Aftermath

by Tracy Brown

  When he was out of his winter gear and standing hand-in-hand with Lily, she led him toward his mother. Shane froze when he saw Misa sitting on the sofa. She stood to greet him and he turned as if to run back toward the social worker. Lily caught Shane by the hand. She scooped him up in her arms as she saw the frightened expression on his face. None of them could know the horrors the poor child had suffered at the hands of the animal who’d abused him. It was clear that whatever had happened to Shane was something so dreadful that he was tormented by it whenever he looked at his mother.

  Misa was only beginning to comprehend the fullness of the damage that had been done to her only child. She felt so unworthy of him. He was better than her, even at his young age. He was pure, undamaged—or at least he had been. She had robbed him of that; it had been her selfishness that had cost her son his innocence. So when Shane clung to his grandmother and didn’t face his mother anymore, Misa was fine with that. She felt she deserved it.

  The social worker watched, took note that Misa made no move toward her child as he ran from her. She watched as Misa looked at the floor as if too ashamed to look anyone in the eye.

  Lily comforted Shane.

  “It’s okay, baby,” she cooed in his ear, soothing him enough to stop his squirming at least. “Shane, say hi to Mommy.” Lily didn’t dare put him down as he clung to her, his little arms wrapped around her neck like a vise grip.

  Misa glanced at them, then at Ms. Thomas. The social worker cleared her throat and spoke to the seemingly fragile young woman before her.

  “Try talking to him, Ms. Atkinson,” she addressed Misa. “It may take several visits before he begins to feel comfortable around you again.”

  Misa’s facial expression changed drastically. She looked pissed and her brow was furrowed. “I know how to make my son feel comfortable.”

  Ms. Thomas bit her tongue. She wanted to point out that the opposite was evident, but she kept her mouth shut. Instead, she looked at Shane and nodded.

  “Okay, then. Perhaps you can try to talk to him, coax him to interact with you.”

  Misa sat silent and let the words marinate in her mind.

  “… coax him to interact with you.”

  She knew it was her fault that her only child, her sweet three-year-old son, needed to be coaxed into interacting with her. She thought of all the times she’d abandoned him, leaving him with Camille or her mother—at times even leaving him with her girlfriends for a few hours—all in an effort to party or to chase after some man. She looked at her son and was ashamed of herself, of her selfishness, and knew that she had been a terrible mother thus far. And the person who’d paid the biggest price for that neglect had been Shane. She was so mad at herself now for having been such a poor mother.

  Misa stood slowly and forced herself to walk toward her son. He was still clinging to his grandmother and had his face buried in her neck. Misa stepped in close and rubbed his tiny back soothingly. She felt him tense slightly at her touch, but he didn’t cry, didn’t turn to face her, either. She spoke to him softly.

  “Hey, papa.” She looked at her mother and saw the encouraging smile on her face. Lily was willing her daughter to keep trying even though Shane wasn’t responding. “Mommy is so glad to see you. I missed you, Shane.”

  He didn’t budge. Instead, he nestled his face in closer to Lily’s neck, so close, in fact, that Lily could feel his warm breath rising and falling on her skin.

  Ms. Thomas watched like a hawk. “Let’s come into the living room,” she suggested. Lily nodded and led the way, still cradling her grandson in her arms. Once they got to the large, carpeted living room, Ms. Thomas held up Shane’s Backyardigans backpack. “We have some of Shane’s favorite toys,” she said. “Maybe it will help him relax and unwind if he’s able to play freely without pressure.” She looked at Misa. “I suggest that your mother and I sit nearby while you and Shane play on the floor with his toys. Hopefully, he will open up with time.”

  Misa nodded. She hoped that he would come around before their one-hour visit was over that afternoon. She took Shane’s backpack from Ms. Thomas and sat down Indian-style on the floor. She unzipped the pack and began pulling out the contents one by one, beginning with his favorite toy car.

