Who We Are

by Nicola Haken

  The widest grin crawled onto my lips. I don’t think I’d ever seen him so excited, and all over a crappy old vase and David Dickinson. It was the most magical sight in the world, and also slightly hilarious.

  “Thank you, Oliver,” Dad said, shaking his hand. “I’ll let Liz know. She watches all that daytime shite on the telly, too.”

  “I heard that,” Mum called, flashing Dad the evil eye as she entered the room. Turning to me, she added, “I’ve put your oven dishes in the sink to soak and wiped the sides down. You just need to stack the dishwasher.”

  She couldn’t help herself. “Thanks, Mum.”

  “Right, come on, Andrew. We’ve got three nights of Emmerdale to catch up on from last week.”

  “I’ll call Scott-” I began, but my mum cut me off.

  “Leave him. They’ll be talking girls and rugby. Just tell him to give his old nanna a ring during the week.”

  “Will do.” I followed my parents out to their car, along with Auntie Gemma and Uncle Rob. As promised, Oliver wrote down the salon’s number and handed it to my auntie before accepting the overly familiar hug she gave him. Seriously, I could’ve sworn I saw her grab his arse.

  “Safe journey!” I called, as I always did, waving as their car reversed off my driveway. The second it disappeared from sight, I exhaled a deep sigh of relief, throwing my arm across Oliver’s shoulders and planting a kiss on the side of his cheek. “Thank God that’s over.”

  “Stop being dramatic,” he said, chuckling as we walked side by side back into the house. “I love your family.”

  Removing my arm from his shoulders, I closed the front door behind us. “All of them?”

  “Sure. Your uncle’s just set in his ways, but while you were in the kitchen he joined in with the antiques conversation. I think if you explained stuff to him rather than just changing the subject he wouldn’t be like he is.”

  “You think?” I didn’t buy it myself.

  “You can tell he doesn’t think he’s homophobic. He’s got no reason to be. Like, he’s not hiding behind any religion or beliefs. He just doesn’t understand it. He’s family. You need to make him understand. Teach him.” Oliver shrugged like that was an easy task, and after the way he handled Uncle Rob at dinner, maybe it was.

  Hmm.

  “I guess,” I said, collapsing onto the sofa in the lounge. Oliver joined me, his thigh snug against mine, and I rested my hand on his knee. “I mean my dad was a bit the same when I came out as bi. He thought it was some new-fangled nonsense and didn’t get why I couldn’t just make up my mind. He said they didn’t have all this whimsical shite in his day, and that us modern kids were just greedy and entitled.”

  “Wow. Your dad seemed so cool tonight. That really surprises me.”

  “Oh he is…now. But like you did with Uncle Rob I explained it to him. I told him how I felt, that I have no more say in who I’m attracted to than any straight or gay person does. People don’t choose to be straight or gay because they don’t want to be greedy, they’re simply attracted to one gender. I like both, again, not by choice. Seems obvious, but some people, like my dad, need it spelling out for them to understand.”

  “And did he?”

  “Yeah, eventually. I think the clip around the ear he got from Mum helped,” I said, snorting at the memory. “Of course, some people are stuck so far up their own arses no amount of explaining will change their minds and, honestly, I thought Uncle Rob was one of those people.” Part of me still did, but hey, it was worth a shot.

  “He might be. I’ve only met him once. I just believe in giving folk the benefit of the doubt. If I don’t, the world seems too ugly.”

  Putting my arm around his back, I pulled him further into me. “And that is one of the many things I adore about you. I’m proud of you for standing up to him.”

  Snuggling close, he dropped his head to my shoulder, the scent of whatever fruity-smelling product he used on his vibrant red hair dancing up my nose. “Honestly, I might not have if Tyler hadn’t been there. I don’t like confrontation.” He shrugged a little. “That’s why I try to blend in outside of work, I guess. But I know that’s not right. That’s not how my mum raised me, and that’s not how I want Tyler to think either. I’ve always thought it’s important for him to know you can’t succumb to bullies, or let other people dictate your happiness. If we’d been alone, I dunno, maybe I’d have shrugged it off, but I wanted Tyler to know the things your uncle said were unacceptable, that if we don’t challenge opinions like that, nothing will change.”

