Barefoot and Lost

by Brian Francis Cox

  We are all very quiet tonight, each with our own thoughts. I can’t make up my mind whether I should tell them about watching Lion escape or not. My heart is telling me I should share it with my friends, but my mind is telling me that if the truth comes out, a lot of other questions will be asked and then we could all get into trouble. This may include what Flynn has been doing, then goodness knows what would happen, it is best if we leave that to the letter. Brian asks, ‘I wonder where Lion’s funeral will be, do you think they would let us go?’ Jack replies ‘I’d like to go you know, to say goodbye properly.’

  ‘He had no family, this is the only home he had and we are, were, his friends, we should be able to go.’

  ‘You’re right Phil. I think we should ask the Reverend if we can; will you come with me in the morning?’

  ‘I don’t think he likes me a lot, it would be better if you and Jack went. You two are the eldest, you will have to ask Mam to see the Reverend so ask her, see what she thinks.’ So it is agreed, Brian and Jack will ask Mam in the morning. Mr. Simmons puts his head around the door, ‘Good night lads get some shut eye.’ Pulling the blanket over my head I start to think about Mum and God. I’m not going to ask Mum to speak to him again, he doesn’t care he chose her to be there, in heaven, with him. When you ask someone to be close to you it is because you love them, or you want them to be your friend, like Michael and me, or Pop or June. When I ask them a question they answer me, but God doesn’t listen to Mum, he doesn’t answer her questions, I know she would ask for me. I can’t believe he does listen, and then she doesn’t tell me. Mum wouldn’t do that. Why did he choose her if he doesn’t want to listen to her? She would be much better here with me then I wouldn’t have to be in this horrible place?

  I’ve had a restless sleep, one time in the night I could hear someone talking in their sleep saying, ‘Oh no, please no.’ Mr. Simmons has put his head around the door shouting, ‘Come on, and shake a leg.’ I wish he wasn’t so happy in the morning, I look across at Lion’s empty bed and start to feel guilty; why didn’t I stop him, I could have ran after the car and unlocked the handle, it was only going slow, why didn’t I do it? It is my fault Lion is dead; I killed him because I was frightened of getting into trouble. Supposing I had, the worst, I would have got is the cane, but because I held back Lion is dead. Perhaps I should go and tell the Reverend what I know but what will that do, nothing, and it won’t stop Lion from being dead. But I must tell somebody but who? If Pop was here I would tell him, he would understand. Gran always said a problem shared is a problem halved; I just do not know what to do. ‘Phil, are you going to sit there all morning, staring into space’ I can hear Peters voice through the fog of my thoughts.

  ‘No, I’m coming now, I was just thinking, that’s all, thinking about Lion.’

  Chapel is, once again, brief, a couple of hymns then the Reverend says, ‘In light of the present situation I think it is appropriate that the field trip to Maidstone is cancelled. We will see if it is possible to reinstate this trip during the half term holiday in October.’

  Brian and Jack are speaking to Mam, she is nodding and pats Brian’s arm. ‘What did she say?’

  ‘She thinks it is a good idea and will speak to the Reverend, but it could be a while yet because they have to wait for the result of the post mortem.’

  Coach Gareth Jones has replaced the coach that was to take us to Maidstone. Instead of an A.E.C in green and cream, we have a ball of muscle in white, with a bald head and a whistle that is constantly screeching as he attempts to get us into some sort of order as he marches us around the sports field like soldiers.

  Coach has singled me out as his assistant but my heart is not in it, all I can think about is Lion. The younger kids take no notice of me so Coach has to keep pulling them into line. After half an hour he gathers us around him, ‘Look you now, listen to me I don’t have to come here to be ignored, I can stay at home for that, but seeing as I get paid for what I do here, I expect you to listen and give me a bit of respect. You may as well get used to me because, every day this week you will be subjected to one hours physical training, whether you like it or not. Believe me, it is a lot easier if you like it. Tomorrow and each day until Friday, I will be assisted by Mr. Simmons. By the end of the week you will be enjoying it so much that you will be looking forward to our next session. Everyone will be here in the morning at ten thirty, in your gym kit, ready to go, anybody that wishes to be excused will need a signed letter from the Reverend, is that clear. Even if you have a broken leg you are expected to attend because you can still hop.’ A few kids laugh one or two of the younger ones appear to believe him.

