give me an ultimatum.

  My father still hadn’t looked up from his desk, but I could see his face was stone cold; he showed absolutely no emotion. I could never read whether he agreed with her or just went along for the ride, but it was easier to just agree with her. “Okay,” I said, meekly. My chest felt tighter every moment I spent in here, but no one could save me from this one. I was stuck.

  My mother pulled her lips into a firm straight line. “You will stop seeing that boy immediately. He has become an inconvenient distraction and you need to focus on your studies. Do you hear me, Alexandra?” I heard her. I heard her and I couldn’t think straight. I processed the words in my head a few times and each time stung worse than the one before. Tears threatened to fall, but I wouldn’t let them. I wouldn’t give them the pleasure of seeing the affect they had on me.

  Something inside me snapped. “I love him. I couldn’t let him go even if I wanted to.” Please let them listen to me this once. Please. I have given up so much for them, but this one would break me.

  My mother laughed. I wanted to upset her. I wanted her to feel something, but she laughed. “You don’t know what love is. That boy can’t give you anything; he has nothing.”

  “He gives me more than anyone ever has. He gives….” I heard my father’s fist come down hard on his desk and looked up to see his eyes blazing and his brows furrowed. His facial expression drained all the confidence out of me as my body began to shake again.

  He leaned forward in his chair and pointed his index finger right at me, never taking his eyes off mine, “You will get rid of that boy. You will bring your focus back to your studies and you will show your mother more respect.” I couldn’t say anything. My lips and mind were frozen. He continued, “If you refuse to follow our rules, Alexandra, there will be serious consequences.”

  “Consequences,” I whispered. Consequences to some people meant losing their car or allowance. My parents liked to cut deeper. I could never bleed enough for them.

  “If you continue down this path, we will revoke your car, monthly allowance, tuition payments and your trust fund privileges,” my father warned. My hands clenched the side of my chair until my knuckles were white. They wanted to completely cut me off because I was dating Dane. This was what I had been afraid would happen. I knew it would happen.

  I decided to give rebellion on more shot. “I can get a job. Some students pay for their own tuition.” I sat up in my chair, trying to show mock confidence.

  “Please, Alexandra, do you know how much it costs to go to NYU?” my mother mocked. “Do you know how much it costs to feed and clothe you? Don’t be stupid. Your father and I just want what is best for you and that isn’t Dan.”

  “Dane,” I corrected her as I slid down in my chair, swallowing back tears.

  “Whatever. You have one week to make this right. Do you hear me? If you go against our wishes, things will change dramatically for you starting next week.” I sat there, unmoving. I wanted to tell them they were wrong about Dane, but the words wouldn’t form. I looked at my mother who had a pleased smile on her face before turning toward my father whose angered expression caused me to quickly look away.

  “You have been nothing but a disappointment lately. We know this boy is the cause of that. You’re different. You’re talking back to your mother, you show up at your sister’s reception looking like street trash and you aren’t focused. Why can’t you be more like Gwendolyn?” my father added. His words ripped through me. He rarely acknowledged my presence and the one time he did, this is what he had to say. He had said more in the last ten minutes than he had said in the last year. I needed to get out of here before they saw how much they affected me.

  Why did they have to compare me to my sister all the time? She was like them. She lived her life doing what would make others happy, but inside I know she had to be miserable. Why couldn’t they accept me? My mind circled as the panic and tears built. I always wondered what it would be like to be buried alive and this must be it. I was trapped and no one could save me. No one would hear me.

  After a few minutes of silence, I stood up to leave. I had nothing else to say to them and I didn’t want to hear anything else they had to say. Just as my hand hit the doorknob, my mother chimed in again. “You know, we had someone investigate Dane yesterday and they found some incriminating information. He is not someone that you want to associate yourself with. We can make his life difficult. You wouldn’t want that, would you?” I looked back at her and this time I couldn’t stop the tears that fell from my eyes. She just smiled; I hated her. I hated that my misery caused her so much enjoyment. I slammed the door and headed upstair
s, locking myself in the bathroom. The tears continued as I fell to the floor, wrapping my arms around my legs. I was mad and confused; I just didn’t know what to do. I shouldn’t be forced to make this choice. I wanted to choose Dane, but the little voice in my head kept reminding me what that would cost. I didn’t know if I could continue.

