Trails Merge

by Rachel Spangler

  “Darling, you won’t be working for the politicians. You’d be working for these kids,” Alexis said, the barest hint of pleading in her voice.

  “I know you’ve been let down by people in power before,” Nadia added softly. “I wouldn’t ask you to put your faith in another politician, not even me. I’m asking you to put your faith in these young people, and in a program that offers them a shot at the same bright future you and I were given.”

  Campbell knew that appeal would reach Parker because of how she felt about her own opportunities. She also knew that Parker probably wouldn’t hesitate now if it weren’t for her, and she didn’t know if she should feel honored or guilty.

  “I can’t decide about this right now,” Parker finally said.

  “Of course not.” Nadia sat back as if to signify her sales pitch had ended. “Take some time. The two of you talk it over. If you decide you want to hear more, give me a call and we’ll set up a time for you to come visit our office, meet some of our supporters, and get to know some of our kids.”

  Campbell sat silently as the conversation turned to small talk about Nadia and Parker’s mutual acquaintances. She knew Parker had just been offered something that would be hard to refuse, and she struggled to come to terms with what that meant for their relationship. The next time Alexis filled her glass, Campbell didn’t hesitate to gulp the amber liquid. She wished the drink could drown the feeling that she was about to lose another woman she loved to a life she couldn’t even begin to compete with.

  *

  Parker was glad to see the conference end. She felt like she’d been running for three days without a break. She missed the peace and quiet she’d grown accustomed to at Bear Run and didn’t know how she had lived at such a rapid pace for months during a campaign. A few days of such activity was enough to exhaust her. Still, she was proud that the event was successful and that people had begun to discuss booking the lodge for next year. The women of the Chicago Women’s Democratic Caucus had enjoyed being able to ski, dine, and mingle without interruptions from the press or constituents, and the Carson family met all their needs. In return, the women paid well for their services and tipped generously for any extra attention. Everyone was happy with the arrangement. Parker had even seen Greg smile a time or two, and while she didn’t plan to rub that reaction in, she was pleased to prove him wrong.

  “You look awfully self-satisfied,” Alexis said from the open doorway to Parker’s office.

  “And why shouldn’t I be? The event we planned was a hit.”

  “Yes, it was.” Alexis closed the door behind her. “I’m heading home this afternoon. Any chance you’ll come?”

  “Nope. As soon as all of you Chicagoans leave, I’m going to bed for two days.”

  “I would, too, if I had your hard-bodied ski goddess in my bed,” Alexis said mischievously.

  “She is divine, isn’t she?” Parker felt dreamy at the thought of Campbell.

  “That she is.” Alexis nodded, but her smile faltered slightly. “I assume her divinity is what kept you from jumping at Nadia Baker’s job offer.”

  Parker frowned. She’d done her best to ignore that prospect. She and Campbell had put off talking about it. Both of them sensed the gravity of the conversation, and neither was ready to face what Nadia’s offer meant for them yet. Instead they’d spent the previous night making love and reveling in the joy of each other’s company. “Alexis, I said I’ll think about it next week.”

  “Bullshit, darling. You can’t fool me. I know it’s been on your mind constantly since the offer was made, maybe even before that.”

  “I like it here, Alexis,” Parker said emphatically.

  “I know you do, but I also know you’re called to bigger things than marketing and sales. You know it, too.” Alexis’s voice was nothing but sympathetic. “This is the opportunity you’ve always wanted. If you pass up a chance to make a real difference in these kids’ lives in favor of this comfortable cocoon, you won’t be able to forgive yourself.”

  Parker stood up suddenly and finally said what had haunted her all night. “I can’t do it to her, Alexis. If you knew what Campbell had been through, you’d understand why.”

  “You’re going to short-change yourself again for some woman you don’t even know if it will work out with?” Alexis chuckled.

  “Don’t do that.” Parker raised her voice more in desperation than anger. “She’s not Mia. She’s nothing like Mia.”