  ‘Phil can I have a word?’

  ‘Yes Coach, I’m sorry I have not been very good today.’

  ‘No, it is not that, Mr. Simmons tells me you are a swimming record holder, is that correct?’

  ‘Yes Coach, on July the twenty fifth I broke the Sussex, under twelve, fifty metres breast stroke record. That night my Gran died and I was brought here, I haven’t been swimming since.’

  ‘Leave it to me; I will see what I can do about getting you into training again.’

  ‘Thanks Coach, I would like that, where are the closest baths?’

  ‘Tonbridge, which could be a problem in getting you to and from, therefore you, may have to wait until you start school next week.’

  ‘That would be fantastic.’

  ‘Don’t build your hopes too much, put everything into the PT in the meantime, to keep yourself fit okay?’

  ‘Okay Coach.’

  The past three days have been fun, the girls are being taught country dancing, by a lady from St Gab’s. Coach and Mr. Simmons have split the boys into two groups. We have been having tug of war, horse vaulting and nine, of us have been selected for a display of gymnastics, and this involves us in building a human pyramid. We spend most of our time as a giggling heap on the ground, as we collapse.

  The afternoons I have spent on my own, reading ‘The Talisman’ it is very hard to read many words I don’t understand some, I have looked up in the dictionary, but a lot of them aren’t there so I guess what they mean. Peter plays chess with himself, the other three play cricket. I am a bit fed up with the school holidays, I can’t wait to go to school and start swimming training. I really do hope Coach can arrange it.

  The meals seem to have improved, with larger portions and better quality. I suspect that is because the war is over but I still go to bed hungry.

  Two bangs on the microphone, The Reverend coughs to clear his throat, ‘Silence.’ The babble drops to a murmur, ‘I said silence.’ A chair scrapes, some one coughs. ‘The funeral of Lionel Bates will take place at eleven, Monday morning, the third of September, in the village at the Parish church. Lionel is then to be laid to rest in the village graveyard. Mam, I and the five boys from Lionel’s dormitory, will represent Saint Stephen’s at the church and the graveside. Our morning service this Sunday will be a memorial service to Lionel, giving all of you the opportunity to pay your respects. The five boys from Lionel’s dormitory will need to see Mam, after this meal, to learn the arrangements for Monday; that is all, go about your business.

  Chapter Eight

  Mam puts her head around the door calling, ‘Peter.’

  ‘He’s not in here Mam.’

  ‘Where is he then?’

  ‘He has his head down the toilet next door Mam.’

  ‘Why, is he ill, what is wrong with him?’

  ‘Nothing wrong with him Mam, he is just cleaning, it’s his job’

  ‘Phillip Snell you will be the death of me, why didn’t you say that in the first place?’

  ‘Just teasing Mam, I’m sorry.’ Mam leaves then within a minute Peter comes in

  ‘Peter did you see Mam?’

  ‘Yeah, she wants me in the Reverends office right away; I’ve finished both toilets so I’ll see you later.’

  ‘Didn’t she say why he wants you?’

  ‘No, can’t think of anyt
hing I might have done wrong, but then, you don’t have to, to get into trouble here, do you.’ Half an hour passes, we have finished our Saturday cleaning, we have decided to go and play cricket but thought we would wait for Peter.

  Peter pushes open the door, his head is down on his chest, and his hands are deep in his pockets, his shoulders hunched. Brian asks, ‘For Christ sake Peter what the hell has happened.’ With his head down, Peter replies.

  ‘The Reverend kept me waiting outside for fifteen minutes then he called me into his office, he stood there, towering over me, I was racking my brains about what I had done wrong; and then he told me.’

  ‘Told you what?’ I ask.

  ‘That tomorrow I have to go and live with bloody Auntie Mavis, they are fostering me.’

  ‘Then why are you so miserable?’

