If I Fall

by Anna Cruise

  “I'm sorry,” I said. “But I can't.”

  His hands fell away from my hips and he studied me. “What the hell is going on?”

  “Nothing,” I said.

  The bell rang and bodies scurried past us. He didn't make any move to leave.

  “Why are you being all weird?” he asked.

  “I'm not,” I said. “It was just a long weekend and I'm tired. That's all.”

  He nodded slowly, still staring at me. “Alright. I'll see you at lunch, then.” He leaned down and before I could turn away, kissed me.

  And it was nothing like kissing Case. Nothing. It was stale and cold and empty.

  But I said, “OK,” because I wasn't sure what else to say.

  I walked to my class by myself and it seemed like every set of eyes were on me. And I wasn't sure why.

  Until second period.

  “So how pissed are you?” Shannon Howard asked as I took my seat in Biology.

  I didn't know her that well and I was confused. “What?”

  “How pissed are you?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

  “About what?” I asked.

  An arm slapped her on the shoulder and she whipped around in her seat, surprised. Tawnya Baker was leaning forward, big-eyed, whispering into her ear, glancing at me as she whispered.

  Shannon turned back to me, red-faced and uncomfortable. “Sorry. Never mind.”

  “About what?” I repeated, looking first at her and then at Tawnya.

  Tawnya shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. “Oh, nothing. Mistaken identity. She got you confused with someone else.”

  “Yeah,” Shannon said, fumbling through her notebook, unable to bring her eyes up to me.

  “Bullshit,” I said. “What are you talking about?”

  Tawnya looked down at her book and Shannon continued to fumble.

  I clearly wasn't going to get anything from either of them. They were locking down. I just wasn't sure what they were locking down about.

  Thirty minutes into class, when we'd been assigned some reading on our own, I heard them whispering again. I resisted the urge to turn my head because I didn't want them to know I was listening.

  “...I didn't know...”

  “...he did...”

  “...drunk...”

  “...Meg wasn't...”

  “...ass...”

  I tried to focus on my book, tried to look like I was reading, but I could only grasp small snippets about what they were saying. I was fairly certain it was about me. I was pretty sure I wasn't being paranoid.

  So maybe I hadn't been paranoid about all of the eyes on me, either.

  And when lunch rolled around, I knew I wasn't being paranoid.

  Every single person watched as I crossed the weed patch. Conversations stopped, then started again in hushed voices. It was a surreal feeling, like there was a spotlight on me, highlighting my every move.

  Only I had no idea why.

  I'd agonized all morning over how to handle lunch. I knew that not sitting with Aidan would cause a scene and he'd probably freak the hell out. But the thought of sitting with him while Case watched made me queasy. I didn't like that idea at all. He'd promised me, though, that he'd understand and I decided to trust those words. Because I thought a scene with Aidan might be even worse.

  Turned out that I didn't need to worry about it because Aidan was nowhere to be found. He wasn't there, nor any of his crew.

  A sense of relief washed over me as I saw their normal spot vacant. Even as the eyes stayed on me, it was a relief to know that I wasn't going to have to deal with him in front of Case.

  I stood there awkwardly for a moment. It felt like forever since I'd sat anywhere but with Aidan. The entire area looked foreign without him and his friends. I felt like a complete stranger at my school, unsure of where to go, or who to sit with. And, based on the way people were watching me, I wasn't sure I would have anyone to sit with.

  Then Case held up his hand and waved me over. Inviting me. Welcoming me.

  I didn't think twice. I hustled over to where he and Jada sat.

  “Logan and Carter are in journalism,” he said as I sat down next to him. His leg pressed against my thigh, lightly, and I felt my pulse quicken. “We've got extra room today.”

  “Thanks,” I said, smiling. I glanced at Jada. Her head was down, and she was staring at her nails. “Hey, Jada.”

  She looked up, unsmiling. “Hey.”

  Case raised an eyebrow at me, then nodded toward Aidan's normal spot. I shook my head. He shrugged.

