by Maddie Wade
“You’re a good man, K,” she whispered as she bent her head to kiss him. They had made love all afternoon, with Roz showing him with her body what she felt in her heart. Excited for the future she was allowing herself to have with this man, walking away from her old life for good.
As they sat on the beach later that night, his arms around her as she leaned back into his chest, she had been about to say the words that would free her from her past when her phone had rung. She could hear it from her place on the beach, the ominous sound instilling a foreboding in her heart. The temptation to ignore it had been unbearable but something in her senses had told her not to. Wriggling from his arms with a laugh as he swatted her ass, she walked with her heart beating hard in her chest to her phone which was thrown on the bed they had made love in.
Opening the phone, she saw a text.
Unknown number: Look outside.
Her eyes had immediately gone to K as her throat clogged with fear and anger that she was being dragged back into the world she hated. A tiny red bead was floating over K’s head. Her heart raced, and she could feel herself morphing into the woman she was before. The cold-hearted killer who would take out anyone who crossed her. She felt the grief grip her as the woman who had fallen in love with a wonderful man who understood her soul on a cellular level, died before her eyes. Her phone pinged in her hand.
Unknown number: Walk away now and he lives.
She’d let the tears come, falling down her face. She had been so close to having everything she ever wanted. What a fool she was to believe that the evil darkness would let her go. Swiping away her tears, she had thrown a few clothes in a bag and with one last look at the man who sat on the beach waiting for her, she’d left.
It had been the night she walked away from him for good, never looking back and closing her heart off from ever feeling love again. It was a weakness she couldn’t afford and risk she couldn’t take with the man she loved more than her own life.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Watching the early evening sun as it played over the tops of the trees at the bottom of Celeste’s long garden, Roz reflected on the last few hours spent with Zin and Celeste. The food had been sublime, and despite the tension when she’d first arrived the evening had been relaxed and carefree. It had been fun to watch as Celeste fussed over her brother, making sure he had enough food, enough to drink until he had finally grabbed her as she went to go fetch him another drink and pulled her into his lap.
“I can get my own damn drink, Pixie. Just sit down and relax.”
Celeste had grinned, sassing him back until he kissed her. Now Zin was helping Celeste clear away while Roz had been instructed to relax while Celeste got the dessert.
She was a people watcher, it came with the territory of her job, but tonight it had been fun. Zin had suffered so much shit in his life and carried a lot of guilt for things he had done. It was good to know he had someone who loved him like Celeste obviously did.
But as she watched she saw that although it had been her soon to be sister-in-law who did all the running around, it was also Celeste that held a lot of the power in their relationship. Zin had hardly taken his eyes from her, a soft smile gracing his face as he watched her. The little touches told of a man who was completely head over heels for his woman. It made her think of the man who looked at her like that and wishing that she had done so many things differently.
She checked her watch wondering what time it was where Kanan was. Nobody seemed to want to tell her anything, not that she asked outright, except for Zack and something held her back from forcing the issue with him.
Zin walked back out, his big frame blocking out the sun as he passed by her to sit opposite.
“Where is Celeste?” she asked as she tilted her head at him shielding her eyes, before snagging her sunglasses from the table and putting them on to cover them from the sun as it dipped in the sky.
He took his beer from the table, tipping it back and taking a long swallow before he answered. “She’s talking to Ava about some girlie shit.”
Silence filled the air around them and the tension from earlier returned. Roz had never been one to hide from a fight, and she wasn’t about to start now. Hiding from her feelings was a completely different ballgame. “What’s going on Zin?” she asked as she watched him picking at the label on the beer bottle he held. He had a predatory stillness about him that she recognised in herself, as he raised his eyes to her.
“What do you mean?” he countered slowly.
She felt her hackles rise at the way he was evading her question. “You know very well what I mean. Celeste was upset and if I’m family like you keep on saying, then that’s my business.”
He sat forward suddenly, dangling the beer bottle between his legs as he balanced his elbows on his knees, getting in her face. “Do you really want to know, Roz?” he sneered. His tone was cold, and she hated that it was aimed at her.
Not intimidated by his cold attitude she took off her glasses and met his blue-eyed stare head-on. “Yes, I want to fucking know,” she responded, her control holding on by a thread.
“She was crying because her brother that she had just got to know is gone again, and it’s your fucking fault!” he spat.
Her head snapped back as if he had struck her, not able to control the impulse, the pain feeling like a blow to the solar plexus. “Me?” she asked as her breathing quickened. The hurt in her chest expanding at the thought that she was the one to cause Celest pain. She wasn’t known for her outward displays of emotion but that didn’t mean she didn’t care. Fuck, she cared too much. Who the fuck does he think he is talking to me like that?
“Yes, you! You walk around as if you’re untouchable. Nobody can get past the impenetrable wall you have built around you. You push everyone who cares about you away, with not a thought to how it affects them or the people around them. All you care about is yourself, you're so fucking insular.” The anger emanating from him was palpable, he practically shook with it.
