The Letters of Sylvia Plath Volume 1
Page 48
but in spite of mud and cold and wind there are certain purple and yellow sprouts of vegetation springing up which might be called crocuses! and since i am a pagan sunworshiper who delights in turning all shades of brown come summer, i feel that once again there is something to live for.
spring vacation, too, starts this week. seems impossible that it’s actually upon me – i’ve been counting the days for so long now! i will probably sleep away the first week.
at any rate, i have the usual overwhelming number of vacation plans . . . which includes writing several short stories and collecting more rejection slips . . .
my volunteer job of teaching “art” to a group of young devils on monday afternoons proves somewhat wearing (they get more paint on me than on the paper!) but quite fun. (I’ve become an expert in giving “piggybacks,” too.)
as for the academic side of life, I’ve at last decided definitely to major in english. there are so many courses I want to crowd into the next two years that I really think I’ll have to get a fellowship to graduate school at this rate – I wanted also to major in art, philosophy, psychology, sociology – and Russian (!) lit. But no. Choices are the cry these days. I do hate limiting myself, though – learning more about less and less.
maintenant – I have a proposition for you to ponder over. Suddenly conscience-stricken, a week or so ago, I realized that I had said “nay” thrice to kind invitations to trek Princeton-ward. (The boy must think I have a phobia or mental block, I say to myself. Not so. NOT SO.) Thereupon, I decide I can’t bear not to see the dashing Georgian in his native habitat before he is lost to us forever. So I will therefore set before him all my free weekends to choose from, if he wants to commit himself and he can pick one that’s most convenient? Logical?
Do please understand that I can thrive on “off-” weekend as well as on gala ones . . . liking walking, talking, etc. – (and money isn’t needed for such placid pursuits . . . ) So, me love, if thou wouldst care to see me Apr. 5 (sort of soon, I think) or may 3, 10, 17 – just let me know. This is just to convince you that I am not busy every weekend for years in advance.
At any rate, even if you are furious with the girl for her last telegram, do realize that she would have much liked to send the opposite answer – and say hello to her now and then –
so sincerely –
sylvia
p.s. – home address:
26 Elmwood Road Mar 20 to Apr 1
Wellesley, Mass.
TO Ann Davidow-Goodman,
Friday 21 March 1952
ALS with envelope, Smith College
March 21
Davy, me love –
And a happy spring to you, gal! This being my first day of vacation, and me relaxing after the first night of sleep in my own little home, I decide to drop you a line or so in thanks for that wonderful long long letter you wrote me.
Honestly, Annie, I don’t know what to do with you – you’ve grown up beyond me so fast – I can only listen with abject admiration at your philosophizing about love and life. And working in Chi! Gosh, you’re an independent woman! What I want to know is more about the handsome stormy looking guy whose picture I’m sending back (although I hardly can bear to – he’s so dynamic!) Are you going to marry him? If so, how soon? If not, why not? Maybe your family is amazed at your surge of independent individualism – but all I can say is, more power to you!
I can see what you mean about getting attached to the man you “love” even if later on you might not want to be attached to him. How do you feel about Ray in that regard? That’s just why I am so wary with Dick, because I figure that even though we’re mentally & physically magnetically attracted, it’s dangerous for me to get involved, although he would like to, if I would – because I’m not so sure I want to become a victim of my passions yet and have to break up our families or settle down. Yet every time I see him it gets harder and harder. What started out to be an intellectual and casual relationship last winter has flamed up into a situation where we can’t tear ourselves apart, the attraction is so strong. Imagine – last Friday, when I went in to Harvard Medical School to see him for the first time in three weeks we started talking in his room, me sitting on the bed, and he on a chair, and finally he just threw himself down beside me on the bed, pulled the quilt up over us, and we stayed there in each others arms as it got darker and darker outside and the city lights came on. Time blurred, melted warmly. We had been there seven hours when we finally realized that I had to go home – plunged rudely out in the cold world again. If this goes on – I am going to become much more resentful of customs and conventions and may even develop a “To-Hell-with-people attitude.” But then, you know what I mean. Life around here is so hypocritical.
College is still fun – I love my courses – specially creative writing and painting – I always feel guilty when I sit down to write – it’s not work, just play. Did I tell you that I am teaching “art” to kids at the People’s Institute? On every Monday afternoon – grubby, but a change from the ivory tower, any way.
I have applied for a waitressing job down the Cape this summer, but as yet, nothing has come through. I’m also hoping to move into a co-op house as the board & room is jumping $150. Trying to make “ends meet” is a rather risky proposition at times.
This vacation I’m going to be awfully virtuous and set myself a “writing schedule.” I’ve looked forward to this for ages – when I can sit for hours at a stretch at the typewriter and pound away without worrying about other people or homework, or anything. I’ve decided to start trying for the Mademoiselle contest since I flubbed 17 this year and all. Anyhow – I’ll be going back to school rested and caught up for a change – after having cried all Thanksgiving vacation (over Dick’s revelations of his salacious past) and having been in bed for almost a month over Xmas. I even refused an excitingly dangerous invitation to the Princeton Jr. Prom from my dashing Russian inebriate (of N.Y.C.) on the grounds that I might get run down & have another sinus infection. Such maturity! (It almost killed me to say no, but I figured a 2-day fling wasn’t worth a 2-week bedrest!)
