If I Fall

by Anna Cruise

  She grabbed a piece of celery, dipped it into the dressing and munched. “We need to set some ground rules.”

  I ignored the food. “Ground rules for what?”

  “For what you are and aren't allowed to do.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I know what it's been like around here. No one really looking out for you, no one caring whether you're coming or going. That's changing. Now.”

  I tried not to roll my eyes. “O-kaaaay.”

  “First things first. Boyfriend.” She dipped a carrot. “Tell me about him.”

  I was defensive. “What do you want to know?”

  “Well, his name, for starters.”

  “I already told you. Aidan.”

  “Does he have a last name? How old is he? How did you meet him? How long have you guys been going out?” She paused. “How serious are you?”

  I went down the list. “Westwood. 18. School. A few months.” It was my turn to pause. “Not very.”

  Sara glared at me. “Don't be difficult. Please. I'm trying to have a conversation with you.”

  “No, you're not. You're interrogating me like I'm some sort of criminal.”

  “Someone needs to know what you're doing and who you're doing it with. Since your dad isn't here—and your mom isn't either—that responsibility falls to me.”

  I folded my arms across my chest, my mouth set in a thin line. “Fine. We go to the same school but don't have any classes together. We met up at the beach a few months back and he asked me out.”

  I left out the details—the beer, the cops, the car ride home. “We've been going out ever since.”

  “And you're serious about him?”

  I shrugged, trying to be nonchalant. “I don't know. He's a nice enough guy.”

  She nodded. “What about your friend? Jade?”

  “Jada.” I looked down at the table. “We don't hang out very much.”

  “Why not?”

  “She's busy with track after school. And I go out with Aidan on weekends.”

  And after school. And every waking moment I had.

  “Hmm.” She furrowed her brow as she looked at me. “Can't you all go out together? See a movie or go bowling or something?”

  I suppressed a laugh. I didn't know what was more comical, imagining Aidan bowling or having Jada tag along with us. “I don't know. I guess I never really thought about it.”

  “Well, you should. Boyfriends come and go but friends can last a lifetime.”

  Boyfriends could too, I thought. But I didn't say this. “I know. You're right.”

  “OK.” She stood and moved to the cupboard with the glassware. She found a cup and filled it with water from the sink. “So, here's what I'm thinking. These first couple of weeks, I want you home after school.”

  “What?”

  “I want you home. Doing your homework. I'll be home by five-thirty. We'll eat, hang out.”

  “But – “

  “These are school nights. Now, weekends. First and foremost, I want to meet this Aidan. I want to know where you're going. And we need to set a curfew.”

  “That's completely unfair.” I could barely see straight. “I can't go out after school? You have to approve where I'm going, who I'm going with? Who the hell do you think you are?”

  “I'm your aunt,” she said evenly. “And right now, I'm the closest thing to a parent you've got.”

  “Well, you suck!”

  She looked taken aback but she continued, her temper under control. “It's either me or your dad, Meg. Take it or leave it.”

  I was trapped and I knew it. I stood up and stalked back to my room, slamming my door shut. I flopped down on my bed, punching my pillow in frustration. I wanted to run away, to pack a bag and just go, get the hell out of the prison my aunt was creating for me. But where would I run to? Aidan's? His mom probably wouldn't care. Hell, she probably wouldn't even know I was there.

  For one long moment, I considered it. But I knew what would happen if I did. Eventually, I would have to come home and my aunt wouldn't be waiting for me.

  My dad—and Cheri—would.

  TWENTY ONE

  I told Aidan about my new restrictions at lunch the next day. I had a sandwich for once, and fresh fruit, strawberries with the hulls removed, rinsed and placed in a small plastic container, courtesy of Sara . But I wasn't hungry. I was too mad.

  I fumed. “Can you believe her nerve?”

  “So don't listen to her.” Aidan looked at the strawberries. “Are you gonna eat those?”

