October Joy (Moments In Paradise 1)

by Melanie Wilber

  ‘It’s not about me,’ she would tell herself. ‘I’ll do this even if it kills me.’

  Well, it had killed her. It had killed her faith, joy, and any measure of self-worth she had started with, which wasn’t much. She had been living that way for a long time, especially since moving to Minneapolis. A few women in the church there had been especially hurtful. They had all kinds of traditions and wanted everything done a certain way, but they didn’t want to head up any of it. That was her place according to their unwritten laws, and she was fine with keeping traditions and serving them, but they expected her to do it all perfectly--the way they thought it should be done, and she never got it right.

  Not all the women were that way. Many of them seemed to appreciate her and praised her efforts. Some of them had become her friends, and others had needed her friendship and care, and she had been there for them. But anyone’s criticism always seemed to outweigh any sense of adequacy and fruitfulness she could see. Levi would tell her, ‘Ignore it. Don’t worry about it. You’re doing the best you can.’ But she couldn’t shut out the pain.

  Andrew had said something to her the other night that helped. After she told him about all of her perceived failures others had been so willing to point out to her, he’d said, “You weren’t wrong, Sarah. You were doing your best. You were wronged by them. They were the wrong ones, not you.”

  She knew what Andrew said about Jesus was true also. He would have been lonely at times. He had certainly been rejected. And she supposed in his humanness He would have felt inadequate. He knew what shame felt like--the shame of being made into a laughingstock; the shame of being mocked; the shame of being told, ‘You did it wrong. That’s not the way we do things here. You’re not anything special. Why should we listen to you? You call yourself the Son of God? Ha! Everyone knows you can’t heal on the Sabbath. Everyone knows the Messiah will be a great ruler of Israel, not someone pathetic like you.’

  ‘I’m just pointing this out to you, Sarah, because we strive for excellence in this church.’

  ‘The people in Kansas City may have liked it this way, but we want to give our best effort to the people in this community.’

  ‘Sarah, I know you’re a quiet person, but you are the pastor’s wife. You need to take some initiative with the women, or they’re going to think you don’t like them.’

  ‘That’s great you want to have a women’s Bible study, but we need to entertain them to get them in the door.’

  ‘That was a really good talk you gave, but you forgot to tell the women they could take the table centerpieces home when you were done.’

  ‘That was a good idea, Sarah, but we think it would work better this way. We hope you don’t mind we rearranged everything--we knew you wouldn’t. You’re so sweet.’

  ‘Thanks for putting together the luncheon even though Levi’s death is still so fresh. I think everyone understands it wasn’t quite up to par because of that.’

  “I wasn’t wrong,” she whispered to herself, truly believing that for the first time. “I was wronged. Just like Jesus.”

  And it wasn’t just the women. Even her own family had wronged her at times. Even those she loved.

  ‘I’m sorry, dear. I can’t have lunch with you today after all. Martin called me this morning and said he really needs to go over those budget numbers again before the meeting tonight, so I’m having lunch with him instead.’

  ‘Mom! You’re flying off to California with this guy you just met? Are you really that gullible to think he actually cares about you?’

  Yes, she knew the sufferings of God’s heart. She knew them well. She knew what it was like to see her children grow up and live independent lives away from her. She knew what it was like to lose someone so precious to her. She knew what it was like to be misunderstood by others. And she also knew she had done the same to God many times. How could you take Levi from me? Don’t you love me at all? Don’t you know how much I need him? Why did you give him to me if you were going to take him away?

  It made perfect sense, but she had never thought about God being hurt by the thoughts and actions of His people. And putting herself in His place took very little effort. She could understand the heart of God, and He could understand hers.

  She decided to call Chandler and Faye that night to tell them about her engagement. She had been putting it off because she was afraid of how they were going to react, especially Faye. But after dinner she told Andrew she wanted to and asked him to pray for her. He offered to call them like Grace had suggested, but she felt like she needed to do it herself, and she felt more prepared to handle negative reactions from them. Chandler didn’t sound too surprised, and his support carried her into placing the call to Faye, but she knew it would be the more difficult one.

  “Hi, it’s me,” she said. “Your long-lost mother.”

  “Hi, Mom. How are you?”

  “I’m good. How are you?”

  “Fine,” she said. “When are you coming back?”

  “I’m not sure yet. But I have something to tell you.”

  “What?”

  “Andrew asked me to marry him, and I said yes.”

  Dead silence followed. Sarah gave her daughter a moment to let the news sink in, and then she said something else. She wanted Faye to know she didn’t need to worry about her.

  “He’s a really good man, sweetie. I know you’ll think so too once you have a chance to meet him. He’s a lot like your dad.”

  “Dad wouldn’t do this.”

  “Do what?”

  “Take some woman halfway across the country.”

  She didn’t respond to that.

  “People here are saying things, Mom. It’s embarrassing.”

  “What are they saying?”

  Silence.

  “Faye? What are they saying?”

  “That you knew Andrew before.”

  “Before what?”