  I was not sure how long I stayed locked in the bathroom, but when I returned to my bedroom Dane wasn’t there. My heart fell into my stomach. Where did he go? I turned to the hallway and saw his bedroom light was on. Part of me thought I should go over to his room and the other part of me wanted more time to think. Thinking won out.

  I closed the door and walked to the window. The sun had disappeared behind the dark clouds. It was amazing how quickly the weather could change. I touched my fingers to the glass; it was cold and felt good against my fingers. I always liked the chill against my fingers; it reminded me I was alive on days I felt I was anything but.

  I used to sit in the window seat in my room and stare outside for hours. I wondered what the family in the house across the street was doing. Was that family like ours? Did the parents kiss and hug their children? I would sit and imagine a life like that. The ones I watched on the Brady Bunch or the Partridge Family. Those moments always made me feel unworthy. Why did everyone have what I didn’t? What had I done to deserve this? I wanted love, but instead I had this. Life could be so unfair.

  I was still deep in thought when I felt a hand cover mine where it rested on the window. I startled and looked behind me to see Dane standing there, eyebrows pulled in, concern all over his face. “How long have you been standing there?” I asked. His presence in front of me in nothing but pajama pants sent butterflies in motion throughout my stomach. I wondered if there would ever be a time when that didn’t happen with Dane.

  “I’ve been in here the whole time,” he said, pointing to a chair in the darkest corner of the room. “You seemed to be thinking about something and I didn’t want to disturb you. What were you thinking about?” I let out the air I had been holding in my lungs.

  “I was just thinking about life in general, I guess,” I said, not taking my attention away from the window.

  “Do you care to elaborate? You looked pretty lost there for a minute.” He removed his hand and wrapped both arms around my shoulders, resting his chin on my head. I relaxed back into him; he was my comfort.

  “Do you ever wonder what it would have been like to grow up in a different family?” I asked. He seemed to contemplate that for a second.

  “I have envied friends who grew up in happy families, but I also believe that my less than ideal upbringing made me who I am.” I turned around with a confused look on my face. His face was serious as he continued, “Sometimes when life hits you with too much, it makes you stronger and you learn from it. I know where I want to go while some of my friends don’t. Life has brought me maturity. I make my decisions based on who I don’t want to be, rather than whom everyone else wants me to be. I always want to be better. It took me time to see this, but it’s true.” If I didn’t completely love him before, this certainly sealed my fate. He was sexy, kind, and smart, wrapped up in one complete package.

  I wrapped my arms around his waist as tight as I could without hurting him. I wanted to show him, to tell him I loved him in any way possible. It felt like there weren’t enough ways to tell him what he meant to me. I looked up at him, kissing his chin. “I guess I could learn a thing or two from you.”

  His face lit up with a smile that could break one thousand hearts; I knew for damn sure it could break mine. “We’re adults now, Baby. When you become an adult, you get to choose your path. You take all the things you learned while you were on everyone else’s and use it to build your own, but it’s about where your heart wants to go. It’s all up to you.” I digested his words for a minute. He was right, but I wondered how that changes when you still have a very demanding tour guide. My mother was the tour guide from hell.

  “It’s almost time for gift opening, I better get ready,” I said. I needed a hot shower and more time to think.

  Dane put his finger under my chin and kissed me lightly, almost like a feather touching my lips. It didn’t stop there, though, as it continued to my heart, touching it only like Dane could. His body was tense when I left him. There was no doubt that he could read the shift in my mood. A part of me wanted to tell him everything, but it was easier to close down. It had always worked for me in the past.

  I jumped in the shower while my head worked overtime, sorting through my crazy mess. Dane made more sense than anyone I had ever met, but my parent’s voices still rang loudly in my head. Their threats were on automatic replay and every time I heard them, they cut me deeper. They could make my life hell; I knew they could. If it had been just a threat against me, I could have dealt with that. I knew now, more than ever, that money was not the most important thing in the world. I wasn’t dealing with their threats against Dane as well. Did they know about his brother? The drugs? What would they do with the info? I didn’t want to find out and I didn’t want Dane to have to deal with it.

  My head was spinning the whole way back to the city. Dane volunteered to drive, pointing out that I looked tired. All the crying had done a number on my eyes and I couldn’t stop the voices in my head telling me what I should and shouldn’t do. I needed them to stop. I wanted them to stop. How could I make them stop?

