by Heather Lyn
I rush into the hospital and head up to the emergency department. They redirect me to where Dad is and I take off for his room. When I reach his room I don’t even bother knocking, just burst into the room. And I’m immediately overcome with grief. Dad is lying in the hospital bed, looking so frail and weak I almost can’t believe it’s my father. Mom has swollen, bloodshot eyes and even Landon looks like he’s been crying. A sob breaks from my chest as I walk over to the bed. Landon stands and comes over, wrapping his arms around me tightly. I bury my face in his chest and start to cry, wishing this weren’t happening.
“It’s gonna be okay, honey. We’ll get through this.” Landon is whispering to me, but nothing is registering. I pull away from him and sit in the chair next to the bed. Grabbing my dad’s hand, I lean my head onto the bed.
“I love you, Daddy,” I whisper. Mom tells me that he’s asleep from all the pain meds they gave him. I can hear my phone still ringing from my purse, so I grab it and switch it to silent, noticing the numerous missed calls from Kenni. I’m not ready to talk to her.
“What happened, Mom? It’s too soon.”
“I don’t know, sweetheart. He hasn’t been feeling well, and this morning he was having trouble talking, kept slurring his words. He had such a bad headache he could barely open his eyes without being in agony. They told us that as the tumor grew it would get worse. I just don’t know what to do.”
Mom dissolves into tears, so I leave my chair and sit next to her, wrapping an arm around her. I lean my head on her shoulder and just cry. It feels like my heart is splitting in two.
***
A couple hours later, Mom sends Landon and me down to the cafeteria to take a break; I could use a cup of coffee, and I still haven’t eaten. I check my phone while we wait in line and see it’s after two now. I have numerous missed calls from Kenni, and now there are some from Noah, but I just don’t have the strength to deal with either of them. I decide to send Kenni a quick text so she doesn’t worry about me.
Aubrey: Dad’s in the hospital. This is it, Kenni. Waiting on his oncologist still. Call you when I know what’s going on. I love you.
I put my phone on silent and slip it back into my purse before grabbing a tray and put a sandwich on it. I fill a paper cup with coffee and bring it back to the table. We eat in silence, finishing as quickly as we can. When we head back up to Dad’s room, he’s still asleep with Mom sitting next to the bed, just staring into space. She looks up and smiles when she hears us come in.
“His doctor should be here soon. The nurse came in and let us know he’s on his way, that he just has to finish up with another patient.”
Nodding, I sit next to her and take a hold of her hand. Landon just paces back and forth by the window.
We’ve only been back in the room for a few minutes when there’s a knock on the door. I sit up straight, expecting his doctor to come in, but it’s Noah. Aubrey must have called him. He walks over to me and places a kiss to my temple, then leans down to give Mom a kiss on the cheek. I hear him whisper how sorry he is, and I feel the tears well up in my eyes. He gives Landon a quick hug and then comes back to me.
“Aubrey, can I talk to you really quick?” He nods towards the hallway.
Wordlessly, I stand up and follow him. Once the door is closed, I stare at him. I can see the pain in his eyes and he leans forwards, cupping my face in his hands as he presses a quick kiss to my forehead.
“Jesus, baby. I’m so damn sorry. I can’t believe this is already happening.”
He’s right. This is happening fast. And suddenly, I’m angry. I’m angry with myself for spending all of my time with him and away from my dad. I promised myself I wouldn’t get distracted and I did. I can’t blame Noah for that—I’m a big girl and knew what I was doing—but I can’t help it. I’m so fucking mad.
“Don’t worry about it, Noah. It’s not your problem. I gotta get back.” I spin around to go back inside the room when he grabs my arm and turns me to him.
“Aubrey, I know this is hard, but please don’t push me away.”
“You know this is hard? How could you possibly know that? Your parents are alive. They aren’t dying. How the fuck could you know how I feel?” My voice is rising, but it feels good to yell.
“This is all your fault, Noah! I told you I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I told you I had too much going on. But did that matter to you? No! Of course it didn’t. Precious Noah wanted in my pants, so he made sure that happened!” I’m being such a bitch and I don’t care. I can see the tears in Noah’s eyes and I know I’m hurting him, this sweet and sensitive man I’m desperately in love with.