  “Jada, I'm just gonna say this and you can do whatever you want with it,” I said, before I could talk myself out of it. Tears welled in my eyes. “I'm an idiot and I'm sorry. Completely sorry. For everything. I know you probably can't forgive me and if I were you, I wouldn't, either. But I'm sorry. I'm a total bitch and I'm just...I'm just sorry for being a shitty friend.”

  She looked down at her nails again, picking at her index finger. Laughter drifted in the air around us and it sounded hollow and tinny.

  Finally, she looked up, her own eyes glistening with tears. “OK. Thanks.”

  The dam burst and tears streamed down my face. “I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.”

  She nodded, her lips pursed together.

  We sat there like that for a few minutes, me crying, her trying not to cry.

  Then Case said,“Uh, I sorta feel like I should be crying, too.”

  Jada laughed first and then I did. Case just smiled.

  Then we couldn't stop laughing and I felt like I was seven years old again.

  I wasn't dumb enough to think everything was going to just go back to normal. I knew Jada would probably be stand-offish for awhile and I didn't blame her. But I hoped she'd at least let me try to be her friend again. I wanted to be me with her again.

  When we were done giggling, she glanced across the weed patch and said, “Where's Aidan today?”

  I looked at her for a moment. There was no malice in her words nor in her expression and it seemed like she was just asking.

  “I honestly don't know,” I said. “And I don't really care.”

  “You guys done?” she asked.

  She didn't look at Case. If she knew about our date, she wasn't letting on.

  “Yeah,” I said. “He just doesn't know it yet.”

  She raised an eyebrow. “Serious?”

  “Serious.”

  She nodded slowly. “OK. Alright. Should I ask for details?”

  “Not yet,” I said, glancing around. The eyes had mostly left me. “But after I tell him? Then I'll give them to you. If you want them.”

  “Cool,” she said. “And Meg?”

  “Yeah?”

  She gave me a thin smile. “I'll want them.”

  Case looked down into his lunch bag, trying to hide a smile.

  I made a mental note to thank him later.

  THIRTY EIGHT

  “Yo, Meggy,” Lauren slurred. “We missed you at lunch, little girl.”

  I'd spent the afternoon zoning out in my classes, my stomach tightening as the afternoon wore on. I was happy with what had happened at lunch, but it hadn't solved anything with Aidan. I knew that I had to talk to him, but I wasn't looking forward to the confrontation. When the final bell rang, I skipped my locker and went out to the parking lot to try to find him. I found his car, but not him. Lauren and Dez were there in the lot and Lauren stumbled over to me when she saw me.

  “You missed me?” I asked, not understanding.

  “Yeah, totally,” she said, a lopsided smile on her face. “We had a bad ass time up at the park.”

  The smell of rum drifted off her like perfume.

  “Oh,” I said. “Was Aidan with you?”

  She and Dez exchanged glances, then she nodded. “Yup.”

  “Where is he now?” I asked. “I need to talk to him.”

  She shrugged and made a face. “No clue.”

  “Did he come back with you guys?”

 
She stumbled a bit and bumped into Dez. “Yup.”

  They'd obviously been drinking since lunch up at the park. A week earlier and I would've been there with them.

  I was glad it wasn't a week earlier.

  “Hey, I'm sorry,” Lauren slurred, her expression changing. She looked like she was about to cry.

  “Sorry?” I asked. “For what?”

  Dez grabbed her by the elbow. “Lauren.”

  Lauren looked at her, her eyes narrowed and unfocused.

  “She's wasted,” Dez said, her own eyes glassy. “Ignore her.”

  “OK,” I said, completely confused.

  Dez's gaze shifted over my shoulder. “There he is.”

  I turned and saw Aidan coming across the lot, his phone to his ear, sunglasses over his eyes. He shoved the phone in his pocket, then hesitated when he saw us before coming over.

  “Hey,” he said. “We missed you.”

  “Yeah,” I said. “Didn't know you were going.”