  I thrust the container at him. “I have to listen to her. What choice do I have? It's either do what she says or get shipped off to my dad's.”

  Scotty spoke up. I'd forgotten we weren't the only ones crowded on the bench. “She works though, right? What time does she get home?”

  “Five-thirty.”

  “So you have to stay home.” Scotty shrugged and winked at me. “But who says you have to be home alone?”

  Aidan grinned. “Good point. I'll come hang with you.” He rubbed my leg. “Anything we do at my house, we can do at yours. Right?”

  I raised my eyebrows. “I guess.”

  I hadn't really thought about that. My mom had always been a permanent fixture, a deterrent simply because of her presence. I never thought she'd venture out of the prison she'd created for herself but the threat was always there. It had been easier to go to Aidan's. But now, with her gone...and Sara coming home three hours after school got out...

  The house was still on the market so we'd have to deal with showings, but the agents always called first.

  “So we'll go to your house today.” He kissed me and the paper lunch bag and uneaten sandwich fell off my lap as I shifted closer to him. “Can't wait.”

  “Jesus, you two.” Lauren's voice was laced with disgust. “Either cut it out or get a fucking room.”

  I dragged my mouth away from Aidan's and looked at her. She was glaring at us, a frown marring her pretty face.

  I looked at Scotty instead, who just grinned and thumped my back. “She's just pissed because her dude is up at Berkeley.”

  “Shut up,” Aidan said to her. To me, he said, “See? Problem solved.”

  I found Aidan at Scotty's car after school, an older minivan that must have belonged to his mom. No kid would have willingly chosen it to drive. He stood by the side passenger door and looked inside. Scotty leaned in, stretching his long frame into the back seat, searching for something. He produced a plastic container and, after a furtive glance around, placed it on the middle row of seats and lifted off the lid. Aidan crowded closer and I couldn't see anything more.

  “What are you guys doing?” I asked, craning my neck to see.

  “Nothing,” Aidan answered. “Car's unlocked. I'll be there in a sec.”

  A few minutes later, he was. I'd settled myself and put my seatbelt on and folded my arms across my chest. He knew immediately that something was wrong.

  “What's up?”

  “I bombed my Spanish test. Totally forgot to study.” I shook my head. I still couldn't believe I'd forgotten about it.

  He shifted gears and backed out of the parking lot. “Who the hell schedules a test on a Monday?”

  “Apparently, Ms. Lopez does. We were supposed to have it on Friday but everyone said they weren't ready. She gave us the weekend to study.”

  “It's just one test. Mellow out.”

  It was just one test, I knew. But, coupled with the homework I wasn't turning in most days and the incomplete work in my other classes, I wasn't sure what my report card was going to look like third quarter.

  Aidan blew it off. “Chill. It's just school.”

  He turned right on Lamont Street and kept going, driving right past my street.

  “You missed the turn.”

  “I know.” He grinned at me. “Quick stop before we head to your house.”

  “If Sara calls and I'm not home, she's gonna go ballistic.”

  “Ten minutes
,” he promised. “Just a quick session at Sessions.” He withdrew a plastic baggie from his shorts pocket. “Unless you think it's cool we smoke this at your house?”

  My mouth fell open. “You brought that to school?”

  “Nah. Scotty hooked me up.” He smirked. “Unless you don't want any...”

  He started to shove it back into his pocket but I reached out my hand to stop him. “No. We have time. If we hurry.”

  He chuckled.

  The car sputtered up the steep hill and he turned right into Kate Sessions Park. Sprawling green grass greeted us, a vista to a breathtaking view of the bay and city skyline. Aidan drove through the park, choosing a parking space where the road dead-ended in a small, narrow parking lot.

