Who We Are

by Nicola Haken

“Oliver-” Seb cut me off, clasping his fingers over my phone and lowering my hand back down. “You’re going to tell him the truth. We’ll do it together. And he can stay with me.”

  I started to nod, but then I shook my head and backed away. “I…No. I shouldn’t until I know for sure.”

  “You don’t have a choice. Where else will you tell him you are? And you can’t not go. If they’re saying you need to stay over then you need to stay over.”

  “N-no. I…I can’t. I…How do I even do it? Tell me, Seb! What do I say?”

  Taking a tentative step towards me, his hand reached up to cup my neck. “I don’t know. But we’ll figure it out. We shouldn’t even worry until we’ve seen the doctor. For all we know you could be coming home tomorrow with a full discharge and a box of iron tablets and we can forget all about this.”

  I admired his optimism, the hope in his eyes, and I wished so hard I could feel just a fraction of it myself. For now, I would have to fake it, for Seb’s sake and for Tyler’s, and so I forced a small smile and pressed a light kiss to his cheek. “I love you, Sebastian. I need you to know that, and to remember it. Always.”

  “Stop it,” he said, pulling me in and slapping my arse so hard it actually stung a little, even through my jeans. “Only dying people get mushy, and you’re not allowed to die, remember? Don’t think you can go back on our deal because of a dodgy blood test.”

  He made me chuckle, which felt refreshing and a little twisted at the same time. “Being in love makes people mushy too. It’s called romance. Humour me.”

  Grinning, he nuzzled my hair. “I love you too. But you don’t need to remember because I’m always going to be here to remind you. Every single day until you’re old and grey and we’re sneakin’ outta bingo night for a fumble when we’re in the old folks’ home.”

  I lifted my head, cocking an eyebrow. “I’m impressed you think we’ll still be able to get it up when we’re in the old folks’ home.”

  “We’re raising awesome kids. I’m sure Scott and Ty will sneak us some Viagra in while they’re visiting with the grandkids.”

  “Grandkids, eh?” The word made me smile, and as my cheek puffed up it nudged the tear from the brink of my eye, allowing it to roll free down my face.

  Leaning forward, Seb kissed it away before pressing his nose to mine. “We’re going to have grandkids. Lots of ‘em. At least twelve. And we’ll be the cool grandads who let them eat as much crap and sugar as they like and let them swear when their parents aren’t around. Just you wait and see.”

  I’d never been able to decide whether I believed in God, but right then I prayed. In my head I begged Him to let me see that day, see our future, our grandkids. I wasn’t asking for an easy ride. I was prepared to fight for it. Earn it. Make sacrifices.

  Dear, God, I’ll fight my damn hardest. Just please let me see that day.

  Seb packed a bag for me while I took a bath, and while I got dressed he called Scott’s mum and asked if she’d have Ty after school. We’d agreed that until Seb could leave the hospital to pick Tyler up it would be best to tell him Seb had taken me on a surprise date, and so Lisa and Jenny had invited him over to their house for tea.

  We arrived at the hospital ridiculously early, which turned out to be a good thing because it took twenty-five minutes circling the car park before we found a free space. I wanted to leave as soon as we stepped inside. That familiar clinical smell, the sound of shoes clippety-clopping on hard floors, hit me like a punch in the face. I felt winded. Nauseous. I didn’t want to be there.

  As if, somehow, he could hear the thoughts running riot in my mind, sense the fear in my bones, Seb took hold of my hand, locking our fingers together. “This way,” he said, nodding towards a sign on the wall. The unit was easy enough to find, and after giving my name to one of the nurses behind a large oval workstation, another nurse – who introduced herself as Maggie – led us through to the ward. She had a kind smile and a gentle voice as she showed me to one of the eight beds. Half of them were occupied already, with men of varying ages who all looked as nervous as I felt.

  “I’m afraid I don’t know what time the doctor will be ‘round,” the nurse said, writing my name on a whiteboard above my bed with a black marker. “It’ll likely be after lunch now. I’ll let you know when we hear from him.”

