Peace of Infinity

by Maegan Abel

  The answer was clear, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to admit anything about this connection could be positive.

  Once I had him good and distracted, I moved the handcuffs up the pillow, careful not to make a sound.

  “God, Gavin. I can’t believe I didn’t give in sooner. You’re right, I am yours,” I moaned loudly, covering the clink as I snapped one end of the cuffs around a slat in his headboard. I leaned back, grabbing his hands from my hips and running them up my body to my breasts. I used his hands, manipulating them as I continued to ride him.

  I had to admit, even if this plan failed, it was a hell of a way to wake up.

  When he was getting close, though it still floored me how well I understood his body, I kept my grip on his hands and fell forward, giving him my weight as I leaned into his chest. Our hands settled near his head, but his right hand landed on the cuff, drawing his attention. I moved fast, catching him off guard as I rolled my hips and tightened every muscle I could around him while I snapped the cuff to his wrist. I wasn’t quick enough, though. The cuff was on him, but he had a death grip around my shoulders with his other arm.

  “What the fuck?” he growled, realizing he’d been too late for the other hand. “What did you—” I scrambled to make my getaway, disconnecting our bodies, much to my own disappointment. He still had a hold on me and I bit down on his nipple, probably harder than I needed to. When he sucked in a breath and released his arm, I scurried off the bed, smiling brightly in triumph.

  “I really didn’t think that was ever going to work,” I laughed, leaning forward to put my hands on my knees while I looked him over. He was seriously unhappy, eyes hard and jaw tight as he lay against the sheets naked.

  “Uncuff me, Evangelie,” he snapped, his face turning red as his eyes narrowed at me. I crossed my arms. Apparently, he didn’t find my little joke as funny as I did. Too bad I didn’t give a rat’s ass.

  “I hate being trapped. Now, maybe you’ll understand that,” I said, turning toward my bag. I grabbed out clothes, still smiling and waiting for him to start yelling as he watched me. I glanced at him, throwing a wink over my shoulder before heading to the bathroom to get ready for work. His jaw was rigid, working under the scruff on his face, but there was something a lot like hurt behind his eyes. I paused, just briefly, but pushed through. I’d let him go when I was done in the bathroom and give him a chance to get ready for work.

  I took my time in the bathroom, doing everything at a snail’s pace just to make him sweat a little longer. I was rather proud of my little game. It might’ve left us both worked up, but I was sure we would make up for that later. I gave a small laugh, unlocking the bathroom door and heading back to his bedroom. Now would be the hard part. He was no doubt still stewing over the fact that I’d outsmarted him, so I had to let him loose and get away fast enough to avoid retribution.

  When I opened the bedroom door, I froze. Gavin wasn’t in the bed. I spun, fully expecting to find him ready to pounce from behind me, but there was no one in the hall either. “Gavin?” I asked, trepidation in my tone. Taking a step in to check behind the door, I looked around again, noticing the gun and badge that had been sitting beside the cuffs on his nightstand were gone and so was his phone.

  I frowned and dropped my clothes on top of my bag before wandering out to the kitchen, expecting to find him there, but still nothing. Stitch was making a mess at his food bowl, having already been walked and fed. Glancing around again, I saw a piece of paper under a coffee mug beside the full pot. After one more cautious look behind me, I moved toward the paper and grabbed it.

  If you have to go anywhere, there’s a key on the hook by the door. Take Cara with you or bring her to the station and someone will keep an eye on her if you have to work.

  That was it. No signature, nothing about cuffing him to the bed, just…nothing. Just two sentences in his manly, slanted handwriting that was, for some insane reason, completely endearing. I scowled at the note on that thought, grumbling about how ridiculous this all was before wadding it up and throwing it in the trash. Screw him if he couldn’t take a joke. That was all it was. It wasn’t like I’d left the house with him tethered there, I was just letting him stew. And, in all fairness, he’d brought it on himself. He’d pinned me to the bed with the blankets and I told him I didn’t like to feel trapped.

