Peace of Infinity

by Maegan Abel

  The silence stretched between us as our eyes stayed locked together. As always, I could read her every thought as it played out on her face. She was curious. She had more questions and I wanted to wait her out. It took several minutes before she broke the contact, pulling her mug to her lips to drink before she finally spoke. “Do you think they’re happy now? Do you believe there is somewhere we go after this?”

  I shrugged. “Maybe. I’ve never given it much thought. All I know is I miss them. I hate that I can’t talk to them, not the way I used to be able to.”

  “They don’t know about Infinity at all?”

  “They don’t believe. They think soul mates are a myth.” I tried to stop the rest from coming, but I couldn’t. “I guess it could be worse. They could believe it’s a curse.”

  Her body jolted just an inch, but enough to show me I’d made my point before she straightened again. “So what would you call something that makes you stick around when I choose someone else?” She wasn’t quite meeting my eyes now, hers had drifted somewhere near my collarbone. She wasn’t sure she wanted this answer.

  I groaned, setting my coffee aside and rubbing at my chest as the memory of the pain hit again. Fuck, it was nothing compared to the real thing, but it was close enough. This whole morning was already painful. I was ready for this conversation to be over, but I wanted to give her the answers I could while she had an interest.

  I waited until she met my gaze, letting her see my sincerity. “It sucked. I’m not gonna lie. Those were hard times—not the worst, but still bad. The happy times, though? Those moments when I hold you in my arms on our wedding day, or steal kisses as we walk through the grocery store, or just snuggle up with you by the fire…those times where I find you early and we spend almost our entire lives together making memories—those keep me going. Knowing I have more of those to come after the pain makes it…bearable. Not easy, but tolerable.”

  She blew out a heavy breath and I decided it was time to draw a line. At least for now. I walked over, nudged her knees apart to stand between them, and pulled her to the edge of the counter with my hands on her hips. “We’re done talking about this for now. I know you have questions and I’ll answer them when the time is right. Okay?”

  “Was that just a dream or did it happen?” she repeated her earlier question on a whisper, the worry lines back around her eyes.

  “I’m not going to answer that,” I said again, shaking my head. “You get to choose without fear.”

  She closed her eyes and leaned in to rest her forehead against mine. I couldn’t tell whether frustration or relief was winning out, but by that gesture, I guessed it was relief. Tilting up my chin, I moved to press my lips to hers. Maybe it was totally selfish, but I needed that reassurance. The second our lips met, her eyes opened and she sucked in a breath. Our faces were so close, I could see every tiny fleck of color in her beautiful eyes—eyes I had memorized time after time, but fuck if I didn’t want this lifetime to memorize them all over again. She licked her lips, and I only saw the movement briefly before she kissed me. I froze, my heart stammering for only a beat before I recovered, pulling her off the counter and holding her as I made my way to the bedroom.

  I hadn’t planned for this when I came to Gavin’s. Hell, I hadn’t even planned to come to Gavin’s. The second it occurred to me we were in his bedroom, I dropped my legs from around his waist. He paused, steadied us, and when I saw his eyes, I took a step away.

  Everything he’d said was swirling through my brain and I couldn’t figure out how to breathe as the weight of it all hit me. He’d talked about weddings and lives I couldn’t even remember like it was nothing. And he remembered all these things. I didn’t have any idea how to feel about that. What I did know was I needed to think.

  “I need space,” I said, meeting his eyes. His expression, which was confused, blanked at my words. He withdrew completely and the tremor started in my arms again as the reminder of the Gavin from my dream came back. “Everything you just said, all of it, it’s too much. And Dom…” I trailed off, Dom’s words choking in my throat as I tried to say them. Dom said Gavin loved me. I didn’t want to believe it could be true. I mean, he didn’t even know me, but at the same time, I could see it when he spoke about our history.

  I’d married him. In some life, probably in more than one, I’d been happy with him.

  But in some life, I’d married someone else while he watched. He sat there, in love with me, and just allowed my happiness while he suffered.

  Who does something like that?

  I stared at him, trying not to think about all the times I’ve probably hurt him in the past, but I can’t help it. I can’t even imagine what it must feel like to continue with the weight of all those lives in his mind. I still don’t understand why anyone would do it. Why? Why did he keep fighting for me? It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him this wasn’t worth it…I wasn’t worth it, but that’s not what came out when I opened my mouth.

  “Why do you do it?” My voice sounded shaky and I realized my body was trembling.

  He licked his lips and swallowed, taking a deep breath before he responded. “You know why, Evangelie. I know you feel it.”

  “I…” I couldn’t finish the lie and I didn’t even want to. I didn’t want to do anything but run as far away from here as I could possibly get and never, ever think the word Infinity again.

  When it became obvious I wasn’t going to say anymore, he stepped aside, clearing the path to the door. I stood for a moment, not sure I could move, but I finally pushed myself forward. A part of me expected him to grab my arm or say something when I passed him, but he didn’t. I wasn’t disappointed so much as nervous. When I got to the front door, I looked back, the layout of the house giving me a visual straight down the hall and to his bedroom door. He wasn’t even watching me. He was sitting on the foot of the bed, elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He was the portrait of defeat. I was frozen again. Something inside me was cracking apart at the sight. I felt like a voyeur, watching his obvious pain from the outside.

