“I’ll ask Gillian if we can have an extra hour before check-out. Maybe vacate two rooms, though? So we only take up one and she can clean. We need to get the fur off this and blood off the bathroom floor. Can you do that?”
He wagged his tail.
“I have to find Kage. Others also, but I really need to talk to Kage. He won’t let me apologize.” I shut my eyes.
Andrew licked my hand, making me jump, then pushed himself to his feet. His legs were weirdly long, reminding me of Jason calling Darius an ostrich. This in turn made me think of Darius and Rebecca and what we were here for. Even if we weren’t doing a very good job we were out here: doing more than anyone else right now. We were trying. Sort of. We could be trying a lot harder.
Andrew coughed, hanging his head, ribs puffing with each heaving, retching cough. After several of these, he gasped, staggered, and made his plodding way the few steps into the bathroom.
I drew up my knees and pressed my face into them while he changed.
Andrew returned in a minute, breathless, but sounding much better, naked aside from the red shorts.
“See my glasses?” Scanning the room as he emerged from the bathroom. Before I could spot the things he had crossed to the bedside table and put them on. “Also … anything else I might need for the day?”
“Your clothes are there in the chair. Have any of you packed?”
“We travel light. Ready to go in minutes.” He grabbed up his clothes and returned to the bathroom. He didn’t close the door, but I could only see a small edge of the bathroom from here anyway.
While he dressed, he talked to me. “You’ll find Kage along the beck probably. Jason moping about somewhere out of his range. I don’t know about the others. Your Arctic prince is too responsible to stay away, though. He knows we have to go. I’d focus on Kage, if I were you. Just as you said.”
“Any idea how his eyes were this morning?”
“He was getting around. Might be a while before he can drive again, but a few more changes and some time should sort him. You worry too much for our health, darling. We wolves know we’re invincible.”
“Yes, you all ‘knowing’ something like that I’m sure is part of the problem around here. But only part. I’m the biggest problem.”
“You can’t help that.”
“Thank you. At least for not denying it.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t presume.” He stepped back out of the bathroom in socks and leather bike pants like Jason’s, shaking out a Henley in his hands, looking for his boots. “Doesn’t mean you’re not also the solution, darling. Don’t lose heart.”
“That ship has sailed,” I murmured.
Andrew left the boots, pulled his shirt over his head, and sat down on the floor beside me, readjusting his glasses.
“What’s that about?” he asked, really looking at me then and I met his eyes. “You can’t lose heart already. You just got back.”
“I shouldn’t have come back—”
“Balls, bullshit, and poppycock.” Andrew snorted. “Don’t go all self-pity on us. Shit happens. Mistakes happen and disagreements happen. Death happens.” He looked into my eyes, not over his glasses, but straight on, expression hard. “And you go on. Not because you ‘have to.’ Or you want to. Or because it’s easy. Or you have a noble aim. You go on because you don’t make all the choices. This isn’t your world. You go on because someone raised you and loved you and put you here. Because you have friends and family—and lovers—who are looking to you; and you to them. Because living your life means going on. When you stumble, you go on. When you are hurt, you go on. When you royally fuck up, you go on. And when people die … you still go on. That’s living.”
I looked back into his eyes. I didn’t feel confused or fractured or tearful anymore. Not that I felt “better.” But feeling better hadn’t been what I’d needed in the first place. Zar trying to make me feel better had made me feel worse.
I felt … calmer. Because shit happens. Because things could be worse. I’d always kept going with my life before.
“Andrew? I’m really sorry about Sarah. That you had to go through that. And still are.”
He turned his face to look straight ahead at the opposite wall.
“I’m also sorry about last night. I shouldn’t have been underfoot when you all were trying to deal with the situation yourselves.”
“Sorry to have snapped at you.” He still looked ahead.
“Don’t be. I’m glad you said something. I don’t like it. I want to help if you’re suffering, if there’s anything I can do. But I understand.”