  Misa pushed it around on the floor and made a vroom sound with her mouth as she did so. Shane peeked at her and decided she was having too much of a good time with his toy. He struggled to get down out of his grandmother’s arms and Lily placed him gently on the floor. He marched over to his mother and snatched his car out of her hand. Turning away from her, he walked a few feet away. He knelt down and pushed the car around himself.

  Misa looked in the direction of Ms. Thomas and her mother. The two women seemed to read each other’s minds as they simultaneously headed toward the adjacent dining room.

  “Would you like some coffee?” Lily asked.

  “Sure,” Ms. Thomas agreed. She sat down at the dining room table, watching Misa and Shane as Lily walked off toward the kitchen.

  Misa watched her baby playing with the car, glancing every few seconds in her direction to ensure she wasn’t coming any closer to him. Misa smiled at him, but Shane didn’t smile back. She watched him this way for close to twenty minutes, tried futilely to make conversation.

  “I remember the day we bought that car, Shane.”

  Silence.

  “It was the day that I took you to Toys ‘R’ Us for your birthday and told you that you could get whatever you wanted. And that was the only thing you wanted that day. Do you remember that day, Shane?”

  He didn’t respond.

  Misa reached into the bag and pulled out another toy—this time an action figure. “I remember this toy, too,” she said. “Your teacher, Mrs. Falco, gave it to you for Christmas last year.”

  Again, Shane stomped over and snatched the toy out of his mother’s hand before retreating to what he’d established as his turf on the other side of the carpeted room. Misa fought the urge to smile. He was so cute when he was being mean.

  She repeated the game they were now playing with each other for several more minutes, pulling a new toy out and telling a memory connected with it. Each time, Shane came over and confiscated his toy. And each time, Misa looked forward to Shane coming close to her and the feeling of his hand brushing against hers as he snatched his toy away.

  Ms. Thomas watched and took notes. She saw that Misa was being patient with her son and allowing him to retreat to his own space without pushing him. She noted this and watched as Misa pulled the final toy from the bag. It was a small bag of plastic army men. Misa hadn’t bought this for him, and she assumed that it was something Louis had gotten during the past few weeks. She decided to try a different approach this time.

  She opened up the plastic bag and emptied the army men out onto the carpet. Lining them up one behind the other, she began to make believe.

  In a raspy voice, she said, “Okay, listen up! This is Captain Mommy and I demand that all you soldiers pay attention!”

  She maneuvered one army piece so that it faced the others. Shane watched out of the corner of his eye while keeping a firm grip on the toys he’d already repossessed.

  Misa saw that she had his attention as she continued. “I have a big job for you today! Today, we’re going to be protecting someone very important. And that person…” Misa paused for added effect, “is Shane!”

  Shane seemed to be trying hard not to look interested. Ms. Thomas had to suppress a smile as she watched the adorable little boy giving his mother a sidelong glance.

  Misa dragged the plastic piece she’d christened Captain Mommy back and forth across the carpet in front of the other pieces, creating the illusion that the captain was pacing in front of his troops. “Lieutenant Grandma, step forward!”

  Misa pulled one of the other pieces forward to face Captain Mommy and changed her voice to a higher pitch. “Yes, Captain?”

  In her Captain Mommy voice, she addressed Lieutenant Grandma. “I need you
to make sure that Shane has all of the hugs and kisses he needs.”

  The Grandma piece agreed and then fell back into formation.

  Next Captain Mommy summoned Corporal Aunt Camille forward, and instructed her to give Shane all the yummy snacks he could ask for. Finally, Deputy Daddy was told to make sure that he tucked Shane in at night, to make sure that the boogie man didn’t come anywhere near Shane.

  Misa peeked at Shane and saw that he was staring directly at her now. He was swept up in the story so completely that for a moment he stopped seeing her as the person who delivered him up to the boogie man, and saw Mommy—Captain Mommy to be exact.

  She looked at Shane and finished her story. “And Captain Mommy’s job is to love Shane and to tell Shane that she’s so sorry for ever leaving him behind.” Her voice cracked and she felt emotional.

