The Letters of Sylvia Plath Volume 1

by Sylvia Plath

  I think I will write an adolescent story about doubles after I’m through with all this: every incident in my life begins to smack of the mirror image: nancy sitting opposite me in the carrels, wearing also a pink shirt and gray skirt, the two perrys getting mixed up, dick linden* driving you to linden street, lameyer being on la mer, and so forth!

  please know how I like knowing your presence is omnipresent even if not here present, and make me a present of it next saturday if you are pleased to please the present writer who now presents to you with pleasure her everpresent

  L O V E

  YOUR OWN sp

  TO Aurelia Schober Plath

  Tuesday 12 October 1954*

  TLS with envelope on Smith

  College Press Board letterhead,

  Indiana University

  tuesday morning

  dearest mother . . .

  I was extremely happy to get your newsy letter today, and glad to hear you sound so cheerful! I really feel that the girl I got Warren last weekend was exceptional, tall, attractive and intelligent, and I hope he liked her well enough to ask her out again. as for al, I don’t know what he expects . . . I got him a date with a most pretty sophomore in the house, but his personality is somehow sodden . . . I don’t know how to explain it exactly: I like him, but there is something so depressing in just being with him, for I don’t think he has any real “joie de vivre”, or whatever it is that makes someone look alive and vital . . . I felt that the girl was the one to be sorry for and not al! I don’t know if I like the effect he has on warren . . at dinner sunday, when they talked at all, they talked in such low murmurs that I could hardly hear them, and I don’t know how I can get warren to be, as you say, sunny and lively . . . he is so vague and negative too much of the time . . . I wish he knew how to have fun and to make others have fun, because it is depressing to try to liven someone who just doesn’t respond . . . and al, with his grave, expressionless face, was enough to make anyone feel gloomy. I missed a strong sense of competence and initiative in both of them . . . I practically had to tell them step by step what to do and where to go saturday night! but I think kathy liked warren, and hope he realizes how fine a girl she really is.

  naturally this problem concerns me, of warren’s social savoir faire: there is a healthy middle road of partying and moviegoing and group fun which is not superficial, but stimulating and gay, and I wish he would find that life is not either an extreme of hard lonely introverted work or artificial gregarious extroverted binges: he needs to build his ego up by going to many social events, parties, and so on, and growing to feel confident of his attractiveness and competence in any social gathering so that it becomes second nature for him to be gracious and at ease, and then he can afford to cut down on social life, if he really wants to, not out of fear of being gauche, but because he knows he could handle situations if he chose to do so. I do think he should go out for at least one extra-curricular activity that involves group participation . . . he’s not taking that extra course, and should get outside the narrow circle of his roommates, who have been with him from time immemorial. also, he should simply set about learning techniques of social conversation, how and when to manage and direct group talk, and so on . . . I wish he could take public speaking. I know that when I went out for extra-curricular activities in my sophomore and junior years I found to my amazement that I could be elected popularly, and my confidence in myself grew constructively. now I think it is the time for me to concentrate on the hard year ahead, and I do so, although it means sacrificing the hours spent in pleasant frivolity over coffee and bridge . . . but I feel that the work I’m doing now is most important for the last push of my senior year . . . and I know how to have happy gay times when I really want to.

  I am really concerned about warren, and wish you could look at him objectively from your nearer viewpoint and perhaps analyse the gaps in his social life and advise him about them. I wish I could help, because I feel that what he needs is chiefly practice in how to entertain others (and himself) and assert himself articulately and with firmness. I practically have to prod him to get him to say what he would like to do, and question him specifically to get him to say how or what he feels. perhaps some respected doctor or social advisor who is close enough to see behind the honorable facade of warren’s work and outward conduct could point out more specific and constructive ways to develop in warren an articulate, active and participating delight in life . . . a sense of “fun”, which I think has been a family weakness . . . . I know that underneath the blazing jaunts in yellow convertibles to exquisite restaurants I am really regrettably unoriginal, conventional and puritanical, basically, but I needed to practice a certain healthy bohemianism for a while to swing away from the gray-clad, basically-dressed, brown-haired, clock-regulated, responsible, salad-eating, water-drinking, bed-going, economical, practical girl that I had become . . . and that’s why I needed to associate with people who were very different from myself. my happiest times were those entertaining in the apartment, where I could merrily create casseroles and conversation for small intimate groups of people I like very much. and that served as a balance in the midst of the two extremes. but I think warren has a good deal to learn from boys like phil or even richard sassoon (for his familiar roommates, I think, are so used to him that they make no new demands, and only, like al, help entrench him in his introverted habits), and not with an eye to being like them, but rather trying to incorporate their best qualities and thereby make himself a more versatile and vital person. I am really quite hopeful that you will write me your ideas on all this, and that somehow we can prevent our favorite boy from going on more and more in his outwardly respectable rut. I would like to see him go out west, or to alaska this summer with someone other than clem or al . . . he’ll get so accustomed to their being there to support him by their presence that he won’t have the new and difficult challenges he should have, and since he’ll be living with them for three years more, I feel strongly that he should have a change of scene both in personalities and ways of life. if only I go to england next year (small hope) I wish he could come over the summer after this and that we could travel around europe a bit together . . . so much better than staying in the cambridge womb all our lives! it would do us both good to exchange our allegorical lives (where everything is in a prosaic one-to-one ratio) for a vivid symbolic existence where the lvevels of meaning are multiple, with always new ones to be discovered.