  I’m not. Whoopee it’s fantastic!! I was just teasing, that’s all.” He skips around the room to a tune that sounds a bit like ‘Coming around the mountain when she comes’ he sings, ‘I’m going to bloody Auntie Mavis; yes I am. I’m going to bloody Auntie Mavis, because I can. I’m going to Auntie Mavis; I’m going to Auntie-----‘

  ‘Shut up!! Do you know what you are? You’re a pain in the neck I think I might be pleased when you’re gone.’

  ‘I’m sorry; you don’t mean that Brian.’

  ‘No, suppose not, I’m just jealous you lucky bugger. It won’t happen to Jack or me we are too old, if you don’t leave here before you’re thirteen you’re here until you’re fifteen. That’s when they kick you out, with a new set of clothes, a couple of quid in your pocket and tell you to find a job.’

  ‘Brian and me thought we could get away from here next year, when we are fourteen, but they are about to raise the school leaving age to fifteen, that means we will have another year at this dump.’

  ‘How much older was Lion than you two?’

  ‘Eight months older than Brian and, ten months older than me.’

  ‘Do you think that is why Lion ran away now, because he had another year here and Flynn of course?’

  ‘Almost certain I’d say, but we will never really know, not now.’

  ‘It’s not fair, I miss him a lot he was good to me.’

  ‘We knew him a lot longer. Lion was like a brother to us, how do you think we feel Phil?’

  ‘Yeah sorry; look, I have something I must tell you; I saw Lion get into the boot of the car.’

  ‘What, when, how, why didn’t you say before?’

  ‘I wish I had Brian, but at first I thought that, if no one else knew, Lion would have a better chance of getting away. I’m not saying any of you would have said anything, but I thought, if you didn’t know, then nothing could slip out by mistake.’

  ‘Bloody cheek, you have only been here a few weeks and you have already decided what we will or not say, or what might slip out, what do you think we are, bloody idiots?’

  ‘No, it wasn’t like that I didn’t mean to upset any of you, you’re the best friends I have ever had.’

  ‘Okay Phil, Brian is just a bit upset; tell us how it was then.’ The whole story pours out, except the bit about the driver locking the boot. I’m talking so fast nobody has a chance to interrupt.

  ‘Why didn’t you speak up in the Reverend’s office?’

  ‘Come on Toby, if I had said he went in the car they would have known where to look for him and he may have got caught.’

  ‘But he is dead.’

  ‘I didn’t know that, if I had known he was going to die I’d have jumped out in front of the car and stopped it. I didn’t know did I? I feel so guilty; I could have saved his life if only I knew.’ My throat is drying up, I feel like I am going to cry, running from the room I don’t know where I’m going, but I have to be on my own. Running blindly I find myself in the library, huddled in the corner where I watched Peter thrash Flynn at chess. I still feel that I want to cry but the tears won’t come, there is only this pricking burning sensation in my eyes, I feel sick, my stomach aches with being tensed up.

  I wish I hadn’t told them, I only told them because I thought it would make me feel better. Gran used to say, ‘A problem shared is a problem halved’ just shows she didn’t know everything because now I feel worse. I thought my friends should know, I didn’t expect them to blame me for Lion dying; well, I don’t care, I know I couldn’t have done anything how could I have chased a moving car, undone the boot handle without giving Lion away? I couldn’t; anyway, with the boot open the fumes would have got in the boot quicker he would have died anyway. That’s it it’s not my fault, I didn’t kill him, it was that bloody Humber, not very, Super Snipe with it’s leaking exhaust, that’s what did it. It was an accident; Lion wouldn’t have climbed in the boot if he had known it was going to kill him, would he? I can feel my stomach relax and saliva return to my mouth as the guilt goes from me. Perhaps Gran was right after all, if I hadn’t told them I wouldn’t have thought it through and would have still felt guilty; Thank you Gran, you’re a star, I love you and miss you so much.

  Although I feel better I still want to be on my own, I’m not supposed to be in the Library in the mornings so, until I get caught, I’ll hide here and read my book. I have moved the high back armchair, slightly on an angle, so I can see in the mirror, anyone coming up the stairs. No one can see me unless they look over the back of the chair.

