Mimi

by Lucy Ellmann

  Antony Hegarty

  [S]ooner or later… we will use up energy supplies, minerals and resources. Current green thinking will just delay the inevitable. Getting off the earth is the only way to make us truly sustainable. Our heavy industries could be moved to the moon, or just put into orbit…

  Letter to the paper

  Technical in the social situation, sociable in the technical situation? That’s the hallmark of a nerd.

  Charlie Brooker

  WAR:

  Politicians who took us to war should have been given the guns and told to settle their differences themselves, instead of organising nothing better than legalised mass murder.

  The Last Fighting Tommy, by Harry Patch

  This memorial commemorates the 48,000 members of the Commonwealth who died in the campaign in Italy which commenced in June 1943. All these battles were fought at great cost and the total casualties, killed, wounded and missing were 300,000. There are 50 Commonwealth cemeteries in Italy. We of the Italy Star Association do not forget our gallant American, French and Polish comrades, who with other nationalities… fought and died alongside us.

  WHEN YOU WALK

  THROUGH PEACEFUL

  LANES SO GREEN

  REMEMBER US AND

  THINK WHAT MIGHT

  HAVE BEEN

  WE DO REMEMBER THEM

  Memorial in the Westgate Gardens, Canterbury, Kent

  ITEMS FROM THE NEWS:

  A single scream, a brutal end: police work to uncover murdered woman’s secret fears

  DNA match leads to life sentence for man who raped and strangled girl 26 years ago

  Boy, 14, in court over murder of schoolgirl

  Gunman shoots girlfriend, then kills four more, in Helsinki attack

  Ex-employee arrested for Orlando office shooting

  Mother and daughter found murdered

  Twelve children die in rampage by gunman

  Stalker who killed woman with bolt gun is jailed

  Man arrested over woman’s murder 14 years after her death

  Body of 11-year-old girl found after kidnapping

  Killer who murdered woman dog-walker was in “bad mood”

  11 bodies and counting… angry families in Cleveland ask why police ignored their pleas

  Dad is guilty of daughter stab murder

  Plea to killer to reveal where he hid woman’s body

  8 years for drunk driver who killed two women

  Man murdered partner after argument about Facebook

  Girl murdered by her father had hoped to be a doctor

  Newlywed admits oar attack

  Driver who killed six at Dutch Queen’s parade had lost his home in the recession

  Husband arrested after car bomb killing

  Man crashes plane into US tax office after angry online rant

  Millionaire facing ruin shot wife and daughter then killed himself

  Yorkshire Ripper asks for limit on sentence

  Children filmed before murders: father arrested

  Anguish over murder girl

  Jilted men behind spate of killings in Italy

  Killer of widow gets life

  Father who killed son in hotel plunge is cleared by Greek court

  Student sportsman accused after ex-girlfriend found dead

  Life for killer who battered grandmother to death

  Post Office killing—husband arrested

  Freed mental patient killed woman in random attack

  Father who kicked and punched baby to death gets life

  Jilted schoolboy jailed for killing two girls in house fire

  “I’m the crossbow cannibal,” oddball PhD student tells court

  Horror house of death for mother and baby: police name man who killed them

  Man linked to missing girl and murder victim

  Chef who hid wife’s body in trash found guilty of murder

  Man in family killing had been arrested over death threats

  Ex-boyfriend held after nurse is stabbed to death

  “They want it really”—review of police attitudes to rape

  Decades of police blunders in murder case: killer could have been stopped

  Four killed in China care home attack

  Campaign for mother facing death by stoning

  Bouncer accused of shooting three people told police, “You aren’t taking me seriously”

  Bodies of sisters lay by mother: family deep in debt: father killed wife and girls and then himself

  New Orleans shooting spree—officers charged

  Driver shoots 8 dead after being fired

  Murder victim had reported her ex-husband to the police four times

  Husband killed wife 5 months after wedding

  Man kills seven in Bratislava shooting spree

  Husband is jailed for ordering machete murder

  Murder case jury sees video of attack on baby

  Teenager in court over rape of woman found dead

  “How could they dump our daughter like trash by the side of the road?”

