by K. M. Ellis
“I need to go to the hospital, don’t tell Shane yet… let him finish please…”
He said that he would come with me. He would bring me himself. I tried to thank him for it as we left, telling the stage crew to not tell anyone where we had gone till after the show. I knew it was wrong to not tell my husband that I was in danger, but I couldn’t spoil his glorious moment. I was in and out of consciousness most of the ride to the hospital. Once we arrived I was thrown into the emergency room. I could hear Roy yelling at the members of the hospital and he was being shoved out the door. I would endure this alone. I could feel myself losing blood as the doctors poked me with needles, injecting me with substances to make me feel less pain. Although the pain in my body was numbing, the pain in my heart was getting stronger. I heard someone shout, “were going to lose her!’ my world became black as I drifted off into the blackest waters I had ever known.
Shane
September 1988
Kat was nowhere to be seen after the show. I looked all over for her and Roy. Finally I saw him, he ran up to me, blood on his jacket.
“You need to come with me,” he panted
“Kat? Is it Kat?” I asked frantically
He nodded.
I got into the taxi with him and we arrived at the hospital.
“She’s still in surgery,” the nurse at the desk said calmly.
I spun on Roy.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“She asked me not to and I respected it.”
“I gotta call Thomas.”
Running to the payphone I dialed him.
“Hello?” said the groggy voice on the other end of the line.
“Kats in surgery,” I blurted out.
“Wait… what… why?” he said suddenly clear.
“Something with the baby…”
“I’m coming down there, like a couple hours I’ll be there,” he said.
“I’d hurry, Tom,” I said certain of the seriousness of the situation.
Guilt overwhelmed me, had I done this to her?
Drew
September 1988
Shane burst through my hotel room door, “Kat’s in the fucking hospital,” he yelled
“Is she okay?” I asked
“No she’s not.”
I felt my heart sink, “what happened?’ I asked
“She lost the baby.” He stated firmly
“Oh fuck,” I said clutching the sides of my head.
“Do you want to come to the hospital? I’m going back now, I just came to get a few things and thought I would let you know,” he said quickly
“I can’t, Shane, I can’t, I just… I can’.”
He snorted, “You’re serious?”
“Tell her I’m sorry,” I managed
“Fuck you, Drew, really fuck you!” he screamed as he went past me, slamming the door behind him.
I shut my eyes tight and grabbed the bottle of gin and downed it.
Kat
September 1988
I opened my eyes what seemed only a few seconds later. I jerked up surveying my surroundings before one of the sharpest pains I had ever felt brought me back down. I saw Shane run over to the bed from where he had been sitting. I could tell he had not gotten much sleep because of his puffy eyes “Hey,” I managed.
His serious face broke into a smile then as he bent his head, and then looked back to me, fresh tears in his eyes.
“Hey,” he responded.
I could then see the nurse coming in the room along with Thomas who looked more than overjoyed to see me, his bright blue eyes shining. I wondered to myself where Drew was, but the question couldn’t linger for long as the nurse came to take my vitals and the doctor came to explain all which had happened. Turns out I had out for a couple of days. I had lost so much blood that my body had given out on me. I had been very close to dying when, by some miracle, the doctors were able to finally get the bleeding under control and do what they needed to do to save me. That involved cutting out my unborn child from the grips of my body. I shuttered at the thought of it. Then I remembered the pain. The doctor told me that I would have a scar on my abdomen and it would take a long time to heal so I would have to take it easy. The doctor explained that because of my unique situation, it would take quite a bit of time to recover. I pondered all this to myself as I let it sink in. They had indeed tried their best, but their efforts were not enough. The child was just too small and too under developed to live in our world. Although I understood this, I felt the loss of life as a loss of myself.
I softly asked if it was a boy or girl. The doctor told me that I had miscarried a son, Drew’s son? I asked the doctor if there was a chance that I would conceive again. He explained that it was rare that I had even conceived again in the first place. He explained that this time, my chances were slim to none and that I probably shouldn’t even try because it could be a great danger and risk to me. I was devastated. I started to cry when the doctor left the room... Shane and Thomas both came and sat on the bed with me, Shane putting his arms around me, holding me in his powerful embrace.
Thomas and Shane had been with me the whole time. Shane told me how once Roy had been shoved from the room, he came back to the stadium. The guys were finishing up the encore. When Shane had come off stage, Roy had pulled him aside and told him what had happened. Shane was furious with Roy for keeping this from him. He rushed to the hospital, called Thomas and went to see me. Thomas had flown down within hours of the phone call. He had been there ever since.
Shane paused. He explained to me then that he had told Drew what was going on but Drew refused to come. I felt my heart drop at his words. Shane saw the tears begin to form in my eyes. He was all too well aware that I harbored feelings for Drew, but by that comment he had just made, giving me the harsh reality of it all, my feelings had been shot forever. Now that I was awake and recovering, Shane decided to go back to the hotel for a bit to take a shower and nap. He was exhausted. I told him I would be fine. He kissed me goodbye and promised to return as soon as he was done.
