What He Really Feels (He Feels Trilogy)

by Lisa Suzanne

  Their conversation was becoming heated, and I felt my protective nature fly to the surface. I wanted to go out there and stand up for her. I didn’t want her to have to handle this on her own.

  But I stayed put, because she had asked me to.

  She gestured toward the car. I saw a lot of hand gesturing, but I had no idea what any of it meant. If I had to guess, I’d say that they were both angry.

  I couldn’t take it any longer.

  I got out of the car and walked over to them, but Lindsay hadn’t heard me approaching over the heated conversation she was having with Spencer.

  “How can you possibly have moved on so quickly?” I heard Spencer ask.

  Clearly she didn’t know that I was directly behind her, because I don’t think she was ready for me to hear what she said to him in response.

  “Because I fell in love, Spence,” she said quietly.

  “Travis?” he asked in confusion, finally looking up and recognizing me.

  “How do you know about Travis?” she asked, and then she whirled around to see where he was looking, coming face to face with my chest.

  It was dark, but I could still see that her cheeks were flushed with her confession. And my heart was soaring.

  She fell in love. With me. I placed my hands on her arms and gazed down into her eyes. They sparkled in the porch light and the light of the moon.

  I didn’t say a word. I wasn’t sure if she knew I had heard or not, and I couldn’t profess my own love to her in front of her ex-boyfriend. I just gazed down into her eyes, hoping the expression in my eyes told her that her sentiments were returned.

  Spencer coughed behind her, breaking the spell between us. “I hate to break up this love fest, but I have a question.”

  Her eyes didn’t leave mine for a moment, and I knew my gaze back at her was filled with the same emotions that were looking at me.

  She loved me.

  And I knew that without a doubt that I loved her, too.

  The only way that I could have “flipped the switch” off of Jules and moved on so quickly was because of love.

  The one thing that helped me move on from what I thought was the worst heartbreak of my life was love.

  And I had never experienced any of the feelings I’d felt for Lindsay before in my life. This only told me that it was love, pure and simple. Whatever outside forces threatened to tear us apart, we would survive. We’d fight it out, we’d fight with each other, and we’d fight for us, but no matter what, we would end up together. Forever.

  All of those thoughts ran through my head in a split second. She turned around to address Spencer and the question he had.

  He spoke sharply. “What the fuck?”

  “What?” Lindsay asked. I put my hands on her shoulders, feeling that strong new need to protect her.

  “What the fuck is going on?”

  “I’m with Travis,” Lindsay blurted.

  “I thought we were friends,” he spat at me. His face was an expression of fury as he looked from Lindsay to me, the vein in his forehead getting bigger the angrier he became.

  “We are friends, man,” I said.

  “Then why are you with my girl?”

  “I’m not your girl, Spence,” Lindsay said.

  I glanced at her. “The two of us being together has nothing to do with you.”

  “Help me understand what’s going on,” he hissed through a clenched jaw.

  “It’s a long story.” Lindsay leaned back into my chest, and I felt her warmth as I smelled her hair.

  “I’ve got time.”

  “We met in Arizona when I went to visit Sydney,” she started. “I went to a bar with Syd and her friend and I met Travis there.”

  She glanced back at me, and I nodded at her to keep going.

  “We didn’t exchange numbers, and I assumed I would never see him again. Then I came back home and you and I talked, and we decided to try things again.”

  She was being gentle with his feelings. I loved her even more in that moment for protecting him.

  “And then Travis and I bumped into each other at Sunset Cliffs. Literally. I had assumed I’d never see him again, but there he was, dancing with his date, and we bumped shoulders on the dance floor. Like it was meant to be.”

  It had been meant to be, and now that I looked back on it, I saw in hindsight that “meant to be” was the only way to describe what had been forming between the two of us. From finding each other twice to our shared birthday to buying each other the same Valentine’s Day card, it was clear that our lives were meant to intersect.

  She was my other half.

  “Meant to be?” Spencer echoed. “But, Linds, what about us?”

  It felt weird being the guy who won for once. I wanted it to feel good, but it just didn’t. I felt like shit for being a part of hurting a good guy like Spencer. But the fact of the matter was that if Lindsay and I were going to be together, it didn’t matter when or how it happened. Spencer would be hurt no matter when Lindsay found someone new.

  So now what? I wondered how we could get Spencer to leave so we could move on with our night. I wasn’t trying to be a dick, but I didn’t know what to do next. I didn’t need to, though, because Lindsay stepped up and handled it.

  She stepped away from me and walked toward Spencer. She took his hand in hers. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “You will always have a piece of my heart. But it’s over between us.”

  He looked dejected. He glared at me, and then he walked toward his car, got into it, and pulled away.

  Lindsay walked back over to me and snuggled into my waiting embrace.

  “I’m so sorry you had to deal with that, Lindsay,” I whispered into her hair.

  “I know.”

  “Are you okay?”

  She nodded against me, but she didn’t speak.

  “Are you sure?”