“Baby, please. Just let me hold you. I’m so sorry. I..—” His voice cracks with emotion as he reaches out, trying to take me into his arms. I push him back, not wanting him.
“He needed me and you took up all my time! We should’ve never happened!” I can’t stop the words from coming out. My father is dying and I need someone to blame. This can’t be something that happens just because.
“Aubrey. God, baby, please.” The tears have started falling down his cheeks, and I’m sure a large part is because of my father. Noah and my dad have gotten close and I know he loves him. It’s killing us all. I hate that I’m hurting him, but I deserve to be punished for leaving my father alone.
“Just leave! I never asked you to come here. I don’t want you anymore! I don’t want you here. We’re over Noah. This is over!” I open the door to my father’s room and take a quick glance over my shoulder. Noah’s fingers are laced together, resting behind his head as he looks down at the floor. I’ve just broken him, but I don’t care. I ignored my dad when he needed me most; I don’t deserve to be happy.
Closing the door behind me, I can instantly tell that my mom and brother heard our whole conversation. Landon comes over to me and pulls me into his arms.
“It’s going to be okay, Aubrey. I promise you.” I bury my head in my big brother’s chest and cry, both for the coming loss of my father and for breaking the heart of the most amazing man I have ever met.
***
About forty-five minutes later, Dad’s oncologist finally comes by. Dad woke up only a few minutes ago and he’s still really out of it. The doctor closes the door behind him when he comes in and takes a seat on the stool next to the bathroom door. He’s only in the room for about ten minutes, but it’s enough to leave a crushing blow.
Dad doesn’t have much longer. It could be a few days; it could be a few hours. The tumor in his brain has grown so much that it’s cutting off the blood flow. They could perform surgery to try and lessen the pressure, but Dad refuses. The doctor gives us his sympathies, and then leaves the room. I’m sitting next to Landon, completely numb. I can’t cry; the tears just won’t come. Mom is leaning over Dad sobbing, and I can see him trying to comfort her. Landon has his jaw clenched, tears in his eyes. I lean my head against his shoulder and close my eyes. Please, God, we need a miracle here.
Dad ends up falling asleep shortly after. I text Kenni to give her an update and she tells me that she’s with Grayson and they’re coming here. I try to refuse, but I know my best friend. For a brief second, I think about calling Noah, but I don’t. I made my decision—he’s gone.
I put my cell away and lean back in the chair, tipping my head back and closing my eyes, hoping to get a little shut-eye. I’m not leaving this room for anything, so I may as well get some rest.
The next couple of hours are tough. Dad hardly wakes up and when he does, he’s in so much pain that he needs meds which almost instantly knock him out again. It’s exhausting watching him go through this. My father, who was once 6’1” and over two hundred pounds, now looks like a frail old man. He has lost at least thirty to forty pounds since his diagnosis, and he seems so little lying in that hospital bed. I hate it so much.
I sit there just watching him when my phone goes off with a text from Kenni.
Kennedy: Hey, you. We just got here. Down in the waiting room.
They wouldn’t give us any info, but we’re here. Is Noah there with you? Gray couldn’t get in touch with him.
Aubrey: Thanks, Kenni. No, he’s not. I broke up with him.
I have to bite my bottom lip to keep from crying. I know it was wrong to blame Noah, but it just hurts so much. I feel like I let my dad down.
Kennedy: What the hell, Aubrey? Why? He’s such an amazing guy!
Aubrey: I don’t want to get into it. He was too much of a distraction. He came earlier and I sent him away. He probably hates me now, so it’s for the best.
I put my phone away and look up to see that Dad is awake.
“Daddy! You’re awake! How do you feel?” I sit on the bed next to him, taking his hand in mine and grasping it tightly. He reaches up to remove the oxygen mask he’s had on since he arrived.
“I’m okay, baby girl. Where are Mom and Landon?”
“They went to get some food and coffee. They should be back soon. Do you need me to get them? I can call Mom.”