  “Before the conference, before Dad died, and now that he’s gone, you can be with him.”

  Sarah almost laughed. Sometimes the things women came up with absolutely amazed her. They watched way too many talk-shows and soap operas. “Is that what you think?”

  “Is it true?”

  “No,” she said calmly, knowing she had absolutely no reason to hold any shame for what she was doing. She wasn’t doing anything wrong no matter what others thought! “I never cheated on your dad, Faye, and I never knew Andrew before last week. I don’t even want to know who you heard that from, but it’s not true, and I think you know that.”

  Faye started crying. “Then why are you doing this?”

  “Because I love him. I need him. What’s wrong with that?”

  “Nothing, it’s just--”

  “It’s just what? Your dad hasn’t been gone very long?”

  “Yes. It doesn’t seem right.”

  “It doesn’t seem right to you because you’re not the one it’s happening to, sweetie. I am, and it seems crazy, but it also feels right to me. And if you don’t understand or agree or want to be happy for me, I can’t force you to, but you know what?”

  “What?”

  “You can’t spend your life telling everyone else how to live theirs. I’ve known a lot of women like that, and they’re miserable to be around. I’ve let women like that control me for a long time, but I’m not going to do it anymore. I’m not living to please anyone but Jesus from now on, and I know He is pleased with me because I’m trusting Him with this. Even if no one else agrees with the choices I’m making, I know He does.”

  “How do you know?” she asked, sounding curious rather than doubtful.

  “Because I asked Him, and He told me.”

  Faye was quiet for several moments.

  “I know this is hard for you, sweetie. Losing your dad, and me being gone too, but you’re married now. You have Jamison, and I know you love him. Cherish him. Embrace your husband. Don’t get too busy for each other. Make your relationship with God and with each other the top priority
. And let those two things coexist. You don’t have to sacrifice one for the other. You need them both.”

  Faye responded after a moment, saying the words quietly as if she was ashamed of the truth. “We’ve been thinking of trying to find a different church. Jamison doesn’t really like it there, and it’s hard for me to be there without Dad. Do you think that would be okay?”

  “Yes. You and Jamison need to do what’s best for you, and no one else can tell you what that is. Only God. Let Him lead you and go.”

  ***

  Andrew had gone into the front room to give Sarah some privacy while she made her phone calls in his office, but he kept his ears open for any crying. She was on the phone for quite some time, but he only heard her steady voice and some laughter toward the end. He knew that had to be a good sign.

  It felt a little cold in the house tonight, so he turned on the gas fireplace and was starting to feel its warmth when she came to sit with him. She looked happy and relieved, and he felt the same. He had been concerned Sarah might change her mind if her children had a serious problem with her marrying him. He didn’t know if she had it in her to go against their wishes if their protests rang loud enough.

  “That sounded like it went well,” he said.

  “Yes. It was a little rough with Faye at first, but fortunately she believed me instead of whoever started some outrageous rumors.”

  “What rumors?”

  “That we’ve been lovers for quite some time.”

  “You’re not serious.”

  “Oh yes. I am.”

  “Wow,” he said like he honestly couldn’t believe people could be that cruel to her. “I’m sorry, Sarah. It’s never been my intention to dishonor you in any way.”

  “I know that. It’s not you. It’s them.”

  “It’s not you either. I’ve only known you for ten days, but I know you would never be capable of that. Levi would never think that either.”

  She laughed. “No, he wouldn’t. He had a difficult enough time getting me to--how should I say this? Um--Let’s just say I came from a very modest family where even my mother didn’t talk with me about--you know.”

  Andrew knew exactly what she meant because Annika had been the same way with him in the beginning stages of their marriage. He used to call her ‘shy girl’ as a pet name when they were alone together.

  Kissing Sarah with a hint of intimacy, he said playfully, “Talk with you about what?”

  She laughed.

  “Did you notice I started the fireplace for us?” he asked.

  “I noticed that.”

  “I love you, Sarah. I think you’re beautiful, and I can’t wait to be with you.”

  He kissed her in a gently passionate way. Sitting back to look into her eyes, he told her something he wanted her to know.

  “When I kiss you, I’m kissing you, Sarah. Not Annika. I loved her very much, and I’ve missed her, but you feel different to me. I know I’m with you when I’m with you.”

  She smiled. “And I know I’m with you. I didn’t think I could ever love anyone like I loved Levi. But I do. I’m beginning another lifetime with you. I don’t feel forty-eight. I feel twenty-five.”

  “Me too,” he said.

  He had been looking for the right time to remove his ring, and it seemed appropriate now. He had almost done so during his lunch-hour of fasting and prayer yesterday, but he heard Jesus telling him to wait, and now he knew why.

  Releasing Sarah momentarily, he slipped it off with relative ease and felt emotional, but not about letting go of Annika. He had done that a long time ago but had kept the ring as a memory of her. The flood of emotions that came over him now were about Sarah. She was exactly the woman he needed, and God’s faithfulness overwhelmed him at the thought. Only He could have known the one woman who would make him feel this way again.