  “Whatever your reasons, you still did it, and I’m still proud of you. With a role model like that Ty’s going to grow into a fine young man.”

  Oliver sighed, looking down to his knees. “Maybe. I haven’t always been so great at it. Guess I’m learning right along with him. They’ve been upstairs a while,” he added. “Do you think they’re getting along?”

  “They seemed to be at dinner.”

  “That’s good. Ty could use a new friend. I think the ones he’s got now are trouble.”

  “Yeah. Scott’s mentioned a few things.”

  Lifting his head from my shoulder, he looked a little shocked. “He has?”

  “Nothing bad, not about Tyler anyway. Scott’s heard some of the other lads making homophobic remarks, and he won’t hang around those kinda kids.”

  “Yeah. I wish Ty wouldn’t either.”

  “He’s young. It’s hard finding your place in the world. And peer pressure’s a tough thing when you’re that age. I remember it well. When we were fifteen Benny and I stole a bottle of cider from a supermarket because these popular kids in year eleven said they’d let us go to their party at the weekend if we did.”

  “Oh my God! I’m dating a criminal! And did they let you go to the party?”

  “Nah. They took the cider and then flushed Benny’s head in the toilet.”

  Oliver laughed, smacking a hand over his mouth. “Why just Benny’s?”

  “Because I was smart enough to run away.” Something Benny still held against me all these years later, mostly when he was drunk.

  “We need to go out with Benny one night,” Oliver suggested. “I bet he has some awesome tales to tell from your younger years. I could bring Rhys too.”

  “Oh God, a night with those two? I’ll need a month’s notice so I can stock up on sleep and energy drinks.”

  This moment was perfect. A quiet Saturday evening, relaxed on the sofa with a wonderful man by my side, drawing little circles on my arm with his finger, making goosebumps erupt over the surface of my skin. In my head I dreamt of a time when this could be every night, when we’d be a family and this perfect moment would simply be…life.

  What a romantic, fanciful notion that was. Impractical, for now, possibly unrealistic…but I wanted it.

  Someday.

  “So,” I began. “I know you can’t stay, but you can stay for a little longer, right? Maybe watch a movie? I’ll go see how the boys are getting on upstairs.”

  “Sure. If Scott and Ty don’t mind.”

  Happy that I didn’t have to lose him just yet, I jumped from the sofa and tossed him the TV remote from the fireplace. “Start looking for something. I’ve got Netflix, Amazon Video, and all the Sky Movies channels too.”

  Oliver’s eyes widened a little before he nodded, and then I headed upstairs to check on the boys. Scott’s door was ajar when I reached the top step and I overheard them discussing Oliver and me. I knew immediately the right thing to do would be to barge right in, or cough, or make any kind of noise that would alert them to my presence but, well, I didn’t.

  Instead, I tiptoed back a step and listened in, breaking every rule in the Dad Code book.

  “You shouldn’t let ‘em say shit like that,” I heard Scott say.

  My mouth opened instinctively, ready to pull him up on the swearing, but then I remembered I was a snidey eavesdropper and I would have to let this one slide.

  “They’re not your friends.”<
br />
  “It’s just easier, I guess,” Tyler said. “So it won’t bother you? If people at school find out about your dad and my brother?”

  “Why would it?”

  “They might start callin’ you stuff, too.”

  “You think they don’t already? Fuckin’ hell, mate, you think you’ve got it bad havin’ a gay brother? Try growin’ up with two mums, missin’ fingers, and a bisexual dad. Kids have given me shit all my life. I just tell the stupid dicks to fuck off, and get on with my day with my real friends.”

  Jesus Christ! My kid had an insanely filthy mouth when he thought his parents weren’t listening. Where the hell had my innocent baby gone? Taking a deep breath, I reminded myself that I was no different when I was fifteen, but that didn’t stop me itching to march in there and flood his gob with washing up liquid.