  Youngest Tucson victim laid to rest

  Jail for man who strangled wife in front of sons

  Officers “too busy” to visit murder scene

  Father faces life for murder of daughter, 5

  Murders of partners by men rise steeply

  Carpenter convicted of gruesome canal murders as police warn of more victims

  Family grief over girl whipped to death

  Women left widowed by violence

  Secret video shows US air crew gunning down Iraqi citizens

  Five campaigners for female MP killed in run-up to Afghan polls

  Teenager raped five-year-old after being spared jail term

  Man pleads guilt for locking nurse in trunk of his car for 10 days

  Teenager who attacked woman with bleach gets detention

  Football star jailed for sex assault

  Pedophile ringleaders get jail for appalling attacks

  Teenager remanded over schoolgirl rape on video

  Hanged girl bullied for being “too pretty”

  Family’s fury after daughter murdered by ex-partner who had repeatedly raped her

  US death rate for women giving birth declared “scandalous” by Amnesty

  Father allowed to rape daughters for 33 years

  Fashion under fire as leading photographer is accused of sexually exploiting models

  Police officers jailed for being cruel to woman in custody

  Landmark US ruling to grant asylum to victims of severe domestic abuse

  Stepfather guilty of raping two-year-old girl

  School attack motive was “hatred of humanity”

  Earthquakes blamed on “immodest” women

  Sisters sprayed with acid by men on motorbike

  Women’s hearts at risk from stress, study shows

  Actor advises fan to “cut” ex-girlfriend

  BP Deepwater slick now worst oil disaster in US history

  Ordeal of Austrian cellar girl to be filmed

  Female circumcision continues worldwide

  Police hunt after rapist escapes from courtroom

  Woman jailed for not testifying against rapist husband

  Increases in eating disorders in women over thirty

  Reluctance of women to ask for salary increases

  Single mother and child, stabbed by ex—child died later

  Drama in court as felon shoots woman judge

  Woman accused of having “rebellious streak” ate at McDonald’s

  Speeding police car kills girl, 16

  Man battered twin babies to death: “They cried like sheep.”

  Woman shot in the head for an affair

  Man who killed wife and daughter then hanged himself had financial problems

  Mel Gibson investigated for domestic violence against former partner

  Police officer raped vulnerable women

  Man who killed wife with hammer claims “momentary aberration�
�

  Woman spent eighteen years in captivity

  Jimmy Carter severs ties with Southern Baptist Convention over misogyny

  Police find more bodies in search for serial killer stalking Long Island

  TV sets girls up for lifetime of objectification

  The gender pay gap starts with allowances: parents give girls less cash to spend than boys

  Aung San Suu Kyi praised more for beauty than her politics

  Police hunt father as bodies discovered in garden

  “I feel buried alive,” says woman blinded by partner

  Female crickets select which sperm fertilizes eggs

  MANIFESTO OF THE ODALISQUE REVOLUTION

  Manifesto

  by

  Harrison Hanafan

  Cover illustration: Reclining Odalisque, by Henri Matisse, 1923. Museum of Modern Art, New York, © Succession H. Matisse / DACS 2012.

  Table of Contents

  1. VIRTUE AND CHEWING GUM i

  2. ALL MEN ARE TERRORISTS vii

  3. FREE THE ODALISQUES! xi

  4. WE’LL ALL HAVE CHICKEN AND DUMPLINGS WHEN SHE COMES xiv

  5. THE STATUE OF LIBERTY IS A WOMAN xvi

  6. INSTRUCTIONS TO MEN OF FEELING xxi

  1. VIRTUE AND CHEWING GUM

  My first rejection of a woman came at birth, when, in a tsunami of bodily fluids, my own and hers, I slid through my mother’s brutal confines, folds, and egress. Malehood had begun, and with it, my right to everything in the world:

  Apocalypse, assassination, apathy, arson, type A personalities, Asperger’s, Adonis, Attila the Hun, athlete’s foot, architecture, the Army, the Air Force, the air itself, the alphabet, almanacs, Woody Allen, Aristotle, and the atom bomb.

  Bach, Beethoven, Berlioz, boners, barbecues, Bluegrass, business, brothels, bills, bachelor pads, the Boston Strangler, baseball, belching, bestiality, and bubblegum.

  Capitalism, computers, confusion, Confucius, currency markets, castration complexes, cars, cheeseburgers, child custody conflicts, charisma, cuckoldry, catastrophe, and the cosmos.