  Still, there was a painful little twinge in my chest at the realization that he was upset. I wasn’t even sure why he was upset, but it really bothered me that he was. I shook my head, pouring a cup of coffee as I shoved the thoughts aside. It didn’t matter. It wasn’t like he could stay mad at me anyway.

  The mug halted halfway to my lips at the thought. What the fuck was the matter with me? That was a shitty thing to even think and my stomach turned a little at my own callousness. I was trying, but something somewhere inside wasn’t letting me give in fully. That fear was making me a bitch and I didn’t want to be that girl.

  But that fear had a voice and it was whispering that if I really gave in, that would be the end. I was strong and independent, but I wasn’t strong or independent enough for that.

  To have everything and lose it…that would be too much.

  There were few things in the world I hated more than paperwork. Right now, one of them was the rule that I couldn’t be on the case looking for Shawn because my girlfriend, if you could call her that, was involved. I wanted to be busy searching because that meant I would be doing something productive to keep my mind off Evie.

  And more than anything, I wanted my mind off Evie.

  As soon as the thought came, the door to the station opened and I glanced that way. Cara carefully and awkwardly maneuvered through the doorway on her crutches. I jumped up to help her, but so did two of the other officers, and since they were closer to the door, they beat me to it. I was surprised she was alone, but she gave me a smile as I held out the chair beside my desk for her.

  “Hey, you.”

  “Sorry. I wanted to hang at the house, but Evie said I had to come here,” she said, looking a little sheepish.

  “Was she heading to work?” I asked, trying to pretend I didn’t care about the answer by settling back in my chair.

  “Yeah. She, um…she said she was running late so…” Cara trailed off, her cheeks turning bright pink at having to make an excuse for Evie not coming in.

  I laughed, wanting to ease her discomfort. She was just entirely too soft and sweet. “You don’t need to lie for her. She didn’t want to see me and that’s fine. Actually, I’m relieved,” I admitted, turning to face the paperwork open on my desk. “I don’t have a lot to keep you occupied, but there’s a small break room in the back with a TV and a couch if you want to hang out in there. We can go out and grab some lunch a little later, how does that sound?”

  She gave me a smile, her shoulders sagging a bit as she let out a shaky laugh. “Sounds perfect.” She stood and I rose to help her, but she shook her head. She wanted to do it herself.

  I knew I liked her. She was stronger than Evie gave her credit for.

  I walked beside her, showing her to the break room and getting her settled in for a while.

  “Gavin,” she called as I started to leave the room. I turned to face her again. “I know she hasn’t said it, but thanks. You didn’t have to step in the way you have, especially knowing my sister and how difficult she is, but I appreciate it.”

  I nodded again. There was more to say, but I wasn’t ready to say it—not yet, at least.

  “Are you going to give up on her?”

  I glanced up from where I’d been picking at the small hole in the cheap red and white vinyl tablecloth to meet Cara’s eyes. We’d just ordered lunch at a small restaurant outside of town because I’d intentionally avoided going to the boardwalk. Cara wasn’t an idiot; she knew what I was doing. When I didn’t answer, she continued.

  “Because it sucks, you know. Having your Infinity walk away from you and not knowing if they’re ever going to come back,” she sai
d, tears shining in her eyes.

  “Dom is upset, but he’ll get over it. He’s waited a long time for you, and he was terrified he was going to lose you before he had the chance to actually have you,” I explained. “He’ll be back, though.”

  “I wish I had your confidence,” she whispered, her eyes shifting to her fingers as she twisted them in her lap. “I’m just so confused.”

  “So ask me,” I said, leaning forward. She glanced up at me, chewing on the inside of her lip as tiny wrinkles formed around her nose. I couldn’t help myself, I smiled. Dom didn’t stand a chance against Cara. “Regardless of what happens in this cycle, you and I are going to be a part of each other’s lives for a long time. Dom is like a brother to me, and that makes you like a sister. Ask me, and I’ll answer what I can.”

  She shifted in her chair, straightening a little as she leaned closer as well. “He said something about how I could end a cycle at any time. It was my decision.”