  only do understand how I love warren and want to help him so he can grow and develop to a competent human being (not one who couldn’t even make his own breakfast because he “didn’t know where the things were”!) frankly, I think he needs to be kicked out on his own to shift for himself this next summer . . . somewhere where it was not always certain that meals would be served him and that the same roof would be over his head. I am a firm believer in learning to be inventive and independent the hard way . . . with little or no money, and I hope I can continue to investigate life’s chances and try to be so, even though inside I long for comforting security and someone to blow my nose for me, just the way most people do. I was proud of learning to cook and take care of bills this summer, but that is only a beginning: if only england would by some miracle come through, I would be forced shivering into a new, unfamiliar world, where I had to forge anew friends and a home for myself, and although such experiences are painful and awkward at first, I know, intellectually, that they are the best things to make one grow . . . always biting off just a slight bit more than you chewed before, and finding to you amazement that you can, when it comes right down to it, chew that too!

  you must be getting bored with my fumblings at philosophizing, but I feel the hour was worth it, because I want you to know what I’m thinking about, how I love every member of our family dearly, and want to make you all proud of me by being a versatile, responsible, gay person.

  right now it seems as if it is impossible that I ever have a thoughful well-written thesis done, because now al
l reading is apparently unrelated, (except that it is all about doubles, and very exciting in itself,) and thoughts are yet in embryo . . . the rough draft of my first chapter is due in a week from this friday, and I am wondering if I can say anything original or potential in it, as I feel always that I have not enough incisive thinking ability . . . the best thing is that the topic itself intrigues me, and that no matter how I work on it, I shall never tire of it . . . it is specific, detailed, and with a wealth of material . . . but of course I don’t know yet what precise angle I’ll handle it from . . . I’m taking the double in Dostoevsky’s second novelette “The Double” and Ivan Karamazov (with his Smerdyakov and Devil) in “The Brothers” as cases in point, and think I shall categorize the type of “double” minutely, contrasting and comparing the literary treatment as it corresponds to the intention of psychological presentation . . . in conjunction with this, I’ve been reading stories all about doubles, twins, mirror images, and shadow reflections. Your book gift “The Golden Bough”,* comes in handy, as it has an excellent chapter on “the soul as shadow and reflection”.

  german is as always terribly difficult. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to really hear it understandingly or to speak it.

  do write often, and give my love to all.

  your own,

  sivvy

  p.s. Thanks for clothes and apples – !

 

  TO Aurelia Schober Plath

  Thursday 14 October 1954*

  TLS with envelope,

  Indiana University

  thursday night

  dearest mother . . .

  don’t you think of what those envious people say when they see you lounging around at your ease: you know much better than they what you are working to prevent; I imagine Dick feels much the same way about going to bed early---outsiders find it hard to imagine the need of taking extra care when nothing seems outwardly wrong.

  tomorrow I have my first hour exam, in german, so this will only be a note. I was really discouraged this week, as I work so hard and only get low B’s, so I talked with my instructor after my two hour evening section last night. she was awfully understanding, and offered to give me an extra hour a week conversation drill, because I just can’t speak . . . and I have such trouble writing my quiz answers in german . . . the answers are right, but the words, order, and genders are all wrong, as I just never wrote a thing before. she advised me to keep on auditing the literature course, so this means that I’ll be spending about 20 hours a week on german . . . I do feel so dense.

  I was glad to realize that the very blue, aching mood I’ve been in for the past few days was due to my oncoming period (several weeks late, as usual, thrown off by my cold, I guess.) I feel much more cheerful now that the horrid first day is over . . . I couldn’t sleep for the pain and had to take codeine . . . so annoying. at any rate, with my vitamins and iron, I am getting along fine, now. I’ve been out for crew several times, and luxuriated in the exercise.

  went up to have a talk with miss mensel yesterday, and she was just dear. I was beginning to feel concerned about senior expenses, and all the college and house dues coming up, and so decided to get a few little jobs to cover some of my spending money. I am now going to spent 1½ hours each monday afternoon reading aloud to a blind man,* starting next week. I also am going babysitting twice next week, and spent two hours today proofreading copy for the college directory. miss mensel said that I was slated for a gift of $10 from the “riotous living” fund, which I was most interested to learn about. I decided inwardly that when I start earning money, I’d like to send at least $10 a year for miss mensel to give some scholarship girl to spend on a play, or put toward a weekend away, or something impractical like silver dance slippers . . . they have been so wonderful to me! she also said that I shouldn’t leave my $50 deposit for scholarships as they will ask me to, but that I will need it to cover my senior expenses (which is a help).