  Decisions, diplomas, discord, debate, disapproval, Dickens, Dohnányi, daggers, debt, deception, Dietrich Fischer-Dieskau, duty, deities, duels, dairymaids, drones, and dynamite.

  Employment, eminence, edifices, enterprises, euphoniums, Einstein, ethics, entropy, extinctions, economics, equipment, enlistment, executions, education, excellence, and exactitude.

  Feasts, fellowship, fraternities, Freud, fraud, firsts, fisticuffs, flatulence, fury, fireworks, flashing, fumbling with your fly, fatherhood, fame, force, fortunes, folly, fantasy, and the future.

  Guns, guts, gals, gum, games, god, gall, gallantry, governments, granite, glockenspiels, the Gettysburg Address, gambling, global warming, gynecology, Gershwin, Guantánamo, geometry, Genesis, Giotto, and genocide.

  Horror, homicide, heroism, Hitler, harlotry, hostility, hiking, ham sandwiches, hard-ons, hound-dogs, hangovers, hunting, Hemingway, Hollywood, highways, hypochondria, hors d’oeuvres, and heraldry.

  Irritation, impotence, the internet, the Ivy League, the Industrial Revolution, ice cubes, ice hockey, institutions, the Infantry, importance, and irresponsibility.

  Jesus, jism, Joyce, jail, jests, jealousy, jerking off, Jung, juntas, jalapeños, Jekyll and Hyde, Andrew Jackson, joyriding, jostling for position, jurisprudence, jilting, and self-justification.

  Knowledge, know-how, knives, knots, knuckle-dusters, knighthoods, kinky stuff, go-karts, kites, karate, kick-boxing, Kennedy, Buster Keaton, Keats, King Kong, Kierkegaard, and killing.

  Law, land, language, life, liberty, liquid lunches, license, luxury, lounge lizardry, logic, laurels, Lancelot, Lolita, learning, leering, Leonardo, Tom Lehrer, and getting laid.

  Might, merit, muscles, medals, marching, manliness, appliance manuals, mystery, Marilyn Monroe, Melville, Machiavelli, metallurgy, machines, mountaineering, mischief, monuments, masterpieces, Molotov cocktails, museums, myths, monsters, mothers, mistresses, megalomaniacs, and the Marx Brothers.

  Napalm, nations, nightclubs, nightcaps, naughty nurses, nautical talk, nuclear energy, Napoleon, Nabokov, necrophilia, neuroses, thick necks, nonsense, nerdism, and noise.

  Oil, ore, onanism, 007, obedience, obligations, opinions, objections, sex objects, oysters, oligarchies, obfuscation, ophthalmology, Old Boy networks, offices, obituaries, and obliteration.

  Power, pride, purpose, planets, pricks, prizes, prestige, priapism, pussy, profanity, polygamy, pedagogy, Proust, Puccini, Picasso, pianos, propofol, pulpits, parades, processions, possessions, Playboy, the police, policies, police policies, pedantry, pickup trucks, particle physics, poetry, and pointlessness.

  Quotations, quotas, quips, quagmires, quandaries, quarterlies, Quasimodo, quarrels, quizzes, quests, string quartets, quarks, and quirks.

  Rape, rights, reason, respect, revenge, rules, regulations, Claude Rains, rhetoric, rockets, rifles, razor blades, rumpus rooms, anything risqué, rodeos, rascals, rain checks, ridicule, retaliation, Reagan, rudeness, recollections in tranquility, riots, and radiation.

  Superman, Stalin, spunk, smart bombs, sports, statistics, statues, squish mittens, solemnity, stilettos, the Stock Exchange, sadomasochism, soppiness, sloppiness, spy stuff, the space race, science, systems, soapboxes, strategies, satellites, stalagmites, stalactites, success, supremacy, snoring, simultaneous orgasms, and steak.

  Terror, torture, trumpet fanfares, tyranny, technology, travel, transvestites, travesties, tragedies, Tolstoy, thrusting, threesomes, theology, The Thinker, tomes, toys, the telephone, and tinkering in the basement.

  Unlimited mileage, uniforms, the universe, ugliness, underlings, untidiness, unctuousness, Übermenschen, underdogs, untold wealth, understanding, uselessness, and uxoriousness.

  Vice, virtue, value, VD, vistas, visas, vivas, the vote, verandas, vacations, vessels, valet parking, vapor trails, ventriloquy, Vivaldi, Verdi, Valentino, violin virtuosi, vanity, veneration, vacillation, vixens, victims, vas deferens, and VROOM-VROOM.