  “Thank you.” I took a seat on the edge of my bed, my fingers fidgeting on top of my knees as I scanned the rest of the room. There were four beds along my wall and four opposite, a door which I presumed led to a shared bathroom, a yellow bin and a white bin, and various pieces of equipment and machinery attached to walls and dotted around the room. “He can stay with me, right?” I asked, nodding to Seb.

  Nurse Maggie smiled as she fastened an ID bracelet around my wrist. “Of course. This ward has open visiting hours until nine PM.” Next, she showed me how to use the call button that was attached to a stretchy cord on the wall if I needed anything. Then she told me the lunch trolley would be here soon, and finally she asked if I had any questions.

  I said no, despite having thousands, and then she left Seb and I alone with our racing hearts and sinking stomachs.

  “I never thought about lunch.” Seb straightened his back in the plastic chair and rubbed his belly. “I’ll go see if there’s a café in here when yours arrives.”

  “You can eat mine. I’m not hungry.”

  “I don’t think that’s allowed.” He leaned forward and lowered his voice. “That nurse reminded me of my nanna. All sweetness and light on the outside, but there’s a twinkle in her eye that lets you know she’ll tan your arse with a slipper if you break the rules.”

  Shaking my head, I laughed softly, kicked off my trainers, and shuffled properly onto the bed, sitting upright against the headboard. “We’ll draw the curtain. She’ll never know.”

  While we waited for the doctor to arrive, I let Claire know I wouldn’t make it to the salon at all today, feeling only marginally bad about the tonsillitis lie I fed her, and then Seb and I talked about anything that wasn’t hospitals or the dreaded C word. Or rather, Seb talked and I listened. He told me some funny stories about this woman he adored at work – June. He whined about the scratches Marv had made on his couch, said he caught a glimpse of a love bite on Scott’s neck last weekend and had been gearing himself up for ‘the talk’ ever since, and finally we ended up back on the slipper and him reeling off a list of all the things that’d got him in trouble with his nanna as a kid.

  Like the time he put his slug collection in her bed to keep them warm…

  By the time the lunch trolley arrived and the lady in the white tunic and navy pants handed me a pre-packed ham and cheese sandwich, I’d almost forgotten where I was and why I was here. Seb had this remarkable ability to make me forget anyone, or anything else existed when we were together. Just hearing his voice took me off to another world, a safe world, a beautiful place where nothing hurt and the simplest of things felt exciting.

  “My mum always said this was a rich man’s butty,” I said, smirking as I picked at the crust on my bread. “When I was young I had the choice of ham or cheese. Never both.” I heard her voice in my head as if she were sitting right next to me. “‘D’you think I’m made o’ money?’ That’s what she’d say if I ever snuck a slice of cheese onto my ham sandwich. And Christ, if you put onion on there too she’d go so apeshit I thought her face would explode.”

  I expected Seb to smile, so it confused me when his face became void of emotion and he looked off to the side…until I followed his gaze and saw the doctor walking towards my bed. My own smile evaporated instantly, and I tossed my half-eaten sandwich onto the table.

  “Good afternoon, Oliver.” He extended his hand and I took it, giving it a shake. “I’m Doctor Sullivan. How are you feeling today?”

  “Good. Thank you.” I wasn’t, of course, but that’s just what you say, right? I just wanted him to get to the point.

  “Has anyone discussed your blood results with you?”<
br />
  A frustrated sigh left my mouth. “No. No one’s told me anything.”

  His face was serious as he stood there in his suit pants and light blue shirt. His expression didn’t match the bright smile he wore on the ID badge dangling from his lanyard. He was an older man, mid-fifties at a guess, with greying hair and thick glasses, all of which I found reassuring. It spoke of experience and knowledge, which made me trust him and his ability. Possibly judgemental, but hell, this guy might’ve been holding my life in his hands.

  “Okay,” he began, holding a file close to his chest. “Well I’ve been looking over the results and there’s a high number of abnormal white blood cells. Along with a low red blood count, this causes me some concern. I’d like to perform a bone marrow aspiration and biopsy this afternoon so we can see what’s going on.”

  I heard Seb let out a long breath beside me before he reached across and grabbed my hand.