Of course I’ll be seeing Dick on weekends, even though he has classes during the week. We’re going to see “Swan Lake”* tomorrow night in Boston – our first ballet! We read Hemingway short stories aloud when we are not otherwise occupied. God! I wish you could meet him. I still wonder if I am too selfish to love him – or if I just think I do because I need him and he needs me – or if I am an incurable polygamist – ah, me!
Anyhow, I persuaded him to come up and live in Northampton for a week during his spring vacation at the end of April. Springtime – I can’t wait!
Life is funny – on the bus going back to school last weekend I sat down beside a boy just like the one Eddie told me I would finally fall in love with. For three solid hours we talked about life, destiny, chance, hypnotism – our childhoods, dreams & future plans. I don’t know when I’ve ever established such a complete “rapport” with anyone. He was 25, tall, lean, blond, blue-eyed – quite lovely. And kind!
Funniest thing – he was getting his Ph.D. in entomology (insects) – which my father taught & wrote books on. He even had heard of daddy! Well, after the bus trip he took me out for coffee & a sandwich & carried my suitcase back to Haven. I almost cried at leaving him – it was all so perfect, only he was going to start work in a few weeks & live in Conn. for a while – and I know I’ll never see him again.
You know, once in a while you have a glimpse of complete happiness with someone you love fully for a brief while – and then it passes, and you are sad, yet afraid somehow that if you ever met again, the perfect illusion would be dispelled and the dream gone. So I remember him, lovingly and sadly. Never again, you know.
Now, honey – write when you have a little time, and in the meantime, remember how much I love you –
Your
Sylvy
TO Hans-Joachim Neupert
Friday 21 March 1952
TLS (photoco
py), Smith College
March 21 . . . the first
day of spring 1952
Dear Hans . . .
I am celebrating the first day of my longed for vacation by writing letters, and you are first on my list. It has been so long now since I have had any free time of my own that I am thrilled at the chance to do the things I want to do at last. I plan to rest a lot and to make up all the sleep I lost during the last hard weeks when I stayed up late every night to study for exams or to write papers or to review lectures for the town newspapers for which I work. Now, at last, I am come home, where my brother is also home from preparatory school, and our little family is together at last.
Although it’s spring by the calendar, it is still cold and muddy outside, and the wind has the knife-sharp edge of winter yet. We even had a big snow-storm the other day, and it was strange to see the daffodil stems sticking up through the blanket of thick snow. But soon it will be warm enough to take my studying out of doors and sit in the sun and get brown while I work . . . a much more healthy was of living than to sit indoors all the time as we have to do in the winter, I assure you. I wish you could see how pretty the campus is in spring, with the leaves greenly reflecting in the lake and the mountains faint and delicately blue in the distance . . . . not mountains really, but big hills. Then life is really lovely and even final exams cannot take away the beauty of it.
It is hard for me to believe that I have only two more years of college after this. As it is now, I would like very much to get some sort of fellowship to study abroad after I graduate for a year. I don’t have any money myself, by my marks are high, and maybe there would be a chance to get a sort of scholarship. Who knows, I might even visit you, if you don’t come to America first, that is.
The country is all excited about the coming elections next fall. Campaigning has been going on all over the place, and Eisenhower seems to be a favorite, although he is a bit handicapped by being abroad and not here to make a personal appeal to the people. The one thing I don’t like in his program is that he favors Universal Military Training. You know what a pacifist I am!
I can imagine that your work is extremely demanding, by I should think you would be pretty proud of going through with it all. Being an electrical engineer is no small undertaking, you know.
You mentioned that you never found out the date of my birthday . . . . I belong to the same month you do . . . being born on October 27, 1932. Somehow I dread being 20 this coming fall . . . it sounds so old, as if I were already gray and grown-up, and I don’t want to get old . . . life seems to be so open and full of choices now. I hate banging doors behind me, you know. Also the idea of settling down. I want to travel so badly . . . I have never been out of the New England States, you know.
At school I do not only study, but I also spend at least one afternoon a week teaching little children how to paint at the Settlement House in the city itself. I also paint decorations for the dances and parties, which is alot of fun. I enjoy living away from home and being independent so much, even if some times tired, or not feeling well, I long for a comforting hand and a motherly or fatherly shoulder to comfort me. But all in all, living in a dormitory is a good experience in growing up.
This summer I am trying to get a job waitressing down on Cape Cod in Massachusetts . . . right on the shore . . . but jobs like that, although they pay well, are scarce and in much demand, so I don’t know how much chance I have. At any rate, I have my fingers crossed, for board and room expenses at college have gone up and I need the money rather badly . . . also I would like very much to be by the ocean where I could swim on my days off.
Well, I have been talking on and on about myself . . . let me hear from you, when you next have time, and good luck in all your work . . .