  Language aside, I couldn’t help being mighty proud of his attitude, and the advice he’d given Oliver’s brother.

  “Your dad’s bisexual?” Tyler asked, surprise in his tone.

  “Yep,” he answered, completely casual, no big deal.

  “I thought… It’s just there’s that girl in year eleven who says she’s bi and everyone reckons she’s just sayin’ it to be cool. Except the girls; they just think she’s a slag.”

  “Well, you’ve met my dad, right? He’s so not cool. So that quashes that theory.”

  “I like your dad,” Tyler countered.

  It made me smile. It also made me think I’d heard enough. I shouldn’t have been here, invading their privacy.

  “So you think it’s really possible then?” Tyler continued, just as I was about to take a step forward. “To like girls and boys? I’ve heard people say it’s just attention seeking.”

  “Sure. My dad’s always been really honest with me when I’ve asked about it, so have my mum and Jenny. Why? Do you think you might be bi?”

  “What? No, well, I don’t…I mean no. No. I just… Have you got Black Ops on here? Ben says it’s beast.”

  Well…damn. A heavy knot formed in my stomach and, suddenly, I wished I hadn’t listened in after all. If Oliver’s brother was questioning his sexuality I shouldn’t have been aware of it without his knowledge. However, I felt comforted by the fact that if he was struggling, he’d have Scott to turn to if he didn’t feel like he had anyone else. I knew my boy would help him, support him, until he was ready to talk to Oliver. That’s if there was even anything to talk about. I could’ve quite easily read far too much into what I’d overheard, despite being fairly confident I hadn’t.

  I decided to leave the boys alone, tiptoeing back down the stairs and hoping they didn’t hear me. “Boys are fine,” I said when I re-joined Oliver on the sofa. “Still playing on the Xbox.”

  “What took you so long?”

  “Went to the toilet,” I lied. Whatever secret Tyler may or may not have had wasn’t mine to share, even with Oliver. If my suspicions were right, outing him before he was ready would only cause more hurt and confusion in his head than what was no doubt there already. Oliver would understand that. “Did you choose a film?”

  “Deadpool?”

  “Awesome. I’ve heard it’s hilarious.” Slouching back onto the cushions, I propped my feet up on the coffee table in front of me and patted my knee for Oliver to lie down.

  Shifting into position, he rolled onto his side and rested his head on my lap, letting his feet dangle off the arm of the sofa before pressing play on the remote.

  This. Him. It was everything I’d given up on, everything I’d thought I couldn’t have. Companionship. Affection. Acceptance. Things I’d craved for so long I’d convinced myself they didn’t exist. As Oliver watched the movie, I watched him, my thoughts returning to that four-letter word that, in all honesty, terrified me a little.

  Love.

  It’s a word that had caused so much pain and confusion in the past. Did I love him? I could, I thought. How were you supposed to know for sure? With Anna, I waited for some kind of magical moment to descend, an epiphany, almost, but it never came. After a few months I figured I must have loved her or we wouldn’t still be together, so that’s when I told her. But it wasn’t love. I knew that now. I didn’t want to make that same mistake with Oliver. Love him or not, I knew for certain he meant too much to me to do that to him, to either of us.

  Did the fact I could feel his smile in my chest mean I loved him? What about that tingle deep in my belly whenever he walked into the room? He was the first person I thought about each morning, and the last person before I went to sleep. When I had good news, or bad, if I’d heard a joke, seen a funny meme on Facebook, or even eaten something particularly delicious…he was the first person I wanted to tell. Did those things mean I loved him?

  “Oh my God!” Oliver’s high-pitched laugh interrupted my thoughts and he craned his neck to stare up at me. “Did you see that?” he asked, before returning his gaze to the TV screen.

  “Yeah,” I agreed, snorting a fake laugh because I had no idea what was going on in the movie…and I didn’t care. I cared about his laugh, how cute it sounded, how happy he looked when he did it. I cared about the way he snuggled closer into me and tucked his hands under his cheek, against my thighs. I cared about the fact he was here, with my son upstairs, and that he made us feel like a family.