He nodded.
After a pause in which I also watched the wall, I said, “I have to find Kage. Mind if I bring mine and Isaac’s bags in here? So my room is clear? You’ll tidy up? And I’ll ask Gillian if we can have extra time just taking up one room. Zar is next door. I’ll tell him.”
Another nod. Then, “We were all assuming you were more … familiar with Kage already.” He glanced at me. “You honestly just slept in the bed with them for … what? Three nights? And that was it?”
“I don’t see why that’s your business, but yes. That’s what Kage was yelling about on Monday morning, wasn’t it? I wouldn’t have him, but fine with Jason, even though Kage, not Jason, was the one who cared?”
“Yeah, it was. In far more lively language. I mean, he has a point.” Andrew shrugged. “Not that it’s my business either, naturally, but how much more warning about Jason did you need?”
“This wasn’t Jason’s fault.” I sighed again. “It was mine. Which I need to explain to Kage. Kage can go on hating me, but I can’t stand being the cause of the rift between them. It seems like they’ve broken up over me.”
“They have, but, come again?” Andrew batted this aside. “Jason wasn’t behind this? I must have missed something in my estimation of you, Belle. Seducing gay blokes in lonely country inns?”
“Well … yeah … I guess it was Jason’s idea. You’re right. But it was my fault because I didn’t listen to my own instincts and say no, it would upset Kage. Rather than that I thought Kage would be pleased about it because he envisioned the three of us in some sort of love triangle.”
Andrew gazed at me for a moment, blank. Then away.
“What?”
“Don’t kid yourself, darling. You’re in a love heptagon. More importantly, however, I was nearly certain we’d already discussed Jason. Hmm?”
“What about him? He didn’t mean for this to happen. He’s devoted to Kage. He didn’t put one over on me, or seduce me or force me.”
“Quite sure about that, are you?”
“Andrew—” I shook my head, resisting rolling my eyes or any patronizing smiles. “Don’t be ridiculous. I was there. Jason miscalculated how Kage would feel about something. I made the mistake of agreeing, even though I had misgivings. I knew Kage was upset, grieving, and I should have thought but I didn’t. We didn’t mean for anyone to get hurt.”
“Oh.” Andrew looked at the wall.
I waited but he said no more. “Now what is it?”
“Nothing. As you wisely noted, your business. Hope you find Kage.”
I nodded, getting to my feet. “I’m really glad you’re all right, Andrew. Head and throat and … everything. You saved us last night with the book.”
“Anytime.”
No more than five steps to the door. Yet something seemed to stagnate in that time in my brain. Something about my own instincts. That night. Jason’s tentative proposal in bed. Kage’s reaction. Then Jason coming to me. And saying … saying…
I turned, hand on the knob. Andrew still sat on the floor, looking at the wall, apparently lost in thought.
“You can’t honestly think … Jason did this on purpose.”
It took him a moment to drag his gaze from the meditative stare. “What? Oh … surely not, darling.”
“Kage is livid with him. Jason wouldn’t have done that deliberately. Not in a million years.”
; Andrew looked at the wall.
“Unless he thought … Kage would be mad at me … and not at him? Or Kage would forgive him sooner or later, let Jason back, and I’d be the ultimate loser.”
I’m sorry, Cassia. I had no idea. Why had he apologized to me like that? I hadn’t blamed him. But … if he’d thought I might blame him…
Jason just wasn’t like that to me, though. No dark star. No spurned lover.
You thought he was the nice wolf?
He was kind to me. Always. He wouldn’t do this to me anymore than to himself. He only made a mistake.
A mistake immediately after I took him to task about teasing Jed? One of his favorite pastimes? Threatened him? Said he and Kage might have to go home, that I wouldn’t put up with him?
That … no…
I couldn’t start believing things like that of my own pack or where did it end?