  “I know she’s not,” Alexis acknowledged. “I like Campbell. I wish I didn’t. This would be easier, but ultimately it’s not about her. It’s about you doing what’s right for you, what you’ve always wanted to do, and this program is it.”

  “What if Campbell is what’s right for me?” Parker asked quickly, her head and her heart warring within her, almost tearing her apart.

  “This is your chance of a lifetime. Take her along for the ride.”

  Parker dismissed the idea immediately. “She wouldn’t be Campbell without Bear Run. I can’t ask her to leave her home, her family, for a dream that isn’t her own. Can you imagine her being happy in some city apartment while I keep the ungodly hours this job would require?”

  Alexis silently agreed.

  “Honestly, Alexis, if I could be involved in the program without sacrificing all this, I’d jump—”

  “So you plan to sacrifice yourself? If she loves you, she wouldn’t ask that of you.”

  “She hasn’t asked it of me. She hasn’t said anything about it, but she’s scared. I know she is, and she deserves better, Alexis.” Parker’s voice cracked with emotion.

  Alexis rose. “As long as I’ve known you, you’ve searched for a way to make a tangible difference in the world, and now you have your shot. If you walk away, you’ll regret it, and you’ll resent her in the end. You both deserve better.”

  There it was, the fear that had been in the back of Parker’s mind. She could lose it all. She couldn’t guarantee that staying would save Campbell from the pain she wanted to protect her from. This week had shown several reasons why their relationship could fail—their past mistakes, the differences in their personalities, the objections of Campbell’s father. Any number of things could still arise to threaten their status as a couple. She could pass up this opportunity and still not give Campbell a relationship she was worthy of.

  Alexis hugged Parker and headed for the door. Before she walked out of the office she said, “I’ll see you in Chicago.”

  *

  Campbell knew something was wrong as soon as she saw Parker that evening. She was clearly exhausted, though that could be explained by the recent conference, or their lack of sleep because they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. If she’d merely been tired, Campbell wouldn’t have worried, but she was clearly sad, too.

  “Hi.” Campbell tried to force a smile as she placed a kiss on Parker’s lips, but she stopped there. They couldn’t put off the inevitable. Campbell took Parker’s hand and led her across the room to the couch. She steeled herself for the conversation she’d been dreading and gently asked, “What have you decided?”

  “Campbell,” Parker said, then exhaled slowly, “I haven’t decided anything for sure. We need to determine this together. If you tell me not to go, I won’t.”

  Campbell shook her head, unable to find the right words. She’d been here before. She’d learned how it felt to hold on to someone whose heart was somewhere else. “I won’t do that. I can’t, and you know why.”

  “It’s not like that,” Parker said softly. “I don’t want to leave. I love it here. This mountain feels almost like home now, and your family has been wonderful to me.” She smiled weakly. “And you…”

  Campbell looked into those deep brown eyes and saw her own pain mirrored there as Parker said, “You’re amazing. You’re the woman of my dreams.”

  “But,” Campbell said what Parker couldn’t, “you have other dreams, too.”

  Parker nodded as her tears started to fall. Camp
bell pulled her close and rocked her tenderly. She could barely breathe. She wanted to beg Parker not to go. She wanted to keep her in her arms forever, but if she did, things would never be the same. She wouldn’t be Parker if she didn’t chase her dream. Campbell might have fallen for Parker the first time she saw her—confident, proud, and beautiful at the softball game—but she’d also known that Parker was meant for a bigger life than Bear Run offered.

  “It’s not set in stone,” Parker said. “I just need to give it a chance. Maybe when I learn more about the program it won’t sound as good. I ran away from that life once because I couldn’t do what I needed to do there. Maybe that’s still true.”

  “I understand,” Campbell whispered as she stroked Parker’s hair. She did understand, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. “When will you leave?”

  “The day after tomorrow. Only for two days, to learn more.”