  And yet, it seared into my very being, like it was me sitting on the bed.

  “Go, Ev,” he said just loud enough for me to hear. His voice sounded almost as empty as the one in my dream and I shuddered. But I still didn’t leave. I was stranded, trapped between the fear of everything he’d said this morning and the horror of the pain from the dream. After another quiet moment, he dropped his arms and lifted his head, looking at the ceiling. “Goddammit!” he roared, making me jump. He stood, and without looking at me, slammed the bedroom door closed between us, cutting off my view.

  Seeing emotion from him made me think it was safe to leave. I hurried out the door, closed it quietly, and started down the driveway at a jog. It was several miles back to Cara’s place from here and I’d cooled down some, so I should’ve been okay, but the farther I got, the harder running became. It didn’t help that I couldn’t get any actual oxygen into my lungs. My chest was on fire and I stopped, dropping to my ass and leaning my back against a tree.

  What was happening to my life?

  What was happening to me?

  I needed to fix this Cara situation and get the fuck out of Hawk Bay as soon as I could. Staying here was clouding my judgment and making me second-guess…well, everything.

  Even though I’d never admit it out loud, I wanted Gavin. I could see exactly how my mom fell for my dad because so much of me felt like it already belonged to Gavin. But I couldn’t let it happen. I couldn’t be her. I remembered too clearly the look on Grandma’s face anytime she talked about my mom. I couldn’t put that kind of pain on Cara. She was the only family I had left. Cara needed me, even if no one else in the world truly did.

  How did these other versions of me end up so insane that they gave in to this? Was I really so different? I sat up, my scalp prickling as I thought about all Gavin and Dom had said. This really happened. They remembered things. Dom mentioned my grandma by name. Was it possible th
ey knew my family well? My parents? Did they not always die this way? Maybe that’s how it worked. Surely how I was raised made an impact on what happened with Gavin in each life so he should know. He should understand why I had to do things this way this time. I couldn’t let him talk me into anything. I had to remember the curse was a real thing for me and it had ruined my family.

  This time, it ruined me.

  I couldn’t let Gavin in. I just couldn’t.

  I always forgot how much I hated working with the public until I put myself in a situation where I had to.

  The table in the corner, the one full of women a few years older than me, was driving me batshit and I wasn’t even their server. I stayed busy, keeping to my area, but Courtney, who had trained me and made her distaste of everything I did obvious, was laughing right along with them.

  You know those moments when you’re hyperaware people are talking about you?

  Yeah, sucks balls.

  It’s worse when your patience is shot from a week’s worth of pent up frustration. Add not sleeping well from the random nightmares I still wasn’t convinced were nightmares and it was a new level of hell.

  To say I was ready to snap was an understatement.

  “Hey,” one of the women called as I carried two empty cups and a plate over to the drink station to drop them for Sam, the busboy working this area today. I ignored her, pretending I didn’t realize she was talking to me. “Evangeline, right?” I rolled my eyes and headed over.

  “Evangelie,” I corrected. “Did you need me to get you something?” I plastered on the fakest smile I could to let her know I saw right through her. A quick glance around the table and I realized one of the women was Holly, a friend of Cara’s I’d met at the bridal shower the night I’d ended up in Gavin’s bed. I sighed, even more frustrated. Now I was thinking about Gavin and the fact that there was a gaping, ragged hole inside my body consuming me more with each day that passed.

  “Right.” The woman waved her hand dismissively and I turned away from the table. “Wait. We had a question for you.” I took a deep breath, allowing an irritated noise to escape before I spun back to face them. It was painfully hard to be civil to bitches and it wasn’t something I ever learned to do well. “What’s the secret? I mean, we know your family is a bunch of freaks, what with your mom offing herself and everything, but how the hell did you manage to land Gavin?”

  My skin prickled as my face warmed. The angry flush of my cheeks would make me look weak and that pissed me off even more. People in this goddamn town. The rumors about my family were no secret. I was well aware they talked back when I was too young to understand, but this? It had been years and this bitch actually had the gall to say this shit to my face?

  “For starters, I’m not with Gavin,” I said, my voice low as I stepped closer to the table. “And are you serious right now? The little den of jealous bitches bothering a woman at work? This cliché is tired. Find a better hobby.”

  “Well, I guess if she’s not with him, maybe I’ll try my luck again,” she said as I walked away. I didn’t turn around, but I couldn’t ignore the stab of pain that hit me like a knife to the gut.

  I hated that I cared. All it did was piss me off more.

  “What are you smiling at?” I asked, glad to see Cara happy, her eyes twinkling when she was doing nothing more than sitting on the couch. She blushed and shook her head, turning back to the television and biting her lip. Her phone screen flashed again and she lifted it, her shoulders shaking with silent laughter. “Seriously, who are you talking to?” It wasn’t that I never saw Cara laugh, but the last few days, she was so much happier than she’d been since I arrived. She was becoming the Cara I’d grown up with again.