  His eyes locked with hers and she got teary. “Come here, papa.”

  Shane hesitated, and in that second Misa held her breath. Then he stood, his superhero action figure clutched tightly in one hand, and went to his mother. Misa pulled him into a tight embrace and sniffed in his scent, baby lotion and powder. Her tears finally fell and she hugged him, rocking him gently in her arms as she knelt on the floor. Lily watched from the dining room, her gaze alternating between the heartrending scene and the social worker diligently taking notes.

  Ms. Thomas glanced at her watch and cleared her throat again. Lily was beginning to realize that clearing her throat was a signal that she was about to speak up.

  “I’m afraid our time is up today,” Ms. Thomas said softly. “But it appears that we’ve made fast progress.”

  Misa seemed not to have heard her. Her eyes blissfully closed, she was hugging Shane close to her and rocking him in her arms. He clung to his mother, sensing her joy. Misa kissed his face and held it gently in her hands, his cheeks pushed together in the most adorable way. She smiled at Shane and, to her utter amazement, he smiled back.

  “Ms. Atkinson, we’re going to need to get going now.”

  Misa ignored the social worker’s prodding and Lily softly beseeched Ms. Thomas for just five more minutes. Begrudgingly, she acquiesced.

  Misa was speaking quietly to her son. “Mommy loves you, Shane. Remember that. I love you, and I’m coming back for you very soon. Ms. Thomas is going to take you back to Daddy and he’s going to make sure that you’re okay, just like I told you.” She kissed him again, hugged him. “And I’ll see you soon.”

  “Bye, Mommy,” Shane said softly.

  Misa smiled, her heart breaking just a little, and watched as Ms. Thomas led her son away. By the time Shane had his winter gear on and was being carried off to the car, Misa’s smile had given way to tears. But they were happy, hopeful tears this time. And she knew, as she fell into her mother’s arms and was comforted, that she had done the right thing after all. She’d kill Steven all over again if she could. Now, more than ever, Misa was determined to fight tooth and nail for her freedom so that she could get down to the business of rebuilding her relationship with her son.

  * * *

  Toya sat in the booth at Junior’s and waited, tapping her fingernails on the table impatiently. It was two-forty in the afternoon, which made her twenty minutes early for her meeting with her father. With every second that elapsed, she second-guessed herself.

  “What the fuck am I doing here?” she wondered aloud, ignoring the questioning glance from a passing waiter. She sighed, closed her eyes, and told herself to calm down. This would be the first time she was seeing her father since the night he’d broken into her house. Since then, a combination of her own conscience and the prodding of her brothers and her friends had given her the push she needed to call Nate. It had been an awkward telephone conversation, and Toya had paced the floor nervously as she spoke, finally ending the call by setting up a lunch meeting with him for the next day. And now here she was, dressed in all black as if Nate’s funeral were about to commence, and second-guessing herself.

  He arrived fifteen minutes early, only to find that Toya was already there. An involuntary smile crept across his aging face as he walked toward her table. Toya couldn’t help noticing that his walk was still the same, that old gangster diddy-bop she remembered watching as a child. He came to the booth and stood there for a moment, towering over her, smiling. She looked up at him expectantly and his smile broadened.

  “Hey, baby girl. Good to see you.”

  Toya nodded, shuddered a bit, and gestured at the seat across from her. Nate slid into the booth and clasped his hands together on top of the table. Silence fell between them as Nate took in the features of his only daughter’s face—her eyes that looked just like his own, her nose and mouth that were identical to her mother’s, and her cocoa skin. Toya cleared her throat and was happy for the distraction when the waiter came to take their orders.

  Once he did so, the waiter left and Nate leaned forward in the direction of his daughter. “I know it wasn’t easy for you to make that call to me, Latoya.” Nate was staring at her in a way that told her he was sincere. “I want to thank you for agreeing to meet with me today.”

  Toya detected a hint of sadness in his eyes. Gone was the mean, menacing, boisterous drunk who had bullied her family for years. In his place sat a frail old man with fear in his eyes—fear of his own impending death.