“Wow, you’ve been holding that back for a while,” she said as she tried to control the myriad of emotions that barrelled towards her like a fucking tsunami. Her hands clenched into fists, her nails biting into her palm as she tried to control her reaction to the bile he was spewing her way. “Fine, if I’m in the way, I’ll leave. I wouldn’t want me being here to fuck up this cosy little life you have going. It’s a boring shithole anyway,” she returned as the hurt she felt bubbled out as anger and bitterness.
“Don’t be a fucking bitch, Roz. That’s so fucking typical of you. Martyring yourself, playing the victim. Fine, if you want to run away instead of sticking around and putting someone else first, you carry on. But don’t expect me to welcome you with open arms when you deem to grace us with your company again. Go, just run away. It’s what you're good at.”
“I’m not a fucking martyr and I’m only going because it’s what you seem to want.”
“Yeah, you are. It’s easier for you to act all wounded and run away instead of admitting what you want. I don’t want it, you do.”
Her brain was working at a million miles an hour, trying to process her brother’s words. Instinctively she wanted to deny them, tell him she didn’t do that, but as what he’d said slapped her in the face, she saw his words had some merit. Still, she wanted to deny what he was saying. “It’s fucking easy for you, you never had to deal with the shit I did. Don’t sit there and fucking judge me when you haven’t walked in my shoes.”
“No, I didn’t, but I had a fucking ringside seat to it. And I get to judge you because I love you and nobody else is brave enough to call you on your bullshit,” he growled.
Roz felt her heart pound against her chest as she saw the anguish on his face. Zin loved her, he would never hurt her on purpose, of that she was sure. “So maybe I do control the people I get close to,” she said slowly, “but I don’t hurt people.” The denial hot on her tongue even as her mind tried to process how she could have hurt people.
He shook his head sadly, before raising his head to face her. An immense look of sorrow crossed his handsome features, his eyes filled with sympathy which made her look away. “How can you not see it? Me, Lucy, Kanan, everyone who gets close to you gets pushed away. You don’t seem to care that they love you, need you even.”
“You don’t need me,” she responded not going near the Kanan thing right now.
“I’ve always needed my big sister. I miss her.”
She saw the truth in his face and sadness hit her hard. Have I failed him?
“The problem is, Roz, you’re so busy trying to convince yourself that you’re protecting us that you can’t see that you’ve become the very thing you hate. You’ve become a coward, Roz, and the only person you’re protecting is yourself. The woman I love is hurting and my sister, the only other person in my life that I’ve ever relied on, is the cause. Do you not see how fucked up that is?”
He stood then and moved to the edge of the decking looking out over the garden as Samson chased a bee. It was as if he couldn’t bear to look at her anymore. Her hands shook as she shoved her glasses back on, shielding her from the words he said and the profound effect they had on her.
“What has this got to do with Kanan leaving?” she asked finally, proud that she managed to conceal the onslaught of feelings going through her head.
He swung his head to her and frowned. “He promised to leave you be and he kept his promise. He took himself away because he can’t be near you knowing you don’t want him. He sacrificed his sister’s happiness for yours. He would do fucking anything for you and you can’t even see it.”
Roz wanted to deny what he was saying, call him a liar but she knew she couldn’t, everything he said was true. It was like an epiphany, a door opening up and showing her a peek into the truth and it was time for her to recognise it and face it. Tears filled her eyes as she furiously tried to blink them away, but they kept coming, spilling silently over, and running down her cheeks.
“I can’t. I know the man he is, but I’m terrified I can’t be what he wants me to be.” Her voice was shaking as the words tumbled out on a sob.
Zin turned and moved to sit beside her, his arm around her quaking shoulders as she let the fear and pain go free. All the fear and pain she had bottled formed into clear droplets of liquid pain, falling down her face as she felt her body purge the pain from her system. Her breathing was choppy, her nose began to run, so she sniffed loudly, her breath hiccupping.
“You can, Roz. If you want it enough, then you can be whatever you want to be. You just have to take the leap and jump. Stick around and let us help you.”
“That’s easy for you to say. You have Celeste and all your friends,” she sniffed out, not caring that he was seeing this side of her.
“And you have me and Celeste, Lucy, Mustique, and Kanan if you want him. Do you want him? If you don’t then I’ll drop it but if it’s fear that’s stopping you, then let us help you overcome it. You can do whatever you want. You’re free now, Roz. Usov and his monsters can’t hurt you anymore. Don’t let that monster continue to dictate your life. He’s taken enough, don’t let him take your future,” he finished softly into her hair as he kissed her head.
Silent tears tracked down her cheeks as she thought of what he was offering. It was within her grasp as if she could see it through a glass window. All she had to do was be brave enough to break through, grab it, and hold on.
She sat silently, her tears ebbing until her sobs began to abate and her tears stopped. Her mind was rushing with everything he’d just said. Had she done it all for the wrong reasons? Was she a coward? Could she change? She didn’t know, but she wanted to try and make amends and fix what was broken. A determination not to let Usov continue to ruin her life started to take hold. “Yes, I want him, but I don’t know how to be what he wants,” she said, the weakness and fear that she felt finally showing.