  mary ellen chase has been just wonderful about my fulbright application . . . she is going to write both to oxford and cambridge for me, with miss drew, and from what she says, she seems to have no doubts about my getting in! she says the english universities will give me time to write, travel, and are nowhere as rigid with planning time as america’s enormous grad schools, and from her accounts of cambridge, england, I just languished with wishful thinking!

  as for my thesis topic . . . it’s very simple: just a study of two specific examples of the Double personality in Dostoevsy’s books: the first novel (The Double) is about an introvert clerk who creates his own Double in his mind, which turns out to have all the hypocritical, suave, social graces necessary to getting on in the business world, and ends by ousting his own originator from his job, love, and life. The other example is Ivan Karamazov, whose distorted physical half-brother mimics and carries out Ivan’s hypothetical theories by murdering Ivan’s father. In connection with this topic, I’m reading several stories by E. T. A. Hoffman; Dorian Gray, by Oscar Wilde; Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde; Poe’s William Wilson; Freud, Frazer, Jung, and others . . . all fascinating stuff about the ego as symbolized in reflections (mirror and water), shadows, twins . . . dividing off and becoming an enemy, or omen of death . . . or a warning conscience . . . or a means by which one denies the power of death (eg, by creating the idea of the soul as the deathless double of the mortal body). My thesis, as I see it now, will only mention the philosophic and psychological theories (there are thousands) and will deal specifically with the type of Double in these two novels of D., and the literary methods of presenting them.

  Several professors are most interested in this topic, which gives me a great responsibility for clear thinking and lucid expression . . . had a conference with a charming young english prof* I’d never met before, and he gave me some of his notes on the subject, and some bibliography references, and was very encouraging . . . .

  needless to say, this year will be just hard work. but, except for my treading water precariously in german, I Love to Study! I am so happy with my brown hair and my studious self! I really can concentrate for hours on end, and am hoping that I can justify my topic by doing it well.

  be good to yourself, dear mother, and know how much I look forward to seeing you well and happy when I come home thanksgiving . . . I hope this year will be an unclouded thanksgiving for all of us!

  best love to all,

  sivvy

  TO Aurelia Schober Plath

  Monday 18 October 1954*

  ALS (postcard), Indiana University

  Monday, Oct. 18

  Dear mother . . .

  It seems almost impossible that only a bare month has gone by since my arrival here – I feel that I’ve been here for aeons – my first draft of one thesis chapter is due Friday, which puts heat on, as I have to start outlining it (20 pages) tonight. Gordon & I had a good weekend – he came over & studied the night of the “hurricane”,* Fri. (we had early curfew, because of the “storm”!) – I studied Sat. aft. while he socialized at Amherst & then joined him (we hitchhiked as we had no car) over there for an Italian spaghetti dinner – I had the happy thought of visiting Ruthie, and did so, with Gordy, for about 1 hr. – good, as she was lonesome because of Art’s 1st weekend not there – Sunday was intimate & friendly in the house, & I’m succeeding in getting Gordon to be a part of the group – delightful dinner-table talk, & an afternoon jazz concert in the livingroom – plan to fix up two dates for a friend of Gordy’s next week – spent 2 hours reading aloud this afternoon to dear, old, blind, pathetic ancient history ex-prof at Smith – my regular Monday p.m. job from now on – earned $2.30 proof reading last week –

  love,

  sivvy

  Hope you’re happy & getting better every day!

  TO Aurelia Schober Plath

  Sunday 24 October 1954*

  TLS with envelope,

  Indiana University

  sunday morning

  dearest mother . . .

&nbs
p; it is a beautiful clear blue sunday morning, and after ten blissful hours of sleep last night I feel again that I can cope with anything, and realize afresh how sleep and good health are essential to a lively, intelligent personality.

  mrs. freeman, ruthie, and two of her roommates came over friday and sat around in my attractive room (which you must see in all its charm before the year is out---perhaps again for spring weekend on float night) and then drove me back to amherst with them where I had dinner with mary bonneville (she is such a pathetic, ugly, lonely figure, I think) and waited for gordon to arrive at his hospitable fraternity house. he brought a friend* for whom I’d fixed up two dates in the course of the weekend.

  friday night I stayed up extremely late typing the 30 pages of my first draft of the golyadkin chapter which I passed in to mr. gibian yesterday. ultimately this chapter will only be 20 pages, but I wanted to cram everything in, so that it will be easier to condense artistically later. mr. gibian was very pleased, (even though I told him the draft was rough stream-of-conscious comments only,) that I’d gotten something substantial in so early, and I’m waiting till he reads it to react . . . perhaps it’s all abominably bad, but I secretly don’t think so and feel I have some good embryo ideas which I’ll develop and revise as I go on reading. the next 3 weeks will be devoted to the ivan Karamazov part.

  really, mother, I am so happy and fortunate in my topic: it lends itself to writing, and is so fascinating that my interest will never become dulled, no matter how I work on it continually. except for a brilliant long essay on “the double” by otto rank, no book has been devoted to it, and mr. gibian says he thinks it would be a good topic for a graduate thesis or even for a book! I have fallen in love with it, and feel reasonably sure that if I revise and rethink I can write* a good thesis.