  “Will you stay with me tonight?”

  “I’d like that,” Parker said between sniffles.

  “Me, too.” Campbell kissed her again, this time more thoroughly. She didn’t care what Parker said now. Once she left she would be gone for good. Even if she did come back to the mountain after the interview, her heart would already be gone This would be their last time together with nothing else between them. She wanted to savor every minute.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Parker had been at a standstill on Lake Shore Drive for over twenty minutes. The bumper-to-bumper traffic was maddening, and the freezing rain that had been falling on the city for the past hour didn’t help. She’d been in the car for too long, since it was less than ten miles from Alexis’s apartment on Grand and Michigan to Nadia’s office across from Comiskey Park, or U.S. Cellular Field, as it was now named. She felt claustrophobic as she wound between skyscrapers and sports stadiums built among and on top of century-old warehouses. She’d always loved old Chicago, but today it was disorienting not to be able to see the horizon.

  Someone laid on the horn behind her, as though honking would make the traffic disappear. She’d already seen two fender-benders, and several other drivers screamed or gestured with their middle fingers extended in the direction of their fellow commuters. The Carsons rarely raised their voice in anger.

  She missed Campbell so much her chest ached. She missed sleeping with her, she missed waking up next to her, she missed watching her on the slopes. She still couldn’t forget how Campbell’s blue eyes shimmered with tears when they parted the day before. Alexis had done her best to take her mind off her loneliness by taking her out to dinner and then to the theater, but Parker hadn’t had much appetite and wondered during the entire play what Campbell was doing. She’d picked up the phone to call her several times, but hearing her voice would only make things harder.

  She circled the block that Nadia’s office was on several times before she found a parking lot with space available and noted that it would cost her thirteen dollars an hour to leave her car there. When she entered the building, a polite but obviously busy receptionist greeted her and told her to have a seat, that Nadia would be with her soon. Parker reached into the leather briefcase she’d pulled out of her closet for this occasion and retrieved an antacid and two aspirin. She’d had a stomachache and a headache since she arrived in the city. Maybe it was stress, maybe it was the smog or the lack of sleep, but she felt terrible, emotionally and physically. She dry-swallowed the pills, a habit she had picked up on the campaign trail, and studied her surroundings. She was awfully miserable for someone about to have a lifelong dream come true.

  The reception area was relatively bare, but some pictures on the opposite wall caught her eye. She crossed the room to examine them more closely. One showed several teenagers, all of them either black or Latino, standing around a tractor in an open field. They wore huge smiles, and Parker assumed the group was part of the Broad Horizons program. The next was of Nadia with a young girl in a graduation cap and gown. Parker searched the previous picture and realized the girl was one of the teenagers standing beside the tractor. The second picture testified to the success of the first, and Parker was glad to be reminded why she was here. She wanted to make a difference in the lives of young people like these.

  The next picture, though, reminded her of what she was leaving behind. It was Nadia’s wedding picture. Parker guessed her to be about ten years younger as she stood with her new groom on a hillside surrounded by their extended families. Tears once again formed at the corner of her eyes as she wondered which picture Nadia held more dear. If she’d been forced to choose, would she be in this office right now, or would she be on that hillside? She was still pondering that question when the secretary informed her that Nadia was ready to see her.

  *

  Campbell lay awake for hours listening to the sounds of the ice storm outside while Badger paced nervously at the foot of the bed. It was probably the weather that bothered him, but maybe he missed Parker, too. He could certainly sense Campbell’s sour mood because he didn’t try to follow her when she finally got out of bed.

  She conferred with Sammy, and they decided to take a few early runs down the slopes to see if conditions were safe for the general public. They rarely shut down the mountain, but since ice could be deadly on certain trails, they occasionally had to restrict access to those areas. Campbell hated ice and dreaded having to ski the most challenging portions of the mountain on it while freezing rain pelted her in the face.