  “The procedure sounds a lot scarier than it actually is,” Doctor Sullivan went on. “There’re no drills or general anaesthetics like a lot of people believe. Maggie here…” He tipped his head in the nurse’s direction. “Can talk you through everything and answer any questions you might have.”

  “It’s okay. I, uh…My mum had several. I’ve been through all this before.”

  “Yes, I read your notes. However, let’s not get ahead of ourselves until we know what we’re dealing with.”

  “So, you’re not looking for leukaemia?” My tone sounded almost sarcastic. I hadn’t meant it to, but everyone seemed so damn afraid to say the word and I was starting to feel like I was making it up, going crazy, imagining it.

  “Leukaemia is my biggest concern right now, Oliver, yes. Hopefully the biopsy will tell us one way or the other.”

  I’d be lying if I said the words didn’t feel like he’d just kicked me in the chest, but finally, we were getting somewhere. He was honest with me. I respected that. I needed that.

  “Thank you.”

  When the doctor left, Maggie stayed behind and talked me through everything that would happen today. Seb didn’t let go of my hand the entire time, and every so often his grip would squeeze a little tighter. I remembered my mum telling me her bone marrow biopsies didn’t hurt but I suspected she said that to appease me. As I took the white gown – dotted throughout with the hospital logo – from Maggie, forcing Seb to drop my hand, a wave of panic rolled through my body. I was quietly terrified, but I refused to let it show in my expression. I couldn’t add more pain to Seb’s face. I swear he’d aged ten years in the last twenty-four hours already. His skin was duller, almost grey, and he had heavy circles under his eyes.

  “Crap. I don’t have any slippers.” I looked down at my bare feet dangling off the edge of the bed after changing into my gown. “Or pyjamas for tonight.” I’d been in such a rush, my mind a complete daze, I’d probably forgotten other stuff too.

  Seb towered above me, tying the last of the strings together behind my back. “I’ll go to the gift shop,” he said before leaning down to my ear. “By the way, you look kinda hot in this nightie.”

  Chuckling, I bumped him with my shoulder. “It needs a good pair of heels and some diamantés. Maybe if I stay a while they’ll let me bring in my glue gun. Bling this baby up a bit.”

  “You’re all the bling it needs.” He kissed my nose. “Back soon.”

  By the time he returned, a porter had arrived to take me for my biopsy. I’d just settled into the wheelchair when Seb appeared at the ward entrance, holding up a carrier bag. His breath hitched when he saw me, knowing what was about to happen, but he composed himself quickly, forcing a smile in place. “Slippers,” he announced, pulling them from the bag before bending to push them onto my feet. Standing back up straight, he delved back into the bag. “And Ribena.”

  I watched him place two bottles of ready-to-drink juice on the wheeled table at the foot of my bed and it made my heart swell. He knew me. He loved me. And it was all there in that one simple gesture.

  “They didn’t have any PJ’s, but there’s a Tesco nearby. I’ll nip out later.”

  I nodded, I think. I couldn’t bring myself to care about pyjamas right now.

  “Ready?” the porter asked, clicking the brakes off my chair with his foot.

  “Be brave,” Seb said. “Don’t go crying in front of the doctors and making a holy show of yourself.”

  “I’ll try,” I agreed, exhaling a breath of laughter.

  Bending down, he kissed my cheek, letting his lips linger for a few seconds. “I love you,” he whispered. “I’ll be right here the whole time.”

  My pulse quickened and my throat felt too tight, and so all I could do was nod, nod and pray this would all be over soon. With that, the room began to move and I was pushed forward, Seb’s hand slipping from my shoulder as bubbles of nerves started to rise in my chest. I kept my hands on my knees and my head down as we made our way through the hospital. People walked past me – talking, laughing, living, and it felt like I was no longer part of their world. They were likely making plans. Dinner next week, a friend’s wedding, dates, movie nights…

  I didn’t know how to plan for the future anymore… because I didn’t know if I had one.

  First, the porter wheeled me into a waiting room where I had my blood pressure taken and one of those little pulse monitors attached to my finger. From there, they took me into what looked like an operating theatre. Very clinical. Lots of cupboards on the walls, machines in every corner, and a bed in the middle of the room.