Thomas didn’t leave. He came and lay down next to me. I was happy for his company. He leaned over me, his face close to mine. He told me that I couldn’t die on him yet. I chuckled at that as I reached my hand up, rubbing the back of his neck beneath his long mane of black hair. He smiled at me, but then looked a little shocked as I pulled him down to me, letting his lips brush mine. He felt tense, but then as I opened my mouth to kiss him deeper, I could feel him responding. He kissed me harder then, fully embracing my welcoming. He held me close to him, careful not to hurt my injured, weak body.
The next few days I spent recovering and recuperating. I was finally able to sit up again and was beginning to walk around. Drew came to visit me two days after I had woken up. He was most unwelcome by me. He had left me when I needed him the most. He came over to me, storming past Shane and Thomas to kneel by me. I was sitting on the chair next to the window when he threw himself at my feet.
“Kat, I’m so sorry, I’m so fucking sorry. I don’t know what I was doing, I should have been here, fuck, I’m sorry,” he sobbed.
I continued to look out the window ignoring him. I wanted to cry, wanted to tell him that everything was going to be alright and that I forgave him. In truth I did not believe that I could ever forgive him.
He took my hand; I looked sharply at him then. His whole body shaking with sobs.
“Kat, I’m sorry” he begged.
“Are you?” I said flatly.
He broke down, his head in his hand, his shoulders heaving harshly.
I took pity on him then. I put my hand on his head, when he looked up at me, my hand travelled to his cheek. His big blue eyes were shiny. He looked afraid, afraid that he would lose me. I told him that I was okay. He told me that it was not just okay; in fact it wasn’t okay at all. It was wrong. I smiled at his realization of this. Yes, it was wrong, he should have been there. He told me of the shame he felt, and how he forced himself not to
run out the door to see me. He told me of his inner feelings how he loved me still. He then said something I will never forget and I still wish now that Shane had never been in ear shot of it. Drew told me that he never wanted to marry Tammy, he wanted to marry me. He had been in love with me since the first day we met and it had never waned.
I started to cry, and then I heard the door slam. I looked over where Shane had left the room.
I told Drew it was better off if he left, and so he did with a kiss on the cheek.
Thomas caught my eye, “you’re going to lose Shane, that little act that you just put on there with Drew, because that’s what it is, a fucking act Kat, it’s going to break him. You need to start acting like an adult for everyone, grow up and fucking respect Shane,” he paused, taking in a sharp breath, “forget Drew he wasn’t even here, Shane was!”
He was right of course.
Shane came back later that night and explained to me that Arctic Circle had cancelled the rest of the tour and he would see me back home in New York. Without even a kiss goodbye, he left me sitting alone.
Shane
October 1988
I wanted nothing to do with her. She had actually forgiven him! My head was spinning, I couldn’t think. I loved her, but was I prepared to spend the rest of my life with her? She had almost died giving birth to someone else’s child. I had forgiven her once before when she had slept with Thomas, but this was too much. The way she had forgiven him, it must have been his child. It had to be.
When she came home, I couldn’t see her or speak to her. I slept in the guest bedroom, keeping my distance. She didn’t seem to mind, she was recovering anyways. She spent most of her time with Thomas and Darla while I threw myself into work.
It was the only thing I could do to try to put it in the back of my mind.
Thomas
November 1988
Kat turned twenty two that month and was still recovering from the incident. I had tried everything to make her feel better but she was uninterested in making music to the anger of our band mates.
She sat with me at a tiny restaurant in the city.
I took her hand, “It’s gonna be okay, I promise.”
She smiled slightly, the first in months.
“Shane didn’t even tell me ‘Happy Birthday’. It’s like I’m nonexistent.”
“You’re not ‘nonexistent’” I protested.
She stared hard at me, “Sure, that’s why he hasn’t spoken more than two words to me in months. He’s probably fucking someone else.”
“Well, you have, so why shouldn’t he? I mean,” she glared at me, “I mean he could just honestly be waiting?” I suggested.
“I don’t even care anymore,” she stated, her eyes boring into me, her cheeks sinking in where her lips were frowning.
I knew she cared, and nothing I could do would make it better.
“I’ll probably never even sleep with him again. I should just leave him and divorce him”
“Whatever you want, Kat.” I said.
She closed her eyes for a moment, and then looked back at me. ‘I never wanted any of this.”
I believed her.
1989
Kat
January 1989
Shane was colder than ever. He wasn’t happy with me yet again and although he did try not to show it, it leaked through in his gestures and voice when he spoke to me. I felt his hatred, or what seemed like hatred burn right into me whenever we interacted.
Darla, however, wanted to be played with and I could not because of my injury. The cesarean had proved to be the right choice for delivery, but it had its effects in the long run which I had begun to feel. I felt depressed because the weight which I had gained during pregnancy was mostly gone, but my hips had widened out and inch or so. I had become a bit curvier to my horror when I found that my regular jeans were a bit tight. When I called and told Thomas of my concerns, he thought me silly, telling me I was beautiful and assuring me that no one would probably even notice. He was right in the long run leaving me to feel that I never had anything to fear in the first place. I wanted to sleep with Shane, wanted to be close to him, but the doctor told me to refrain from sexual activity for at least eight to ten weeks. It had been longer than that but still, nothing from him. It was the longest I had ever gone without sexual contact. Another week of coldness went by, then another, it didn’t even feel as if we were married anymore.