  “Yes. You have the choice to sever the connection for a particular cycle,” I answered, trying to keep the worry out of my expression, but her eyes widened as she caught it.

  “No. No, no, I’m not thinking about doing it, I was just wondering if I’d know…if there was a way to feel it if he did,” she said, biting down on her lip. I sighed at the fear I could see in her features.

  “He doesn’t have that option,” I explained, and her forehead furrowed. She was quiet for a moment before she replied.

  “You guys don’t have a choice? Like, we get to choose, but you guys are just stuck with us?” she asked, and the horrified tone told me this thought bothered her.

  I frowned, hating the way she’d worded that almost as much as I hated when Evie called it a curse. “It’s not like that at all. You haven’t gotten to experience it fully yet, but, Cara, I promise you, we are far from stuck. We want this. Dom wants this. He’s wanted it for a long time.”

  “What about you? Do you still want it? Even with my sister being such a raging bitch?” she asked, giving me a small, somewhat uncomfortable smile.

  “Yeah,” I said, my own smile sincere, if a bit forced. “Yeah, I still want it. I will always want it, regardless of how this life turns out. Evie is always spirited and I love that about her. It’s hard to break through sometimes, but once I do—if I do—it’s so worth it.”

  “And if you can’t?” she asked, and my eyes drifted to the table. I was feeling it already, that need to disconnect and brace myself for the inevitable. “What happens then?”

  “Then I struggle through the best I can with half of myself missing and promise myself I’ll try harder next time,” I answered, the burning in my chest intensifying. “I don’t walk away from her often. Usually, I wait for her to sever it or I do whatever I can to be a part of her life, but…”

  “But?” she prompted when I didn’t continue.

  “But I almost did today.”

  “What stopped you?” she asked once the server finished clearing the plates in front of us.

  “You.”

  “Me?” Her voice squeaked a little, her eyes widening in an expression that only served to make her innocence that much more endearing.

  “You showing up at the station reminded me just how fiercely this Evie loves, and dammit, I want that. I love her fire and passion, but she’s also so fucking guarded and stubborn.”

  “It sounded like you two were getting along this morning,” she said, wiggling her eyebrows at me in a way I couldn’t help but laugh at, especially as she blushed.

  “Yeah. I thought we were getting along just fine, but it turned out I was wrong.”

  There was silence from Cara as I paid the tab, though she’d argued earlier when I told her I was treating her to lunch, and I helped her out to the car. It wasn’t until we were settled in that she spoke again.

  “She’s spent her life thinking she was somehow responsible for our parents’ deaths. We were always told the worse thing in the world was to accept your Infinity and lose them. It was worse than death, and my mom proved that by killing herself. Evie always focused on her guilt, but I always wondered what kind of person chose that love over their children?”

  We drove and I tried to keep myself from speaking, not wanting to freak her out with what was weighing on my mind, but it was no use. “Don’t judge your mom too harshly. I promise you, she loves you both and knew you would be well taken care of. Even if she didn’t realize she knew it, in the back of her mind, she did.”

  “How would you know?” she asked, surprising me a little with the quiet hope quivering in her voice.

  I glanced over as I drove and then looked back at the road. “I’ve met your parents. I’ve lived different versions of this life, remember?”

  Her shock radiated around the small car. I gave her a moment to come to grips with everything, but it didn’t take long. “They don’t always…I mean, sometimes they live?”

  “Yeah. A lot of times they live. You are a new addition to the story, but knowing your parents, a very loved one. I can’t imagine the decision makes sense and I’m not telling you to forgive her or even to understand, I just want you…I don’t know. I guess I just wish you could know them. I mean, you will, but not in this cycle.” I frowned, hating that I had no way to really make this any easier on either of them. If there were a way to share my memories with them, to let them see the people I knew their parents to be, I would do it. If anyone deserved that peace of mind, it was Cara and Evie.

  “It’s still weird to think about the fact that you know them—even that you know my sister,” she said, her voice shaky.

  “I know. Evie always struggles with it too.” I tried to smile, but I wasn’t sure it was as convincing as I hoped. “You’ll get used to it.”