  I felt her body shaking with tears under my arms. I stroked her back as she cried, not knowing how to provide the comfort that she needed and wishing I could be everything that would make it better.

  “Hey,” I whispered. She looked up at me, her pretty face still beautiful even tear-stained. I brushed my lips across hers, and hers were plush and soft. As I gazed down at her, I realized how much I wanted to tell her that I loved her, too.

  But the time wasn’t right. It had to be about us, not about making her feel better because she was upset over Spencer.

  “Let’s go inside,” I said finally.

  She nodded, and she unlocked the front door. We made our way inside, Lindsay flipping on light switches as we went. Pen obviously wasn’t home, and I found a note from her on the kitchen counter as Lindsay ran up to her bedroom to get her laptop. Pen’s note said that she had a date and was hoping it would be good enough to end up at his place for the night.

  I sat at the kitchen table and waited for her, pulling out my iPad and checking my work email first. I had several I needed to answer, but I switched accounts and checked my personal email second. I had new emails from my mom, my sister, and Julianne.

  I read my mom’s email first.

  T-

  Missing you lots. Check in and tell me you’re doing okay. Heard J visited. How did that go?

  Love ya,

  Mom

  I wrote her back that I was doing fine and would call her soon and fill her in.

  My sister’s email was a check-in, too, and it ended with a picture from rottenecards.com: “I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having, I’m here to ‘like’ it on Facebook.”

  I searched the site for a minute and found a good reply to my sister: “On days when I get really sad and depressed, I just remember that I’m not you… then I get happy again.”

  Lindsay came back down before I had a chance to open Julianne’s email, but I noticed the time stamp was about ten minutes earlier. I handed Lindsay Pen’s note.

  “That’s Pen for you,” she said, pressing her lips together as she sat at the table. She looked tire
d and sad.

  “You okay, Gorgeous?” I asked.

  “Please stop asking me that.” She opened her laptop and waited while it turned on.

  “Sorry.”

  She glanced up at me. “Don’t be. I’m the one who should be sorry.”

  “For what?”

  “For being a bitch.”

  “You’re not a bitch, Lindsay.”

  “What I just said to Spencer? That was kind of bitchy. And then telling you to stop asking if I’m okay when all you’re doing is caring for me? That was kind of bitchy.”

  “Neither were bitchy. He was going to find out about us eventually, and it was going to hurt no matter when it happened.”

  “I know.” She sighed. “But it’s just so soon. We just broke up Saturday, Travis. It’s only been four days.”

  “What you and I have started before that, though.”

  “Yeah, but as far as he’s concerned, I got back together with him and dumped him all in the span of a few days only to end up with another man who he befriended at work.”

  I nodded, thinking about how awkward this was going to make things at work. “It’ll take time, but he’ll be okay.” There really wasn’t anything else I could say to make her feel any better.

  She clicked around on her laptop for a few quiet moments.

  “What are you working on?” I asked, trying to change the subject.

  “I’ve got a bunch of stuff to catch up on tonight. For one, I’m taking a class right now and I’ve got homework due tomorrow at midnight. And then at work, we just landed a corporate event at the end of August and I’m researching caterers for my boss right now.”

  “The joys of being a student and junior event planner,” I teased.

  “More like office servant at the moment,” she retorted.

  “Why’s that?”

  “I have become the office research assistant. It feels like that’s all I do lately.”

  “Don’t you have a list of preferred caterers?”

  She nodded. “Yes, but this is a very picky client, so I get to find the perfect caterer that suits her needs. Apparently none on our list are good enough.”

  “Dealing with clients like that must suck. Are you sure you want to open your own business someday?”

  “Yep. I’ll hire an office bitch like myself to do all the hard labor.” She giggled and started tapping keys on her laptop, so I shut up and let her work.

  I clicked on the email from Julianne. It felt strange reading it in front of Lindsay, but I needed to know what it said.

  Travis,

  I’m at a rest stop writing this on my phone. You seemed really happy when I left, and I couldn’t be happier for you. At the same time, I can’t stop thinking about how miserable I am without you in my life. Something you said really hit home for me. You said that you are over me and that I can’t have it both ways. It hurts to know that you moved on so quickly, even though you’re right. I can’t have it both ways. I can’t have both you and Nick. I love Nick. He’s my Prince Charming and he’s everything to me. But you have been the person I could lean on for as long as I can remember, and not having that in my life is leaving me confused and lonely and scared. I don’t know what to do, and it’s killing me inside. I’m not asking for a second chance, because I know you’re with somebody else now. But I am asking you to just talk to me. You’re the one who always helps me get my shit together, and I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I love you and I didn’t know how much until you left me behind.

  Julianne

  I sighed, and it must have been loud and frustrated, because Lindsay looked up at me. “Are you okay?” she asked, her eyebrows knitted together. She was even more adorable when she was concerned.

  I froze for a second. Was this something she needed to know? She was dealing with enough crap right now. She didn’t need me to pile on top of it with Julianne drama, especially not after her Spencer drama.

  “Yeah. I’m good.”