As always,
Sylvia
TO Aurelia Schober Plath
Thursday 3 April 1952*
ALS (postcard), Indiana University
Thursday
Dear mum –
Seems hardly possible to be back in the old routine – had a lovely ride back on the bus with Pat O’Neil and a nice supper with Marcia & Mrs. B. Today classes were creaky & nothing happened except I got a straight A in the Religion exam I took before vacation – at least my refusal of Princeton paid off that way. I called the girl who worked at the Pines* last year and she said that it was like a family summer settlement – not commercial – with the same people & children coming back year after year. She also said there were about 2 hrs. off both a.m. & p.m. – but jobs like polishing silver. The help have their own private beach nearby & a whole day off (I should hope so.) She said tips were only $10 – $15 a week & that you made only about $300 during the summer. Sounds like a lot of work for not much money – also 6 beds in the dorm – about 20 waitresses to the small place – Gosh, I don’t know. I’ll wait & see. If only one knew in advance how these things were going to work out! I shall write the Southward.* This weekend means work – but its good to be back in a way
XXXX
Sivvy
TO Aurelia Schober Plath
Saturday 5 April 1952
ALS (postcard), Indiana University
April 5
Dear Mum –
Well, I did it – blew $34 for a sweater & skirt. It is something I hope you will like, but I feel I owe it to myself. The sweater is a lovely shortsleeved aqua cashmere that will also go with my gray skirt – and the skirt is a pleated white wool. I tried on mixtures, but felt that although this will have to be cleaned, it is wearable to date & dress occasions all year round – winter, spring, & fall, and can be worn with any color sweater I choose to buy – red, black, brown, green – anything I am going to get shieds for the sweater.* I feel it is better to wait & get something special like this than to get several mediocre things. I now have all of $1 in my checking account let me know when you put money in – do draw from my bank.
XXX
Sivvy
P.S. I wrote Orleans to find details on salad & pastry – just for the heck of it.
P.S. Got the April “17” – am eligible for the next contest due July 30! What luck! Watch my dust!
Please mail me my white hat! and overshoes – maybe you could send them via Dick Saturday p.m.
TO Aurelia Schober Plath
Wednesday 9 April 1952*
ALS (postcard), Indiana University
Wednesday
Dear mum –
As I said, this is an extremely busy week. Irony of ironies – I have a gov. written at 12 next Wed – the day Dick leaves, so I’ll have to be studying off & on most of the time he’s here. Got straight A on that old English exam I took way back when, with a “This is an excellent paper” from the august Elizabeth Drew* herself! So happy I didn’t go to princeton. Last night I sat up to type the 16 page story “Sunday with the Mintons” that I’m sending to Mme just for fun – you would be interested to see the changes – I made it a psychological type thing – wish-fulfillment, etc. – so it wouldn’t be at all far fetched. Tonight I hear Robert Frost, tomorrow, Senator McCarthy. Also wrote two poems this weekend – which I’ll send eventually – “Go Get the Goodly Squab in Gold-lobed Corn . . . ” etc. I plan to sleep before Dick comes. Life is terribly rushed – what with press board, work, & all these lectures – but fun.
XXX
Sivvy
TO Aurelia Schober Plath
Monday 21 April 1952*
ALS (postcard), Indiana University
Monday
Dear mum –
I am in a whirl of mad work – to pay for my lovely unintelligent athletic weekend. 3 weeks of back Religion is no fun – but it’s being spring has compensations. Letter from Pines awaited me here – very nice – I can go to Cape on Monday 16th & start work the 17th. May even possibly have Monday’
s off. I’m not sure. I’m really invited to visit Alison,* and plan to go Thursday, June 5, for at least 4 days – which gives me a good week at home to rest and write in. Press Board is coming along fine – should earn about $10 per month. Saw Miss Drew, my Eng. prof, today and am trying to get my schedule straightened out. I talked to her about how I wanted to go to Breadloaf* in the summer, & she said she thinks I can get a job waitressing up there & audit all the courses I want! So that’s my project for next summer. Where there’s a will there’s a way!
Love you,
Sivvy
TO Aurelia Schober Plath
Sunday 27 April 1952*
ALS (postcard), Indiana University
The-morning-after-the-night-before
Dear mum—
Well, it is Sunday noon, and I am still in pajamas, after having inconsiderately been robbed of an hour’s sleep by Daylight saving. The dance was great last night – and I wore my yellow dress, which looked nice with its two gardenias & yellow ribbons (courtesy of Dick.) Dick left after the dance to drive back with Ken, so I am free to sleep & work today. Tell me about Marcia’s “invitation.” Since she didn’t tell me about it she probably wanted to surprise me or something. I can’t think of any real news except that I bought a bargain outfit in denim – shorts, jersey, skirt & halter all a nice shade of medium blue with white pique edging – the skirt & halter make a sunback dress, & shorts makes a playsuit with halter, a tennis-outfit with jersey – a lot of fun, washable, durable, and only $12 for the whole outfit. Just what I need for the summer! All the Sophs who went to the prom had dinner at Jack Augusts – treating the boys to a lobster dinner. I am at last making out my schedule for next year – its awfully exciting
XXX
Sivvy
TO Aurelia Schober Plath