  She was quiet again and it wasn’t until we pulled back up to the station that she asked, “Do you really think Dom will come back?”

  I turned to face her, wanting her to know I was telling the truth. “Without a doubt. He’s watched me with Evie for so many cycles and he’s known you would come along eventually.” I reached out, taking her hand in mine when I saw the tears dripping to her cheeks. At that moment, I was as close as I’d ever been to hating Dom. I forced it aside and focused on Cara for now. “It may not be exactly how he wants it, but trust me, he’s happy to finally know who you are. He cares about you more than you know. Remember that, okay?”

  She nodded and I slid out of the car and jogged around to help her inside, all the while silently cursing Dom for this.

  I stayed at the station a lot longer than I would have normally, but, as shitty as it sounded, I was avoiding Evie. I wasn’t a complete asshole, I did feel uncomfortable leaving her to come home to an empty house, but Stitch was there and I’d sent a squad car to do a drive by just after her shift should’ve ended to make sure she made it.

  Still, it ate at me. Of course. I hated that I couldn’t help but worry. But it’s who I was.

  When Cara and I did arrive at the house, Evie was sitting on the couch with Stitch beside her, watching TV—or pretending to be enthralled by whatever was on in order to avoid our arrival. Cara moved to sit in the chair and propped up her leg as Stitch jumped down and moved to lie between them on the floor. I was grateful for that dog. He loved and wanted to protect these two women just as much as I did.

  “Did you eat?” I called toward Evie, opening the fridge and trying to decide what to make for Cara and myself since she hadn’t had dinner.

  I heard movement, but no answer. I half expected to look up and see she’d left the room, but she was standing closer, leaning a shoulder against the doorframe to the kitchen as she watched me. Her expression looked carefully blank, but I could see the hint of worry in her eyes and it made me sigh. She tried so hard to act like nothing touched her, but deep down, in some place she thought she had to protect from me, she hurt. I just needed her to let me in.

  “You hungry?” I asked again, softer this time. She nodded, but still didn’t speak. I turned b
ack to the food and realized almost immediately I had even less desire to cook than normal, which was saying a lot. I swung the door closed with a sigh. “I don’t feel like cooking. Let’s just order something.”

  When I turned, she was there, closer, standing just a few feet away. I moved across the kitchen to the drawer where I kept several menus for restaurants in the area. There weren’t a lot of options here in Hawk Bay, but there were several other small towns in the area. Evie came up beside me, leaning back against the counter right next to the drawer.

  “It’s not like I was going to leave you there,” she finally said, arms crossed over her chest defensively.

  My irritation spiked immediately and I shook my head. “Don’t.”

  “Stop acting like a baby. Geez. I’m sorry, okay?” The words were sarcastic and I slammed the drawer shut. I had to remind myself Cara was in the next room.

  “You know what, I’m not hungry,” I said, heading for the door. I needed to put space between us before I snapped and said something that wouldn’t help my case at the moment.

  “God, it’s no wonder I gave up on us in the past. You can’t even take a joke,” she snapped, and I lost it. I spun, turning to get right in her face before I spoke.

  “I love you, Evangelie.” I watched her eyes widen from just those four words, but I didn’t stop. “I do. I love every version of you, even this one. But at the moment, I’ve forgotten why because I don’t even like you right now.” As soon as the words were out, I regretted them. They were the truth, but they were also harsher than anything I’d ever said to her. I didn’t do this. I didn’t push back when she tried to push me away, but fuck, I was just so tired of it all right then that I couldn’t even force myself to take it back.

  She laughed, but I could see hurt as clear and deep as my own in her eyes. “Well, at least we have the last part in common.” I was one hundred percent sure I should apologize. This was the moment to beg if I had to. Cold rushed through my veins, but my anger held on as well. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t keep playing her game. Fucking hell, this was it. Everything in me tightened as I prepared for what I was sure was coming next. My hands balled into fists and I fought to keep my breathing even as I watched the emotion she tried so hard to hide from me burn behind her eyes. Fear. She was terrified of her own words before she even spoke them. “I could make this easy and just end things now.”