He shakes his head. “No, I actually want to talk with you before they get back.” He sits up a little bit and fixes his pillows. I lean forward to help him, and then settle on the bed with him once more.
“What’s up, Dad?”
“I just wanted to spend a minute with you. I heard you when you ended things with Noah, and I want you to reconsider. I know this situation has been hard, and I know you, sweetheart. You’re loyal to your family, but here’s the thing you’re forgetting. Noah is family too. That boy is so in love with you I’m not sure he even understands how much. And I know you love him too. You guys look at each other the way your mother and I do.”
I brush a few tears off my cheeks and squeeze his hand before shaking my head.
“Noah is amazing, Dad, but he distracted me. I should’ve been spending all my time with you. You needed me and I blew it. Now it’s too late, and I can’t ever make up for that. I shouldn’t have been so selfish. I am so sorry.” The tears are coming in earnest now.
“No, Aubrey. I’m glad you met him. It’s been wonderful to see you two kids together. And you haven’t let me down at all. I am so damn proud of you, honey. My greatest accomplishment in life was having you and Landon. You have both been the best things to ever happen to me. You guys couldn’t have a bigger fan than me. I love you so much, baby girl. Life is way too short. God knows I figured that out. Don’t forget to enjoy every day you’re given. While I accept I won’t be getting any more time, I am sorry to be leaving you all. But I’ve had a beautiful life, and that’s all I want for you, sweetheart.”
I can’t help the cries coming out of me, so I lean down and lie with my father. His arm comes around my shoulder as he cradles me to him, placing kisses to the top of my head.
“Make sure you love fiercely, baby. Make sure you tell Noah every day just how much you love him. Cherish each other. And never forget how much I love you.”
“I love you too, Daddy. Thank you for being the most incredible father I could ever ask for. I’m so grateful for you every day.”
He pulls me closer and I hold on, never wanting to let go.
Landon and Mom come back to the room a few minutes later. I have since stopped crying and am sitting back in the chair. Dad fell asleep while I was lying with him and deep down, I know those are going to be some of the last words he ever says to me. And I cherish them.
Landon sits next to me and Mom rests on the edge of the bed, holding Dad’s hand in both of hers. She places a kiss to his palm and then holds it to her cheek. It’s painful to watch, but also beautiful to see the love she has for him. I think it’s how I feel about Noah. I’m starting to regret what I did, but I can’t take it back. I know Dad was adamant that I patch things up with him, but I know how much I hurt him. He won’t ever forgive me for that, and I don’t blame him.
We’re all sitting vigil at his bedside through the night, just taking comfort in each other. I end up falling asleep with my head on Landon’s shoulder. I’m awoken several hours later to a loud steady beep. I open my eyes and see that steady line on the monitor, tears forming as I realize what’s happening. Mom breaks down and leans her head on Dad’s chest, crying loudly.
A nurse comes rushing in and places her stethoscope to Dad’s chest and then his neck. She looks up with a sad expression. “I’m so sorry.” She shuts off the heart monitor and walks out of the room, giving us some privacy.
Only fifteen hours after coming to the hospital, my father is gone.
Mom is completely inconsolable, and Landon looks unashamed of the tears falling down his cheeks. But I can’t cry. I felt the tears starting earlier, but they’re gone. I know it’s probably the shock, but I’m finding it too hard to believe.
My father is dead. Why can’t I cry?
I stand up and go to my mom, wrapping my arms around her. “I’m so sorry, Momma.” I know he was my father, but my mom just lost her partner of almost thirty years. I can’t even imagine what that feels like.
Landon comes over and hugs us. I can feel his chest shaking and I know he’s crying hard. And then finally, in the comfort of my mother’s and brother’s arms, my tears come. I let go of them and lean over to place a kiss to my father’s cheek.
“No more pain, Daddy. I love you so much. I hope it’s beautiful up there.”