  Toya looked at her father unflinchingly. “I want you to say everything that you need to say today. This is the last time I plan to meet you, the last time I plan to even talk to you. So this is your chance to let it all out.” She sipped her water, set the glass back down and stared at him. “We got interrupted last time. So now I’m listening.”

  Nate looked at her, disappointed. He had hoped that when she called it was a signal that she was ready to forgive him. Apparently, that wasn’t the case.

  “I know I already said it, but I want you to know how sorry I am for the way I was … I realize how bad it was growing up with me as your father.”

  Toya nodded. It had been terrible.

  “I don’t know if this means anything to you, but I’m real proud of you. I remember when you were in high school and all the boys were checking you out.” Nate smiled, as if at some long-ago memory. “I used to tell you that all they wanted from you was sex, and I probably went about it all wrong.” He shook his head. “But my intentions were good. I didn’t want you being just another dumb broad out there in them streets, giving it up so easy when you’re worth more than that. I didn’t want you to end up with a whole bunch of kids by some no-good nigga, or sitting around waiting for a welfare check. So I said some mean things and from time to time I may have even embarrassed you.” Nate saw her eyes water a little. “But I just wanted you to be better than all them other girls out there; wanted you to be smarter, stronger than them.” He looked at his daughter and smiled. “And you are.”

  The waiter brought their food and Nate watched as Toya discreetly dabbed at her eyes with her napkin before spreading it across her lap. She wasn’t sure why she was crying. A combination of emotions were barraging her—anger, frustration, and surprisingly, sadness. When the waiter was gone, Toya dug in to her salad while Nate sliced his T-bone steak and watched her.

  “Look at you,” he said, smiling proudly. “You got your own real estate business, that big ol’ brownstone in Brooklyn. You got a beautiful car parked outside, diamonds on your fingers … you seem like you’re doing all right.”

  Toya nodded. She had done well for herself, and she knew it. “Thanks,” she managed.

  Nate chewed on his steak. “I can’t help noticing that you’re single. No kids. What’s up with that?” Nate asked. He wondered if he was to blame for that. He had instilled so much toughness in Toya that he hoped he hadn’t poisoned her mind about love in general. His warnings about men and their ulterior motives may have caused her to run from love and from commitment.

  Toya frowned. She didn’t really appreciate him questioning her. After all, what gave him the right? But she found hers
elf answering him anyway. “Ain’t nothing up with that. I don’t want any kids. Don’t want to disappoint them.” She shoved a forkful of salad in her mouth and watched her father chew on what she’d just said.

  Nate didn’t miss her barb. He nodded. “I bet you’d be a great mother, and a great wife, too.”

  Toya rolled her eyes. She didn’t want to talk about this, not here and definitely not now.

  “What ever happened to that guy you married?” he asked.

  Toya nearly spit her Pellegrino all over the table. Nate noticed her reaction and knew that he’d hit a nerve.

  “I mean I know he got sent to—”

  “I don’t want to talk about him,” she said flatly. “Move on.”

  He nodded. “Okay, then.” He took a sip of his drink. “Just tell me how you managed to land on your feet after all of that.”

  Toya glared at her father across the table and bit her lip. She wanted to say that she had survived it all on her own, with no assistance from the bitch nigga that sat across from her now. But she didn’t say that. Instead, she looked away, took a deep breath and met her father’s gaze again. “I just did. I’m a tough bitch.”

  Nate smiled, slowly nodded his head. “Yes, Latoya. Yes, you are.”

  She went back to her salad and Nate watched her, still smiling, before he resumed his meal, as well. After eating in silence for a while, Toya looked at her father questioningly.

  “So what do you want from me?”

  Nate seemed caught off guard. He stopped mid-chew and looked at his daughter.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You swoop back into my life after all these years, say all the things you needed to get off your chest and … now what?” Toya asked, gesturing with her fork. “What is it that you want from me now? A bone marrow transplant? Some money? What?”