If I Fall

by Anna Cruise

  We hated one another.

  There was no twin bond. No special link to one another. No ability to finish one another’s thoughts or sentences. No special connection.

  I felt more connected to snakes at the zoo.

  I closed my eyes, grateful that the spinning seemed to have abated, and sighed. More than ever, I was relieved to be heading for college. Away from high school and away from living on top of my menacing sister.

  But Annika was going, too. And even though we’d be living apart, I worried the campus wouldn’t be big enough for the both of us. It had been my number one concern when I'd accepted my admission to State and I’d fooled myself into thinking that just not sharing space with her would make it all better.

  But after the previous night?

  I wasn’t sure I could share the same continent with her.

  The door to my room swung open and smacked into the wall. I winced, the sound like someone clanging cymbals an inch from my head.

  “Mom said to get up,” Annika said.

  With a concerted effort, I managed to prop myself up on my elbows. Her hair was wet, her face make-up free. She wore capri-length sweatpants and a T-shirt that was just tight enough to make her boobs look perfect. We had the same boobs and mine never looked like that, dammit.

  “Knock much?” I asked.

  She sniffed the air and frowned. “It smells like you bathed in vodka.” She raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow. “You need to be more careful how much you drink. You know you’re a lightweight.”

  “Leave. Now.”

  She leaned against the door and ran a hand through her damp hair. “Now, now. Don’t get all pissy with me just because your boyfriend wanted me to suck him off.” She smiled. “Maybe he thought it was you.”

  “He’s not my boyfriend,” I snapped, wincing as my voice reverberated through my head. “And I’m pretty sure he knew he was with the skanky twin.”

  “Oh, he knew when we were done,” she said, her smile widening. “Trust me. No way you could’ve gotten him off like that.”

  I shook my head in disgust. “Yeah. Takes a certain talent. And lack of pride.”

  “Jealousy does not look good on you, Abs,” Annika said. “And neither do skinny jeans. You don’t have the ass for them.” She winked at me. “Breakfast is in ten minutes. Try not to smell like a hobo.” She raised her middle finger in my direction, then slammed the door on her way out.

  I fired my pillow at the door and collapsed back in the bed.

  I was wrong.

  I couldn’t share the same planet with her.

  My head pounded, and not just from my killer hangover. Reality was crashing down. Hard. School started in less than a week. Annika and I were due to move into dorms on Monday. And all I wanted to do was get as far away from my sister as possible.

  I surveyed my room. A few boxes were stacked against one wall, half-filled with clothes and shoes, belts and headbands. A pile of books sat on top of my bookcase, favorites that I wanted to bring along. San Diego State was only twenty minutes from home but part of me felt like I was moving across country. I wanted my favorite books and other familiar things that I could bring with me, things that would comfort me, things that would remind me I wasn't alone.

  But I wasn't going to be alone, I reminded myself.

  Because Annika was coming with me.

  I rubbed my forehead and stifled a groan. I couldn't do it. Last night had been the final straw. I was sick of living in Annika's shadow, tired of wondering how she was going to muck up my life next. I wanted a clean slate, a fresh start, and I wasn't going to get that if I my sister was around.

  I swung my legs to the floor, squeezing my eyes shut as the jackhammer pounded my skull. Why had I gotten so totally drunk last night? It wasn't like me.

  But the decision I was about to make wasn't like me, either.