“Start by sticking around. Show him you can make a life without running at the first sign of trouble. Step up and be part of this family. I’m not saying it will be easy. Believe me, I struggle to be the man Celeste deserves sometimes, but one look at her and I know it’s worth fighting the darkness that stalks me just to have the privilege of having her love me.”
Roz rested her head on his shoulder. She wanted that with K more than anything. “She’s lucky to have you Zin.”
“And he would be lucky to have you and what’s more he knows it.”
Roz didn’t speak, she took in the moment and his words and made a decision. “Can I crash at your flat until I can find a house to rent?”
He pulled back and smile lighting his eyes. “You’re staying?”
“This is where my family is, so yes, I’m staying. I’m going to try, it’s worth the risk.” She smiled, feeling as if a weight had lifted off her shoulders.
“You’re staying,” he grinned as he crushed her to him in a bear hug which made her smile.
“Hey, watch the bullet wound,” she laughed.
~~~
“I don’t like green beans,” Natalia said as she pushed the vegetables around her plate.
Roz stifled a sigh as she watched the child pout. “I know that isn’t true, Natalia, you ate them last week.” She knelt beside the child so that they were eye to eye. “Is it possible that you are just full, from eating too much ice-cream earlier with Noah?”
Natalia pursed her lips and then nodded. The child was immensely stubborn she was finding out.
“Okay, how about we strike a deal? You eat two more bites of your dinner and after you have done your reading we can go see Samson.” Natalia’s smile split her face and Roz saw Katarina grin too.
“Really?”
“Yes, so eat up and then we can get your reading done.” Roz spun back to the fridge putting the juice away and smiled to herself. She had texted Celeste earlier asking if they could go over. She and Celeste had become close and the girls adored Samson, begging her for a dog daily, to which she changed the subject. For now, she had her hands full figuring out how to do this parenting thing. Thankfully she had lots of people around her who were happy to help.
It had been two weeks since her conversation with Zin and two more since she had moved into her new home with Natalia and Katarina. Unfortunately, the girl’s maternal relatives had wanted nothing to do with them, admitting they had shunned their daughter for marrying a foreigner and wanted nothing to do with her bastard children.
Roz had been furious and instantly known that she would never allow the girls to be put into care or a foster home. Having spent every day with the girls since her return, she had quickly grown to love them. Their infectious joy and zest for life were contagious and everyone who came into contact with them fell in love. That wasn’t to say there weren’t dark times. The girls had lost their parents and been kidnapped by evil, it was a lot to deal with and they were now seeing a therapist twice a week, as was she. It was hard to admit she needed one but if she expected it of her girls then the least she could do was step up and see one herself.
That didn’t mean that every time the stupid man asked her something she didn’t want to just gut the fucker and leave, but that would get her in the shit with Zin again and she didn’t want that.
It had seemed like the perfect answer for her to foster the girls. An emergency order had been placed with the judge and thanks to her connections and some help from Zack, she had been allowed to foster them with the thought that if no other family came forward and it was what they wanted she would adopt them. She had no doubt in her mind that it was what she wanted.
Katarina still hadn’t spoken to her, but she was now talking to her sister. Roz heard them every night giggling and hoped that eventually she would trust her enough too was exciting.
“All done,” Natalia answered as she got up and showed Roz her empty plate before putting it in the dishwasher beside her sister’s plate.
“Well done. Go get your book and we’ll read.”
The
child ran off to get her book and they sat on the couch in the den, Natalia cuddled up to Roz’s side, while Katarina read quietly to herself in the corner.
Thirty minutes later they were pulling the front door on their new home closed as they all walked to her brother’s place, Natalia’s hand was in hers as Katarina walked beside them. She had rented a home that was only a ten-minute walk from Zin and Celeste’s. It was a new build with three bedrooms, a large open plan kitchen-diner, a small den, and a large living room. The large garden now held a trampoline and swing which the girls loved. She wanted to buy a property but held off in the hope that maybe one day it would be something she could do with Kanan.
Her life was better than she could have ever imagined it to be. It was hard, but every day was a new adventure and she loved it more than she’d thought possible. The only blot on her life was the longing she felt for Kanan. She hadn’t contacted him, wanting to ensure she could do this alone before she promised him something she could possibly fail to deliver. She wanted to make him proud of her and prove to him she was worth a second chance.
It wasn’t easy. Several times she had picked up her phone to call him and put it down before it dialled. Nobody at Fortis would divulge where he was and what he was doing. All she knew was that Drew was with him and that scared her too. Would Drew have his back like she would? Was he okay? Her downtime was spent torturing herself with thoughts of him. At night was the worst. Her body craved his touch like a drug, images of him as he’d pinned her beneath his body, setting her on fire with need played out in her dreams, leaving her aching for him when she woke up.
It was as if now she had allowed herself to hope they had a future, memories of their time together in St Kitts bombarded her. A kaleidoscope of images that made her miss him like a physical pain. Soon, she promised herself. Soon she would go to him. She just had to find him first…