by Jordan Deen
Easy for him to say. “You’ve done this longer; can’t you just block me out?”
He laughed and rolled onto his back to pull me on top of him, “I’ve never done this part before, and you’re stronger than I am.” He urged my legs to his sides causing me to straddle his stomach.
“What?” I asked with my heart going into hyper drive at the sight of his body below mine, perfectly shadowed by the streaming pearls of moonlight through the window.
“That’s how you blocked me out. You’re stronger than I am.” That wasn’t possible, but there was no way I’d argue with him, not with what I wanted so badly within reach.
I concentrated as hard as I could to push out the dizzy feelings that kept intensifying to the point of insanity. A few times, it was so difficult to stop Haventon from overtaking us that I shoved him away to steady my breathing and collect my thoughts.
The rise and fall of the sensations that rushed through me were almost more than I could bear, but it was comforting to see he was having just as hard of a time as I was staying out of Haventon. We were experiencing this for the first time together, and he only wanted me. The idea thrilled me and quieted doubts, even if only momentarily.
It was more complicated to control than I thought, and more than once, I wanted to give in and go to the comfort of our special place. But each time I slipped too far, he pulled back and when he slipped, I pulled back. Neither of us wanted to give up the genuine feeling of our skin against each other. Not yet at least, not before the bond in reality became as real as the one in our dreams. Brandon’s smooth hands, lips, and confident way definitely replaced the uncomfortable, less than memorable, first time with Nate Randall back in high school. Brandon and Nate weren’t in the same league… not even close. Brandon said he’d never been with anyone else, but it didn’t seem like it. I guess he’d gotten enough practice in Haventon, or, I guess we both did.
The sun reflecting on the stream woke me several hours later. Brandon lay peacefully on his back next to me. I rose and stretched my body as far as it would go then walked to the creek to dip my feet into the tepid water. Carefully, I waded towards the deeper end pool, and dunked myself in the cleansing water of Haventon. It washed over me, taking away every trial of the last year, replacing it with the perfect vision of Brandon leaning on his elbow, watching me play in the water.
“Why don’t you join me?” I called to him.
“You just couldn’t let me sleep in could you?” He laughed and stood from the blanket to stretch. “Do you want to eat first?”
“Come in, the water feels so good.”
“Trust me, the water looks more inviting with you in it. But we have a long day ahead of us. Are you ready for it?”
“Ready for what?” I started to climb out of my personal bathtub.
“To transform,” he said and before I could take two steps towards him, he leaned forward onto his knuckles and morphed into the large, horrendous black wolf that haunted all my nightmares last year before I even knew what we were. The trees surrounded us went barren and closed in around me. The menacing black eyes of the wolf bore down on me as his teeth snapped against each other; strong and menacing like the bear traps Thomas and Michael had set around our camp.
I fell back into the water. A large wave splashed into my face and up my nose causing my lungs to fill with water. Not only would the wolf attack me, I’d drown in the process.
“No,” I screamed and jerked back in the water.
My head smacked hard against the headboard and Brandon’s arms closed tight around me.
“What happened?” he asked, startled awake. The panic behind his eyes said he wasn’t in the same place I was. We may have originally gone to Haventon, but I definitely got lost somewhere along the way.
“Did you just have a dream?” I asked, trying to control the amount of tremor in my voice.
“No,” he pulled me tighter against him. The sun barely started to peek into the room. Camp would be bustling with hammering and framing soon. “Why?”
“I had that dream again. The one that you were that huge black wolf and you attacked me.”
Brandon’s tight forearms pulled me into his chest and covered me with the blankets again. I cuddled into him, trying to block out the nightmare that wasn’t reality. Brandon was Grant, not this huge, horrible black wolf. Grant would never hurt me. Neither would Brandon. So, why would I dream he would become this horrible, ferocious creature out to harm me? How could he expect me to embrace my inner she-wolf when there were monsters lurking in the dark that waited to pounce on me the first chance they got? Yes, there were other monsters in the woods, and the sooner I learned how to fight them, the better off I would be.
“Now that we can go to Haventon, do you think I’ll transform soon?”
Brandon gave me a wide smile and kissed the top of my forehead. “I really hope so. Once that happens, we can have our union ceremony and the real fun begins.”
The real fun. I don’t think I would have called becoming a werewolf fun, but if that was what it took to defend myself, then that is what I would do.
“Hey, Michael and Thomas are going door to door. I think you guys are caught,” Catch knocked on the door and then pushed it open. “How are we doing this? Head on or sneaking her back to her cabin?”
Brandon stroked my shoulder again. We knew what awaited us. “They know she’s not in her room. I’m sure Lily already announced that to the whole camp.”