  “Good to see you again, Oliver.” The doctor from earlier, my haematologist, nodded in greeting as he snapped on a pair of gloves.

  I wished I could say the same, but it didn’t feel all that great to see him.

  “Lie on your side and bring your knees up to your chest,” he told me, offering an encouraging smile. “I’ll get this over with as quickly as I can.”

  “Sounds good to me.” My voice came out shaky as I did as he asked, using the stool provided to hitch myself up onto the high bed.

  While Doctor Sullivan made his way to my back, a nurse stayed in front of me, by my face. She stayed there throughout the procedure, periodically asking if I was okay, taking my hand when the pain hit. She was marvellous. Doctor Sullivan talked me through every step he made, from the initial sting of the local anaesthetic to the moment he drew the final needle out. It didn’t hurt as much as my mind had convinced itself it was going to. The biopsy was more intense than the aspiration, and the shock of the needle was enough to make me grit my teeth and suck in a hiss, but overall I felt more pressure than pain, and the whole thing was over in twenty minutes.

  “All done.”

  Thank God.

  “I’m going to need you to lie here for a little while and then you’ll be taken back to the ward. If all’s well in a couple of hours, you’ll be able to go home tonight.”

  My eyebrows knitted together in confusion and I tried not to let hope balloon in my chest. “But they told me to bring an overnight bag.”

  “We advise that as a precaution in case of complications. The procedure went well. I’d like to keep an eye on you here for the rest of the afternoon, but after that I see no reason why you can’t rest at home. Providing you’re not alone. Will you have someone with you overnight?”

  “Y-yes. Yes, my partner, who you met earlier, and…” Damn. Tyler still didn’t know any of this and the thought of him made my heart slither into my stomach. “And my brother. I’m his guardian.”

  “Excellent. I’ll leave you with Melanie here for now, but I’ll come back to see you on the ward before you leave and we’ll talk about what you can expect over the next few days. Okay?”

  “Okay. Thanks.”

  Nodding, he patted my shoulder and left the room. I liked this guy. On the outside he looked so…formal. I guess his age and dress sense did that. But he was actually really friendly and approachable. There was a possibility I’d be seeing a lot more of him in the coming months so liki
ng him was certainly a bonus.

  “Okay, Oliver. I’m just going to clean this up for you and put a dressing on, then we’ll get you covered back up.” Melanie, my nurse, washed her hands in the sink at the far end of the room as she spoke, but to be honest I wasn’t really listening. All I could think about was getting out of here, being with Seb and…

  Telling Tyler.

  * * *

  I walked into Seb’s living room at around eight PM that night, his arm around my waist, supporting me even though I didn’t really need it. Still, I liked it, and I definitely appreciated it. He helped me onto the couch, keeping his arms close as I lowered myself down, as if I might fall any second.

  He plumped the cushions either side of me, which made little difference to my body or position but, again, I valued the gesture nonetheless. “Are you comfortable?”

  “I’m fine. Just a little sore,” I said, wincing as I adjusted my arse. Doctor Sullivan said I could expect my hip and the surrounding area to be painful for a few days, which is why I agreed to stay at Seb’s. His bed, hell, his whole house, was more comfortable than mine. Warmer, too. And so, we stopped off at mine after leaving the hospital to grab enough things to cover me and Tyler for the next few days.

  “Lisa text a few minutes ago. She’s on her way with Tyler.” Seb settled down next to me, draping his arm across the back of my shoulders.

  “Maybe we can wait, you know, now I’m out of hospital. The doctor said the results should only take a few days.”

  A quiet, unsure sigh passed through the air beside me. “Oliver…you’re walking with a limp. You look like shit-”

  “Gee, thanks,” I interrupted.

  “He’s going to know something’s wrong. Don’t lie to him. It’s not fair.”

  “I’m trying to protect him.”

  “He won’t see it that way. He’ll think you don’t think he’s mature enough to support you. He’ll think you don’t trust him.”

  “You sound like Rhys.” Shit. “Dammit. Rhys. He’s another person I’m gonna have to tell if these tests come back positive. God…I hate this. I hate hurting people.”