I stand up straight and turn back into my brother’s arms. I tuck my face into his neck and cling to him. Landon’s hugging me so hard I’m afraid he might squeeze the air out of my lungs, but instead of complaining I hold him just as tight. He has his other arm around Mom, who still has a grip on one of Dad’s hands. Together, we mourn the most incredible human being this Earth has ever had. My father has been taken from us way too soon, but we’re all glad he’s no longer suffering. It just hurts to know he never got the chance to fight.
***
They came up and took Dad away to the morgue an hour ago. Landon and I wait around to help with the paperwork; once we’re all set, we grab the few belongings Dad had with him and place them in a bag to give Mom. Before they took him, she removed his wedding band and is now wearing it on her right hand. Landon helps Mom into the hallway. He’s taking her home, where he’ll stay with her.
Once they’re gone, I walk into the waiting room and see Kenni sitting with Grayson in the corner. She has her Kindle in her lap, and he’s on his phone typing what looks like a text message. They look up when they hear me come in and Kenni immediately jumps up. When she takes in my expression, I can tell she knows what happened. She immediately bursts into tears and comes to throw her arms around me. I hug her back, fight tears of my own.
“Oh, Aubrey, no! Oh, Jesus. I’m so fucking sorry!” She holds me tighter and rocks me gently, then lets go of me. She wipes the tears off her cheeks and gives me a sad smile.
“I’m okay. Thank you guys for being here. It means a lot.”
Grayson leans down and gives me a warm hug, whispering how sorry he is. Seeing him is hard because he makes me miss Noah. I didn’t realize how much I would need him.
Kenni grabs my hands. “Can we do anything for you? What do you need?”
“I really just need to go home. I need to be alone. We’re gonna have to start making arrangements tomorrow, but for now I just need my bed. And maybe a couple bottles of vodka.” I give her a weak smile, trying to make light of the situation.
“Yeah, of course. I’m gonna go home with Grayson, but if you need anything you let me know, okay? I’ll come over tomorrow and help you with whatever you need.”
I give them both another hug and head out to the parking garage. I’m keeping the tears at bay until I get home and then I’m gonna let myself fall apart. As I round the corner and come to my apartment, I stop dead in my tracks. Noah is sitting outside the door, his arms resting on his knees with his head down.
Tears burn my eyes. He’s here.
He looks up when he hears my footsteps and immediately jumps to his feet. His eyes are sad and I can see how watery they are. I can’t help t
he sob that breaks free from my chest when I run to him and throw my arms around his neck. He doesn’t hesitate to pull me into his arms, holding me tighter than he ever has before. He presses a kiss to my forehead and let’s his lips linger there.
“Oh, baby. I’m so fucking sorry. So sorry. It’s gonna be okay. I’m here, baby. I got you.”
I cling to him and sob loudly into his neck. He presses a kiss to my head as I finally let go of everything. All the pain of the last couple months. Everything I put him through. I cry for my dad. I cry for my mom and brother. And I cry for myself, and the loss of my father.
How are we going to get through this?
CHAPTER 20
NOAH
I was completely floored when Grayson called me from the hospital to tell me Mike had passed away. I had sent him a text after I left to let him know what had happened. I knew when Aubrey lashed out at me that she didn’t really mean what she was saying; she was hurting and needed an outlet. I can’t say it didn’t hurt me in the process, because it did. She ripped my fucking heart out, but I knew my pain was nothing compared to hers. It was only when Grayson made me realize that it was just her grief that I couldn’t let her push me away. So when he told me that he and Kennedy were going over to the hospital, I made sure to have him keep me in the loop. I just didn’t expect to get the bad news so quickly.
Standing here in the hallway of her apartment building, I’m having a hard time keeping my emotions in check. The front of my shirt is completely soaked from her tears. Bending down, I scoop her into my arms, take the keys from her hand, and open her front door. I close and lock it behind me then carry her into her bedroom. She’s still crying loudly, her entire body shaking with the force of her sobs. I lay her down on the bed and go over to her bureau, grabbing one of my shirts that she’s kept and bringing it to her. I quickly help her undress and get into the shirt before shucking my shoes and jeans, leaving my shirt on. I climb into bed next to her and pull her to me tightly. She buries her face in my shirt and continues to cry.