  My piece of wool is marking my place at chapter twelve. Sir Kenneth the Scottish Knight, and his dog Roswal, are guarding the English Standard from attack by the Saracens, all alone, while everyone else is asleep. Nectabanus the dwarf, (I wish these names were easier to pronounce) sneaks up the hill and tries to persuade Sir Kenneth to leave his post to go and see Lady Edith---- A creak on the stairs makes me look up, I glance in the mirror to see Toby’s head just above the top step, he stops, hesitates, then ducks back down, the steps creak as he retraces his steps. That’s good, he didn’t see me, I want to be here on my own; now, where was I? Oh yeah, ------ the dwarf has brought with him a ruby ring he recognizes as belonging to her. The dwarf tells Sir Kenneth she needs him to go and see her now, I can’t leave my post it, would be treason. The dwarf says (I find it easier to say the dwarf instead of trying to pronounce his name) It would be more than treason if you did not go----, the stairs creak again. Looking up, this time it is Brian’s head, followed by Jack’s, then Toby’s, they walk straight to where I am hiding. Brian speaks, ‘So there you are we have come to say sorry.’

  ‘How did you find me?’

  ‘Because this is your bolt hole you always come here.’

  ‘Yeah I suppose I do, but how did you know I was in this chair?’

  ‘It’s not difficult; didn’t you think that, if you could see us in the mirror, we could see you.’

  ‘Sugar, and I thought I was being clever, why do you want to say sorry; what have you done?’ Jack speaks,

  ‘Don’t be bloody smart Phil, you know what Brian means.’

  ‘Yeah I know, just a bit embarrassed, that’s all’

  ‘You embarrassed, it’s us that should be; blaming you for Lion’s death when we know it was an accident. Not one of us could have prevented it, except Lion. Would he have done what he did if he knew it would kill him? Of course not, so we are all sorry.’

  ‘That’s okay, I’m sorry too, I should have told you, where’s Peter is he not sorry?’

  ‘He is too excited about Bloody Auntie Mavis.’ We all laugh.

  The stairs creak loudly and Flynn’s head appears, ‘What are you doing here? Get back downstairs this minute’ Brian turns to face Flynn,

  ‘Not until we are ready to go Flynn, we are looking up something we can say at Lion’s Funeral; so far, all we can think of is that it was you that killed him, you didn’t succeed in choking him with your dick when you put it in his mouth, so you had to get him gassed instead; now, fuck off you pervert.’ Not only Flynn is taken back by Brian’s out burst, we all are and stare, not believing what we have just heard. Flynn’s face has gone purple, his e
yes are bulging, he makes a lunge at Brian who steps aside easily and taunts him to try again, ‘Come on pervert how will you explain this. Hit me you bloody pervert.’ There is a silence, Flynn checks himself, he opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. Toby breaks the silence by shouting, ‘PT IN THE LIBRARY, PT IN THE LIBRARY.’ We all join in at the tops of our voices. Flynn turns and runs nearly falling down the stairs in his haste. We continue shouting, and then burst into uncontrollable laughter.

  ‘What the devil is going on here?’ We turn to find Mam, standing at the top of the stairs, her hands on her hips, breathing heavy she repeats ‘What is going on?’

  ‘Sorry Mam but we are looking for a book that can tell us what words to say at Lion’s funeral.’

  ‘Now that is a nice thought Phillip, if you want to say something it would be a nice tribute to Lionel, have you any idea what sort of things you would want to say?’

  ‘We don’t know Mam, that’s why we are up here in the library.’

  ‘Why were you shouting and laughing?’ Jack answers, until now he hasn’t said a lot

  ‘Mr. Flynn was here but he left in a hurry, we were trying to get him to come back and give us a HAND Mam but he just ran away and that made us laugh.’ Brian gives a giggle, Mam says nothing, standing there looking at us. I think I can see a glimmer of understanding in her eyes.

  None of us speaks; after what seems an eternity she says, ‘I will speak to the Reverend with regard to you speaking at the funeral or the memorial service, if he agrees, we will find something appropriate. Now it is nearly time for lunch, be off with you.’ I put my marker into the Talisman, noticing I’m up to chapter thirteen, hope that doesn’t mean bad luck placing it on the shelf I follow the others back to our dorm.