Shortly after we got dressed, Michael, Emile, Serena, and half the camp appeared at Brandon’s bedroom door. Each set of eyes grew wide as they took in the sight of us and the disheveled bed we shared; they knew what we had done. And I don’t think they liked it; well, not as much as we did at least.
c h a p t e r
TWELVE
Brandon and I suffered through the walk of shame… the horrifying fifty feet between Trevor’s cabin and mine. All the while, our fellow pack members watched us like we had stolen something. If Brandon didn’t have a strong grip on my hand, I would have run back to the safety of his room. But with his head held high, he continued to trudge across the pathway like he was totally unphased. I wished I had his confidence in our decision because Emile’s and Serena’s unkind eyes told me what we did was completely off limits. I wasn’t sure I was fully ready for the consequences, even though Brandon was.
Emile ushered me to my room and left me alone with the voices in my head wondering how much trouble the two of us would be in. What was the worst they could do? Ground us?
For more than a half hour, I kept my ear pressed to the door and listened to Serena yelling at Michael for losing us last night when he had to stop for gas after we left the diner. Michael insisted it wasn’t his fault since Brandon knew the rules and how important our focus should have been on growing our bond, not our physical needs.
The door vibrated against my ear when Emile knocked on it. I shook my head and pressed my fingers against my lobe trying to quiet the ringing in my eardrum.
“Lacey?” Emile pushed the door open. She didn’t wait for me to answer when she walked in and shut the door behind her. “I think we should talk.”
I guessed it was my turn to shoulder some of the burden for our activities. “I don’t know what the two of you were thinking.”
“We got carried away. I thought it would help grow our bond.”
“Well?” She sat on my bed and folded her arms across her chest like a judge waiting to give her final verdict. “Let’s see it then. Since having sex with my son was the only way you could connect with him.” Her tone was definitely judgmental. She seriously did not like that I had done the deed with her only son. If we were to be married, it shouldn’t have been a big deal. “Your palm, please.”
I turned my hand over, and didn’t want to admit—she was right. I thought it would help, but it hadn’t. My mark was still faded and barely noticeable.
“So, I’ve tried to attribute some of your mannerisms and attitude to being rais
ed by the Mares. I’ve constantly reminded myself that you are unfamiliar with our culture, and our values, but last night, you went too far.”
I shifted from one foot to the other and stared at her, not wanting to have this conversation. This reminded me of the last sex talk I had with my fake mother. Except, Emile’s tone was different; probably because she had caught us, my fake mother had only talked in hypothetical terms. “You have nothing to say to me?” She folded arms across her chest.
“It’s not like we are juveniles,” I said and wished I hadn’t.
“Yes, that is exactly what you acted like. Juveniles. Two young, inconsiderate kids. The two of you are obligated to our pack and to these people. Instead of focusing on the deeper connection the two of you need, you denied your body's natural instincts to take you to Haventon and forced the connection to stop.” I stared at her, how could she have known that?
“Don’t think Michael and I haven’t been there, oh no, we have. But that was long after our bond had solidified, and after our union ceremony. See, what you don’t understand is the physical is an afterthought to the truly deep bond you should have. For you to put the physical first, and make Brandon deny everything he’s ever known, is careless and inconsiderate of all of us here.”
“I didn’t make Brandon deny anything.” I folded my arms across my chest. The buzz I felt from waking up with him had vanished.
“Yes, you did. Brandon knew that it was what you wanted. He knew that wasn’t how things were supposed to be, but he wanted to show you he’d do anything for you.”
“No, he thought it would connect us.”
“He knew it wouldn’t. That is not how these things work. When you are truly emotionally bonded to someone, just thinking of that person will be so much better than any actual touch you will share.”“How is that a life? How can something imagined be better than the real thing?”
She shook her head. “You will never get it. Will you?”
“Probably not,” I responded with a lot of attitude crammed into the words.
“Because of your actions, your true bond may never form,” Emile said and stood from my bed. That was ridiculous, if we were going to bond, having the physical connection with him only helped.
“Why did Alex push so hard for me to sleep with him then? Huh? How could that have bonded me to him, if it won’t bond me to Brandon?”
Serena walked in the door and answered for Emile, “Because that was the only way Sophie’s trinkets and witchery would have worked. If you had given yourself physically to the spell, it would have taken you emotionally. Emile, if I can have a minute with her?”
“Yes, I’m done with her,” Emile said, with more than one meaning behind her words.
“So,” Serena started as soon as Emile shut the door behind her, “we’ve already talked about some of your dumb choices, but this one I really don’t get.”
“We didn’t mean to hurt anyone,” I started to say, but Michael yelling at Brandon interrupted my thoughts.
“Get out,” Brandon said to Serena as he flung open the door. “This is ridiculous. We are being treated like we’ve sabotaged our bond and the pack. That’s not at all what happened, or what we planned.”
Serena pulled at Brandon’s hand until he was out of the way of the door and shut it, trapping us inside like caged animals… I guess that’s what we were anyway.
She urged both of us to sit on the bed; Brandon sat as close to me as he could and linked his arm around my waist. “Look, the two of you need to set an example for the pack. Our culture and our roots are based heavily in Haventon and the old beliefs of the spiritual connection between two souls. The soul connection for us comes first, the physical later.”
“Well, we aren’t the typical mated couple,” Brandon said, defending our actions.
“Brandon, you grew up in this world, with our way of life. Do you feel any closer to Lacey this morning?”