Dark star. Someone who misleads, offers false fronts, or otherwise is not who they appear to be. Generally calculating, not only two-faced, sometimes dangerous. Being called a dark star is never a compliment and it’s usually a warning.
“Andrew?”
He looked at me.
“Do you think, honestly, for real, that Jason would have—?” I stopped abruptly, Andrew gazing back into my eyes. “I’m going to find Kage.”
I left. Quickly, head spinning with different kinds of betrayals. There were mistakes, accidents, unintended hurts. There were good intentions gone wrong. Then there were the kinds of betrayals that best fit the word.
I packed up my room, brought mine and Isaac’s bags back to Andrew’s, asked Zar to please speak to Gillian for us and clean up his own room and get their things moved, then headed out to the garden, almost at a run.
I’d hardly reached the fruit trees when I ran into Jason.
Chapter 24
Jason sat on the stone bench that Kage had previously knocked him into and broken his elbow. He held a windfall branch, prodding the damp earth, shoulders hunched in, face downturned—a picture of desolation, alone in the bright garden.
So many thoughts and feelings and contradictions raced through my mind at sight of him I actually had to stop, take a deep breath, give myself a moment.
Say something? Ask? Don’t? Drop hints? Take him at face value? Never confront him but torment myself wondering? Assume the best? Assume the worst?
Jason had heard my step, however, and he looked up.
“Cassia?” He stood, dropping the stick and wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.
While my mind still did cartwheels, he met me on the path and hugged me.
“Thank you.” He spoke softly into my hair, his embrace also gentle. “I saw Kage fighting that thing last night and I couldn’t get there. Andrew said you were helping him when he was totally blind. Thank you.”
“Jason?” I stepped back, trying to look into his nearly black eyes, taking his hand in mine as it trailed down my arm. “You still have a fever.” I pushed back hair on his brow, feeling his burning forehead, damp with a mist of sweat.
“It’ll pass. I’ll be all right. I’d be delirious if they hadn’t got me to change. It can do funny things to a wolf. Isaac probably still has one too. At least the wounds closed up with a couple changes. That one Kage had from Dieter was worse…”
“You already were delirious. You were talking about something that happened to you and Andrew, how someone was going to make you one each.”
“One each of what?”
“I have no idea.”
“Was that last night?”
“You don’t remember?”
He shook his head. “I hardly remember the drive home. Then … there was a light in my eyes. Switch talking to me … I guess that was in the room. Then I woke up in the night in fur. Kage was sick in the bathroom from the bites even though he’d changed. I went in there and he got me water. There was a bottle on the floor and he let me drink out of his hand. I guess we fell asleep on the floor because Andrew was trying to get him back into bed later. That was it, until I woke up this morning and changed.”
“You shouldn’t be driving. You look terrible. You should be in bed with a fever reducer and liquids. Have you been up walking around all morning?”
“I was scared to let Kage go because he can’t see. He only went down to the beck and I tried to stick with him. He wouldn’t have it. I’ve just been wandering around, keeping an eye on him.”
“He’s seeing some, though, right?
“A bit. Got out to the beck fine. But he needs help. Or he needs to change again and he can’t. Not here in daylight.”
“He’s still at the beck now? Have you seen Jed or Isaac?”
“Isaac? No. Jed was out on the trails. He’ll be back. We have to go, don’t we?”
“Yes … but I’m not sure how. Will you please go up to your room with Andrew and lie down for a while? You can’t—”
“Kage—”
“I’m going to talk to Kage. Go on.”
Five bikes. Four drivers.
Time to check out.
Six hours to drive home…
How quickly racing thoughts could jump to a whole new track.
By the time I found Kage, lying on his back on smooth, sunny river stones, apparently asleep, those thoughts were more and more a jumble.
The burbling sound of the beck hid my steps as I approached through the trees in dappled light and shadow.
“Kage?”
He sat up quickly, glancing around, then away, turning and scrambling to his feet.