  I cared about him.

  I think…I think I love him.

  Chapter Six

  ~Oliver~

  “HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO yooooou! Happy birthday to yooooou! Happy birthday, dear Tyleeeeer! Happy birthday tooooo yooooooou!” I finished my song with my arms in the air, welcoming my brother the second he stepped into the living room on the morning of his fifteenth birthday.

  “Thanks,” he muttered, smiling as he shook his head at my very theatrical performance.

  More excited than he was, I clapped my hands and nodded towards the couch where his gift sat, wrapped in shiny blue paper. “Open your present!”

  Rubbing the back of his neck, he looked almost nervous as he took a seat next to the gift-wrapped box. It was like he was running through his fake excited face in his head, but I was sure I’d cracked it this year. He was going to love what hid inside that box.

  Teasing the paper carefully away from one side, he caught a glimpse of the green box beneath and looked at me, briefly, before ripping the rest of the paper off in record speed. “Holy sh… Are you kidding me?” His eyes widened and he picked up the box, staring at it like he was about to propose. “Is there an actual Xbox One in here or have you used the box to put shoes in or summat?”

  “Have a look,” I urged, grinning proudly as I sat down on the arm of the couch, crossing one leg over the other.

  Breaking the seal on the box, Tyler pulled out the black console, along with all the cardboard and packaging. “Oh my God! How did you afford this?”

  “Never you mind.” He didn’t need to know that I’d got it from a catalogue that charged extortionate interest, and that by the time I’d finished paying it back at nine pounds a week it would have cost me three times more than the original price. “I also got us broadband installed last week while you were at school so you can talk to your friends on it. It also means you can use the Wi-Fi on your phone through it so you won’t keep running out of data.”

  His smile was infectious as he looked through the bundle of games that came with the console. I couldn’t help think of our mum, like I always did on his birthday. She’d kill me if she knew I’d gone into debt with a catalogue, but seeing Tyler’s face made every penny worth it.

  “This is the best birthday ever. Thanks, Olli! Can I set it up now?”

  “No, you’ve got to leave for school in half an hour, but we can do whatever you want tonight. I got the night off from the bar. We can go out for tea, or you can have some friends ‘round?”

  Tyler shrugged. “Ben’s bein’ an arse lately,” he said. His tone seemed unbothered, but his expression disappointed.

  “What about your girlfriend? I haven’t met her
yet.”

  “Broke up with ‘er init.” Again, he shrugged, but from the way his brow furrowed I wondered if maybe he hadn’t been the one doing the breaking up. “I could ask Scott to come over. It’s Friday so he’ll be at his dad’s. Seb can come too.”

  My neck jerked back, a little in pleasant surprise and a little in horror. Seb hadn’t been inside our house yet and I wasn’t sure I wanted him here. In all honestly, I was embarrassed. “You and Scott are friends now?”

  That made me happy. I liked Scott. I didn’t know him that well yet, but he seemed…different to Tyler’s other friends. More mature, somehow. He spoke proper English, for a start. I liked to think he could be a good influence on Ty. He needed more role models in his life.

  “Yeah. He’s sorted. We partnered up in drama this week.”

  “Well…if that’s what you want. It’s your birthday.”

  “He’s got some sick mods on GTA. He can show me how to get ‘em on mine.”

  “I don’t know what that means.”

  Tyler grinned, still staring down at the games console like he’d never seen anything quite as beautiful in his life. “That’s ‘cause you’re old.”

  Since when had thirty been old? I threw a cushion at his head. “Get ready for school, you cheeky sod. I’ll give Seb a ring.”

  After stuffing the console back into its box, Tyler tucked it under his arm and carried it upstairs with a gleaming smile on his face. While he dressed, I got the cereal from the cupboard, along with a bowl and spoon so all he’d have to do was pour it, before taking out my phone and calling Seb.

  “Hey, good-lookin’,” he answered in that charming voice of his.

  “Hey. You’re not driving or anything are you?”