  “No one. It’s none of your business,” she said, sticking her tongue out at me. As soon as her phone distracted her again, I snatched it out of her hand. “Hey!”

  The screen was unlocked and the text messages were up, making life easy. I scrolled through the last few, holding Cara back with a hand around her wrist.

  D: I said I promise to be good. I never said I wouldn’t flirt.

  Cara: Isn’t that what being “good” means?

  D: Not at all, gorgeous.

  Cara: Stop. Flirting. We’re friends.

  D: For now. Say yes to dinner.

  Cara: I told you I can’t. I have a boyfriend.

  D: And I promised to be good. Just friends. You have my word.

  It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out “D” was Dom. I growled at the phone and Cara snatched it away from me before I could keep scrolling back. There were a lot of messages.

  “I told you it’s none of your business,” Cara said, crossing her legs again as she replied to his last text.

  “Tell me you’re saying no to that dinner.” I was shaking, nearly vibrating as I tried to control my emotions.

  “Butt out. It’s my life,” she snapped, finally getting angry.

  “You have a boyfriend.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I realized what I was saying. Was I really so dead set against the curse that I would push her back to a guy I knew was abusing her? Jesus, what the fuck was wrong with me? “I mean…ugh. You know what I mean.”

  “I love Shawn. You have to get over that. I love him and I choose him. Dom and I are friends.” Cara turned to face me. “Like you and Gavin could be if you weren’t being such a raging bitch.”

  I sat up straight, the trembling ceasing immediately as my body locked down at the sound of his name. “Excuse me?” I whispered.

  “You think I don’t know what happened the night you left the bar with him? Get real. You two totally fucked and now you’re freaking out about the bullshit curse and pushing him away,” Cara said, her fingers waggling ridiculously on the word “curse”. “It’s been two weeks, Ev. You need to talk to him.”

  “Okay, if you think Infinity is so great, why are you keeping Dom at arm’s length?” I questioned, studying her face as she smiled sweetly at me.

  “I thought you wanted me to blow him off? You really need to pick a side in this one. Your indecisiveness is making you look bad,” she said, laughing as she hopped up from the couch. I watched her sashay to her room, obviously proud of her parting shot. I grumbled under my breath and Stitch jumped down from the chair, taking Cara’s place beside me on the couch and settling with a heavy groan.

  “You said it,” I agreed with him, reaching out to run my hand over his head.

  There was another way to go about this.

  I wasn’t above being that girl who interfered, which was why I found myself rushing down the boardwalk on my work break toward the General Store. I’d hyped myself up for this talk with Dom, intending to do everything I could to protect my sister, and I hadn’t even checked to see if he was working.

  Luckily, when I threw open the door to the store, I saw him standing behind the counter.

  Unluckily, he wasn’t alone.

  Gavin’s eyes slammed into me and I froze just inside the door. Everything I’d planned to say to Dom—hell, even his existence—vanished and I was staring opened-mouthed at Gavin.

  Shirtless Gavin.

  Sweaty, shirtless Gavin.

  With tools.

  I couldn’t stop my eyes from traveling down his bare chest before coming back to his face. It was then I noticed how awful he looked. I mean, he was still gorgeous in every sense of the word, but he looked as worn as I felt. His hair was disheveled, like he’d been running his hands through it constantly, and I wanted more than anything to touch him. That ragged, gaping wound pulled tight inside me, yanking toward the source of what it believed could put me back together. I wanted to throw myself at him, to wrap my arms around him and never let go. I wanted to let him heal what was damaged inside me.

  “I’m gonna go,” he said, turning his attention to Dom. He tossed the hammer he was holding into the toolbox, the clatter making me jump even though I was watching his every move. He scooped up the t-shirt discarded beside it and pul
led it over his head as Dom sighed. “We’ll finish. I’ll be back…later.”

  And that was that. My mouth, which had still been open, snapped closed and my fists followed suit. Maybe if I squeezed my hands tight enough, it would hide the trembling starting there. Hopefully, it would at the very least keep me from reaching for him. He gave me a wider berth than normal and walked right past me out the door I was still holding, acting for all the world like I wasn’t even there.

  Ouch.

  Even I couldn’t pretend that one didn’t hurt.

  Dom whistled a low sound and I looked up at him. “That was fun.” When I didn’t respond, he continued. “What can I do for you?”

  “You can stop filling my sister’s head with your bullshit,” I snapped, taking my anger out on him, even though it wasn’t his fault. I slammed the door, moving a few steps inside and scowling when his face split into a smirk. “I’m serious. She’s got it bad enough right now and doesn’t need you fucking with her head further.”

  “I’m not fucking with her head. I’m showing her there is someone out there who thinks she deserves the damn world. I’m showing her what she has isn’t all there is and I’m doing it with as much damn patience as I can muster.” His palms landed on the counter with so much force, all the jars sitting near the register clanked loudly. “She’s been with this assclown for two years and she’s convinced she loves him. I have my work cut out, but it’ll be worth it when she chooses me.”

  I swallowed back bile at the look of pure determination in his eyes. He was convinced he could win her and just from that speech alone, I was sure he would. I almost choked on my need to feel that level of certainty about Gavin.