  The gift opening was awful. I sat next to Dane who held my hand the whole time. I made the mistake of looking at my mother at one point and all I could see in her eyes was warning. My father, on the other hand, kept his attention off me completely. He had said everything he wanted to say. I hated it; I wanted to run out of the room, out of the house and never look back, but I couldn’t.

  I was miserable before I met Dane, and our time together at school had made me happier than I’d ever been. I was starting to feel miserable again because reality had crept back in. I felt like I had so much, but so little. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were before this weekend, but they couldn’t.

  I knew what I had to do to protect Dane. Staying with him would only hurt him and me, and in the long run we would both be miserable. My parents would never accept him and they wouldn’t let me back into the house as long as I was with him. Who tells their child they are no longer welcome in their own home because of who they’re dating? Who does that? I couldn’t put any more weight on Dane’s shoulders. He had been through enough in his lifetime.

  My eyes wandered to Dane a few times during our drive. He was usually so good at reading me, but he wasn’t able to see the glisten in my eyes and pain on my face through the darkness. This was the one time I didn’t want him to read me. I realized a long time ago that Dane made me breakable; I just didn’t know it would hurt this bad before I even shattered. I needed to let him go. I couldn’t be selfish. It was what was best for everyone. I would get my parent’s blessing and he would be safe from their wrath, something I could never be. We would no longer have each other, though, and the thought of living without him was killing me inside.

  I needed to feel what we had one more time before I let it all go. This was the one selfish part of me and it may make everything worse, but I needed him one more time. I turned so I was facing him. “Are we going back to your place?”

  “Yeah, unless you don’t want to. Do you want to pick up something to eat first?” He looked concerned.

  “No, I’m not really hungry,” I said sadly, taking his hand in mine and settling both of them on my thigh. We rode the rest of the way in silence and by the time we arrived at his apartment, I was ready to explode. I had to put this negative energy somewhere. I needed Dane to drown it out, just for tonight. I had made a life changing decision on the short ride from Greenwich to New York City and the weight of it was too much. Alex, you can to do this, I told myself. I just needed to push past the pain like I always did.

  “Want to watch a movie?” he asked as we worked our way up the stairs
with our bags. My legs were shaking and it was hard to not just collapse on the steps.

  “No, I just want to go to bed.” He looked at me for a second, eyebrows knitted together. I gave him my best smile as he grabbed my hand and led me back to his bedroom.

  “T-shirt?” he asked as he grabbed one out of the drawer for himself.

  I nodded. Ever since I started to stay at Dane’s on a regular basis, I’d been wearing his tshirts to bed. They were comfortable and smelled like him. He handed me a plain white t-shirt and I headed to the bathroom to change, stealing a glance at myself in the mirror. Stress was plastered all over my face and I looked older than usual. I splashed cold water over it a few times and took several deep breaths before going out to face the man I loved, the man I would always love. But this would be the last time I would face him as my lover. Maybe what I was doing was wrong, selfish even, but I couldn’t stop it.

  I let my hand rest on the doorknob for a few seconds before joining him in the bedroom again. He was lying on the bed in nothing but his white boxer briefs. Gorgeous. Beautiful. My Dane. He looked up at me with a big grin on his face, the grin I was going to destroy in a few short hours. “Come here, Baby. What are you waiting for?”

  I willed myself forward and tucked myself into his side, nuzzling my face in his neck. “Dane?” I whispered.

  “Hmm?” He was using the tips of his fingers to rub small sensual circles on my back. My body was on full alert; I needed him. Even with pain flowing through my veins, I wanted him.

  “I love you,” I said, placing a kiss on his chest.

  “I love you, too.” He kissed the top of my head and brought both arms around me so we were on our sides, face to face. “Are you okay?” His voice was full of concern and love.

  I answered by claiming his mouth in a long, slow kiss. I relished the familiar mint taste that was always on his tongue. I would never to able to taste or smell mint again without thinking of him; it would haunt me forever. He flipped me on my back and kissed every bare inch of my body. I memorized his lips, how they felt on me and what they did inside of me. No one else would ever make me feel this way. No one else could hold my body and heart at the same time like Dane could. I ran my fingers through his hair before lightly tugging on it to pull him forward, placing his lips back on mine.