  War, the world, world wars, wine, women, witches, wealth, worth, winking, wanking, whaling, whittling, whistling, wrestling, weightlifting, wrong, Westerns, Whoppers, Fats Waller, wheat, Webster’s dictionary, whips, work ethic, arrest warrants, whoring, Walt Whitman, Walt Disney, and free will.

  X-rays, ex-girlfriends, exoneration, Xerox machines, Malcolm X, X chromosomes, and xylophones.

  Yawning, yearning, yodeling, Yeats, yachts, yawls, Yes men, yens, Ysaÿe, yuck, yellow fever, the Yellow Pages, and yo-yos.

  Zippers, zithers, Zen, zirconium oxide, zoning out, zoos, zoom lenses, zucchini and zoot suits.

  And I, a trusting little baby!

  All my life I have been fed by women, loved by women. They have offered gifts, attention, sincerity—and in return I have ignored, pitied, and patronized them, avoided and forgotten them. I have rejected, neglected, denied, and deprived women. I have lied to them (lied to myself most of all!). I have used women for sex, and recoiled from their corresponding demands on me, which I saw as infringements of my liberty. I have dumped girlfriends without regret, showing no concern whatsoever for their future welfare—not even making sure they got home safely!

  And yet, I’ve always thought of myself as A PRETTY GOOD GUY.

  Falling for the notion that you must at all costs Keep The Supremacy, I perfected the ancient habits of malehood: the ability not to listen to women or understand them; the custom of mocking them; the indifference to their problems; and the assumption that women are here to do the shit jobs, and to serve us. Almost unconsciously (I have been almost unconscious all my life), I grew to inhabit a position of unspoken authority and superiority over women. And all this, while trying to be “fair” to them.

  In my professional life, I have milked my patients’ insecurities, encouraging women to focus negatively on their appearance, and misled others into undue preoccupation with “beauty.” I have allowed my patients to embark on painful, expensive, and sometimes life-threatening procedures in order,
supposedly, to improve their looks. And I have profited financially from this. I made a living out of preop and postop female distress and discontent. Just by participating in the beauty industry, I have pressured women from afar. What women need is less scrutiny of how they look, not more nose-jobs.

  I’ve contributed to female tensions and difficulties in my personal life too. Yet, until my own sister was killed by misogyny, I was convinced there was nothing wrong with our society that couldn’t be cured or at least ameliorated by a more socialist democracy, redistribution of wealth through tax cuts for the poor, free health care for all, better laws to protect the environment, universal contraception, and stringent birth control.

  Thus, I was a typical American man-child, barely able to wipe my own ass; and behaved as if I was wholly innocent of, rather than wholly complicit in, the violent and degenerate acts of a sexist society.

  All my life, there has been a war conducted against women. All my life, I have inadvertently conspired in this war. I admired my arse of an arsonist dad over my splendid, loyal, resourceful, and kindly mama. I felt embarrassed by my sister, merely because she was female, while I condoned and participated in the sexual antics of my friends, merely because they were male.

  All my life I have been a witness to a war against women and did nothing about it. This war takes many forms, from direct action like rape, wife-beating and strangling, to the more subtle kinds of attack: plastic surgery, discrimination at work, and a constant barrage of misogynist jibes. All of these tactics are direct and indirect assaults on women, in an ongoing terrorist offensive.

  2. ALL MEN ARE TERRORISTS

  I am a terrorist. ALL MEN ARE TERRORISTS. The world is run by and for terrorists, in a perpetual atmosphere of male coercion of women through psychological and physical means. It is largely a guerrilla fight, with occasional public skirmishes. Men don’t fight out in the open—we fight dirty.

  The terror and damage inflicted on women by male violence and misogynistic injustice are incalculable. THEY AREN’T SAFE. No woman is safe. The enemy is all around her: in the bedroom, in the boardroom, and on the boob tube. Exultation in terror is reflected in the male propaganda war, a diet of horror movies, thrillers, and crime novels, rap music, porn, and the nonchalant attitude to crimes against women displayed by the news media. These terrorist tactics leave women tainted with disdain, ridicule, and despair; and their doom-ridden position in society is enforced and regularly renewed through physical violence.