“Please don’t. Kage, I just wanted to talk and let you know we’re getting ready to go.”
Apparently he could see just well enough because he made his way through the trees, heading for the field, though away from me. He kept a hand out for tree branches but seemed to know his direction, moving slower than he normally would.
“I’m sorry about what happened with Jason. We never meant to hurt you. You must know that.”
He walked on, awkward but going stronger. He never even acknowledged me—other than to escape.
It wasn’t like Kage not to go in for an argument. This, I suspected, was a combination of his contempt for me right now and not wanting me to see him in a compromised state. Hurt in more ways than one. Chased, cornered, trapped: none were going to make things right between us. Yet, watching him go, making a wide circuit around me before heading back toward the house, I felt a deepening oppression that things never would be right. Last night should have broken barriers. Instead, it had made more.
He’d saved my life. Again. Something Kage was strikingly good at. But that didn’t mean we were pals now.
I leaned against a silver birch trunk to watch him go, turning to see him out in the open and heading for the gate at a better pace. This left me facing Jed.
Jed, it transpired, was not out on the trails at all. He sat, rucksack beside him, on another sunny patch of stones, working on one of his leather projects. Boots on, bag ready, it seemed he was just waiting for the sound of a motorcycle engine to alert him to our departure and he would join the pack.
He’d been distracted from his work by watching me. Black stubble again on his face, curly hair a mess, he looked like he’d just rolled out of bed—as he so often did.
I didn’t care about any of this. Nor his lurking and my not having known he was there. What bothered me about him, once more, was the smile.
“What?” I asked. “You think it’s amusing that Kage was hurt?”
“Not amusing, no.” He went back to his work. “Only … well-deserved. But you’re amusing.”
“Is that so?”
“Chasing after him? Groveling? Just like the bitch he already has? No wonder he calls you by the same name.”
“Jed?”
He looked around at me.
“Why did you just sit there and watch Isaac strangling Andrew and not intervene?”
“That wasn’t my fight. Anyway, I’d have strangled him myself before now but
he has the sense to keep farther away from me. He probably didn’t think Isaac would really do anything because Isaac is your pet. A good pet wants to show off all his best house manners for his mistress, doesn’t he?”
“What did he say to Isaac after Isaac told him off about barging in on us?”
Jed started, then hesitated, narrowing his eyes. “Why are you asking me?”
“No one else would tell me. But you’re so vicious and spiteful and nasty to everyone when you’re in skin—including me, though I have no idea why you’re lashing out at me again—I thought maybe you’d say.”
He watched me for several more seconds, then dropped his gaze. He went back to his work.
“Well?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Don’t tell me you’re passing up an opportunity to make both of them look bad. And insult me into the bargain? Surely they can’t have said anything so horrible you wouldn’t want to use it against them by sharing with me?”
Jed’s shoulders hunched over his work and he went on stitching.
“Why do you do this? Have I done something that’s upset you also?”
Nothing.
It had been a while since Jed had lashed out at me like this. Before he’d let me into secrets of his life that his own brother didn’t know. Before I’d said I wouldn’t let his silvers put the cuff back on him. Before we’d played fetch.
Maybe that was why it stung so much.
“We can be friends when you’re in fur, but that’s all?” I asked. “Then you have to go back to being an ass because … what? Because I told Kage I was sorry? Because it bothers me that one of you would throttle another while a third sits there watching?”
He still went on working.
“If you’re so miserable in skin that you can’t help being nasty to someone, and it bothers you so much that I care about people like Kage and Jason and Andrew, do me a favor next time: bite the fucking river.” I stalked away, nails digging into my palms.
And here I’d thought Jed and I were actually friends. That we’d come such a long way. Apparently not.
I was just a worm, after all.
Bloody worm.
Maybe Zar would punch someone and this morning would be complete.
Moonlight Betrayal: A Reverse Harem Shifter Romance (The Witch and the Wolf Pack Book 5) Page 14