  “You didn't?” he asked. “Oh, man. My bad. Thought I told you this morning at your locker.”

  “You didn't,” I said. “But it's fine. You have a minute?”

  He looked at Lauren and Dez. “Not really. I need to get going.”

  “Won't take long,” I said. “Promise.”

  “Lauren, come on,” Dez said, taking Lauren by the arm and leading her away. “Let's go.”

  They stumbled away and he and I stood there, awkwardly.

  “What's up?” he said.

  “Look, I'm not really sure what to say here,” I said, quickly. “But I think I need a break.”

  “A break?”

  I nodded. “From us.”

  His brows furrowed above the glasses. “What?”

  “I just have so much going on,” I said. “My mom. My aunt. It's all a mess and I just...I just need a break right now.”

  He folded his arms across his chest. “You're still pissed about the party.”

  I thought for a moment. “Yeah, I am, I guess. But that's not everything. It's just a bad time.”

  “What if I don't want a break?” he said.

  “What?”

  “What if I don't want a break?” he repeated. “What if I don't want a break from you, Meg?”

  My stomach knotted some more. “I don't understand.”

  “Either do I, good girl,” he said. “But you're standing her just trying to bail on me after I stuck with you through all of the crap of the last couple weeks. And I think that's kind of bullshit.”

  “Aidan, it's not...”

  “It's not what?” he said, leaning down toward me. “It's not what? Not fair that you just ambushed me here at my car? When I wasn't expecting it? When I told you this morning that I was worried that I hadn't heard from you all weekend?” He leaned in closer. “It's not what, Meg?”

  I took a step back. I couldn't find the words I wanted to say. He was confusing me. And I was losing my nerve.

  “I have to go,” I said. “Sara's gonna be waiting.”

  He chuckled. “You have to go. Right.”

  “I do, Aidan.”

  “We're not done,” he warned. “This conversation is not done.”

  As I left him standing there in the lot, I was well aware of that.

  THIRTY NINE

  “You look rattled,” Sara said as we drove home from school.

  She'd pulled up to the curb just as I rounded the corner from the parking lot. If she wondered where I'd been walking from, she hadn't asked.

  “Do I?” I said.

  “Yes.”

  “Oh.”

  She chuckled. “If you don't want to talk about it we don't have to.”

  I leaned my head on the window. “Just trying to end things with Aidan.”

  She stayed quiet for a moment. Then, “Really?”

  “Yes, really,” I said. “And I'm sure that thrills you to no end.”

  “It doesn't thrill me, Meg,” she said. “I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm glad you're breaking up with him. I don't like him and I think I made that clear. But I'm sorry that it's gotten to this point and I'm sorry because I know that breaking up is hard.”

  We stopped at a red light. A group of people crossed the street, freshmen and sophomores who couldn't drive and who didn't live far enough away to be bussed. I used to be one of them, walking home from school.

  “And I hope you're not just doing it for me,” she said. “Or for Case.”

  “I thought you just said you were happy.”

  “I am,” she said. The light turned green and we started forward again. “But you have to be the one who wants to break up with him. For the right reasons.”

  I pulled my head from the window and leaned back in the seat. “It is. I don't want to be with him anymore.”

  And I truly didn't. He'd confused me in the parking lot, but it hadn't changed my mind. I didn't want to be with him. I didn't want to be around his friends. I didn't like who I was, who I'd become, when I was with him. With them. And I just wanted to be done.

  “Then just do it,” she said. “Be honest and be direct. That's all you can do.”

  “Not that easy,” I said.

  “Sure it is,” she said, turning on to our street. “Honest and direct. Just say it. How he reacts is his decision. You've already made yours.”

  “I guess,” I said, hating how she made everything sound so easy and simple.

  She pulled to the curb in front of the house, rather than into the driveway.

  I looked at her. “Why are you parking here?”

  “I'm not parking,” she said, frowning. “I'm dropping you. I have to go back to the clinic. We're short-staffed and I'm on call for urgent care. I'm hoping it won't be late, but it might be.”