  The park was mostly deserted. There were cars further up, where we'd first entered, and I saw an older woman walking her dog, a black lab who pulled on its leash as it raced across the expanse of lawn, its nose close to the ground. Another dog walker was a little closer to us, a man with three dogs on leashes. His walk was business-like as he maneuvered them, keeping the leashes taut, untangled. He moved away from us, walking the dogs to the side of the park with the spectacular views of the bay and the ocean, of the San Diego skyline that sparkled in the mid afternoon sun.

  “Come on,” Aidan said. “Five minutes left.”

  We walked down the short slope in front of us, toward a cluster of bushes and Aidan lit the joint. He took a deep drag and, with his mouth closed tight, handed it to me. I took a hit, swallowing down the bitter smoke, holding it in my lungs until I thought they might burst, before slowly expelling my breath. We finished it in three tokes each.

  “Better?” he asked, smiling.

  “Absolutely.”

  He flicked the stub to the ground. ““Let's go, then,” he said and we headed back to the car.

  I could hear the phone ringing inside the house as I fumbled with the key in the lock. I knew I should have raced to answer it but I didn't. The answering machine picked up and Sara's voice sounded.

  “Megan.” I could almost see the look on her face.

  I picked up. “Hey. I'm here.”

  “What took you so long?”

  “Huh?” I rummaged in the fridge, pulling out a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke.

  “You didn't answer right away.”

  I tore open a package of cookies and shoved one into my mouth. “I just got home. School got out thirty minutes ago. Give me a break.”

  “Yeah. Thirty minutes ago.”

  She didn't know I'd gotten a ride home. “How long do you think it'd take you to walk home?”

  “Guess I'll need to walk it myself and see,” she responded, her voice tight.

  I hung up without saying goodbye. She'd put a serious damper on my mood.

  Aidan reached into the bag. “Auntie?”

  I nodded.

  He popped two cookies in his mouth and chewed. “Don't let her get you down.”

  “She already did.”

  “Come here.” He reached for me. “Let's see if we can turn your mood around.”

  If anyone could, it was him.

  And he did.

  TWENTY TWO

  “Friday night,” Aidan whispered in my ear. “You gotta get out.”

  We were having lunch at school a couple days later and he was sitting next to me, his hand on my knee, picking at the blueberries in my container.

  “Why?” I asked, immediately dreading asking Sara.

  “Fucking party of the year,” he said. “A guy's house down in South Mission. Bayside. Gonna start right after school and probably roll into Sunday.”

  I took one the berries out and popped it in my mouth. “I don't know.”

  “Come on,” he said. “Think of something to get your aunt off your back.”

  The problem was that I wasn't sure there was anything that would get her off my back. She'd been on me like a hawk the entire week. Calls right after school, home on the dot at five-thirty. She'd stuck to her word. She was acting like a parent and treating me like her daughter. And it was driving me insane.

  “I don't know that I can,” I said. “She's pretty serious about all this stuff.”

  Scotty made a face at Aidan, then looked away when he caught me looking at him.

  “You gotta come up with something,” Aidan said. “You can't miss it. I want you there. With me.”

  “I don't know,” I said again, disappointed that everything had become so complicated and that I was letting him down.

  “What if you told her you were spending the night at Jade's house?” he suggested.

  “Jada.”

  “Whatever.”

  I shook my head. “I already told her we weren't friends anymore.”

  My eyes scanned the courtyard and I saw Jada sitting with Logan, Carter and Case. Her arms were looped around Logan's and she was giggling at something, then shaking her head. She looked happy, without a care in the world.

  For the first time in what felt like forever, I genuinely missed sitting with them. No pressure. No lies. No complications.

  Just friends.

  Case glanced in my direction, saw me looking at him. He lifted his chin and raised his eyebrows.

  I smiled back.

  “So tell Auntie you're trying to be friends again,” Aidan said. “Tell her she wanted you come spend the night so you guys could talk and make up and shit.”

  Scotty rolled his eyes, shook his head and laid back on the grass.

  “Maybe,” I said, looking away from Case. “That might work.”