He looked at his hand in mine, and then, at my face. “Not in the same way I’ve been told it would be. But my need for her is different than it was.”
“Because you’ve changed the rules. You focused on your worldly desires instead of those in the other realm.”
“So, you’re saying because our hormones got in the way, that we’ll never have a deeper connection?” I asked. Brandon squeezed my hand, probably wanting me to back off with my attitude.
“I’m afraid it’s a little more severe than that. See, because you’ve decided to solidify your human bond first, you may never transform.”
“What?” Brandon stood swiftly from the bed. “You’re wrong. There’s no way she’s not going to transform. She has to.”
“No, she doesn’t. If she continues to embrace her humanity, the werewolf gene will continue to subside.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. Brandon and I had a deep connection last night. We went to Haventon afterward. I refuse to believe you.” I shook my head violently, making the room fuzzy. My thoughts scattered. The light drained out of the room, along with all the air. Brandon caught me before my face smacked onto the floor.
When I awoke from my sleepless dream, it was already noon and the hammering pace of the construction had doubled, which explained the pounding in my head. The room was desolate, with barely any light seeping in the window. The conversation with Serena weighed heavy on my shoulders. If she was right, then with one stupid act, I’d sealed Brandon’s fate. He would die, and it’d be my fault. The Amana’s would lynch me for killing their future leader, although if Brandon died, I’d die anyway. Maybe the black wolf was a prophecy for the bad choices I’d made. The last time the black wolf came to me,
I was fighting to hold onto Alex. Maybe the wolf knew I was doing anything to fight against everyone’s expectation.
Every muscle in my body knotted and twisted onto each other as I slid off the bed and into my tennis shoes. There was no point in trying to prevent the inevitable. If the pack planned on executing me, now was a good a time as any.
“Hey,” Lily said when I pulled open the door. She sat on the floor in the hallway with her Barbie in hand; her face red and streaked with tears. Why anyone would share what happened with a pre-teen baffled me.
“Hey.” I claimed the spot next to her on the floor. She needed a friend, and so did I. “You okay?”
“Bailey said she’s going to be mated with Brandon now. She said you couldn’t bond with him anymore because of something that happened last night. What happened, Lacey?” She sobbed. “Why can’t you bond with Brandon? Did they put another spell on you?”
I looped my arm across her shoulders and she rested her head into the crook of my neck. Lily had no faith in Brandon or me anymore. Even though I wanted to go to the movies and get away from camp so badly that I couldn’t think straight, obviously, it affected all my other decisions, too. I didn’t really hold out much hope for us either.
“Can I borrow her?” Brea said, coming down the hallway towards Lily and me. The bags under her eyes rivaled the sizes of the ones she came to camp with.
“It’ll be okay, we’ll figure it out.” I urged Lily off the floor, and then, got up to walk back into my room to have some privacy with Brea.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked as soon as the door clicked shut.
“I didn’t know!” She throws herself onto Lily’s bed. “You guys only went to Haventon at the movies. I didn’t know you guys were planning on doing it. I thought Brandon knew better.”
“Why didn’t you tell me though? Couldn’t you have at least warned me? What’s going to happen to us?”
“Michael sent word to the other packs to send their healers. They think Brandon will come down with the sickness soon.” I swallowed back my own sickness churning in my stomach. Brandon could linger and I didn’t think I could handle that.
“What do we do in the meantime?” I slumped onto the bed next to her and leaned on her for the support I desperately needed. She wanted to tell me things would be okay,
but she didn’t. Sugar coating the situation wouldn’t get us anywhere.
“We wait. There’s nothing we can do.”
“So, we just wait to… die?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying. Serena will come up with something. I heard Nicole telling Lucia that Serena and Emile were already gathering supplies to try new ways to strengthen your connection with Brandon.”
So much for my brief reprieve from potions and spells and magic. Magic. My mother’s journal. I needed time to focus my energy there and learn from our past. It had to give us an insight into the future.
“Lacey?” Brandon opened the bedroom door.
“Yeah,” I replied, but stayed curled up in Brea’s arms. The melancholy look on his face hurt more than Emile’s chiding. “Come in.” The corner of my mouth curled up into a slight smirk at the situation we were in. If neither of us were werewolves, the day would have gone totally different. Sure, it would have been awkward the morning after, but the look on his face wasn’t hey-thanks-for-the-great-night kind of awkward.
“Can we talk?” he asked and eyed Brea. “Alone?”
“Yeah. Sorry, Brandon.” She scurried out of the room. I didn’t blame her. If I didn’t have to deal with this, I wouldn’t either.
“Lacey,” he sat close to me on the bed and took my hands in his, “don’t worry about what they said. Okay?”
“Brandon, but…”
“No, please. I mean it. Don’t listen to them. Just focus on us, on this. We’ll figure the rest out.”
“Did you know?” I fought back tears that threatened to flow from my lashes.
He didn’t want to admit it, but he had to. “Sort of. I knew that we were supposed to have our union ceremony and both transform before…”
“Why did you agree then? Why didn’t you tell me?”