  He handed Sarah the ring and said he wanted her to keep it someplace safe for him. “I know Annika would trust you with my heart, Sarah, and I don’t want you to ever feel threatened by her memory. I loved her. I love you the same. And this is our time.”

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  “I know I’ve been saying this over and over about the people you’ve had to meet here,” Andrew said before they got into the car on Friday morning. “But I mean this more than any other time I’ve said it. You do not need to worry about meeting my parents. They are the most laid-back, welcoming people you will ever meet in your life, and they couldn’t be happier I’ve finally met someone to share my life with again. They loved Annika because I loved her, and they will love you too, Sarah.”

  “Okay,” she said, not feeling worried about it. In addition to Andrew’s reassuring words, she had Jesus telling her the same thing. She had been hearing His comforting voice ever since Andrew had suggested this earlier in the week.

  The drive was pleasant and not that long. The ocean was in view some of the time, and Sarah felt like she couldn’t get enough of the beautiful sight. Her mind wasn’t on meeting Andrew’s parents as much as how long she was going to remain here before returning to Minneapolis to pack up the house and take care of whatever else she needed to do before making a permanent move to California. She was also wondering when she and Andrew would be getting married.

  When Andrew asked what was on her mind, she told him, and he said he wanted them to talk about that while they were away. They were planning to spend the night in Monterey, travel a little further down the coast tomorrow morning, and spend a romantic day in Carmel before returning home tomorrow evening.

  But first things first, and meeting his mom and dad did go well. She wasn’t surprised by their laid-back friendliness Andrew had described, but she was surprised by their more reserved and quiet natures: like herself. She had expected at least one of them to be very much like Andrew, but his mom definitely didn’t have his extroverted personality, and his dad wasn’t like that either. She had learned a lot about Andrew from his children this week, but their stories were about him as their dad. Today she got to see him as a son. A son neither of his parents were quite sure had fallen from their tree. His two older brothers were more quiet and introverted like his parents, but Andrew had been the opposite from his earliest days.

  Sarah was helping his mother, Violet Morgan, make some lunch for all of them when she got to hear more about that. Violet had never seen Andrew mope around about anything until he was fifteen years old and they had moved from Sioux City. Andrew had been involved and popular at his school, and moving away from all of his friends was the only thing that had ever gotten him down in life up to that point.

  “I was seriously worried about him for a few weeks after we made the move,” she said. “He wasn’t himself at all, and I wondered if we had made a mistake in taking him away from everything he had there. He’d always been so social, I didn’t think it would be a problem for him, but he had become close to more friends there than I realized. I thought he was just having fun, being the life of the party, but he had invested a lot into those relationships, and taking him away from all that wasn’t as simple as making some new friends.”

  Sarah had already heard part of this from Andrew, and she interrupted his mother. “Until he met Annika?”

  “Yes,” she laughed. “He’d been sweet on other girls before, but not like that. Once he met her and started working at her daddy’s farm, he bounced back pretty fast.”

  Something occurred to Sarah she hadn’t thought of before. Had he become like that after Annika died? Had the man she’d met last week been someone who had already been back to his normal self long before he met her, or had she brought that out in him? Grace had said something to her one day this week about him being “back”, but she hadn’t thought about it much at the time.

  “After we lost Annika I remembered that time in his life. I saw my fifteen-year-old again for the first time in thirty years. Nothing ever got Andy down for long, but losing Anni took the life right out of him. I remembered his previous heartbreak of moving had resul
ted in his greatest joy in life, and I knew it would take much longer than a few weeks for him to recover from losing Anni, but I knew he would and God would give him whatever he needed.

  “I saw that happening when the church began to grow like it did. That brought back a lot of his life and spirit, but I knew he still had further to go, and I’ve just been waiting for the day when he would call and say, ‘I met her. The one who makes me feel whole again.’”

  “So you aren’t surprised he met me last week and we’re engaged this week?”

  “No, not at all. That’s my Andrew. Always has been. And if you haven’t figured this out yet, he will love you like there’s no tomorrow.”

  ***

  On Friday evening Grace and James went to the high school football game to watch some of the boys in the youth group play and to see Tabby cheer. Afterwards they went out with Ryan and Tabby, and she had so much fun. She wasn’t a teenager anymore, but with James she felt like one. She could step back to a time in her life that had been carefree and happy, but she wouldn’t wake up tomorrow and find it had been a temporary escape. This was her life. This was her future, and she could smile at it.

  This morning her dad had taken Sarah to meet her grandparents in Monterey, and on Saturday James took her to San Jose to meet his family. She had met some of them before when they visited the church, but this time she met everyone at once, including his two siblings who were married and lived in the area. He had an older sister and three younger brothers.

  She looked through some photo albums with him and his mom, and they also watched some home movies. James and his twin brother had been identical, and seeing them playing together and enjoying the same activities gave her a greater sense of what James had lost. She knew if Tommy was still here, they would be close and a part of each other’s lives. He was close to his other brothers, but having younger siblings wasn’t the same as having a twin.