  She looked back down at her screen in concentration. I watched her for a minute. She was as gorgeous as ever, and watching her work was fascinating. She caught her bottom lip between her teeth and her eyebrows remained knitted together as her eyes moved rapidly across the screen. She clicked the mouse quickly with her right hand as her left hand supported her chin.

  I couldn’t write Julianne back now, anyway, because she was in the car driving home. I didn’t want to text her, either, because I knew she’d check it if she saw it was me, and I didn’t want to distract her while she was driving. So there wasn’t really anything I could do for the moment.

  I clicked away from my personal email and opened up my work email, ready to sink into the replies I had postponed.

  An hour later, Lindsay got up and stretched. “You need anything?” she asked.

  “Got any beer?”

  She nodded and walked over to the fridge. “Bottle of Miller Lite okay?”

  “You really are the perfect woman.” I grinned at her, and she smiled as she brought two beers back to the table.

  “You’re not too bad yourself,” she said, walking up behind me and kissing my neck. Jesus. That little kiss sent a shiver down my back right to my groin.

  But she had already told me that tonight wasn’t going to be about sex.

  God dammit.

  “If you don’t want me to fuck you on this kitchen table in the next ten seconds, I suggest you stop,” I warned.

  She giggled against me, and the rumble from her laughter sent another shiver through me.

  “Sorry,” she said, backing away, holding her hands up in mock surrender as the sides of her mouth curled up in a smile.

  I gulped down my beer, worshipping the feeling of the cool liquid sliding down my throat after the heat I felt from her body.

  I was crabby when I woke up the next morning. I’m guessing it was from having a brutally hard erection from that moment at the kitchen table right through the moment I awoke with her in my arms wearing only her flimsy tank top and silky panties.

  I thought back to the night before and how I’d had to fight against myself. I understood her wish to have a night together that wasn’t all about sex. In fact, I appreciated it. I didn’t want this to be just about sex, either. We were both coming off of break-ups, and this couldn’t be some rebound thing that was purely about sex for either of us. Whatever we were starting was something serious and I saw the possibility of it lasting forever. I totally got where she was coming from with wanting a night free from sex.

  But I didn’t necessarily appreciate that the night she chose for our non-sex night was the same night I heard her confess that she had fallen in love with me.

  I thought back to those words as I pressed my lips to her temple. She stirred in my arms, but she wasn’t awake yet. I gazed down at her. All women were different, and all women had some attributes about them that made them special, but few looked as good as Lindsay did without make-up fresh from a night of sleep.

  She had fallen in love with me. And I had with her, too. I wasn’t sure when it happened, but I was sure that it did happen.

  “I love you,” I whispered to her sleeping form. I wanted to tell her, but I was scared. Not because I didn’t think she’d say it back; I knew she loved me. She had said so to Spencer.

  What scared me was the depth of feelings I had for someone I hardly knew.

  She had become everything to me in just a few short weeks. We were still getting to know each other, and I found that she had issues with jealousy that weren’t readily apparent. She had some rough parts to her childhood and possible issues with her father. She was fragile and fresh from a breakup. But all of that just made me love her even more. As I stared down at her, I felt an overwhelming wave of emotion for Lindsay pass through every fiber of my being.

  This woman had danced into my life and shook everything up, turned my life on its head, and I couldn’t think of a time when I had been happier. She made me rethink things that I had thought I’d known for ne
arly my entire life. She made me want to put someone else before myself.

  And out of respect for her and her night of no sex, I chose not to alleviate my raging hard-on that morning, either. I wanted her perhaps more than I had ever wanted anything, but I needed to prove to her and to myself that I was going to put her needs and wishes above my own. She had become my top priority in the short time I had known her, and this was how I was going to show her that. This was my small way of professing my love to her, because even though I wanted to say the words, even though I felt it with everything inside of me, I just wasn’t ready.

  However, when her eyes fluttered open, she grinned her perfect smile at me and climbed on top of me, clearly satisfied with our evening of abstinence and ready for it that morning.

  I am sure I’ve mentioned this before, but have I told you lately that this was the perfect woman?

  She knew my every need and attended to it, starting by lavishing my mouth with gentle, caressing kisses.

  “What happened to your no sex thing?” I murmured against her mouth.

  “You complaining?” she mumbled against me.

  “Nope.”

  “That was last night,” she said as her lips moved from my mouth down my chin, down my neck, and down to my chest. “This is a brand new day,” she said, the tip of her tongue flicking my nipple and sending a rocket of painful desire right to my already hard erection.

  I surrendered control to Lindsay, and I was treated to a passionate morning wake-up call.

  As we lay together in post-orgasmic bliss, I replayed the night before in my mind, loving every moment we spent together.

  After she had finished her big assignment, she had found me lying across her sofa watching ESPN and catching up on sports. I had long finished the emails I needed to send, and I didn’t want to interrupt her while she was so deep in concentration. When she walked into the room, I sat up and turned off the television. If there was one thing I learned from my mom and my sister, it was that all attention needed to be on the woman when she walked into the room. Everything else could wait.