  “You gotta make it work,” Aidan said, leaning over and kissing my ear. “I don't wanna go without you. That would suck.”

  My eyes drifted back toward Case and Jada. Case was laughing now and Jada was bent over, laughing so hard she looked like she couldn't breathe.

  So uncomplicated.

  “OK,” I said. “I'll see what I can do.”

  “That's my girl,” Aidan said, kissing my neck. “I mean it. It would suck if you weren't there.”

  I was pretty sure he meant it, that he really did want me to come.

  But a tiny part of me thought it sucked that he didn't even mention not going if I couldn't.

  TWENTY THREE

  Sara shook her head. “We've already had this discussion, Meg.”

  “No, you had the discussion,” I said. “You talked. I just had to listen.”

  We were finishing dinner later that night and, after worrying about it all afternoon, I'd decided I'd go ahead and run with the plan to tell her I was going to spend the night at Jada's. A knot had formed in my stomach and I didn't feel good about it, but I didn't want to disappoint Aidan, either, and I couldn't think of another way to try and sneak out.

  Sara set her fork down on her plate. “OK. Maybe I did lay down the law without your input. But I think that right now, that's my job. I don't know what you've been doing for the last few months and I don't want to know. It's over and done with and I'm not going to punish you or blame you for something that I wasn't a part of. But now? I'm responsible for you and I'm taking that seriously.”

  The more she talked, the harder she was making it to lie to her. A small part of me wondered what the previous months would've been like if she had been around.

  “I know that,” I said, pushing the rice around on my plate. “And I've done everything you've asked. I've come home right after school. I've been here at night. I've stayed off the phone. I've done everything you've asked, Sara.”

  She nodded, picking up her water glass. “I know that. And I appreciate it, Meg. I've said it a hundred times. I know that none of this is your fault and that it's been super hard on you. So I do appreciate that you haven't fought me on any of this.”

  “Well, I fought you a little bit,” I said, smiling. “Or complained at least.”

  She smiled back. “You wouldn't be normal if you hadn't complained.”

  I felt like she was weakening and if I didn't press her then, I'd never get t
he chance. And then I wouldn't get to go on Friday and Aidan would be disappointed and so would I.

  “So,” I said. “I've done what you asked. Haven't I earned the right to spend a little time with my friends?”

  She sighed and frowned.

  “And you were the one who seemed concerned that I wasn't really friends with Jada anymore,” I pointed out. “That I was spending too much time with my boyfriend. So I'm trying to be friends with her again and to do that, I have to spend, you know, time with her. She invited me over. If I say no, then she's gonna assume I don't want to hang out with her.”

  She set her glass down and wiped her hands on her napkin. “I'm not letting you spend the night, Meg. I'm firm on that. I'm sorry, but I'm not.”

  I thought fast. “OK. But can I at least go...over to her house for awhile? At least go watch a movie or something with her?”

  She didn't say anything.

  “Sara, come on, please,” I said. “It's Friday night. I haven't screwed up. I've done everything you've asked. If I can't even go hang out with a friend, what exactly am I supposed to do?”

  She stood from the table and took both of our plates. She walked them over to the sink, rinsed them off, then stuck them in the dishwasher. She leaned against the counter and folded her arms across her chest. “A movie.”

  “Yes,” I said, seeing a ray of light. “Just go hang at her house, watch a movie, TV, whatever. Girl stuff.”

  She stared at me for a long moment. “Alright.”

  I thrust my hands in the air. “Victory!”

  She smiled, shaking her head. “Whatever. Eleven o'clock. I'll pick you up at eleven.”

  “Midnight,” I countered.

  She shook her head. “Eleven.”

  “But if I'm having dinner with you, that'll only give us a few hours,” I said. “Midnight.”

  She started to say something, then stopped. She shook her head and rolled her eyes. “Fine. Midnight. I drop you off and pick you up.”

  “Deal,” I said, standing from the table. “And now I have homework to go do since I'm in good kid mode.”