Gary
February 1989
“What’s wrong?” I asked her as she strolled in
She had come over to see me and after not seeing her in quite a while, it was a nice surprise.
“Everyone hates me,” she said turning to me.
“Everyone doesn’t hate you.”
“Shane does.”
“I don’t think he hates you either,” I said softly.
She plopped herself down on my couch, as I went to sit beside her and put my arm around her shoulder.
“He wants nothing to do with me; it’s been almost seven months. He won’t talk to me, he won’t sleep with me, he won’t…” she put her head in her hands as her shoulder blades moved steadily.
I brought her close to me, “I wish I could help you.”
“You could,” she murmured
“How? Just say the word and I’ll do it.”
“Will you do it with me? I mean… you know what I mean…” she asked, while looking at the ground.
“If you really want to, Kathryn, but I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Why isn’t it?” she said, facing me again
“I think you need Shane, try to work it out together, you never know. This will only harm it.”
“I’m not gonna beg you, Gare, so whatever.” She replied
“You know I want to,” I whispered, my lips coming down on her neck.
She took a sharp breath in. I stopped, looking up at her, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that,” I said
She kissed my lips, I wrenched myself away. “God, Kat, you need to stop or else I won’t be able to control myself…”
“I never asked you to control yourself,” she said softly
“Don’t make me do this… I don’t want to be the one responsible for your marriage falling apart.”
“It’s already over,” she said frustrated.
“Go to Shane, corner him, anything. Believe me, if he’s a man, then he wants you as badly as you want him, I promise.”
She made a little noise and threw her head back, “I feel like an idiot.”
“You’re not, and like I said, it’s not that I don’t want you, God, maybe some other place and time, Kat, but it doesn’t feel right now…”
“Should I go?” she asked
I nodded unwillingly.
She smiled and got up; I followed her, opening the door for her.
“Wait,” she said turning back to me, “Can we just… hang out?”
I laughed
“What’s so funny?” she asked
“Jesus, Kat,” I said grabbing her hand and dragging her back in the house, my hand went around her neck as I bent down and kissed her again. She was warm with wanting and I could feel myself losing control.
I grabbed her legs and threw them around me as I picked her up and brought her back to the couch.
She giggled, “Remember the first time, we did it here?” she asked.
“How could I forget?”
She lay under me, breathing heavy; we both froze, just staring at each other. “It still doesn’t feel right, does it?” she asked
“No,” I whispered
I moved away from her as she sat up.
“I should probably…” she said motioning to the door.
“Yeah,” I said flatly.
I watched her walk away and leave; now I felt like the idiot.
Shane
February 1989
I watched Kat slip in and out of the house as we silently made our way around each other. She made no notion she was unh
appy with the present situation, and so I let it be.
Kat
March 1989
I contacted Drew after shortly after that as much as I had told myself I would not. I had enough. I could feel my skin rushing with heat as soon as he came into the room. I knew that he would be inside of me at least once before the end of the night. We ended up getting a hotel room, a quiet discreet place on the outskirts of the city. There he stripped me of my clothes and traced my scar with his lips. He told me that he felt that it was his fault, that the pain that I had endured had been his fault. I assured him that it was not. When he touched me for the first time, my whole body shook. I could feel the shivers of pleasure creeping up my spine and into my most private areas. I put a hand to his chest one he was on top of me, feeling his heart beating, threatening to fly out of its cage like a bird. He told me that he did not want to hurt me. I responded yet again with a kiss. He rubbed my womanly parts, lubricating me before he threatened to enter. While deeply kissing me, he pushed the front part of his cock inside of me. I didn’t feel pain, just a bit uncomfortable. He pushed all the way inside of me, where I felt the whole of him finally, completing me. The only pain I felt was the weight of his body on top of me. He found me willing and ready; he satisfied my need completely within those hours of the night.
He spoke pretty words to me about how he truly did want to marry me and he would divorce Tammy because it was “unfair” to keep her in a marriage which is unloving. I told him that I was pretty sure Shane did not love me anymore. He assured me that Shane did love me; he just had a strange way of showing it. It didn’t make me feel any better.
“Would you ever divorce Shane?” he asked casually
I responded without thinking, saying, “I’ve thought about it.”
He then laughed and asked me if I would actually do it. Pondering for a couple minutes, I then decided that if Shane was going to be like this the rest of our lives… why not?
When I left the hotel room in the morning, I had a smile on my facing knowing Drew loved me and wanted me.
I got home a little after one and checked the mail.
“Hmm,” I said to myself, opening a letter from the hospital.
My mouth opened slightly in shock as I crumpled the paper and shoved it in my purse.