  I opened the door. “OK.”

  “There's a pizza in the fridge,” she said. “You just need to heat it up. And I left your phone on the counter.”

  I leaned against the door. “I get it back?”

  She shook her head. “No, but you need a phone for tonight since I'm not home. In case you need to reach me. Or want to call your dad.”

  I looked away.

  “But that's it,” she said. “No calling anyone else or texting. I'll check the phone when I get home tonight. Deal?”

  I sighed. “Deal.”

  “Hey,” she said.

  I looked at her.

  “Just because you're breaking up with jerkface and spending time with Case doesn't mean everything's fixed,” she said, giving me a hard look. “It's a good start. But we've got a ways to go still. So I mean it about the phone. Don't take a step back. Alright?”

  “I got it, Sara,” I said. “I promise.”

  She nodded. “OK. I'll check on you in a bit.”

  I shut the door and watched her drive away. I was irritated about the phone thing, but she was right. I'd screwed up and the last thing I wanted to do was mess things up any further. I'd gone a couple days without using the phone and I could last one more. A lot more, actually. She was giving me another opportunity to earn back the trust, even if it was because she had to go to work.

  I didn't want screw that up, either.

  I went inside and immediately took care of my homework. I finished and then wandered into the kitchen, looking for something to do. I washed the breakfast dishes still piled in the sink and put them away. I glanced out the back window. The sun had finally broken through the clouds and I decided to sit outside. I positioned myself on the steps, shifting so I was fully in the sun. The garden bed Sara had worked on earlier was filled with fresh flowers, hearty pink blossoms nestled between thick, dark leaves. They looked delicate in the freshly turned soil, delicate but determined. Like me, I thought. I smiled.

  I stayed outside for a little while longer, closing my eyes, happy to let the heat of the sun singe away all the thoughts in my mind. The sun eventually dipped lower and I stood, ready to head inside and warm up dinner. I went back into the kitchen and was just sliding the pizza in to the
oven when the doorbell rang.

  Case smiled at me when I opened the door. “Hi.”

  I smiled back. “Hi yourself. What are you doing here?”

  “Just wanted to come say hi.”

  I eyed him warily. “Really?”

  “Well, that and I wanted to make sure you were OK.”

  “OK?”

  “I didn't know if you talked to Aidan after school.”

  “I did, but not really.”

  He tilted his head to the side. “I don't get it.”

  I opened the door wider and motioned him inside. “My aunt's not home but you can come in.”

  He hesitated. “You sure?”

  “She trusts you more than me,” I said. “Yes. It's fine.”

  He stepped past me and I shut the door behind him. He moved into the living room and, after hesitating just a minute, sat down on the couch. I plopped down next to him.

  “You sure she's not gonna get pissed?” he asked.

  “She's at work,” I said. “It's fine.”

  He looked like he wasn't sure he believed me but he didn't say anything more.

  “So, I tried to talk to Aidan,” I said and then explained how the scene in the parking lot went down.

  “He got pissed?” Case asked when I was finished.

  I nodded.

  He was quiet for a minute, thinking. “That's not so good,” he said. “I don't like that.”

  “Me, either. I think that's why I chickened out.”

  “Probably a smart thing to do,” he said. He sighed.

  “I guess,” I said. “I just want it done.”

  “I know you do.”

  “I mean, I'm ready, Case. I want to do this. I need to do this.”

  And I did. Not because I wanted to jump into a relationship with Case. But because I was ready to jump out of the relationship I was in, the relationship that had pulled me down, even further from where I'd been.

  “So call him.”

  I peered down the hallway toward the kitchen. My phone was just visible on top of the counter. “I'm not supposed to use my phone.”

  He reached in his pocket and pulled out his. “Use mine.”

  I looked at the phone and then back at him. “You really want me to do this, don't you?”

  He nodded. “Yeah. But for you. Not for me or anyone else. For you. I swear.”

  I believed him.

  I took the phone and, relying on my shaky memory, punched in what I hoped was Aidan's number.