  “Like this day wasn’t shitty enough as it was,” she mumbled as they hunkered down on the lift.

  “You didn’t have to come.” Sammy pulled his hat down to his goggles and tugged the zipper on this coat over his mouth so that only the tip of his nose caught the cold, stinging ice pellets that swirled on the wind.

  “I was only lying around feeling sorry for myself at home,” Campbell admitted. She’d tried to get her mind off Parker’s absence, but she couldn’t let go yet. She should’ve known better than to put herself in this position in the first place. She should’ve seen it coming, and in many ways she had. She’d always suspected that when Parker’s confidence returned she would move on, and still Campbell fell for her. Even knowing what she knew now, however much she hurt, she didn’t feel any regret. She’d tortured herself all night wondering whether she’d take it all back if she could and finally decided she wouldn’t trade the time she’d had with Parker for anything. But was she destined to make the same mistake time and time again?

  After a few minutes of silence, Sammy said, “I know it’s not the same, but I’ll miss her, too.”

  “Thanks, Sam.” Campbell would have never believed after that first staff meeting that Parker would have adapted to life on the mountain as well as she had. She even got along with the majority of her family. She would have made a great addition to the Carson clan if Campbell’s father hadn’t objected. It would have been nice if they could have made peace. She was sure her dad would have grown to like Parker if they had taken the time to see in each other what Campbell saw in each of them. Campbell cursed herself for dwelling on what could have been. It wasn’t going to happen.

  “It’s not too late to ask her to stay,” Sammy said so quietly that she could barely hear him over the wind.

  “I won’t do it, Sam,” Campbell snapped. “If she wanted to stay, she would have chosen to.”

  “Sorry.” Sammy shook his head. “I’m trying to help. There should be a better compromise, you know?”

  It wasn’t as though that thought hadn’t crossed Campbell’s mind, but it was just wishful thinking. You couldn’t be both a power lesbian and a happy homemaker.

  They reached the top of the lift and immediately headed for the drop-off. Because of the steep slope, narrow sections, and sharp turns, the trail would most likely be a problem on a day like this. They stopped at the edge of the trail as if asking which one of them would go first.

  “Why not?” Campbell shrugged. “Can’t be any rougher than what I’m already going through.” She tipped her
skis over the edge and angled across the slope. The sound of her metal edges scratching their way down a solid sheet of ice made her shiver. This slope would have to be closed for at least part of the day. She wished once again that she was back home safe and warm, snuggled in bed with Parker. Her chest seized up at the thought that she’d probably never do that again, and she immediately segued into anger that she’d been on the losing end of a choice between work and family again.

  She wasn’t completely certain what happened next, but as she made the turn around the last bend in the trail, her skis caught an edge and she was on the ground before she realized she was falling. The ice was unforgiving as her shoulder hit first, then her head. The fall knocked the wind from her, and she slid farther down the slope. She gasped for air, and when she finally stopped, something in her seemed to have snapped, and not in the physical sense.

  Sammy was next to her in an instant. “Cam, are you hurt?”

  “Yes, I’m hurt,” Campbell said through gritted teeth.

  “Where?” He pulled off his scarf and goggles and stared at her.

  “Everywhere.”

  “Okay, I’ll go get help. Stay where you are.”

  “I’m tired of staying where I am, Sam.” Campbell sat up. “That’s what got me in this mess in the first place, and it’ll keep getting me in messes like this.”

  Sammy looked at her like the blow to her head had made her talk nonsense.

  “I’m sick of coming in second, Sammy. Why am I lying here cold and hurt and alone? All I want is to live the life I want with the woman I love.” Campbell stood shakily and clicked back into her skis. “I think I deserve that much.”

  “Did you say you love her?”

  Campbell didn’t even hesitate. “Yes, I love her. I’m in love with her,” she repeated, letting the full impact of her words sink in. “Holy shit, Sam. I’m in love with Parker, and I didn’t even fight for her. I told her to leave.”